Friday, June 27, 2014

She is getting better

Calli is slowly recovering from her brain hemorrhage and her stroke.  She is a fighter and a very strong young lady.  I have learned much from this, some of the lessons are old lessons that I should have learned long ago.  Time is precious and the people around you are too.

These last two weeks, the Ellers, as we call our friend, Elle's children, have been here pretty much everyday.  I don't mind.  It makes the day better.  Acer is back from camp so we have been doing stuff. He has discovered a new drum online game called virtual drumming.  He really like this game.  This morning when I got up, I fed the dog, got Acer breakfast, let the dog out, and set the game up for Acer, and then went back to sleep.  I slept until 1 pm when Acer came in and said it was time to wake up and he was right.  Thankfully, he woke me or I could have slept all day.  I am that tired right now.

Anxiety is a bit high today for some reason.  Not racing heart or anxiety attack high, just higher than it has been for the last few weeks.  I got a really nice picture of Calli from Heather BT today.  She was giving her mom a smirky look.  I loved it.  Calli has such a beautiful smirky smile that I simply love.  Of course, I love all her smiles.  She has such beautiful ones.

I am not feeling too well today.  It is just the way the day is.  I may need to go and lie back down for a bit until their mom comes to get us.  I think that sounds like a good plan.  I have a lovely bad headache today too so it is definitely nap time.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Heart Aches

The extra stillness and quietness in the house is so hard to get used to.  It makes my heart ache.  I ache for Calli, who is still in PICU at the hospital.  She has been heavily sedated so she won't pull things out that need to stay in.  The Little Man, Acer, comes home from camp tonight.  He has been at music camp this week.  For the past two weeks, since Calli became ill, he has been at camp.  He has seen his sister, the night he came home from one camp and was leaving the next day for another camp.  Otherwise, I have been here mostly with just Peony, the newest addition to the family.  A Yorkie terrier mix dog.  She is about a year old and is quite cute and still learning quite a bit.  We are currently working on sitting, coming when called, and doing doggie business outside.  That is the biggie, doggie business outside. So far today, she has done most of her business outside.  I want her trained by the time Calli comes home although that may not be possible.  I just don't know.  I am new to this and she is stubborn.  She has an area in the front room that she has marked as "hers" and well, she has pooped there a few times already.  At least I know where to look.  She also has been throwing up after eating grass several times.  I think it is also tension as I think she senses something is wrong in the house because Calli is ill.  I think dogs know this.  It is just hard to say.

Calli had to have another angiogram again today.  We weren't expecting this so I was surprised.  She has had one but with her brain bleed, we have to be sure that she will be okay.  They took out her chest tube and took her off the ventilator today.  Her first coherent words were "I have to go to the bathroom".  I can't wait for her to be home.  I know everyone else feels the same.  I know she may have a hard road ahead of her.  We will all be there to help and do what we can.  Tomorrow my part starts by helping with the little man.

I have ached more because of the worry with Calli.  My head hurts so much more than usual because of the worry of Calli.  Thankfully, I have Peony to occupy my mind with because I could be in much wore shape.  Peony has been very helpful.  I miss Maisy a lot but I am thankful for Peony.  I still ache for Maisy.  It doesn't mean I don't love Peony, because how could I not?  She is such a lovable dog, but I so ache for Maisy.  I have finally stopped most of the what ifs and what could I have done differently and maybe Maisy would have lived, but I don't think I will ever stop aching for her.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Shoulder Pain

Oh my, I think Peony (the new little doggie) has pulled my left shoulder too hard.  It really hurts.  When she goes outside to play, I have to put her on a leash because otherwise, she would runaway since we don't have a fenced in yard right now.  Our backyard is weird so we are not sure how to do a fenced in yard.  Well, she is a very strong dog.  Very, very strong dog.  Super duper strong comes to mind.  So for the last few days, we have spent lots of time outside and she has been jumping here, jumping there, on a leash.  She will go as far as she can, then she will go the other way as far as she can.  It has been fun, but tonight, I have noticed my left shoulder is really sore.  I am hoping it is better tomorrow.

I am also so tired.  The week of poor sleep has definitely caught up with me and with her.  She is sleeping next to me.  I think it is time to crate her and for both of us to go to bed.

Please continue to pray for Calli.  She is making slow progress, but she is still a very very very sick girl.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

The Worst Week

This week is close to being the worse week of my life besides the weeks when my Momma died and before and after that.  My housemates', Bill and Heather BT, lovely, beautiful, vibrant daughter, Calli, age 14, suffered an inter cranial hemorrhage on the left side.  This happened on Monday when Bill, Calli, and I were leaving our dear friend, Elle's home from dinner.  Heather BT was taking Acer to camp and we expected her later that evening.  As we were going to leave, Calli said she felt very dizzy and had a bad headache all of a sudden.  Then, she started to cry.  At that point, she started to throw up.  It was awful.  There came a point when it was clear there was something seriously wrong so her parents took her to the ER.  The local hospital immediately helicoptered her to their main hospital for further treatment.  She is now in pediatric ICU.  Calli is heavily sedated as she moves too much when she is not and that is dangerous for her condition.  We expect some physical, mental, and emotional challenges when she recovers.  We are praying for a recovery with minimal damage to the brain.  The place where the bleed is located is right at motor skills.  There are people all over the world praying for Calli.  We need continuous prayers.  So far, she is improving but we still need prayers because she isn't out of the woods yet.  They put in a feeding tube in her today.  I have seen her and oh my, I am glad I did.  I miss her.  I am trying to do whatever her parents need here at home.  I am staying with the new little dog that arrived on Sunday.  It is a challenge but she has kept my anxiety under control so far.  I am very worried about her.  Between the grief of losing Maisy and the worry about Calli, I am surprised that my anxiety is under control as well as it is.  I have been working on breathing and living in the now, instead of the what ifs, because really, there aren't any for this.  Bill and Heather BT acted right away with this as soon as it became apparent that something was seriously wrong.  I mean, there was no hesitation.

My pain levels are higher and I am trying to stay on top of them.  I know it is because of the anxiety and the worry but since I can't stop worrying nor all my anxiety, I just do the best I can to stay on top of it.  It is the best I can do at this point.  My headache is also a bit higher but not as high as it can get so that is good.

Well, going to eat some dinner.  Please, if you can, pray for Calli.  She is an amazing young lady.  She really is.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

The pain of grief - literally

We have a new family member.  Her name is Peony.  She is a mix of something but we don't know what.  We don't know what her parentage is, but that is okay.  I have mixed feelings in a way about this.  I do much better with a dog.  I need to lower my anxiety and petting and hugging her will completely help but I also grieve for Maisy.  This lovely, little, 10 pound dog needed a home and we needed her so basically, we are a good fit that way.  She has explored the house and seems to like us.  She is a furniture jumper so we will work on that.  She seems to like Heather BT and I a lot.  Tomorrow will be my first day with her by myself.  I am looking forward to it.  She is a good girl so far.  Q seems to be getting along well with her too.  Peony is learning to come when called.  She gets a treat when she does.  Eventually, she won't need this but right now she does.  I don't think I will ever get over Maisy, as she was my first love, but I think I have enough room in my aching heart for this lovely, little dog named Peony.

Painwise - grief has taken a toll on my body.  My headaches have been torturous this week.  Simply torturous.  My body aches, my head aches, I don't think there is much on me that doesn't ache.  It is so unfair.  My heart aches for Maisy and my body physically aches for Maisy.  It has been a week since our little furbaby left us and went to Heaven.  I miss her so much.

I hope someday I won't hurt so much, but I never will forget that beautiful, sweet, little Maisy girl, NEVER.  I will love her forever.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Missing Maisy

It has been 4 long days since the little lady died.  My anxiety is through the roof to say the least.  She was so good at keeping my anxiety down and now it is so up.  My mind plays tricks on me with the could of, should of, and would ofs.  What ifs, what if I didn't bring her, would she have thrown up at home?  What if she threw up on the ground and not the car seat?  Things like this.  This is what my anxiety does to me.  It was very very very bad last night but better today.  I am able to think more clearly today than I was last night.  I find the house too quiet without her snorting around even with children in the house.

I was smiling earlier remembering her ninja moves.  We called her a ninja dog because she would "ninja" food from the table so quietly, you wouldn't even know she was there.  One time, she ate my fish sticks and potatoes but left the carrots while I was teaching.  Yeah.  I came to the table to eat my dinner and it was gone.  She was sitting on the floor, wagging her tail, looking super cute and innocent.  Well, that innocent girl wasn't so innocent.  Maisy left a telltale sign, a hair on my plate.  Apparently, Acer had left his chair out and that was how she got on the table.  What a little stinker she was.  I would say though, she gave us much love and so many stories about her, just so many.

We are looking at getting a new pet.  It won't replace Maisy as no one can but we think it will be better for us.  Maisy is my first love of a dog so how could I ever forget my first love?  I think the way to honor her, is to get a new pet, another one who needs love too.  Maisy was so loved and she gave such love.  I uploaded a bunch of photos that I took of her last month on my facebook page.  Last night, when my anxiety was so high, I was looking at the pictures on my phone.  It helped a bit, but oh my, I just ache for her.  I physically ache for her just like I did when I lost Momma.  I never knew it would hurt this much but when you love so much, I guess that is the price you pay when they go to Heaven.  I would not have missed this for the world though.  Maisy taught me so much about love and life that I will never regret loving her as much as I did.  Never.  This pain is worth the price of loving her so much.  I wish everyone could have known Maisy like I did.  She was so wonderful, yes, there were times when she was frustrating, I mean, she was a dog after all, but overall, she filled me with joy and happiness.  She really helped me get out of the depression I was in after Momma died.  Between her and my housemates, that is what brought me back to life.  I so wanted to die.  I wanted to be with Momma.  I didn't want to live.  I just didn't.

I hope my anxiety calms down this evening and lets me sleep.  It hasn't let me sleep too much, add that to the missing of Maisy and you have an overly exhausted Heather.  I did sleep a bit last night after I came back down and was talking to a friend online.  I am seeing my friend, Star tonight so I hope that will help me sleep tonight.  Maisy never really slept in my bed unless the other Heather wasn't home so I don't miss her sleeping next to me, I just miss her all over.  With the new one, we are going to not let him sleep on our beds or climb on the furniture.  Of course, we did say that about Maisy and I must confess that it didn't last very long so yeah, we shall see.  Acer and Heather BT went to see a little guy on Tuesday and we find out tomorrow if we get him.  They were the only ones of the applications that went to physically see him but there are other applications for him.  If we don't, we will find someone.  I am trying not to get my hopes up.  It is hard, but I am trying.  I don't think I can handle a major disappointment on top of my grief for Maisy.

As for the fibro pain?  I totally forgot how grief can make you ache more!  Same with the everyday headache!  I am physically and mentally a mess right now, but I will get through because I know I will. I have to.  I will always love Maisy and she will always be first in my heart.  I told her everyday how much I loved her.  I know I have room in my heart to love another because of her.  It is all because of her.

An Award!!!!

I was listed as one of the top blogs for fibro this year!!!!!  thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!


Monday, June 2, 2014

My Broken Heart

Maisy died yesterday.  The faithful, beautiful, wonderful, goofy, frustrating at times, little dog.  She was such a good companion.  We had driven to visit my brother, Andrew.  I was so excited that he was finally going to meet Maisy face to face.  Little did I know what was to happen.  She started throwing up and throwing up.  She threw up in the driver's seat, the passenger's seat, and the rear driver's seat before she because lifeless.  We cleaned her up and the car and quickly headed home.  I was holding her.  We stopped at a service center on the 401 and laid her on the grass.  A nice couple came around and asked if they could help.  They went into the service center and found a vet.  He came out and tried to save Maisy, but it was too late.  She was gone.  I am trying to hold it together.  I am doing okay most times.  I have a few lessons tonight so that will be good and then I have to clean out my car as it is a mess and we had to sit on garbage bags last night on the way home.  I don't have much else to say except my heart was buried last night with Maisy.  I loved that little dog so much.  I am so thankful to my housemate Heather BT for sharing her with me.  I learned what it was like to love a dog and have a dog love me back.  I am so glad I was the crazy one who took so many pictures of her.  I have so many.  I am going to share some at the end of this post.  I will miss my sweetheart who would ride in the car with me.  Since I now know all about her and her love, I will pass it on.

I miss you Maisy.  I will love you forever and someday we will be together again.