Sunday, February 28, 2010

Mom is dozing in her chair and mumbling.  It is too funny.  I probably do the exact same thing, but this is funny.  She randomly goes from one subject to the next.  It is just hilarious.  I probably shouldn't laugh, but I can't help it when she does this.  Usually she just sits and it quiet while dozing.  Not today!

It is a rather dull day here.  I have laundry to do, yeah! fun! Yup, just love doing laundry.  Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?  I am also cooking stew in the crock pot!  I saw this package of stew meat and veggies so I bought it and thought we would try it.  I have snitched a taste or two and boy is it good!  When we go shopping later this week I will get more and freeze them.  I hope to also find corned beef and get some of that and freeze it too.  Love my corned beef.  Now that I have a crock pot I can make a few things that we didn't have a choice on.

The hockey game between USA and Canada is on this afternoon.  I don't like hockey so I won't be watching it.  I am gonna flip channels and see what other Olympic sports are being shown.  It is also the closing ceremonies tonight.  :( :( :( :( :( :(  I love the Olympics.

I have to figure out my teaching money for last year today too so my taxes can get done.  I don't have much because most of my students are on scholarship and don't pay but I do have a bit.  I don't have much to claim as far as deductions either because most of them come here and I didn't buy any music last year.  I will keep better track this year.  Last year was just bad.

Pain is medium as usual today.  I am swimming in the fog as far as thinking goes today, but at least I don't need to think to much for what we are doing this afternoon.  Laundry is boring and requires a small amount of thinking so that is good.  Watching Olympics requires no amount of thinking on my part so that is even better.  I could use a nap though.  Maybe I will take one before I do laundry.  Mom could use it too as she is dozing like I said in her chair.  I think we will go up now and nap.  

Have a good afternoon.  It is sunny and a bit warmer than it has been here!!!!!  Yeah!  Spring is on her way (I hope!)

Saturday, February 27, 2010

It was book club today!!!!!!!!!  I looooooove book club a lot!  Debbie and Maggie were here.  Next time we will have a few new members, I hope.  Debbie is going to bring her roommate/best friend, Justine.  She is really nice too.  I met her at the benefit concert.  Aggie couldn't come because the weather didn't cooperate with us.  It was pretty bad last night when she would have driven home to her parents house from college.  I was disappointed but totally understand.  Disappointed because it also means she missed her lesson and I have new music for her!  I will see her next week though so I shall give it to her.  It will probably work out better because the CD to the new book isn't here yet so, I guess it will work out for the best.  My friend, Stacey is planning to join book club too.  I am putting a story in the sub newsletter inviting any neighbors to join too.

Mom didn't eat much at dinner tonight and we went to Olive Garden.  She loves that place but even Olive Garden now is on her paranoid list of foods that could give a problem.  She just refuses to eat much.  I think she ate maybe, and I am stretching this, maybe 1/4 of her soup and about 1/4 of her noodles.  It is really bothering me because she is going down so fast and she is helping it!  I hope she is hungry later tonight and I will heat up her noodles.  I don't think we will go out to eat much because I end up throwing so much of it away and that is wasting money we need.  It will also save us money by eating at home.  We don't go out much, about 1 every other week, but the last couple of times I have thrown away more than she ate.  I think ensure is about to become most of her meals now, she will at least drink a full one when I ask her too.  I wonder if food is just hard to go down.  I don't know.  This problem keeps me up at night more than the pain is right now.

Other than the food issue, she has done pretty well this week with sleeping so I am happy about that.  Thursday is her assessment with the CCAC people.  I don't know what that means.  I just know they are the ones in charge of the waiting list for homes.  Tillie will be at the meeting too, so that reassures me.  I just don't want to cry at this one like I did with the social worker at the Alzheimer's Society.  I will bring kleenex in case.

Pain hasn't been too bad for a change.  I did wake up with a bad headache a couple of days but they went back to their normal headache.  I slept a bit better since Mom was better with sleeping, so I am hopeful that this shall last a few weeks.  

I am planning a birthday party for Mom on her birthday in March.  It will be at Tillie's house as she lives in Windsor where most of our relatives live.  Several of our friends here won't be able to attend as you need a passport to cross the border so we may have a cake and ice cream the day before here at our house.  At the party we will have snacks and cake, and that's about all.  It is an open house type of party as Tillie's house is little.  When she finishes the updates it will look really cute.  It is a 2 bedroom cottage.  She is adding a porch (in the back) and new siding and windows and roof.  She wants the roof to extend over the front door.  Right now it ends at the edge of the house and she wants it to cover her front porch she has.

Today has been a good day and I have enjoyed it all.  I hope your day has been good too!!!!

Friday, February 26, 2010

I didn't bring my machine on purpose to sewing today.  It is snowing out and I can't carry it out to the car so I didn't bring it.  Mistake!!!!  The girls sewing machine's foot is missing and we can't sew without it.  Poor little machine!  I hope they find it otherwise they may have to order or buy a new one.  Laura thinks it has to be in the van, I would concur with this conclusion.  Mom slept as usual during sewing.  The girls got a lot of basting done but we still had to end early from lack of activity to do.  It was sad, but what can you do?

Not much planned for the rest of the day, but tomorrow is book club!!!!!!!!!  I can't wait!  I love book club and we have a couple of new members so I am excited.  I bought a big cookie (8 by 10 sheet) for the occasion, I may have looked for something cheaper had I realized before I bought it it was $8.  Oh well, little too late now.  I know it will taste good because we have had them before.  Mom enjoys book club too.  She usually sits in during it and listens because she doesn't read the books, not that it would matter if she did, because she wouldn't be able to remember them.  I have some thoughts for next book.  Aggie won't be here because of the weather.  Mean weather.  I need my Aggie.  She is coming home next weekend instead.  I asked her for suggestions for the next book.  She picked this months book, Howl's Moving Castle.  It was pretty good.  I finished it yesterday afternoon during the snow fall.  It is snowing again like crazy today.  Not a happy camper about this.  Not liking this snow at all.  Mom is doing alright with it, but she can get nervous while I drive (okay - even more than usual).

Mom has been alright today.  She got up for the bathroom this morning and then went right back to bed (with help from me).  I think she thinks she has too now.  I am not sure.  She has done this every day since Sunday, but I am not complaining, I get to sleep in and not be woken up early!  I like this new development, hope it lasts a while.

She is still not eating terribly good, but I try to get her to drink some ensure a couple of times a day.  I forgot to bring it with me this morning.  Oops.

Speaking of this morning, I forgot my wallet on the table when we left so I owe Tim Horton's for today's meal.  Thank goodness we are frequent guests because she is letting me pay tomorrow when we come in.  Nice people there.  Reminds me of when I worked at Arbys in college, the first couple of years anyways before the managers changed.  We had a good time and then the managers changed and it wasn't so fun anymore.  I was also teaching at the time and just getting started with that, so when I got more students, I quit Arbys.  Definitely better with teaching!  Teaching is a lot of fun and rarely boring and dull (like the rest of my time on some days.)

I have no lessons until Monday now because both Aggie and Lily will be absent.  :( :( :( :(  I will see them both next week though, so :) :) :) :) :)
I love making happy faces!!!!!!

I hope your day is good and hopefully not snowing like crazy like it is here!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I bought Mom the cutest Donald Duck ever.  He is dressed up like a bunny and he dances and sings.  When you pull the ears he throws a fit.  It is so funny!  It is on her piano now.  She and I both really like it.  So that is part of her Easter present.  She will get more, but not until Easter.  Can you believe Easter is soon?  I can't.  Already, it is lent season.  That just snuck up on me.  I also bought Mom's birthday invitations for her open house party.  I hope lots of relatives and friends come.  She will enjoy it.  She probably won't remember too much of it, but she will have fun.  She is, as usual, dozing in her chair.  Wish I could, I am a bit tired today.  I slept in too.  We are at a decent stage right now.  I don't know how long it will last, but I am hopeful.  She goes right into bed without any problems and stays there until morning without calling my name or waking me up.  She just stays in her bed.  How cool is that?  Pretty cool if you ask me.  She has done this for the last 4 days, whoohoo!!!!!  Very exciting news in the Paxton house!  She also hasn't asked when we are going home this week either.  She also rarely asks if I am Heather, so all in all, a decent week for a change.

Because it has been a good week, the pain level is also down!  Yeah!  So, basically, good news all around.  I am not sure if we are going to knitting today or not, haven't heard from my friend, so it looks good, but she isn't feeling so well, so I don't know.  We will miss next week as we have an appointment in Windsor.  We have 2 appointments for Mom coming up, so the show is on the road.  We are getting somewhere for Mom.  The new med seems to work good for her.  I gave her the full dose, I didn't want to fool around with half a dose when she was so upset.  Right now, it is working well and helping her sleep and have a decent sleep at that.

My scarf that I am knitting is barely there, I haven't really worked on it in the last two weeks.  I mean too, but then, I either forget, or get busy with something else, I don't really know why.  I have the time to do it most days.

Tomorrow is sewing day for the first time in 3 weeks!  I am excited!  Can't wait.  I am bringing my knitting with me so I can work on it while the girls are sewing.  I also have to remember my machine.  It is a lot easier for us if we have 2 machines.

I hope your day will be good and sunny!  We have sunshine for a change!!!!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I have 2 students today.  1 is a makeup from Monday because of the beautiful, horrible snow we got, the other is a regularly scheduled appointment.  I got her books today.  I can't wait to start.  Should be rather fun.  I also got 2 new vocal books when I was at the store.  1 is for Lily and the other for Katie and Rachel.  I had to order the CDs to the one book for the older girls because it wasn't in.  The other book for Lily had the CD inside the book.  I like it when they do that, but I also like when you don't have to buy the entire book again just for the CD.  That has happened a lot.  I am hoping the girls will be coming over soon to help me put away all the music that is all over the office and living room.  I need to see what I am missing.  I can repurchase them one at a time.  I am hoping to have more students soon.  My friend is all full and she is going to give my name to those who ask her about lessons!  Isn't that cool??  I think so!  More students.  I hope to eventually have 50 again, that is a good number and a manageable number to have.  Any more and you start to lose something, but 50 is good.  I have the room in my schedule.  We shall see.  Also, I would be able to stay in the house if I have that many students because I would be able to afford it.  That is another goal!  I don't want to move!  I love my house.  I have lived her all my life.

During Tillie's march break (the Canadian equivalent to the USA spring break) she is going to come and help with Mom room.  Then I will be able to gate her inside her room and she can wander all she wants.  She has a bathroom in her room too, so that is covered.

We have had a couple of good days.  She went straight to bed again last night!!!!  And woke up about 7:30 this morning for the bathroom, she was cold so I put her back into bed and both of us slept for a couple more hours!  Isn't that awesome?  I think so.  

She also drank an ensure with her donut this morning so she had a good breakfast for a change.  I hope this is a sign of easier times ahead for us, I am not up for hard times.  I hate yelling and getting angry when I know it isn't her fault it is the disease's fault.  She wouldn't normally do the things she does if she didn't have the disease.

I am going to look at my new books now.  I am excited.  I also need to read my book club book as book club is Saturday and I haven't started yet!  Oh my!!!!  I will get going today on it.  I have something to do while the TV is on.  We are very into Olympics in this house.

Try to have a good day!!!  I know this will be a pretty good day!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I have 3 students today.  1 was a makeup from yesterday and then the regular 2 for today.  I finished the 1 homeschooler already.  Just waiting for my 2 boys.  We started the morning off a bit rough today, I woke up with a splitting headache.  I came down for some meds and then went back to bed.  It is finally back to it's dull roar of a headache that I normally have.  Mom slept through the whole thing.  She didn't get up until after 10 am so yeah for Mom.  Alright, she was up at 6 am and I put her right back to bed.  She was standing in the bathroom, I could tell she used it but she didn't know what to do next.  I have no idea how long she stood for before I came into the bathroom.  After I went, I put her back into bed and she stayed there until, as I said earlier, after 10 am.  She didn't get up any other time during the night that I know of and she pretty much went right to sleep.  We did go to bed quite early as I was exhausted from the weekend and I had another doozy of a headache.

I did learn a few things on the weekend.  Mom can survive without me nicely.  She was with Tillie and didn't ask for me at all, even at one point asked who Heather was.  A few minutes later she said she knew I was her daughter.  I know that I can put her in day care and she will be fine.  Also, her eating hasn't improved since we came home.  She ate 1/2 of the dinner I gave her last night and she didn't finish the muffin from this morning.  I now order off the kids menu for her or a seniors menu.  No more from the regular menu.

We got about 7 inches of snow.  Ugh, not happy about digging my car out that is for sure.  I miss being in the garage.  This spring I am going to order a dumpster and get rid of most of the stuff in the garage (a lot of it is garbage, like empty boxes, old wood, old cardboard, useless tools)  I am going to ask Hayley if she wants any of the power tools we have because I won't be needing them.  I would like to do a garage sale, but I will have to see.  I think I would get more from eBay.  (Once I learn how to use it.)

I have a new cholesterol medicine.  it is very expensive so I got a month's worth of samples.  I simply don't have the money for any more medicines that don't have generics for them.  I hear it is a very expensive medicine too so I will be getting samples and that's about all I can get for them.

I made Mom an appointment with a new doctor in Windsor for the assessment she needs.  It is in March, which at first kinda made me mad until I realized it is only 2 weeks away.  March just sounds like so far away right now.  

I have to get the invitations for her birthday party out.  I plan to do that this week.  We are having an open house at Tillie's for it.  She will be 76.  Before her birthday, I plan to get her hair all set and nice and have her picture taken.  I want to have an updated picture of her and they are $5 to get about 30 portraits at Walmart so that's where we will be going.  I will send one to Richard and Jennifer, one to Andrew, one for Tillie, and then one for me!  Any extras I will bring to the party.  I also am going to do a save the date on facebook for my family before I send the invitations.  I hope Mom has fun.  It kinda is a say goodbye to the Aunt you know now because she is going down hill fast and soon won't know anyone.  So now is a good time to see her, while she recognizes people!  I hope she has fun at it.  We shall see.

Pain isn't so bad today now that the head is back to normal.  Mom is sleeping in her chair as usual, and I am waiting for students to arrive.  I hope your day is good, too!

Monday, February 22, 2010

We were snowed in this morning so no Tim Horton's for the Paxton's residence.  I miss my Tim Horton's.  I think I am going through withdrawal as my head is seriously sore today.  Mom is doing okay today except she doesn't like stairs now.  Please God, nothing more right now!  i can't handle it.  

The young man in our sub came to dig us out.  It was worth the $15 to pay him and his pals.  Three of them do our sidewalks and driveway.  I tried the front walk but that didn't work real well as the snow was very heavy.  I am very exhausted today.  I think we are heading to bed early, I hope Mom stays in all night without any wake ups.  She woke up 2 times last night.

I think I will end this now as I don't really have anything to say today, except I am heading for a nap.  I live to sleep, sleep to live!  That's my motto!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

We are back from competition.  Students did alright.  Katie won her first trophy for a solo ever!  It was exciting for me to see her win something.  Rachel won 3 solos out of 4 and she and Katie got a 2nd for their duet.  Frank won 2nd for one of his piano pieces, we were both excited about that.  It was great because it was his first time competing piano ever.

Mom did alright with Tillie, apparently didn't get upset when she couldn't see me so I am glad about that.  She isn't eating very well right now.  Or drinking much water or any other liquid either.  It makes me mad because I put the food in front of her and she flips out on me.  It is so frustrating to me.  She is so paranoid about messing up her pants that she won't eat a decent meal or finish a glass of water.  I try to shove an ensure down her but I am sure she has lost even more weight.  At this rate, she will die of starvation and dehydration long before Alzheimer's gets her.  It better change soon or she will end up in a hospital for dehydration.  I try to make her drink, but how do you get someone to drink something that they won't drink?  I don't think you can.

It was nice to be by myself for a bit, although I prefer company to being by myself.  Mom would have liked to have heard a few more students but I don't think she could have handled it.  As it is, she thinks she heard them all (mine anyways)

I am just very angry about the whole situation right now.  I could just scream and cry.  Mom makes it so hard to take care of her.  I have to take her to a doctor in Windsor for an assessment.  What is he/she going to do when they take a look at her?  If they put her in the hospital, I don't think she will be coming home again.  I have to make the appointment Monday I am trying for a Thursday because that is my best day.  I teach M-W and Fri and they of course, are closed on the weekends.  (I don't expect them to be opened on sat or sun)  We have two more assessments before Mom gets added to the Windsor waiting list, although if she goes into a hospital, they may send her directly to a home.

The new medicine works better than the old although she didn't sleep much this weekend and neither did I.  I am planning to sleep in tomorrow until noon because I am so exhausted and so so so so so sore.  My hips and lower back are just killing me with pain.  It has been bad all weekend.  Mom was up and down both nights, I also learned it wouldn't matter if we shared a bed or not, she isn't going to sleep well, she is up and that would just mean even less sleep than I already get now for me so that isn't going to happen.  I also am not moving my bed into her room.  I wouldn't get any sleep at all.  That would just suck for me.  I don't sleep well because of the pain as it is, so even less would be bad.  I hope Tillie gets a good night sleep too because she didn't sleep very much Fri or Sat night either.  She was up every time Mom woke up too, the only one who got sleep, was Mom.

I also saw this weekend how bad Mom really is.  Her downward spiral is moving on a fast track.  I hope it slows down, I am not ready for this fast tracking stuff.  Not ready at all.  I don't think Mom has a clue how little she can do now.  She can't read very much (she was never much of a reader anyways, not like me.) she can't do her puzzles really except for young children ones and even they are hard for her.  Her concentration is pretty bad too, expecting her to follow TV shows and movies are pointless, I just let her wander.  She wanders a lot now, much more than she used to.  Tillie is coming over next month and we are cleaning out her room of all the stuff she no longer needs.  I will be able to gate her in her room then and she can wander in it all night while I sleep, although I prefer her to sleep because otherwise she sleeps all day and that is hard to.

Anyways, overall I am happy how the kids did, Mom did pretty well considering her condition (except the eating and drinking part) but I am exhausted and will take the next week to recover from this weekend.  I am glad competition is only once a year and not more.

I hope your weekend was good.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Wish us luck!  We are heading out to competition and a 2 night stay at a hotel.  Please pray that mom does well with cousin Tillie and the hotel at night!  See you monday!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The new meds worked like a dream.  Mom went right into bed, only woke up once, and then went right back into bed.  Okay, it was weird when she woke up because she, for some odd reason, changed her pants into daytime pants.  I didn't argue with it, I just put her back in bed, no point at 4 am to arguing with her over something like that.  Other than that she went right to sleep BOTH times.  Yeah!!!!!!!!  I can't emphasize it enough!  Yeah!  She also didn't wake me up calling my name in the morning.  She stayed in her room and occasionally popped into mine but didn't wake me up.  Okay, I was sorta awake by 9:30 this morning, but I dozed on and off until 11 am.  I helped her get dressed without any problem from her, she helped me without a problem.  So far, I am liking this new medication.  We shall see how long it lasts.

I am waiting for her case worker to call.  I hope it is soon.  I want all this stuff over and done with.

I can't wait until tomorrow.  It's competition and our vacation.  With the new medication, I am hopeful she will be okay.  I have told her again and again she will be with Tilley most of the weekend, even though I know she will forget, I hope she will be nice to Tilley and not cry for me.  I have to do laundry and pack.  I think I will just put both our stuff in one suitcase, it will be easier that way.  I also will be bringing 2 fleece blankets to help keep us warm at night.  I have a list of what I need to bring.  Tilley left some stuff her a couple of weeks ago, so I told her I would bring it to her this weekend.  You can only bring so much back to Canada based on how long you stay before you have to pay duty.  She bought too much, but since she will be here for the weekend, it will be okay.  I hope my students are practicing and are ready for competition now.  I don't need anymore gray hair from them, as I like to say to them.

It's going to be a boring day, mostly laundry and packing, no visiting with Heather and children today, but I might see them this weekend.  I hope so.  Have a great day and enjoy the sun if you have any.  We do!!!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I found my phone!!!! Yup!  I was very excited last night when I did.  I was walking into my room after putting Mom to bed and under my bed (along with a couple of her puzzle books) was my phone!  I quickly got it out and put it in the drawer.  We went to Verizon today and returned the phone.  I had read most of the receipt, but I missed the part where it said $35 restocking fee.  I was like, oh no, but then the store clerk said he would waive the fee!  How great is that????  Certainly made my day.  So I returned the phone, got my money back and everything.  The downside of the day, Mom keeps crying since we came home.  I'm going to give her her anxiety meds.  Be right back.

Okay, I am back.  Mom now wants to go to bed.  Well, after going to bed early last night, we aren't doing that tonight.  She got up at midnight, managed to take a sock off (only one), spill something in the bathroom, and get her pant leg at the bottom wet with the puddle.  All while I was sleeping.  Fortunately, I woke up and put her back to bed and cleaned up the mess.  It didn't take that long, a bit longer than usual though.  She has new anxiety medicine now that I am going to give her at bed time.  I hope she sleeps through the night.

I am supposed to have Calli for a lesson today, her mom, Heather, wasn't feeling well yesterday so I will have to wait to see how she is doing today.  I hope better.  It's awful when you are the mom and sick.  At least, it seems awful to me, not being a mom or anything.

2 days until competition and our mini vacay!  I can't wait.  I hope Mom does well, she will be with Tilley while I am with my students.  I will definitely be bringing her medicine.  I think I am going to try to have her take a rest in the afternoon for about 1/2 hour every day now.  Maybe she won't be so tired all day that way.  I know I wouldn't mind a 1/2 hour nap every afternoon, some days I sure need it!  Well, gotta get some music for my Calli-girl!  Have a great afternoon!  We will be!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

It was a good night for both of us.  I did call the doctor and got her slightly stronger anxiety meds but the store had to order it so I will pick it up tomorrow.  Mom went pretty much right into bed so I was able to go to sleep right away too, well as right away as I can get.  Pain is regular today, not too high or too much, just the normal.  I am a happy girl for the day.  I have 3 students, the usual Katie, Charlie, and Zack.  Katie is going to competition, she was over last night to rehearse the duet with Rachel, who is not so ready for competition.  It is this weekend.  Yup, that's what I said, this weekend.  I for one, am looking forward to room service!  We usually get room service Saturday night with ice cream for mom and tea for me, sometimes cheesecake.  I don't know what Tilley will want, but she can get something too!  That is the treat of the weekend for us.  I have let me kids know who are going but aren't staying over they can just use my room key for swimming.  I mean, it isn't like I am going to be in the pool.  I don't swim much or well and i don't really like it.  I used to like snorkeling, which, I know doesn't make much sense, but hey, I am a Heather and we don't always make sense.  

I have to call the agency today to make an appointment for mom to be put on the waiting list for Long Term Care in Windsor.  I figure if I make plans for both sides of the border, she will be covered!  Right?  I know I once said I wouldn't but now that it is actually getting closer and not in the abstract, I have to think what is best for Mom.  It is best for me that she stays here, monetarily speaking, but not best for her.  I figure in the next six months I will be placing her in LTC.  It will be so difficult to do, but I will buck up and do it.  She is really declining right now.  I hope she levels off, but with this disease, one never knows, do they.

Not much happening today other than some phone calls and teaching.  I miss working and the busy part it brings.  I talked to my friend's friend, who is a recruiter and asked her to keep me in mind if something comes up.  I hope she does, in about 6 months after mom is placed I will be able to go back to work.  Maybe i will have a studio then, maybe not.  The economy is just not really good right now so who knows.  I plan to continue teaching no matter what.  Even if it is just a few and part time.

I hope your day is good, ours is so far!

Monday, February 15, 2010

This is turning out to be a not so nice day for me.  It started early, at 6:30 am when Mom came in my room with wet pants and undies.  I am not sure what exactly happened, but this is the second time.  I think she forgets to take them down, maybe???  Anyways, I will be buying proper pads for her for this issue.  That would have been okay, I have been expecting an issue with this, but she wouldn't really go back to sleep.  That is a problem.  She went right to sleep last night.  The amount of meds really work well.  So yeah!  for that.  But after she went back into bed about 7ish am, she didn't sleep and got out of bed at 7:30, 8:00 and 8:30.  After that I didn't put her back to bed because I knew by then she wouldn't go to sleep.  I stayed in bed.  She kept calling my name as usual, but after about 8:30, she didn't do it as often as usual so I was able to doze while she was up.  The only problem was she put a pair of my pants on and put both legs in one of my legs and put it around her waist.  Now, yes, I am a big person, but I don't need my pants stretched out.  I hope they will go back into shape.  She also was wearing one of my shirts, the problem is, these are worn clothes that need to be washed.  So now I am going to have to hide my clothes when they are waiting to be washed.  Not happy about this new thing.  Not at all.

So of course, i have a headache and I am achy all over because I was so upset over the possible ruination of my clothes.  At least it was only a pair of sweats and not my good clothes, I would have really freaked over that.  She also keeps asking me if I am heather.  All in all, a crummy day.  

The bright spot of the day is that I have 4 lessons.  I hope everyone knows their music because today would not be the day not too.  Is it Friday yet????

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I guess I am making up for not posting last night. I have to use Mom's computer until mine dies because it is frozen on sleep. Should be dead in a couple of days. Hopefully soon. I don't like to use Mom's computer. Not sure why, probably because it isn't mine.

I think right after competition next week I am going to start going through Mom's room. I'll start with one bag of junk or a box per couple of days so that it is spread out and won't cause extra pain. I hope once that is done, we can rearrange the rooms so that my bed and mom's bed are in the same room. Right now, there is just no room. I refuse to share a bed with her, as they are not big enough and with the amount of pain I am in, sharing is painful. She cries almost every night about being in her room alone. I think her friend, Jose, will help move the furniture, if not maybe some other friends will help. (Ones with the muscles, something I don't have) I am sure it will work out somehow. Tonight I am going to give her the same amount of unisom and the anxiety meds at the same time. We will head for bed around 9 pm, that seems to be a good time.

I am nervous about the weekend with the week we just had, however, I will be in the same room as she will be and so will Tilley so that should help. It will let me know if traveling is out of her range from now on. I kinda think this will be the last as she is declining rapidly. I wanted to visit Karlyn this spring with Mom, but now, I am not sure. We shall see. I hope she levels off again and stays there for a few months like she did at the beginning of the summer, but the last 6 weeks have me doubt that it will happen.

I hope that by the time Mom needs 24 hour care, I will be getting a job. I am anxious to work again. I don't like sitting around all day. I have a new student starting Wednesday, but she is a scholarship student - one - I have never taught a child who is visually impaired and two - I offered her lessons. I look at it as learning something new. She is a delightful child who is very musically talented.

I have four lessons tomorrow, I also must do some laundry for the weekend. Both Mom and I need our dressier clothes freshly washed (if they aren't already) and ready to be packed for competition. I can't wait until Friday when we arrive. I am looking at this as a bit of work among a vacation for Mom and I. I am glad Tilley is coming too because Mom freaks if she doesn't see me and I am afraid of her disrupting the competition, this way Tilley will be with her and she will be comfortable. Mom did pretty well at the concert but when I had to turn pages for Frank she got nervous because she didn't know where I was and I thought she was going to get up and start looking for me. Fortunately the song ended before she did that. At competition, when I am room captaining, she will not be able to sit with me and I will be up and down the whole time. So with Tilley there, that is a worry I don't have. Mom will be fine and not cause any problems and enjoy herself.

It has been an okay Valentine's Day despite the new phone need. I am still unhappy about it. I emailed those I could for their numbers, I heard from 4 of them. I hope to hear from Richard soon with his numbers. I will get my students this week as the week progresses. I hope not to get sick so I have to cancel before I get the numbers! I will write them down in the book as soon as I get it!

Have a great day! (or night, as it is about 8 pm right now here in Michigan!)
The concert went great! They all did really well. We raised about $200 so I was very happy about that. Debbie did a great job MCing the whole thing as well as performing.

I lost my phone last night, well, Mom lost the phone. She must have picked it up this morning and put it somewhere in her room. I looked all over for it, but I couldn't find it. I was really upset over this. A new phone is something we don't have money for but what can we do. I need a phone as that is the only one we have. Of course I didn't get insurance for it, since I have never lost a phone, but I did this time. I also am going to buy an address book so I can put all my phone numbers in it as everything was in my phone. Yup, wasn't that smart of me? Not one of my brightest moments.

Mom was okay last night, I didn't give her her anxiety meds with the unisom but I certainly will tonight. She has it rough when I don't do that. I will from now on as I know she can have a good night with that combination. The rest of what she does (wandering) is manageable if we both have a good night.

Pain isn't so bad despite me being totally ticked off, so I am impressed with the level. I had planned on taking mom to dinner for Valentine's day, but since I had to buy a new phone I won't be able to.

I hope your day is great! Have a good Valentine's Day!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Last night was a dream! Mom had a great night sleep. She stayed in the bed the first time I put her there. I did have to go into her room a couple of times to answer questions, but other than that, she went right to sleep. I am soooooo happy!!! I got some sleep. And, she didn't wake up in the middle of the night either! What an awesome night. Right now, she is a bit restless, but I am printing the concert program for this afternoon. I had it printed last night but somehow, 2 songs got removed from the list, so I have to re print. Just a second, I need to print the other side. Back in a flash!

Boy, I didn't realize I made a mistake on the cover, it accidentally went to two pages, Fixed that one in a jiffy! I can't wait until the concert. It will be small, but nothing I can do about that. 3 dropped out last night because Mom isn't feeling well. It will be fun even though they will be missed. I hope Debbie will have time after to go and get something to eat and maybe with Katie Parak and Kramer too. We shall see.

Hayley stopped by last night, she got here late because she was held up at the border. I know what that is like! It is a pain! Anyways, she arrived safely at my house so I was happy that she and Justice arrived. She showed me the stuff she ordered and boy was the stuff cute. I don't have any need for anything like that right now, but in the future, one never knows. She and Justice are on their way to Mexico! I hope they have a great trip. She needs the vacation and so does her daughter. Both are tired and having a very busy schedule.

Mom is doing well today. pain level isn't that high today and I am ready for the concert! I hope your day is going to be as good as mine!

Friday, February 12, 2010

We had the meeting with the social worker today. It went well, it lasted about 1 1/2 hours. There were so many questions. I cried at one point, didn't mean too, but I couldn't help it. I also found out that Mom's meds are probably off for her. So Monday I will call her doctor and make an appointment now that she has gone down in the last six weeks. Since Christmas there is such a change in her. If we get the meds right, she will be okay. It took 4 1/2 hours to get her to bed last night. It has been a week from hell with going to bed. Every night has taken so long at least 3 hours. I am keeping her up a little bit later tonight to see if that helps and I will change when I give her her meds. I hope for a better week next week, Mom does not see a screaming crazy daughter at night. I hope she doesn't remember me yelling at her. I also got more info on how to help her with her other issues, the usual ones, bathing, dressing, hallucinations, and stuff like that. I don't mind helping her with most of the stuff, I don't even mind that she is with me always, I do however, mind no sleep. That one has me stumped and makes me not happy. Wish me luck for tonight and hope the changes help.

Sunday is valentines day. I really wanted chocolate (trust me - I DON'T need it) so I gave Mom our chocolate heart kisses to open early. I told her she had to wait for the rest. She said "Okay."

Hayley will be stopping by on her way to vacation tonight with her daughter, Justice. She has some packages to pick up. I get excited when her packages are picked up because she always shows me the stuff she orders. She is a very talented crafter.

I hope your day is good and your evening better. Olympics start today! Yeah!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Today was knitting day, yup, and I forgot my knitting at home.  I was having a day, not a great one.  Last night was a starting off to be a bad one but then I went along with her fantasies and boom!  It worked!  She rolled over and went right to sleep.  Tried that this morning and it backfired on me.  She finally calmed down by the time we were finished with our Tim Horton's.  We went to Walmart after that to get our Valentine's Day stuff.  I got Mom a stuff bear that is pink and adorable!  I got her a card and we will share the candy kisses and hugs.  We both love those things.

Mom is not doing well now.  She is crying again and isn't really sure why.  Now she wants to go visiting people, but we did already today.  She finally stopped now.  I will play along with her fantasy of going home later tonight when we get ready for bed.  I hope it is easy!  I don't think I can handle another bad night.  We are getting up early tomorrow so that won't be a problem.  I have to adjust my morning schedule to get up earlier now, I am so not happy about that.

Pain level is high for the last few days because of extra stress.  I had to take an extra pain pill because of it.

We are watching Army Wives disc 3 now.  I love this show.  I hope your day is snow free and sunny because ours is sunny but definitely not snow free!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

We rescheduled today's appointment for Friday.  I expected the roads to be worse than they are.  I should have not rescheduled because I definitely good have drove there.  Oh well, hind sight is 20/20, isn't it?  We are having a lazy day today, watching a marathon of Army Wives season 3, we are on disc 1, it is almost over, then on to disc 2.  There are about 5 or 6 discs.  I love this show.  Oh, and the series I ordered came in today too, Walker Texas Ranger seasons 6 & 7 and murder she wrote season 11.  We now have the entire walker series and all the murder she wrotes that are available.

This morning started off kinda tuff.  Mom was in a cycle starting at about 8:30 am and she got out of it, but these are so hard on me, they make me ache more than usual.  I think her medicine needs to be adjusted.  I am going to call her doctor tomorrow and see if she can up the amount Mom takes.  Maybe that will help.

I am planning Mom a birthday party.  I am sending an invitation to Richard, I hope he comes.  It would make Mom happy.  We haven't seen him in a year and a half.  I have the feeling he probably won't come, maybe at Easter.  As long as it is soon because Mom is going downhill and soon she won't remember any of us.  Out of sight, out of mind for her.  

Mom is doing okay right now.  I think I write more about her than I do living with fibromyalgia.  I think because I spend so much of my time taking care of her and doing things for her and with her that most of my life is spent on her.  She is tired today, more than usual, I think the morning cycle tired her out.  I will put her to bed early at about 8:30 pm or so.  I will try to put it off until 10 because there is a show I want to watch, maybe I will get to see it.  I hope so.  She is really tired.  We shall see.

I have to email Richard now, not sure I really expect an answer because he doesn't answer me very much anymore.  He doesn't answer my calls much either.  I just leave messages and he gets them and what he does with them I don't know.  I just know he rarely answers my calls and I want to talk to him.  It is hard knowing he is just too busy for me and Mom now.

Have a great day!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

It's snowing outside right now.  We are supposed to get anywhere from 5 to 15 inches of snow.  We haven't had much this winter.  Not that I mind, it can be difficult with Mom in the snow.  She is kinda afraid of it now.  We do have to go to an appointment tomorrow so I hope the roads will be clear by the time we leave.  It does look really pretty outside with the snow falling down.  Winter wonderland.  I don't mind snow when I am inside!

I can laugh about this now, but last night was not so funny.  Mom took four hours to go to bed.  Yup, 4 hours.  She is sleeping in her chair right now because she is so tired from last night.  It didn't matter what I did, she wanted to go home.  I gave her more medicine and that didn't help.  I think she needs a stronger sedative for nighttime on nights like that.  When we first went into bed she was fine, but after the fourth time getting up she wasn't.  I must admit, I got very angry and upset over this.  I tried to stay calm but she kept wandering and wanting to call me on the phone so we could go home.  When she is like that there isn't anything I can do about it.  I tried.  I even tried to let her wander around on her own while I went into bed.  That didn't work.  I can't sleep while she is up like that.  I did try several times.  I even yelled at her that we were home.  She didn't get it.  I have no idea how other people deal with this, but I don't deal well with this issue at times.  I expect her to get up from bed a few times before she stays for the night, but this was ridicules.  Just ridicules.  I hate this disease who is taking my mom away from me.  This stranger in her place is not her.  During the day, she is mostly fine and knows who I am and who she is, but mornings and nights are not the best.  She is usually confused at both times of the day.  Not a good thing anymore.  I am getting to the end of my ropes with it.

Anyways, we shall see how the meeting tomorrow with the social worker goes, I have to bring a list of her medicines and I don't know what else.  I can't take anymore of this this week so I hope the rest of the week is fine.

I hope your day is going well and your not getting tons of snow like we are.

Monday, February 8, 2010

It has been a decent day so far.  I have had 5 lessons and will have one more tonight.  After that, dinner and then off to bed.  Mom is doing alright so far today.  I gave her her anxiety medicine this morning and it seemed to help this morning.  She only cried a little bit a few minutes ago.  She is tired again, I don't think she slept well.  She did wake up at 5:30 am again, so naturally, I put her right back into bed.  Not getting up then, no way Jose!!!!  She is currently hallucinating about a little boy right now.  Hmm, these are getting more frequent, but it isn't time for her medicine again.  Not until about 7 pm.  I hope she will stop soon.

The students did well at their lessons, all three girls are ready for the concert on Saturday.  This is the benefit concert for Women for Women International.  It should be fun.  A few of my former students are performing and one of them is the hostess.  Can't wait for that.  No sewing this week.  Laura (the mom) has to have outpatient surgery on Wednesday and probably won't be feeling up to sewing on Friday.  No problem!  We will do it next week!

My arm is slowly getting a bit better.  I can stretch it a bit more before it really begins to hurt.  I am trying to remember to exercise it every day.  I don't understand why it froze on me.  I didn't do anything to it, it just did this on it's own.  Once it is back to normal I will be able to dress myself and I won't need help.

I did think of something else that intrigues me for a second career.  A paralegal.  I had thought of that when I was younger and fresh out of college.  But then I started teaching more and that went out the window.  So now I am looking into it again.  Mom will most likely in the next year be in a home, she is going downhill that fast.  It is so awful to watch.  I want my mommy back the way she was, not this stranger in her place.  I mean, the stranger is nice, but she isn't the same as my mommy.  So anyways, I am looking into how to become a paralegal.  I still am also interested in opening my own music school, so who knows what I will be doing in a year or where I will be living!  Life is an adventure, that is for sure.

I hope your day is pleasant and sunny!  It is so sunny out it is wonderful here!  Of course, snow is on the way for tomorrow and Wednesday.  Wednesday is the day we have to go to Windsor for Mom's appointment.  I hope the roads are fine by then, I don't really want to go if they aren't.  If the roads are bad, we will postpone the appointment for another week.  We shall wait and see!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Today is a much better day!  Mom did well with Tillie here, minimal crying.  She is watching Army Wives disc 5 season 2 right now.  I just did my hair so we are waiting for my hair to dry before going to bed.  Not much happened today, we visited with Tillie and then we went to Boston Market for dinner.  Naturally, I forgot to bring my wallet and it is my treat.  Ugh, how embarrassing.  So, Tillie paid and then I paid her back as soon as we got home.  This is the second time I have done this in three days.  I don't usually not check that I have my wallet, but Friday I did forget to check and we were at Tim Horton's and well, oops, I forgot.  Fortunately, they know me there and let me pay afterward we when went back.  I did, but we were late for sewing class.  

Wednesday, Mom and I are heading to the Alzheimer's society for an appointment.  We are meeting a social worker there.  Don't know why or for what, but I am going anyway.  I guess I am beginning to understand that she is going to need care i can't give her, I mean, look at yesterday.  I was totally out of control with the situation, she was so confused and I couldn't help her.  I am not sure anyone could have.  I really don't think anyone could have.  I don't know what they would have done with her at a home either, I mean, what do you do when a person just doesn't get it?  How do you deal with that?  I am going to give her her anxiety medicine twice a day now though because Tillie said it would help her stay calm through out the day.  So now, twice a day she gets it starting today.  I gave it to her earlier and she stopped crying.  Apparently, this will help her stop crying all day.  I hope so.  I hate seeing her upset.  I also have to throw away any junk mail we get because Mom thinks they are bills that we can't pay and freaks out over money.  She worries about money a lot, she often asks if we have enough to pay to stay the night.  I reassure her a lot, I don't tell her the money worries because I don't think she really understands.  I am not sure I want her to understand.  As long as we don't lose the house while she is in it, that is all that matters to me.  After that, it can be added to her bankruptcy or whatever.

Anyways, all in all, not a bad day.  Hope yours was good too!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Back again.  We have finally done with the cycle.  Frank, Rachel, and Katie were here for practice sessions and she calmed down.  I didn't get a chance to take a nap because she was back in the bad cycle again.  It finally stopped after the kids arrived for practice.  Although I freaked when I couldn't find her and she was in the dining room.  Definitely an over reaction.  I calmed down when she went into the living room where we all were.

Tillie is coming over tomorrow.  I have nothing to serve for dinner so we will need to go to the store.  I couldn't find the chicken that is in the freezer.  Where, I do not know.  But after the day I just had, the chicken can go to you know where.  I can get a new chicken or something for tomorrow's dinner.  I have the veggies and the potatoes.  They are the the boxed type.  It will work somehow.

Mom is very calm right now.  It is refreshing.  We shall see how bed time is.  But I pray it is alright because I don't know if I can handle a night like this day.  I begged God to make her night easier and so far it is.  Let's hope it lasts until tomorrow.  I called her friend to see if he could take her for an hour or two, but he never called me back.  Guess he was busy.  I was at my wits ends but then the change of the lessons helped.  We are heading for bed now, it is 9:00 pm and we are both tired, although she isn't sleeping in her chair, just watching Army Wives with me calmly.  I remembered to give her her anxiety medicine at 7:00 pm.  I did give it to her this morning but man, it didn't help at all.  I hope to not have to deal with that again.  And if I do, I hope to handle it with more than tears and upsets.

I hope you have a good night!!  Talk to you tomorrow!
I am very tired today, not just because Mom woke up at 8:00 am, but from crying on and off for about 4 or so hours.  Mom was in a bad cycle when she woke, so I rushed to give her her anxiety medicine.  She stopped crying.  Then she went into wanting to go home and where I am.  So I tried to get her to lay back down.  It didn't work.  We went to Tim Horton's for breakfast, and when we got back, she was right back into it.  This has never happened before.  She wanted to go to sleep so we went upstairs, then she didn't want to, so we went back downstairs.  No matter what I did, nothing worked.  So hence, the tears.  She was dry eyed the entire time.  I don't think she had a clue it was me at all, she also sometimes hallucinates a little girl in our house that disappears when I come around.  I think she is seeing herself as a little girl, but I am not sure.  She also is very shaky on her legs today, like she has no balance.  This is new and I haven't read anywhere that this is normal.  So I am worried about that.  I have never seen her so off balance and confused in my life.  I almost took her to emergency.  If the shakiness keeps happening, I am going to have to.  She is fine now.  Sitting quietly in her chair.  I wonder if I can sneak in a nap now.  I am so tired.

When Lily came for her lesson, she was the one who broke Mom's bad cycle.  I don't know how, but the change of Lily and Ross being in the house did it.  I am so thankful for that.

I think I am going to try to sneak in a nap in the living room while Mom has her eyes closed in here.  We shall see.

Friday, February 5, 2010

We had sewing class this afternoon!  It was fun, except I forgot my sewing machine so the girls only had one to use.  That was not very well done of me.  Natalie didn't sew today because she had an earache and wasn't feeling very well.  Poor kid!!  Earaches are no fun.  Little Sarah did very well, she basted her first seams.  She did 5 of them.  She pinned 3 seams and then sewed all of the seams.  She  has about 6 seams left to do before I can sew them together.  She is doing so well for 6 years old.  Hannah and Lydia did well as usual.  They are learning to be good little seamstresses.  I can't wait to start them on knitting too!  After tax season I am going to learn how to hand quilt.  Then I can teach the girls that one too.  I have great plans for them and me.  Mom slept through a lot of sewing today.  She is so exhausted and now her tummy is hurting her.  I gave her the tummy medicine, I hope it helps.  I have had heartburn for a couple of days now.  I have a prescription that I am taking in tomorrow that will help.  I haven't really had this problem until now.  Not pleasant.  Not at all.

I have a busy tomorrow that I am excited about.  I have Lily at 1, as usual, and then at 4 I have Frank, Rachel, and Katie to practice for competition.  Frank has solo and ensemble tomorrow morning.  I hope he is ready!  I have done all I can for him, so it is up to him now.  He is going to accompany Rachel on her solo for competition.  Then Rachel and Katie are doing a duet.  Tillie is going to come with us to competition.  It should be a fun time for all of us.

It is getting colder out again here.  Mom is in a blanket as well as a sweatshirt, fleece jacket,and a hoodie.  She is finally sort of warm.  I have the heat up to about 73 degrees.  It does get cold in here though when it gets colder outside.  As long as it doesn't get as cold as it did last weekend.  Hope your day is good!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

It was a very busy day for a change in the Paxton household today.  First thing, blood test for me.  The nurse had 3 tubes to get and she got everything the FIRST time!!!!  Yeah, what a great way to start the day!  Only 1 poke!!!  Then we were off to Tim Horton's for our breakfast/lunch.  Okay, brunch.  After that we had to go to the bank.  I got a certified check for the taxes so we will be register mailing the check tomorrow!  We won't be losing the house!  Then we went to JoAnn's Craft store to return the needles and yarn I bought last week that was wrong and rebuy what I need.  After I had what I needed, off to Heather BT's house.  We had a good visit.  Mom only cried one time because she had bad memories in her head.  She did start the day off crying for the same reason so tomorrow I am going to give her her anxiety medicine to see if that helps her.  Once I was up and getting dressed she was fine.  Every day this week she has started off the morning crying on and off so I think we need to fix this.  If it keeps up, then I will let her doctor now about this.  I think her medicine will help her, it helps her at night so she doesn't cry at night much anymore.  She even goes into her room without getting upset that we sleep in different rooms.  She used to cry every night about that.

Calli will be starting her lessons next week.  That will be fun and a challenge.  I have never taught a visually impaired person before.  I have, of course, taught many 9 year old children though.  Mom and I are going to figure out how we are going to do this this weekend.  Something to look forward too.  On Saturday, I will have to do my sales and use tax returns from 2008 and 2007.  I don't know how to do this, but I have to finish them by the 15th of this month.  This is the last step in closing out the store.  Thank God it is almost over.  I then have to send in my proof of income and the august of 08 return and I will be finished (except for paying, of course) with the paperwork for the state of Michigan!  I can't wait.  No more phone calls!  I dread the phone calls when I get them.  Richard doesn't have anything to do with this, although he was part owner, because he was the silent partner.  I don't expect him to do with this either, it is my responsibility and I am almost done.  It will take years to pay them what we owe though.  Bit by bit it will be paid.

Tomorrow we have sewing!  I can't wait for that either.  All in all, it has been a pretty good week.  The weather has been warmer so Mom hasn't been as frozen as she had been.  I hope your week is going well too!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

We got the money for the taxes.  We went and got it today so now we won't lose the house.  Mom had her CT scan.  She did pretty well, only freaked a bit.  While she was waiting for the next scan she started squirming around looking for me so I quickly ran in and then ran back out.  She had her arms to her side and moved on onto her tummy.  The techs at first were kinda upset about it, but then when I told them about her memory, then they were fine.  One of the techs told the other to write down that she was confused.  I will find out the results in a few days when the doctor calls us for an appointment.  I hope there is nothing there because, quite frankly, she can't handle anything else.  She is depressed enough.  I do need to call her doctor and let her know how much she cries and says she wants to jump into a lake.  She finally said it in front of Tillie, usually it is just me who is honored to hear this.  Tillie told her it was too cold and too icy to jump in.  That is the answer I will give her from now on.  It's too cold and icy to jump in.  Mom was in a good mood after the CT scan which is why I thought it was perfect to go to get the money and visit Tillie, but by the time we got there, she was grumpy again.  I hate that.  I have to learn to let more go because I am getting to stressed and that means she will get grumpier faster.  At least she did well at Tillie's when we got back from dinner.  She did well at dinner too.  She is fine now that we are home and she has had her pre-nighttime medicine.  Sometimes, I have to give it to her during the day.  I don't like it, but I have to because she is too upset.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I did not post yesterday, I don't know why.  It was an alright day.  Nothing to impressive happened except I had 4 lessons.  Becca was still sick.  She has bronchitis and is getting slowly better.  Her sister, Rachel, had her lesson though.  She and Frank practiced together for the first time.  It was interesting.  She has never practiced with a live piano player before so it was new for both of them.  I think they will do well together.  Frank is almost ready for the rest of his music for competition.  Next week is the benefit concert.  I can't believe it is almost here.

Today is a mostly boring day.  I had Katie for her lesson and Charlie later, but that is about it.  Mom is having a CT scan tomorrow and isn't too happy about it.  She was really upset earlier about the whole thing.  Accused me of not telling her and stuff like that.  I did tell her, she just doesn't remember so I wrote it down.  Like that is really going to help.  

She got really upset at Tim Horton's today.  I don't know why, but she freaked.  We were sitting with Rosemary and all of a sudden she was upset, so we had to leave.  I was not happy about that.  I was actually kinda mad.  I am tired of her tears and comments about jumping in the lake.  It gets very weary on a person.  I  gave her an anxiety pill when we got home.  It helped some but not much.  If this keeps up, we are going in to see her doctor.  I am not taking this too well.

I hope you are having a good day.  It is alright here, nothing spectacular.  It is also snowing again, which looks really pretty, but we will see how much we get.