Thursday 11-18

I had a blood test this morning for my protime.  It took 2 pokes.  Yuck, just not into that.  Then I went to the drive through for the usual.  I just wasn't up to going on in and sitting by myself.  My friend, Rosemary wasn't there so I did drive thru instead.

After that I went to the tummy doctor's.  It has been a month since I was supposed to go.  I had to tell the Physician Assistant I see about mom when she asked about mom.  She was very sad.  So was the nurse.  The nurse had tears in her eyes as I told her about mom.  It has been a month today.  It seems like forever in some ways.  I am getting used to being on my own but it is still really hard.  It has been 7 years for the nurse's mom and 14 years for the nurse's father.  She said even though she knew her parents were together, it was still really hard and it took a long time to move forward.  She said not to think about it moving on, because you never really do, it's moving forward, it isn't getting over either, just moving forward and that helped me a lot.  Moving forward is also what Richard calls it.  I am trying to move forward in my life.

I haven't heard from the direct marketing company yet.  I am hoping I hear from them soon.  I am so anxious to get this job.  I am also looking for other work too, so I am not putting all my eggs in one basket, but I know this particular company is hiring.  I will ask Phoebe about it in a couple weeks if I don't hear from them.  I know it probably takes more than 2 days, I mean, I only applied Tuesday.

I want to thank all my readers for their kind comments about yesterdays post.  I am so pleased to read that I am doing alright with grieving.  I have heard from several that have let me know that it is an individual process and I shouldn't be on anyone's schedule.  I will not worry about it anymore.  I am doing okay.  I did cry at the tummy doctors, but that was to be expected.  I am having a better day today than I have had in the last few days, especially on Sunday.

I have been looking for a new pair of running shoes for almost 6 months now.  Well, I was in Walmart and went to the shoe department, I don't usually do this, but their running shoes caught my eye.  I have ordered and tried at least 4 pairs of shoes so far and none have fit just right.  To my surprise, the shoes I looked at fit just right so I finally have a new pair of shoes.  I am very excited about this as my old ones are really looking old and the arches aren't too good.  I am hopeful for this new pair.  I will be trying them tomorrow at home to see how they feel.  I am hopeful that they will work well for me.

I went through about 24 envelopes of pictures and CDs of pictures last night, to find 5 pictures of me and mom, or just me or just mom.  I take pictures of everything but people!  Now I am sorry I didn't take more pictures of mom, but I do have quite a few too.  Not too mention she will always be in my mind and heart so I won't forget what she looked like.  I am enjoying scanning pictures too.  It is fun.  I will do more on the weekend.  I am going to have my friend, Heather B-T bring up the big box of family pictures.  Inside are many pictures of all of us.  I also am going to start bringing in a box of slides every few months to be transferred to disc.  I am excited about doing this.  Mom and I had been meaning to do it for years and then poor little Momma got sick and forgot about it.  I will do it in her place.

I have had an okay day today.  Outside of the brief tears today, it hasn't been too upsetting.  I knew the doctor would be upsetting because Momma came everywhere with me.  So now all of my doctors know and I don't have to go through that again.  I would say at this time everyone who knew Mom now knows she is gone.  I have gotten lots of sympathy, which at times I need, not all the time, but sometimes, but more importantly, I have gotten support on moving forward in my life.  It will be a hard thing, but I am not alone and that is important for me to remember even though at times I feel so alone, I really am not.  I have friends and family I can call, not to mention face book or email.  I may not be able to get a hold of someone right away, but generally, it isn't too long until I can get a hold of someone.

I hope your day was good and that you are having a good Thanksgiving Season.  I am thankful for all my friends and family.  I am also thankful that I had such a great mom who was also my best friend and companion.  I have wonderful memories of her that I do cherish even if at times they hurt right now.  I know eventually I won't the pain along with them.

family pictures

I scanned some family pictures from 1978 to 1979.  I scanned them myself.  I wasn't sure if I could scan it myself because I have never used her scanner and used a scanner with the PC.  I am not very good at computers at time.

Anyways, here is the eye candy from our family.

So some of the pictures we are in Montreal, some Niagara Falls, and Kentucky Natural Bridge.  Some of them may have posted twice, sorry.  I don't know how to fix out.

I just found out how, so I fixed it.  Thanks Missy.

Wednesday 11-17-2010

It has been almost a month, tomorrow will be one month since Mom died.  I am feeling very sad and angry today.  Sad, because Mom isn't here with me, angry because according to some family members, I am not grieving proper nor am I trying to get over Mom.  I found that out on Sunday.  I was at first shocked, then, upset, then really mad.  My Mom hadn't even been gone a month and I am supposed to be over her?  What the?  I mean, really, where is there reality?  Mine is gone!  I am learning a new life, and now I am supposed to be on their schedule?  Well, shockingly as it is, I am not.  I am doing the best that I can and too bad for them if it isn't good enough.  I didn't appreciate being told I am not working hard enough on getting OVER Mom.  I won't apologize to them for it either.  This is my life and I am working the best that I can.  Too bad it isn't good enough for them.  When I first got home I called Kathy and cried for about an hour, mixing between anger and upset.  I don't know what they expect but from what I have been told by others that have lost their moms, it could be a year until I feel normal again.  That probably doesn't fit within their schedule either.  So yeah, that has been my Sunday.  I also had family members talking about me behind my back and I could see them do it.  It was rather obvious to me.  The reason I know that they were talking behind my back is because they spoke to me right after and then conferenced again.  I did not appreciate that.  I am adult, treat me like one.  Also, Andrew gave Tillie permission to throw away anything of Mom's she wanted.  Well, I didn't.  I am the one who is going to go through her things, no one else.  I will decide what I want and what I don't.  I am the one who lives here, I am the one who took care of her so I will be the one to get rid of what is not needed.  I don't care that I am a pack rat.  I will cleanse as I see fit and when I see fit.  Which isn't right now.  I find it also annoying that outside of my friends and Richard, some members of the family haven't bother to ask me what I want.  I have been told to move back to Canada.  Not asked, told, not suggested, told.  I was also told that I can "prove" I am getting over Mom by getting a Canadian address and OHIP card.  OHIP is Ontario's health insurance.  Well, that would be fraudulent and I am not breaking a law anywhere.  I won't do it unless I decide to move and right now I am planning to stay in the house for a few years until we sell it and hopefully get more out of it then we will if we sell now.  There won't be enough to cover any equity line and commissions so I am planning to wait and see if it increases in value in the next few years.  According to the trust, I can live here for 3 years, well, I just might.  This is the home I have known forever, this is where I want to stay right now.  Maybe in a few months it will be different, but not right now.

I made an oopsie when I went to the doctor this morning.  It was for the arthritis doctor.  It was actually mom's appointment, not mine.  I threw them for a loop but when they called they said me so what was I supposed to think?  Anyways, I don't have to go on December 2 now because I went today.  I had to tell the doctor that Mom died.  She said Mom was probably happier now, well, I don't think so, I am not so don't tell me Mom is.  I miss her horribly and I would like to think she liked being with me.  I am not doing really well today and I have to go through this again tomorrow because Mom always came with me to the doctors and the doctor tomorrow will probably ask about her too.  Although it would be worse for me if they didn't ask because that would mean they forgot about my mom and that would break my already broken heart.  Either way I just can't win today, maybe tomorrow will be better.  I sure hope so because today rather sucks for me.  I either am angry or crying or both at the same time.  I should be better by the time I teach.  I have a new student tonight that I am excited about.  2 new students in one week!

I hope your day is better than mine.  I am going to nap for a bit and see if I can calm down some.  This crying and anger makes me ache more and very tired.  I hope I sleep for a bit because I didn't sleep very well last night at all.  I miss having Mom in the house at night, I really do.  I don't sleep very well sometimes by myself.

tuesday 11-16-2010

I have 2 students today.  1 is brand new to me!  I am very excited about that.  It shall be interesting.  I always enjoy teaching and am thrilled to pieces that I have 2 new students starting this week.

Tillie and Maia went home.  They were here today and yesterday.  I don't have any plans for them to come back as right now I am doing alright and can handle being alone.  I am getting used to the solitude of the house.  I have even enjoyed some TV stuff which is a first for me in several months as I was so worried about the little lady.  I really enjoyed the comments on her pictures and her story.  I miss her a lot, but that is to be expected.  The pain is not always gut wrenching like it was.  Sometimes it still is, but overall, I am slowly, very slowly, healing.  I think I will miss her forever, but I am trying to keep busy so I don't think about her all the time.

Today was the first day I went to the music store without Mom.  She was so proud that I taught music.  She would get so mad when people would ask when was I going to get a real job.  She would answer, she has a real job in a very stern tone.  She got so annoyed by people thinking I didn't have a real job.  Well, teaching is a real job!

I am not, however, looking forward to the holidays as of yet.  I do hope to get into the swing of things when they arrive.  I am going to put up our little tree on the princess table in the living room and that probably is about it.  I don't want to go all out like I had originally planned.  We all know why but I do want something Christmasy out because not celebrating Jesus' birthday is not good.  Why should he be ignored because Momma is with him?  I mean, how cool for her, she gets to celebrate his birthday with him.  I just wished she was here with me.

Not much happening this week except for 2 new students and my current students.  I plan to apply for a job today online.  I hope I get an interview.  It is the place Phoebe works and it sounds fun.  I am not looking for a new career right now, but something part time would help pay the bills and keep my disability so that is what is important.  My limited mobility shouldn't be a problem as it is a sit down at the phones all day job.  I probably won't want to talk on the phone when I get home though!  That is what happened when I worked at a call center before.  At least this will be a permanent type job not seasonal like the other.

Anyways, here is a picture of me and mom when I was at Kathy's wedding.  It was one of the best days of my life.  I think I was more excited than she was at this point.  She was so tired after months of planning.  I was so happy and excited about her wedding.  The other great days were the birth of my niece and nephew and Kathy's children's birth.  Graduation rates up there too.

I was thrilled to be one of the maid of honors.  Her friend, Karen, and I shared the honor.  It was such an awesome evening.  Doesn't Mom look simply gorgeous????  I think so.  I look pretty good too.  I can clean up well.  I still have the dress.  Doesn't fit me anymore, but I still have it.  This was in November of 1996.

I do hope this finds you doing well and having a great day!  I am having a good one, can't say great, but overall, it is pretty good.

monday - a busy day

We had a real estate lady here earlier to tell us how much the house is worth in this market.  I just want to have an idea for when we sell it.  We aren't selling anytime soon that is for sure because I am going to have a job that will keep me in it while I slowly go through it.  I am not in a rush.  I need time to really think about what I have, what I want, and what I need.

Yesterday, I was at Uncle John's.  It was mostly a good day.  I got tired and a bit of a headache at the end of the night.  I am not sure why but I did.  I left first because it was almost 9 pm and I needed to get going to drive home the hour and a half it takes.  I didn't want to be driving with a bad headache which was on its way.  Mean head.

Phoebe is coming over tonight.  I can't wait to see her.  I want to hear all about her new job.  She just started today so I am excited for her.  Also, she is going to give me information to apply for the job.  I know she went it to me before, but I accidentally erased it.  What was I thinking?

It is a bit of a sad day for me.  It has been 4 weeks since Mom died.  5 weeks since she last spoke to me.  I will always treasure the fact that the last thing she said to me and the last thing I said to her was I love you. I mean, how cool is that?  How many people actually get to say that?  Not many.  So many that I know of regret what they say to the person they love right before they die because they don't know they are going to die.  I am glad I have a beautiful memory of her saying I love you to me.  I also made sure for the last few years that I told her everyday how much I loved her.  Because she was losing her memory I really wanted her to remember that I loved her.  She remembered that until the very end as far as I know.  I would ask her, Momma do you know how much I love you?  Did I tell you today how much I love you?  She would sometimes say, yes, you told me, tell me again, other times she would say I don't know if you did.  But I made sure that everyday I told her how much I loved her even when I was mad at her.

Phoebe and I had a great time.  She made spaghetti with sausage!  Yum!  We watched the bucket list.  Surprisingly it was funny and I wasn't sad watching it like I was afraid I would be.

a Bit about Mom

Hi!  Since I posted the pictures of Mom, I am going to give a brief history of the little lady.  She was an amazing woman to me.  I know most of us feel that way about our moms.  Moms are so special, aren't they?

Anyways:

Mom was born in 1934 in Chatham, Ontario,  Canada.  Her full name is Vivian Albertha Paxton.  She was the first of 4 children born to my grandparents.  When she was small, she lived on a farm outside the city limits right next door to her grandparents.  Mom told me once when she was about 5, she decided she would rather live with her grandmother.  They were very close.  Now they are together again.  So Mom took her baby carriage and baby doll across to the fence dividing the property and toss the carriage and the doll over and hopped over the fence.  Of course, her grandmother said she had to go home.  Mom was very upset at that.  She thought that at 5 she should get to live with her grandmother.

At 8, Mom moved to Windsor, Ontario, Canada because her dad got a job at Ford Motor Company.  He worked there until he retired.  I don't know when.  Mom was culture shocked when she moved.  In the country, she went to a one room school house.  In the city, she went to a huge elementary school.   It took some time before she liked it.

Mom joined the air force at 18 years old.  I don't remember how long she said she was in it, but it was for a short while.  She left the air force and joined the army reserves in Windsor and there she served for 31 years.  She was the first woman in all of Ontario to become a major, and the 2nd in all of Canada.  She also served as an aide to the Lieutenant Governor of Ontario.  She loved doing that.  I remember one time we went to the opening of the Ontario Parliament (like their congress) and we (Andrew and I) were told do NOT run down the hall the other children were running down and scream.  Well, needless to say, I couldn't resist.  I mean, really, how would mom know, she was on the other side of the building.  So I started running, I didn't scream because that would have been to rude, people were working in the offices down that hall.  Of course, I ran right into Mom at the end of the hall.  Apparently one of her friends saw me start running and rushed to tell mom, laughing the whole time.  You see, Andrew and I were always on our best behavior when we were at official functions.  Her friends used to tease her about how we never did anything wrong.  Well, the person couldn't wait to tell mom.  I had to stand or sit next to her the rest of the day.  Mom's friends had a field day teasing her about how I messed up.  Of course, Andrew was too shy at the time to do anything so bad, only I did it.  I tried to convince him to do it and the smart little boy refused.  Good thing, we both would have been in trouble that day.

We had a lot of fun with her on the official duties at times, other times it was so boring waiting and waiting for her to be finished.  We always had toys to play with but you know kids, they want what they don't have with them.  Overall, it was kind of cool watching mom on a parade square giving orders.   (Unless she was bellowing my name, then it wasn't cool at all)  These are just some of the memories I have of mom.

pictures of the little mother

I am going to try to post some pictures of Mom.  I have created an album of them on face book of mom.  I was surprised at how easy it was to do!  I mean, even inept me could do it.

So here goes nothing!!!

So anyways, here are a few pictures of the little Mom through out the years.  I have so many to choose from that it was a lot of fun choosing.  The bottom picture is one of the ones that I am going to have enlarged and frame as I simply love the picture of mom.

Hope you liked the pictures!

saturday

I met up with Peggy today for lunch.  Boy, was it fun.  I had a really good time.  I am tired from it, but it was a good time.  I haven't seen her since the funeral.  I got up around 11:30 today and was a bit lazy while I waited for her call when she finished work.  She had to work this morning at her job.  She works in an office for a manufacturing plant.  Sounds like fun.  We were there for about 3 hours.  Yup, we sure were.

When I got home, I called Anne and talked to her a bit, that was fun too.  She and her boyfriend were making beef stew in a crock pot.  I am going to do that on Monday for dinner.  I have the kit and everything.  I love beef stew.  I also have a pork roast kit that I need to make too.  We will have that this week too since I will have company to feed.

I got a message from my friend, Missy, who warned me about playing the mind games about if I did this, would Mom still be alive type thing.  How did she know that IS exactly what my mind has been doing for the last couple of days.  If I got Mom out of the nursing home early would she still be alive, if she had not been in the hospital to recover from the UTI's would she still be alive.  Well, the truth is, is doesn't matter because my mom is in Heaven and all the wishing in the world is NOT going to bring her back to me.  Bottom line, she is in Heaven and she is healthy and happy and watching over me.  I miss her every minute of the day right now, but right now, I am alright and no trace of tears.  I had a good day and I am going to watch some TV tonight, Numbers, and try to enjoy myself.  I can watch whatever I want now so I am going to watch this show.  I have the entire season 6 to watch.  Anne loves this show too.  I had to stop watching it because it was on so late on Fridays, but also, it started scaring Mom and no show is worth Mom being scared.  She was scared enough, I didn't need TV to scare her too.  I am also going to scan some pictures of her tonight to or try to put the pictures we have on disc so that I can try to post them both on face book and on my blog so everyone can see what my little (and I mean little) Mom looked like.  I think she was simply gorgeous.  Of course, I am a bit biased, so bear with me on that.  She was the best mom ever.  I know, many of you say the same thing about your mom, but really, mine was the best!  He he he!  There was a time when we fought a lot as many moms and daughters do, but as adults we were more than just mother and daughter, we were best friends too.  We liked the same things, did the same activities, and simply enjoyed each others company.  It was a great friendship we had, I just wish my brothers had the same.  Yes, they simply adored Mom too, but they weren't as close friends as mom and I were.  Mom and I even went on vacations together.  I went on some with my friends, but I would come home and cry because something wouldn't be right or we got in a fight or something like that.  After the 3rd time I came home and cried (I was in my 20s), mom suggested I go with her.  Well, I did and we had a blast!  We had so much fun.  We giggled together, we talked and talked and talked.  We liked the same type things.  We were a lot alike in many ways.  I don't know if that is making it harder for me because we were such good pals, or if it would be just as hard anyways.  It doesn't matter, it is very hard.  I have new respect for people who have lost loved ones.  It is sheer hell, sheer hell.  Today, I am doing better though!  So I am taking it as I can.  Well, off to figure out some pictures!!!!!  Have a spectacular night!

nighttime

It seems to be bad in the nighttime before I go to bed.  I tried reading before I went to bed tonight and I started crying again.  I miss her most I think at night.  I have rarely, before she died, slept in the house on my own so I think that might be part of it.  One month ago she was alive, dying, but alive.  I don't understand why they couldn't fix this.  Wouldn't a feeding tube have worked?  The doctor said no, but still, shouldn't we have tried?  I don't know.  I just miss her most in the morning and the evening.  I have way too much time on my hands.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

friday - a bit better of a day

I am feeling a bit better today after crying pretty much all last evening and some this morning.  I talked to Richard, my older brother, at 11pm last night.  hey, I was desperate to talk to someone and he called me back!  I had left a message that I wasn't doing too well and needed to talk to him.  He reassured me I was doing just fine and it was normal to feel what I was feeling, just like everyone else said.  It calmed me down enough to have a decent night sleep for a chance.  I was a bit teary eyed this morning but I called Kathy and we talked and now I feel much better.  I think it was because we started going through mom's things in the dining room cabinet.  We aren't going to go through anymore of mom's things until I am ready which is not right now.  I need help with the paperwork and that is all right now.  I can't handle cleaning out mom's stuff, that is the bottom line, nor do I want anyone else to take care of it.  I will do it later, not right now.  It feels like I am invading her privacy going through her stuff.  I know it needs to be done, but not yet.  I need more time to get used to this being alone business.

Julie just called.  Lily will be coming over here after she gets her teeth extracted so that Julie can take her husband, Ross, to the emergency room.  He fell and hurt his wrist.  Hey, I get Lily!  So I am happy on that.  I know she won't be feeling too great after getting teeth extracted, I don't care if she sleeps or whatever, I will get to feast my eyes on her and that is good.  Lily is one of the adopted grandchildren of Mom.  She and her sisters adopted Mom many years ago since they don't have their own grandparents in their life.  Lily is very upset over mom dying too.  It is very hard for her and her sister, just like it is me.

I hope by the weekend to have some pictures ready to post of mom.  There are a couple of when she was young that I simply love and then of course, the professional pictures I got taken this past march near her birthday.  I also plan to work on the thank you notes.  I haven't even started them yet.  I would have yesterday, but we all know how that day went.  I have to be clear headed to do the notes.  There are so many people to thank.  So many of my friends came to support me which I completely appreciate.  I know I am a very lucky girl, I have family and friends who love me and that is so important.  I love them right back.  It helped a lot to talk to Kathy and Richard today and yesterday.  Sometimes just hearing a voice on the other end is very helpful to me.  I am glad that I am doing what is considered normal at this stage of the game.  I was so afraid that I wasn't adjusting well and that I was not normal with this grieving that I am doing.  I can think of mom today and smile.  I am not going to go through pictures today though, I am still feeling a bit fragile, but I want to post some this weekend so everyone can see how awesome my mom was, not just hear me say it.  Like Kathy said today, it sucks, no way around it, it just sucks.  I dread the day she has to go through this, however, she will have me, because I will have gone through it, maybe I can make her pain a bit less.  Fortunately, her parents are both very healthy.  They came to the funeral to see mom, they didn't come to the funeral because they were watching Kathy's little girls.  I was so glad we had the funeral on a day Kathy could be there, because it helped tremendously to have my best friend there with me holding my hand.

I hope you are having a good day.  Mine is better, not great, but better.  Lily will be here soon, so that should be awesome to chat with the young lady.

thursday - part 2

I am having a hard time adjusting today.  I came home from the eye doctor and was fine for a bit and then the tears started rolling.  Took a nap, was better, then a creditor for mom called and the tears started rolling again.  I can't seem to stop them so they just keep rolling on down my face.  I thought I was adjusting well, even have a possible lead for a job, but the tears are just rolling.  I even emailed my younger brother, Andrew, to see what he does when he is overwhelmed.  Is it because we started going through Mom's stuff?  Or because I am alone.  I was alone last weekend and was fine, sick with a cold, but fine.  What is up?  This grieving process has me thrown for a loop.  How on earth can people manage?  I don't seem to be doing it very well.  My head says one thing but my heart says something different.  I know Mom is not in pain anymore and she is healthy and well.  I know part of her will always be with me.  I know that, but it isn't helping me right now.  Is it because I am scared of what is going to happen?  I don't know, I have never been through anything like this before.  When my dad left, I had mom, when I got sick, I had mom, I mean, I always had Mom and now I don't.  Is this normal or I am just not handling this well?  I knew it would be hard as she was always with me, especially in the last five years, but I didn't know it would be this hard.  I had no idea.  Maybe I could have prepared for this.  I don't know.  Maybe.  Is there a good book I should read to help me, besides the bible, which sometimes helps, sometimes doesn't.  I know she is with family and friends in Heaven, but I want her here.  Am I just super selfish or what?  I don't understand  why my heart is hurting so bad.  I wish I was with her.  I just want to be with my mom, that is all, just with her because even in her bad days, it was better with her than without.  How long does this take before i don't cry a lot?  How on earth am I supposed to go on with living with this much pain?  It hurts more than fibro and arthritis and everything else I have.  Crying also makes my head hurt worse, so that makes even more pain.  I just don't get this.  I want her back now, right now so I won't hurt so bad.  I know people have gone through this before me, lots of people, how did they survive?

I am going to try to go to bed now.  I hope I sleep, this pain isn't so bad when I am sleeping.  Maybe I will be better tomorrow.  I hope so.  I need to get past this pain somehow.  It is overwhelming me so much that I feel like I am walking through mud and not going anywhere.  I think I need help for this.  Maybe counseling will help or is this normal 1 month after a parent or someone you love dies and leaves you all alone?  Am I losing my mind too?