thursday

I am getting discouraged.  I looked at the low income apartments that we have in the area and almost all them have massively long waiting lists.  yeah, that is so encouraging.  The ones that don't, well you have to be a senior for those and I am not.  62 or older you can get into one right away in some places.  The ones near my house are at least a year if not longer wait.  Where do I live in the meantime?  Out of a box somewhere?  I certainly do hope I get a job because that seems to be the only thing I can do to have a place to live.  However, there is the looming question on how well am I to work?  Well, I have major concentrating problems at time due to Fibro fog, plus there is the minor detail that I have a headache everyday not to mention the other problems with Fibromyalgia and Arthritis, etc.  Yeah, today is not my day.  I think I am going to take a nap shortly as I am exhausted from everything that has been going on lately.

We finished organizing Mom's paperwork.  Mine will start next week.  Of course I have paperwork that was due yesterday that I haven't done yet.  See what I mean about the fog?  I know sometimes that it has to be done, and then others I forget it.  I think I just want to hide from the world for the rest of today.  I am just really down this afternoon, didn't seem so this morning, but right now I am.  I don't have any dreams today.  They are all down the tube.  I hope later on is better and tomorrow is better too because this just stinks.

I miss Mom even more today, at least with her I knew where I would live and how we would live.  This limbo business is awful.  How do people do it?  I just don't know.  Today is not my day, maybe tomorrow will be better.

I don't qualify

I don't qualify for the job at oracle.  I do as far as the teaching part is, but the technical stuff, I don't know.  Also, you have to be able to stand for extended periods of time and we all know I can't.  So much for that plan.  On to plan B.  Still revamp resume, but let's see what else is out there.  I hope for 7 more students weekly, that is the goal.  7 more students.  Please pray for 7 more in the next month or two so I can stay in the house and not have to move.

Midweek

I can't believe it is Wednesday, already!  Oh my, this week has flown.  I pulled out my resume and sort of fixed it up.  I think it needs more, but my brain is slightly overloaded at this point, so I will go back to it again later tonight or tomorrow.  One or the other, who knows when.  Sometime before Friday as I want to apply for the job I would like by Friday.  I do hope I get it.  I know it will take time, but I really feel I could do this job and be good at it.  My only concern is my limited mobility but even that isn't a big concern.  I want to get my life going so I feel like I am moving forward instead of treading water.  Maybe I will miss Mom less and it will be less overwhelming if I am moving forward.  Right now, I am not doing a whole lot so it seems like every time I turn around I am bombarded with the realization that she is gone.  I need this to stop and move onward like she would want me too.

I really do think this job would be great for me.  I have years of experience in teaching and that is what the job is for, teaching, only in a corporate setting.  The travel isn't bad because there isn't any reason I can't travel, I mean, no one to come home to at this point.  I will keep the house which is one of my goals.  I don't want to move unless I have no choice, and with a job, I would have a choice because I would make enough money to keep the house!  I may even make enough in 3 years to buy the boys out of the house.  Works for me.  I don't know, that is jumping ahead of myself and I don't want to have unrealistic type goals.  I am feeling better, health wise, so I think getting a job would be good because I don't have the added stress of a family to take care of, I would be able to focus on taking care of me.  So you can see why I think a job at this point would work.  It isn't like it was when I had Mom, I needed to focus all my energies on her because she was so ill.  Now, I only have me.  I wish I had Mom, but I don't anymore.  She told me a long time ago she wanted me to be able to move forward after she had passed away.  I, of course, was horrified at that type of talk and basically changed the subject, but I know she doesn't want me pining away like I am.  It isn't good for pain, and it isn't good for the heart.  Yes, I miss her, and I miss her a lot, but I need to do something to move forward to.  I am sending my resume to Richard so he can look at it and give me some advice.  He would definitely know what the business world wants because he is in the heart of it.  Yes, part of me still wants to live with Richard, mainly out of fear and wanting to be with him because I do see him so little.  I miss him, I miss his family.  He has great kids and a wonderful wife that I enjoy being around.

I must digress!  I now have 2, yes 2 new students starting next week.  A young man name Dawson who is 12 and a young lady named Alyssa who is also 12 years old.  I am so excited about this.  This leaving everything to God is certainly working out well right now.  I am still scared to death at times, but hey, who isn't?  Most people I know get scared every so often, so I know that I am normal.  yeah, I now only need 7 new students in the next 3 months to keep me here in the house or a new job!  One or the other!!!!!

It has been a busyish day around here.  Tillie and Maia finished up with Mom's paperwork and will be starting on mine.  They are grocery shopping right now.  They have been gone for a very long time and boy am I getting hungry!!!!!  I tried to go to the Secretary of State today to cancel Mom's ID but I didn't bring in the Death Certificate and also I forgot my title to the car to take care of my car's little business so I will have to go back next week.  Not too much of a big deal.  Tomorrow we are meeting with the lawyer again and I hope he has everything I need finished because I don't want to have to make yet another trip.  I also am going to be getting my eyes checked.  Yuck, that happens at 1 pm at Walmart.  They do a good job there.  I was very happy with the doctor they have and with what I need to do so I don't become blind, (I have macular

I hope your day is going well.  Mine mostly has been okay.  I took care of some business, some I have to go and do later because of lack of the right papers.  I will be turning my attention on my room shortly.  Ugh, what a disaster that is right now.  Stuff everywhere!  Well, 1 drawer at a time, right?  That's my motto.  I thing at a time, can't do too many at a time because it will be too overwhelming.

paperwork day

We are doing major paperwork today.  Well, okay, Maia and Tillie are doing major paperwork.  I am just the bystander saying yes or no to whatever they are doing.  Tillie and I went to the lawyer's today only to discover he didn't do anything he was supposed to so we have to go back on Thursday at 10 am.  Yeah, I wasn't pleased about this at all.  We did get some questions answered but not by him by his assistant which was fine because I didn't know that I should have contacted the insurance last month for the house to be transferred over into the trust.  I mean, really, shouldn't that have been mentioned last week of things I need to do?  I am new at this and he is not.  I was not happy with the lawyer after finding that out.  The utilities are fine because mom's house is in a trust right now.  The house insurance will be transferred into her trust's name as soon as I fax the paperwork to them which will be tomorrow.

We have paperwork all over the table in the living room right now plus some in boxes and a couple of bags.  Biggest question, where to begin with everything.  Do we start with my bankruptcy stuff or with all mom's paperwork?  I just don't exactly know.  My head is swimming from everything that I waited forever to do and now have to do because I procrastinated way too long on.  I mean really, some of this stuff could have been taken care of a while ago if I just would have done that, but I didn't.  This summer I really got lazy on paperwork because I was so dealing with mom and all her issues that she had.  I really should have done better with my time and now I am sorry for it.  I am very sorry for that.

It has been a bit of a busy day since I had to open a bank account in my name, pick up medicine, go see the lawyer, and then go through more paperwork.  I wish I could magically get rid of all of this and it would be done but hey, we don't live in Harry Potter's world now do we?

We were looking at pictures of Mom that we found in her top drawer today.  There is even one of Mom in a bathing suit.  I would have love to have seen her in one.  I think I can count the number of times on 1 hand that I have seen her in a bathing suit as a child.  We found pictures of her in one.  She looked very cute.  Some of the pictures were rather old but were fun to look at.  The only sad part of the day was when the lady at the bank asked how Mom was doing.  Now, most of the people of the bank know Mom died because they froze her account and many have said they were sorry.  So, of course, I got teary eyed and she was upset because she didn't know.  I know she didn't mean anything by it, it just made me sad to have to say Mom died last month.

More paperwork for tomorrow is on the agenda for us and then Thursday the lawyer's office again, hopefully with paperwork ready for me this time.  I don't like wasting my time, I mean, he didn't come out to talk to us, his assistant did.  What does that say to us?  His time is more precious than ours?  I mean, really come out and talk to me directly please to explain why I have to come out again and then answer my questions.  I am paying you good money for all this.

Anyways, not a bad day, somewhat productive for a change.  I hope your day has gone well too.

Monday

It has been a month since my life changed drastically all with one phone call.  The phone call I got at 9:15 am October 10, one month ago.  The speech pathologist told me mom failed the swallowing test and they couldn't do anything about that.  She said there were more tests they could do but it would only confirm what they already knew, that she was aspirating on food and drink.  I said no more tests.  A couple of hours later the doctor called and wanted to know what I wanted to do for mom.  Did I want to take her home or place in the hospital hospice unit.  What did i want?  I want them to fix my mom.  Of course I wanted her home, but not to die, to live.  I chose her to be placed in the hospice unit.  I wasn't sure I was capable of giving her the care she would need in her final days.  It seems impossible to me that one month ago I could speak to my mom and she could speak to me.  Now there is only silence.  That week was the worse of my life.  I have never had anything worse.  How do you watch someone you love die?  Someone you need?  It is hard, yet, I was lucky because I did get to say goodbye and I love you.  Others aren't so lucky.  My heart broke that day and it hasn't healed yet.  I don't know if it ever will, but this hole is so empty at times without her.  I wish I had other things to keep me busy, but I don't and I think that is part of the problem.  I have way too much time on my hands.  I think of her a lot, I know she isn't suffering, but I am.  I don't want her to suffer, but I don't want to suffer either.  I want us to be together, like we were.  Happy.  I know the last year was so hard for her at times, but she was still here.  I did everything I could to take care of her.  I have no reason to get up except on the teaching days or if I have company.  I can sleep all I want and no one would notice least of all me.  When does the heart stop hurting so much?  It is overwhelming me at times, not all the time, but some of the time.  I don't cry all the time like I did when she first died.  I do feel lonely which is something that is new for me.  I have had horrible things happen to me before like so many others, but Mom was always there to help me through.  Now she is gone, who is going to help me through it because I don't think I can make it on my own.  I am scared a lot now which is also new.  How will I support myself?  Can I go back to work?  Will I be able to get enough students so that I can live?  These are the things that go through my mind today.  Not always, but some of the time.  They don't flip me out as easily as they did a couple of weeks ago.  I have done somethings to begin looking for a job.  I may have one new student which is possible to gain more.  If I have 11 students regularly each week, I will be okay and I will have enough money to live and pay my bills.  Right now I have 2 regularly each week with several who are once a month, every other week, but 11 regular would work good for me.  I have some time to figure it out.

I have printed my resume and am in the process of updating it.  It sounds like a lot of mumbo jumbo to me.  I have seen a position that would be good for me.  I just have to finish up my resume and then send it in.  It is a start anyway.  That is all I can ask for, is just a start.

I do hope you are having a good day.  My day did improve when Calli and Acer arrived.  They brightened up my day.  Bob also helped with that.  It got my mind on other things besides missing mom so much.  It just seems impossible that this has happened.

turning the corner on the cold

I think I have turned the corner and finally am getting better.  I am still simply exhausted, but I do feel a bit better today.  I have so much to do this week that I just don't have time to be ill.  I really don't.  Not that I think anyone has time to be ill, you know.  I have so much paperwork I need to fill out and copy to send in to places.  Tillie is planning to come tomorrow and I think so is Maia.  I need their help with this so that i get it done and done right.  It is too important to miss any papers.

I was supposed to go to my uncle's today but Michelle is ill too so it is a good thing she cancelled.  I wouldn't have been able to go either so I would have cancelled too.  She has a small son so I hope he didn't get it.  Colds are hard enough on adults let alone little boys.  I am, however, extremely glad I can't give this one to Mom.  That is about the only good thing I can say about her being gone.  Other than that, it really sucks to have your Mom gone.  I miss all the stuff we did together, even in this last year which wasn't her best.  We used to have such fun all the time together but now it is up to me.  I will be strong, she would want me to be.

I have to meet with the lawyer again this week for some paperwork.  I need to let him know he has to take care of the bank account too.  Silly bank, if they would have only let me make a deposit then Mom's account wouldn't be in the hole!  But they wouldn't!  Their problem for now.  Yup, because they wouldn't let me make a deposit that would have covered the check that I had written, they paid it and now the account is overdrawn.  Oh well, I won't worry about that one.

I am still resting for the most part today.  It looks pretty out but I don't know what the weather is like since I haven't been outside yet and am not planning to go outside at all.  I will pick up my medicine tomorrow.  I have 4 students tomorrow.  I will be well enough to teach since the cold is on the downside now.

I hope to have more interesting stuff to post in the next few days besides this miserable cold.  I hope you are healthy and doing well too!

saturday, and the cold is still here

I haven't been down by a cold in so long I forgot how miserable they can be.  i think I slept most of yesterday away, and it is looking like that will be the case again today.  However, if it makes me feel better, I am all for it.  It seems my uncle's girlfriend, Michelle, now has it too.  So that makes about 4 of us in the family who are sick.  She has the runny eyes too, which I have never had before, but boy do I look awful with runny eyes.  Not that I am sure anyone would look great with them, but I look awful.  I was told this morning I look like I am hungover.  Now, I have only had 1 drink in my entire life and it tasted awful so I don't think I am hungover.  I know that it is hard to believe, but I get sick at the smell of alcohol, simply sick to my tummy.  When I was younger and Mom would have wine, I got sick before I even took a drink of it, so no more tasting for me.  When I turned 21 I had the 1 drink and really, I only drank about 1/5 of it and then was ill, so you can see why I wouldn't be hungover.  Either way, i look absolutely horrifying.  I do hope this thing disappears rather quickly like it arrived.

I finally got my antibiotic.  I drank the entire dose like it said, so let's hope it is working!  It is a one dose medicine that stays in your system for about a week so hey, no drinking more medicine, although it didn't taste that bad.  I was happy about that.

Since I have been doing a lot of sleeping, not much has been done.  Tillie and Maia will be here Monday so then we will get the paperwork I need done here and ready to go.  I have been alone for most of the week and it hasn't been too bad.  I have my bad moments where I really want my mom, but others I am okay with her in Heaven.  I don't think I will ever get over her, I mean, she was my Mom and my best friend, but I am feeling more confident that I can do things on my own.  I am still nervous of what is going to happen, but I am working on trusting God more and more.  When you have no idea where you are going to be living in 6 months, it is hard work trusting God to provide and show the way.  He took care of Mom and showed me how to do that when I wasn't sure I could do it, so I know he will do the same for me.  This cold just has back tracked a few things that I will work on next week when I am as healthy as I can be.

Mom's friend, Jose, was here this morning with workout DVDs for us to do.  Yeah, I can't do any of them, not to mention I am sick with a cold right now.  I watched them with him, and let me tell you, I can't do anything they were doing.  Not one bit.  I mean, I can't walk very far, stand very long, or move my arms over my head very much either but he has me being able to do these exercises soon.  I wanted to cry.  He doesn't get it.  I have arthritis and Fibromyalgia.  How on earth does he expect me to do these?  I have no idea.  The next time he wants to come over for exercise I will be busy, I just will find something else to do.  this is crazy, I can't do it and I won't hurt myself trying to either.  He is so clueless on these illnesses.

Anyways, I am getting tired again.  Time to go and lay down some more.  I hope you are having a great day and enjoying good weather!

Still sick

I am still rather sick.  My throat still hurts although it isn't extreme, so that is good.  I am able to swallow without too much pain.  The over the counter medicines do help with that.  In about 10 minutes I can take some pain medicine.  I pick up my antibiotic after 5, which I am looking forward to because it should help a lot with the throat and the nose and eyes.  My eyes aren't watering like they were yesterday, although they are as red as yesterday and it looks quite funny.  I am glad about the fact they aren't watering so much today.

I have a lot to work on next week and I think with Maia and Tillie's help I will accomplish a lot.  I just need some help, that's all.  I don't see the point of not admitting when I need it and right now I do.  So they are coming on Monday to help with the State of Michigan stuff and the bankruptcy stuff.  I can't wait until this is all finished and taken care of and I don't have to think about it anymore!  Yeah!  Won't that be nice?  I think so.

I hope to talk to Richard today to see how he is doing.  I know he is working super hard right now for his family.  The kids, I think, are doing well.  I haven't seen them in 2 years though.  It seems like forever since I have last seen them.  I hope to see them at Christmas at least.  It feels like so far away from now to me though, even though it is only less than 2 months.  What can I say?  I have no concept of time right now because of this cold and everything that has been happening.

I think I am going to go and lay back down.  I am simply exhausted and can't seem to stay awake much longer.  I don't care if I sleep the day away as long as I get my medicine after 5, that is all that is important.  I am sure tomorrow will be a better day for this!

I am missing mom.  I can't say if it is more than usual or not, but I am missing her.  I am, however, glad I can't pass this cold to her as she was a horrible patient when she had a cold the last few years.  The tough little lady would turn into someone I never recognized.  She is where there is no sickness or anything like that.  I just wish she were here with me.

I do hope this finds you doing well and healthy, unlike me.  I hope you do not have a fall cold and that you are enjoying the weather whatever it is at your place!

Thursday

I went to the doctor this morning about the sore throat.  I got an antibiotic, that will be here tomorrow after 5 at the store.  Yeah, not really happy about when it comes in but what can I do about that?  Nothing.  I am grateful I have it at all.  My throat isn't as sore as it was earlier.  This cold has me knocked out today.  I am taking today and tomorrow to take care of the cold.  It had better be history by the weekend because I am not up for having this thing any longer.  I need to clean my contacts.  This cold has made them blurry because my eyes are running so much too.  Ugh, just not feeling great today.  I rescheduled the tummy doctor appointment for 2 weeks because of the cold.  I knew I had to see my doctor today so I rescheduled the other doctor appointment.  I have an eye doctor appointment next Thursday with the tummy doctor the following Thursday.  I am so glad I only have to see the tummy doctor every 3 months.  At one time, they wanted me to come monthly but I just can't afford that.  That is just too much money since on my current insurance I have to pay for doctor visits.  What was I thinking when set that plan up?  Oh yeah, I was healthier than and to add doctor appointments made it very expensive and I wouldn't be able to afford it now.

I am just resting today so no hard decisions to be making.  I am just too tired today.  Monday Tillie and Maia are going to help me with the bankruptcy papers and get them organized and copied.  I need the help.  We are also going to do the State of Michigan papers and I will fill out the new application I have to fill out for food stamps and medicaid.

I called my social worker yesterday and she called me back.  She was very surprised that Mom had passed away.  So were the people at CVS this morning.  Mrs. Biles said to send in the application and she would see what she can do on her end.  She is very helpful for this awful time for me.  The next thing I need to look into is low income housing.  I am planning to stay in the house for a few months to get it ready to sell.  I don't know what Richard is planning to do, he hasn't really told me.  I didn't expect he would.  He will eventually tell me what he is thinking.

Sparky Anderson just died today.  He was the same age as Mom and he died of the same thing.  His poor family.  I know how bad they feel.  It is awful, simply awful, no way around it.  I don't wish this thing to happen to anyone.  It is hard to have someone you love here one moment and the next they are gone.  I am doing better today.  Yesterday, I cried a lot, today not so much.  Today, I am feeling stronger.  With God's help, I will be strong again.  I will.

I have to go and figure out something for dinner now, although I am not very hungry.  I think I will just have some soup even that doesn't sound to fun.  I am just not that hungry today.  I know it is the cold.  I get this way when I get a cold.  I hope tomorrow is a better day and the cold is better too.

Wednesday

I went to make a deposit to the bank today and couldn't.  They have froze my mom's bank account right now until it goes through the courts.  I have been waiting for them to do this, but since they weren't I did use the account.  Now I can't.  Even expecting things like this are hard for me.  Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and hide from the world.  I am not feeling very well today, I am have a cold for the first time in years.  Not really happy about this.  The only good thing is I can't pass it on to Mom and have her get sick too.  I am trying really hard to stay positive about everything.  I am usually an optimist person so I am sure I will be that way again, just right now I am so sad.  I have discovered you can me smile and mean it and be sad at the same time.  I was upset at the bank but that was over the whole situation, not because they can't let me use Mom's account.  I do totally understand and will get that taken care of within the next little bit.  My upset was because Mom is no longer here and that makes me really sad at times although, I don't feel I cry as much as I did last week.  I still want to be with Richard.  I don't think he realizes how alone I really am here at times.

Tillie is getting sick too and so is Maia.  I think they both got what Andrew passed me.  So nice of him to share.  In his defense, what else could he do, he didn't know we would get it and it was my mother's burial so he had to be there.

I am glad all that is behind me now.  I still miss her like crazy and like Missy says, the smallest things either make my cry or smile.  I was looking at some pictures of her and I was smiling last night.  I can't believe I will only see her in pictures now.  She was so full of life.  I wish everyone could have known her.

I have to take care of the state of Michigan stuff this week.  I need to fax over the stuff they want and then that will be taken care of.  I also am going to make an appointment with the bankruptcy attorney.  I have to find out what to do about Mom's too.  Does Mom still file?  I mean, how does that all work?  I don't know.  The lawyer yesterday was pretty confusing about some stuff too.  I am not sure about anything right now.  I do know that he is doing some stuff for us and it is expensive but that is the best way to do it.  It is a lot of work closing out a persons life.  You wouldn't think so, but it is.  I miss her so much today.  I have one lesson later.  I think I am going to take a brief nap shortly.  I am very tired.

I do hope this finds you doing well and enjoying your day.

tuesday

I met with the trust lawyer this morning.  Lots of money later, I have things started to close out the rest of mom's trust and estate.  Yeah, they don't mention how much money it costs now do they?  Of course not.  Whatever.  Anyways, it is started and will be finished soon.  Mom doesn't have enough assets to probate so we get to pass over that hassle.  Thank goodness for something good.

I have to reorganize the kitchen tomorrow because Richard doesn't like where some of the electrical cords are, they are a safety hazard.  I agree so I am going to fix it.  I don't need to accidentally burn our house down, that would be a worse nightmare.

I can stay in the house for three years as long as I can keep up with the bills.  A roommate will not be an option as Mom states in the trust no renting or sub renting, so I either have to handle it myself or we sell.  This all depends on me getting a job because I would like to stay here.  I like our house also, I don't really want to move right now.  Maybe later, but not right now.

I am alone tonight which is fine by me because I am getting a cold.  I am so not happy about this as Andrew had one on Saturday and it was pretty nasty so I hope that I get rid of this fast.  I haven't had a cold in years, and usually they turn into lung infections which are pretty bad.  Thank goodness I didn't get it when Mom was here.  Poor little thing, she didn't do very well when she was sick with a cold.  I took care of her when she got them though.  It made it so hard for her to breathe when she had a cold.  I am glad the last two years she really didn't get that many and she didn't have the flu because we got the flu shot every year.  I miss taking care of her.  It gave me a purpose and right now I don't have many purposes in my life.  I do have another lesson tomorrow providing I am not sick with a bad cold.  I haven't seen this particular student since Labor Day weekend.  She is supposed to have lessons every other week.  That hasn't seemed to pan out this year, so I don't count her when I figure out how many students I have on a regular basis.  It works better that she be a bonus student.  Plus her younger sister is supposed to have lessons every other week too and I haven't seen her since last February.

The canker sore in my mouth is rather painful tonight too as well as my throat.  I knew I had some cold medicine but I didn't know where it went.  I am still trying to figure out where stuff went to in the kitchen since it was redone.  Well, after I bought new stuff, I found the old stuff that works really good so that is what I will take tonight.  I have AM and PM stuff that works pretty well.  Mom didn't like it because it was a liquid, but I don't mind the taste and it has a cooling effect to.  She did better with pills.

Thinking about Mom tonight doesn't seem to hurt as much as it did yesterday.  I have cried very little today, so it is a better day than yesterday.  It still is weird and strange not to have her listening to lessons and reminding the students to practice.  She did that up to the very end.  As a matter of fact, until they disconnected her IV, she could still talk and hold short conversations as well as walk.  With the dehydration she got weaker and was unable to talk but before that she was fine.  I do hope someday they fix this disease and then no one will have to have it.  It is simply awful, like so many diseases.  I think this is one of the worse though because it robs you of yourself and your control over yourself.

It has been an alright day, I can't say good, because I am still so sad but alright is a good word for it.  I hope your day was good and enjoyable.  Don't forget to tell your loved ones how much you love them, you never know when they won't be there and you won't be able to tell them that again.