Sunday before Christmas

I went to Windsor today for a family dinner.  It was fun.  I got a new bath towel and a picture type frame for my Disney Characters.  I got a new toothbrush too.  It is purple.  I left early so that I could be home before dark.  I got home right before the sunset.  I was glad because it is so cold out the roads turn to ice quickly.  I try not to go out at night when it is this cold.  I don't want to get in an accident.  I don't particularly like driving in the dark in the winter because of the black ice on the road.  I know there is black ice during the day too, but it is usually warmer during the day.

Wilbert was there too.  It was the first time I have seen him in a while.  He seemed to enjoy himself there.  A lot of my cousins on Tillie and Wilbert's side were there.  Uncle John, Michelle, and Jayson were there too.

I have a busy day tomorrow.  I have to mail Richard's family's presents.  I also want to make the chocolate. I have everything ready for it.  I got gift certificates for Richard and family.  I just have to wrap them.  I also have to copy those papers so that I can drop them off Tuesday.  I do not want to wait anything longer. I need this taken care of.

I am pretty tired today.  I hope you had a good day.

Hanging out with a friend!

What started off as a bad morning, ended as a good day.  I woke up to a dream that was so real I could almost feel Mom.  I dreamed that I was chasing Momma to give her a hug, and when I caught her I gave her one.  Then I woke up.  Strangely, I could actually feel her small body in a hug when I woke.  I sleep holding a pillow in front of me for my arm because otherwise it pulls on my back and for a moment that pillow was Momma.  Of course, after I woke up I cried, then my friend, Donna called and wanted to know if I wanted to get together with her.  Well, yeah!  Especially as I had nothing planned for the day.  So we met at Tim Horton's for lunch and stayed there for about 2 hours.  We just sat and chatted away, made my sadness disappear.  Today, Momma has been gone 2 months.  I feel much stronger than I did 2 months ago and in my dream Momma was healthy.  Donna said it was Momma's way of letting me know she is with me and that she is fine.  She is healthy and happy and wants me too.  You see, Momma and I would play a game with hugs, we would be like no, you can't hug me and run from the other until the person caught the other.  We did this when I was small and when she started to get sick.  It made her smile and laugh.  She looked so pretty when she smiled and laughed.

After we left Tim Horton's we went to Walmart to pick up a few things.  I needed to get some gift cards for Richard and family and she needed eggs for baking.  I also picked up a new calendar for 2011 as I didn't have one yet.  I got this Algae stuff for the fish tank, it is supposed to keep the water clear.  We shall see if it works.  I hope so!  Cat and Dog (the two fish) need a nice and clear tank.  I love my little fish.  I think Lily does too.  She likes to feed them.  Donna and I tooled around Walmart looking at everything.  She rides in a wheel chair and I ride in a scooter, so I am sure we looked like a train going through the store.  I also got Kathy a treat, which I can't say what it is as she reads this and that would blow the secret.  But trust me, it is something she will love.  I have to wrap presents this week.  I finally have some paper.  I gave Donna her present and she loved it.  I got her and her Granddaughter, Sam, Santa Mugs.  They are huge and wonderfully cute looking.  She loved it.  She gave me a new Winnie the Pooh Bear!  We all know how much I love that one!  But the biggest surprise of the day?  A nice lady at Tim Horton's, I think she is the aunt of the owner, gave me two, yes two, snowmen, handmade!  They are about 18 inches tall and they are so adorable.  I was stunned to say the least.  She and her craft club made them.  She said it was to cheer me up a bit.  Well, I am cheered!  She too, is having a rough year because her husband passed three years ago and for some reason she says this year is rougher than the last two.  I only see her when I am at the restaurant, but what a wonderful thing to do for me!  I am going to be taking pictures of them tonight.  They are going on the second piano, one at each end of the top.  I am moving the CDs and music that is on the piano to the other piano bench and they will look so cute with the CD player in the middle.  I am so floored that she made them for me.

All in all, I would have to say it has been a good day.  Started off a bit shaky, but ended well.  I am pretty tired now that I am home and finished dinner.  Speaking of sleeping, the new pain medicine is helping me sleep a bit better, I think.  I don't wake up as often as I did on the darvocet so I guess that is a great thing!  Better sleep for me.  I have even been awake enough to get up by 9:30 some mornings.  Now that is unusual for me as I don't generally get up until about 11 or noon.  So the new medicine is better.

My headache is getting better too.  It is almost back to the normal headache.  As long as it goes back to the normal headache I am fine.  I know there isn't anything they can do about the chronic daily headache.  I stopped going to doctors for it when the last 2 specialists said they could only help the bad ones, well they didn't help those and nothing seems to help the chronic one, but I am used to it now.  It has been 6 years.

I am going to make some chocolate tonight for William and Abigail to put in their Christmas box on Monday.  I have to wrap a few presents tonight or tomorrow too.  I also need to copy those papers.  I am going to Windsor for lunch tomorrow, but plan to be home before dark.  I plan to leave at 3 pm so that gives me plenty of time to be home before the dark.  With the cold weather, I don't want to drive with icy roads and that is what would happen when you drive in the dark around here.  When it is this cold I try to keep my nighttime driving to a minimum.  Safer for all that way.

Friday

I had lunch with my friend, Becky today.  I found out yesterday that she is a big fan of John Wayne.  Well, I had one of mom's plates that I was going to donate and it was of John Wayne.  Mom simply loved him.  She was a big fan.  So, once I found out that Becky was a fan, I immediately messaged her and asked if she was interested in it.  She said yes.  She has one plate so we were both a bit nervous that it would be a duplicate, but it wasn't!  She doesn't have this one.  We met at Big Boy's near my house and her lovely niece, Paige, was with her.  Paige was going shopping with Becky today.  We had a good time the three of us.  Becky is going to bring me some games for my Nintendo DS Lite.  I love it, but lately I haven't used it because I spend way too much time on face book.  I am working on that.  I waste a lot of time with Face book.  I don't play the games, but I can still spend a lot of time in it.

My headache is a bit better today.  It is not as bad as yesterday, so I think it peaked yesterday.  I am hoping so, otherwise, on Monday I will need to make a doctor appointment.  I don't really want to go to the doctor because of this.  I would rather it take care of itself, although at times it needs a boost.  We just switched my pain pills so that could have something to do it.  They don't seem as strong as darvocet was.  I shall see how the weekend goes.  I have to days to rest and relax.  Kathy, unfortunately, can't come after all.  I am disappointed on that, but I totally understand why she can't come.  So on Sunday, I am heading to Tillie's for lunch.  My uncle, his girlfriend, and their son will be there too along with other cousins unless my head is really bad and then I will stay home.

I talked to Richard today.  The leave the day after Christmas for Maui.  They should have a good time.  I gave him some tips on places to see and go because I was there about 6 to 7 years ago.  I went for a writing conference.  I went a few days early so that I could see a bit of Maui.  I mentioned the snorkeling in the volcano, that was so cool.  I really enjoyed that.  I also told him about the bike ride down the mountain.  I didn't get to do that because I just didn't have time.  He asked about beaches, I told him they don't really have white sand beaches like they are used to because of the volcano lava.  Their beaches are actually black sand.  There was one white sand beach in the town near where they are staying.  I do hope they have a good time even though I really wanted to see them.  He said he would send for me in the summer when the weather is better.  Right now it just rains all the time in Seattle.  I have gone before in the summer and it is beautiful weather.  We shall see if I get to go.  All depends on money, like everything else.

I have to get some gift certificates for his family and then I can officially say I am done with getting presents.  I thought I was done, but since I am not shipping the instruments, I need to get them something else.  I know what I am getting them and will mail the package out on Monday so it will arrive in time for Christmas.

I have the rest of the paperwork needed for the bankruptcy.  I got the info that I thought would be so hard to get.  It wasn't.  It was a piece of cake.  Now I just have to copy the rest of the papers, get up early on Monday and turn then it.  Then I will be done, nothing left to do for that except wait for the attorney to let me know the next step.  I can't wait.  This has been hanging over my head since I lost the store.  So much has changed since August of 2008.  At that point, I was running my music store, taking care of mom, teaching lots of lessons, and now, outside of the lessons, I don't have any of it.  I miss how busy the store was before that summer.  I miss the regular customers, I don't miss the headaches and problems we had,  but I miss being busy all day.  Momma loved the store too.  It did turn out better for us that we didn't have the store as Momma got worse with her disease, but I know we both missed it.  I was able to take very good care of her and I don't know if I could have done that with the store.  I don't teach as many lessons, but I do still teach some.  I have a new one starting in January, that I am excited about.  I do hope that by spring, I will have many more.  I need about 9 more for the new company or 7 more for regular students.  Either way, I need more students for several reasons.  1 for having something fun and meaningful to do and 2 for supplementing my disability.  I am hopeful that God will provide and I try not to worry about it.

Marineland.  It was a great trip.  Momma and I had a great time with their family.  I just wish I had a picture of Momma and the girls.  I finally have a picture of Lily and me.  Her teacher took it when I went to her school for special friends/grandparents day.  We had a great time together.  It will be a great memory for me.

Anyways, this is getting quite long.  I do hope you had a good day.  I had a fun time with Becky and a productive afternoon getting paperwork.  I feel good about what I did today.  I will monitor my headache to see if I need to see the doctor.  I hope you have a wonderful evening!

bad headache day

I have a really bad headache today.  Nothing seems to touch it.  I have had it for 3 days, although today is definitely worse than the other days this week.  I think I am in a flare and stressing out.  This bankruptcy thing has me stressed, although I did find out about the thing that was stressing me.  I am going to take care of that tomorrow and copy the rest of the stuff that needs to be copied.  I shall drop it off and then everything will be in and I will be relieved when it is all taken care of.  I am right on schedule with that stuff, the one I created for myself.  I am just stressing I think over the whole issue because I should have taken care of it when Mom was here and I didn't.  I let my stuff taken a seat back because she needed my attention and when I had time (believe me I had time) I was lazy.  I didn't do a thing when I should have been organizing paperwork and copying paperwork.  I think she would be very disappointed I let stuff slide.  I won't let that happen anymore.  I will be taking care of stuff when it happens from now on.  I have to call the lawyer to find out exactly what I owe, they have me done as paying something I don't remember paying, but hey, you never know!


I don't have much to do today except for the copying of papers.  I think I am going to try to lay down and see if this headache will lessen.  Maybe I will be able to function enough to copy the papers, right now, not happening as I don't think I could concentrate enough on copying the right ones.


I have a boring weekend ahead.  I do hope I have a lesson on Saturday, I really need the distraction and the enjoyment I get from them.  Right now I am bored and that is when the sadness hits the most.  Memories of what I should or shouldn't have done with Mom start to go through my head.  My head starts playing those what if games and I am trying not to do that.  I know that is normal, but I would rather not have to deal with that and only think of good times of Mom.  The grief counselor warned me about this part and I am trying not to do it.


I do hope your day is much better and more eventful (good ones, not bad) than mine.  It is sunny here at least and not as cold as it was.

10 Days Until Christmas

Yup, it is 10 days until the big day.  I have to send my brother his presents because I can't send the cello and the guitar, so I am getting gift certificates instead.  It is just impossible to send them as they cost so much to send.  Unless he sends me the money, which I haven't heard from him yet, I won't be sending them.  I can give them the instruments at any time.  Ooh, be right back, I need to get instruments out of the trunk of the car right now.  There, I am back, it is done.  I will check them over to make sure they are okay in a bit when I move them to the living room before Alyssa's lesson.

I was supposed to have 3 lessons but Dawson's Mom got called in to work out of town and she leaves bright and early tomorrow and her husband is in Chicago, so she wants a make up next week.  Works for me.  We can do a make up at the end of the week if she would like.  He is such a good kid.  Very nice and polite, he is a pretty good piano player too.  I have a new one starting in January for voice, if I haven't already mentioned it.  I am excited about that.  So that would bring the total up of students.  Most of the students are doing pretty well.  The concert went well and everyone did a good job.  The concert was about 45 minutes long and then we had a nice reception in the social hall.  I enjoyed having the concert there.  It was nice and everyone fit beautifully.  We had it at Heather B-T's church as mine is never available these days.  I was thankful it was available for the little Momma's funeral.  Of course, that was in the morning and even church activities don't usually start early Saturday Morning.  The luncheon afterward was really good too.

I have a blood test tomorrow.  I can't forget about it because I sort of forgot about the one 2 weeks ago, oops!  So, yeah, I have to go tomorrow.

I have a new ornament for me tree, a baby grand piano ornament.  It is simply beautiful.  It is sitting on the princess table.  I have to get a tree skirt for the tree, I haven't done that yet.  I keep forgetting to go to the store for it.  I will do that tomorrow then.  I want to get a few more ornaments to paint too.  I find painting very soothing and relaxing.  I hope they are on sale.  I want to get a new box too to paint.  I want to put my hair ties in it as I don't have any drawers in the bathroom for stuff like that.  I can make the boxes waterproof too so that is good, but one for my hair clips and ties would be good.  I want one for my make-up too.  I do actually have make up, I just don't wear it too much anymore.  When I go out somewhere nice I usually put some on.  When Richard took me to dinner I put a bit on.  Big brother doesn't like it though when I wear a lot, it is kind of funny but that is what big brothers are all about.

I am cooking a beef roast in the crock pot.  It should be done by the time Alyssa's lesson is over.  I thought it would be done by now, but I forgot to plug it in when I first put it in.  How silly can a person be?  Obviously, very silly.

Overall, a pretty good day.  I have a bad headache today, but it isn't as bad as it can get.  Everything else is normal pain level.  It is a bit sunny here so it seems warmer than it is.  I think I am used to the weather now, when I went to get the instruments, I didn't put a coat on, I just ran (well, walked fast) outside and grabbed them.  I should have uncovered the trunk first but I did.  Oh well,   It will be okay.  I can take care of that later.

I do hope this finds you doing well!

a few pictures of the family

here is Mom, Andrew and I when were about 4 and 5 camping in Algonquin Park in Ontario.  A very wonderful trip.  I remember it being so much fun.  We went on hikes, swam, and played at the playground.  I think it was the first camping trip we went to without Dad.  Richard is taking the photo.

The above picture is Richard, Me, and Mom at Christmas 1992.

Mom and I in Mexico in 2003.  We had so much fun on that cruise.  I went to a writer's course and since I had to paid for the room anyways, I asked mom if she wanted to go with me.  Might as well, the way I looked at it.  So we went together and had a blast.  We really had fun on all the vacations we went together on.

My  cousins, Justice and Samantha with Mom and I camping.  I used to love camping, I actually  want a camper and travel across the US and Canada full time and write, but for now it is a dream that might happen someday.  One never knows though!

The top one of this set in Mom with Abby in 2001, Abby was about 2 years old.  It is one of my favorites of her.  The middle one is my favorite picture of Mom.  It was taken in Disney World on Tom Sawyers Island.  It was a great trip.  The bottom one is of me and Mom somewhere in 1973.  I am not sure where we are, but I remember the little boat behind us.  I loved riding it in the water.  Mom always picked the best stuff for us.  For Christmas, she pretty much picked stuff we all loved.  Rarely, did we get something we didn't like.  I can't remember a time I got stuff that I didn't like.  I remember one time, I was just getting up on a Saturday and heard her in the garage.  So I opened the door to ask if she wanted pancakes.  She yelled at me to shut that door before I got sick.  I remember thinking, what a crab, see if I ever offer pancakes again.  Well, come Christmas morning I opened my presents and there was the bookshelves that I really wanted.  It was the only things I wanted.  Mom was laughing, she was like, why are you pretending to be surprised.  You already knew you were getting them.  I gave her a look.  Apparently the day I opened the garage door, a book shelve was sitting on the top of the car and the other one was leaning near the attic door where she was going to hide it.  I told her the truth.  I didn't see them, I really didn't.  It totally explained why she was really yelling at me that morning.

Here are some more of Mom in the later years.

top one in this set is Mom and I at Kathy's wedding.  I was so excited for her.  I think I was more excited that she was as she was more relieved that it was over and on to the honeymoon.  The second one is Mom, me, and Andrew at my confirmation in 6th grade.  The next one is my friends, Donna, Julie, with Mom and I on my birthday in 1993 or 1992, I am not sure which one.  The bottom in at Niagara Falls Flower Clock.  Mom and I went to Niagara Falls with the Emerton family and had a great time.  Lily was about 6 at the time so that means it was about 2004.  It was a great trip.  

I do hope to have more pictures scanned this weekend.  I am probably going to work with them on Saturday and Friday.  We shall see what the day brings.  I don't know if I have any lessons this weekend or not, but I do know Kathy is coming to see me.

a Much Better Day

It is a better day around here, despite the 50 below weather and the icy roads.  Not quite as happy as Lily is, she has had 2 days without school, so she is a bit excited about it.  I just read her blog post and boy is she a happy camper.  Almost all of the schools are closed again today.  I think part of it is because of the snow but the other part would be the cold.  I vaguely remember in 9th grade we got a few snow days because it was just so cold with the wind chill.  Either way, it is very cold out today.  I will stir tomorrow to get my medicine (okay, I won't have a choice, as I won't have any pain pills for tomorrow).  Thursday or Friday I need to go to Windsor and pick up some stuff.  I am hoping the weather improves and it gets a bit warmer.  The wind is very cold but it isn't too windy right now.  Of course, I am all nice and snug in the house keeping warm and this is where I plan to stay!!!

I am planning on getting the stuff together that I have to copy so that it is all in one place and I can copy it this week.  I have to go to the Oakland County Deed of Records or something like that because I need a copy of the store's deed that went into foreclosure.  Yuck, lucky me.  I get to figure out where that is and how to do it.  I imagine it costs money on top of it all.  These things always do.  I hope to get the copy right away.  I just don't know where to go or how to do it yet.  I will be checking into that this afternoon.  I am sure I will find info on the web.

I am making a cornish hen in the crock pot today.  Smells simply delicious.  It is making me a bit hungry although I just ate lunch!  What can I say?  It smells so yummy.

NCIS tonight is a holiday themed one according the their post on face book.  The previews for last week showed it too.  I love NCIS.  It is a great show.  NCIS Los Angeles is good too, but the original is the best.  i remember when it first came out during JAG, I refused to watch it but Andrew kept saying it's good you'll like it.  He was right.  I had to buy the first season to see them all.  I have the first 5 seasons on DVD, I don't have the last one because I have seen most of them on TV and USA channel always has reruns so I can catch up that way too.  I have to be careful for what I buy as I don't have a lot of spending money anymore like I did when I had the store.  I have learned to be thriftier than I was.  I still don't have it down pat like some I know, I want to live more simpler and not have gobs of stuff, but yet, I can't seem to get rid of the stuff I have so I compromise and not buy a lot more stuff.  I buy a few things here and there when I need them, but I don't routinely shop.  I don't particularly care for shopping to begin with.

I need to get some wrapping paper by next week so that I can wrap Kathy's kids presents.  I don't have any in the house so I can't do it right now.  Later this week I will go and get some from the store and take care of that issue.  I love wrapping presents for some reason, I don't really know why.  I used to wrap mom's near the end too because she had trouble with it.  I didn't mind helping her.

It is a regular type pain day outside of a bit higher headache than usual.  I think a nap will fix that.  I do hope this finds you doing well and staying warm!  I hear it is raining a lot more in some places too.  Ugh, rain can be cold and cause pain. Have a great afternoon.

Who let winter in?

It is super cold out today.  I went out earlier today to the Hospice office.  I had a meeting with Delphine, the Grief Counselor.  I haven't been able to make any of the support groups stuff because it is usually at night when I am teaching.  I wanted to meet with her because I wanted to know if there was something else I should be doing.  Apparently I am grieving normally, contrary to certain relatives opinions, I am doing just fine which is what most people say when the see me.  I did cry a bit in the meeting, we met for 1 1/2 hours.  It was nice to learn that what I was doing was healthy and it is different for each person.  I do have a personal journal that no one but me reads, that I write in almost daily.  There is where I often ask the most often question of why.  My head knows that mom is much better off, but my head also knows that I am not better off.  Mom and I were a team and no the team is no more.  It was nice to talk to someone about some of the stuff I am feeling and thinking and learning ways to make me go through the process more.  We are going to meet again in January.  There are days where I don't feel I am adjusting to life on my own as well as I want.  I miss her all the time, which is to be expected as we were together most of the time.  I have some guilt issues that I need to let go.  I am not very good at things like that.  I think back to the times I was short with her, or thinking not so nice thoughts, then there was the time I swore at her (I don't use words like that pretty much ever, but that day I did and it was a doozy of a word).  I should have been more patient with her, but I wasn't.  I called her mean and then I swore at her.  First time I have ever sworn at my mother (outside of the time when I was 8 and said the "s" word to her about food).  I need to let those things go and I am working on it.  Okay, everyone else thinks it is pretty funny that I swore a really bad word at her, but I just don't find it funny.  One person said she didn't even know I knew those words or how to use them.  Of course I have heard them before, I just choose not to use them.

Overall, it has been a huge pain day and a big tear day.  Pain level is pretty high, partly due to the crying a lot, and the rest due to the fact it is so cold here today.  It is like freezing!  I think with the wind chill, it has got to be single digits or lower.  It is just super cold old.  I, of course, have the little heater on and that is helping.  It blows warm air but not too hot, which is good.  It is just right.  I have moved it a little closer to me than the kitchen counter because I couldn't really feel it when it was on the counter, now I can.

We are having a snow day today, so all the little ones are at home.  The roads are a bit icy, you must drive carefully, but that is too be expected with this time of year.  Bob has rescheduled to Wednesday, which works for me, and the B-T children will be here regular time.  I am glad about that.  I need some distraction with this pain and with the sadness today.

Overall, I would have to say today is not one of my best days.  I have been crying on and off all day, since I went to the meeting, and I ache all over.  I do hope your day is much better than mine, it is just not my day.  I plan to go to bed early and be done with it as soon as I possible can, I only hope tomorrow is a better day overall.  I don't like all this pain and sadness that I am feeling today.

concert day

It is the Christmas Concert today.  Already 1 has cancelled due to weather, I am hoping no more.  Alyssa was going to come and watch the concert but her sister is ill.  She also was participating in the secret Santa. Hannah and Lydia will get their presents next week when Aggie comes home for the holidays.  She and I will go and get the girls and take them to tea or something like that.  I am sure they would like that.  I do hope the weather doesn't get worse and make others cancel.  That would be a drag.  I am a bit sad about today, but as Tia pointed out earlier, Mom will be there in spirit.  Just a missing mom day, I think so far.

I slept better last night.  I didn't wake up until after 5 am so that was good.  I think I went to bed about midnight.  I could, of course, go to sleep right now, but it is not time for a nap, or is it?  Maybe I will lay down for about an hour.  I do have some time before the concert and I am really tired this morning.  More later.

The concert went well.  All the students did a great job.  We had a good time at the reception afterward.  One student was like, oh no, I forgot cookies!  I told her not to worry about it as I had brought enough for 2 people to bring.  I am glad it is over as now it is time to work on competition stuff.  Katie has some decisions to make as far as what categories she is going to do.  I will help her with the songs.  Rachel pretty much has most of her music and Rebecca has a good start.  Just have to have Dawson decide if he wants to go, and same with Calli and Acer other than that we are good to go.  hard to believe it is time to think about competition again.

I got a new student through the new company.  I am rather excited about it.  She begins on January 8 at 1 pm.  She is 12 years old, perfect for starting to sing.  I am so glad that it is starting to get better.  I do hope it is a sign of good things to come.

I am going to Kathy's for opening of presents on Christmas Eve after church.  I will bring my presents that I got from Richard and the ones I got for her children and we will all open presents together.  How exciting.  Kathy and I will be able to spend a lot of time together this holiday.  The only change would be if Richard comes to town, which is highly unlikely but one never knows.  I think at this point I am just being wishful thinking.  I just miss him, that is all.  I haven't seen those children for 2 1/2 years, which is a lot for growing children.  I wonder how much they remember me?  They are a bit older now 9 & 11, which means they were only 7 & 9 when I last saw them, but still, how well do they remember me.  I don't know how much they remember Mom either and now they won't ever see her again.  I hope that Richard will help them know a bit more about Mom by showing pictures of her and telling stories of some of the fun times we had.  I hope Richard remembers them.  I sure do.

It has been a good day today despite the fact it was the first concert Mom ever missed.  We dedicated a song at the end to her.  I am sure she liked it, it was We Wish You a Merry Christmas.  She loved that song a lot.  It was one of her favorites.  I hope that today finds you doing well  and safe from this terrible snow!

Happy Saturday

It is book club day, so that makes me smile.  I also called Julie last night to see if I could borrow Lily to make cookies for the concert tomorrow so Lily is coming after book club.  How cool is that?  I am pretty excited about it.  I have the program for the concert finished.  I just need to print 10 more copies and it will be finished.  This will be the first concert ever that Mom hasn't been to.  She has been to all of mine since I started teaching, so tomorrow will be a bittersweet day.  It has been hard getting ready for the concert because she isn't here.  Until last year, she helped me with everything, getting the program together, bringing cookies or whatever we were bringing to the reception, assisting me with checking in students, just whatever I needed she was there.  I often wonder what she is doing in Heaven, how is she doing, is she missing me, or watching me?  I don't know since I have never been to Heaven.

We haven't had book club since September.  We had to cancel October and I haven't felt up to having one until now.  It will be nice to see Maggie and chat.  We chat about the book and so many other things.  I don't mind that Aggie won't be here this time.  Katie is so overwhelmed with school that she had to drop out.  I don't mind it being a small one though.  My friend, Stacey might join in the new year.  I have presents to wrap today too.  I have to wrap the students presents, Donna's, Sammy's, and Lily's.  I hope we have wrapping left because I didn't pick any up.  I shall find out today that is for sure.  We are expecting snow and rain tomorrow.  I, of course, am hoping for more of the rain than the snow, unless it is just flurries, because it will be warmer.  I have been so cold this season already and my joints are achy.  I know many of my friends are feeling the same way.  It was a bit sunny yesterday and today so that was nice.  I do like waking up to a light blanket of snow this time of year, I am not talking 6 ft worth or anything, just a nice very light covering.  The type that melt in the sun and by nighttime is gone.

Pain wise, it has been a bit more because of the cold.  I expect it every year.  My hands are a bit achy today, which is nothing unusual for this weather.  My new hoodies are warmer than the other 2 I bought.

I have good news!  I almost forgot!  I have lowered my car insurance, same coverage, but with a new company.  I have it with the same company that did the house insurance and I save $80 a month now.  Talk about very cool.  As my income is very small these days, every little bit helps.  It took both Mom and I pooling our money to pay all the bills so any time I can lower something is good.  Teaching helps, but it doesn't replace Mom's social security, nothing does.  I have put that into God's hands though and he will show me the way.  I am okay for a few months and I do have back up plans.  I just miss Mom in so many ways at times.  This is just another one.

2 weeks until Christmas.  I am as ready as I will ever be.  I have plans for the holiday which will be difficult with being the first one without her.  I know that the last few years she wasn't herself with the Alzheimer's but she was still mom underneath all that horrible disease.  She really was.  Mom really loved opening up her presents last year too.  So she could still enjoy things, she was just not quite the Mom I knew years before.  I miss both the Mom she was and the Mom she became.  She still knew she was my mother, even at the end, she knew.

Kimberly is coming to town and so is Annie!  I can't wait to see both those girls.  It seems like forever.

Well, we sort of had book club today, Maggie and I went out to lunch instead.  Boy was it yummy!!!!  We went to my favorite, the Olive Garden.  We both got something new along with the really good soup.  It had shrimp and lobster on it with stuffed type of pasta.  Very yummy to the tummy.

Lily should be here shortly.  Can't wait for that.  She is coming to make the cookies.  I just have to go and finish clearing the kitchen.

I am pretty tired today.  I have a hard time sleeping between 2 and 5 am pretty much every night right now.  I am so afraid at that hour of the night.  I know it isn't too rational, but I am afraid when I am alone.  I am hoping this lifts rather soon as my sleep is crazy enough, I don't need to add this to it.

Anyways, I hope your day is good.  Mine has been so far.

projects in the making

I just read a blog that has gotten me thinking.  I can feel the wheels a turnin' in my head.  You see, I have been missing mom so much today.  It is just one of those days where I miss her so much and my chest hurts from it.  Well, I read a blog I regularly read and she is a wonderful woman who's passion in the orphan.  She has 4 biological children and 6 adopted children who were orphans.  When I was in my early 30s, Mom and I sat down and had a deep discussion about how I wanted children.  I wanted to be a mom so badly.  It had been a dream for so many years.  I wanted to be a mom.  The thing is, I wanted to adopt all my children so we were discussing about how to begin this process of me adopting a child.  I knew there would be waiting lists and I knew each country had their own rules and regulations, but that was okay.  We were embarking on a new adventure and Mom was in the thick of it with me.  It didn't appear that I would be getting married anytime soon.  My illnesses were under control and the pain level was tolerable plus back then, I could walk for miles without a problem.  So I got ready to contact the people, we chose the agency, we chose the country and we were getting ready for the paperwork and inspections and all those type things, when, wham!  I got hit with the vasculitis.  The vasculitis did eventually leave my body, but it aggravated the Fibro to intolerable pain and out of control symptoms, plus, I could no longer walk well.  Let me just say, that vasculitis had pretty much killed my dream of adoption because nobody in their right mind would possibly pass me for any type of inspection, I was too sick.  Then I got the blood clot.  Well, that finished off my dream because I was told by the doctor, there is no possible way I could ever carry a baby full term.  Now, this really upset me, although since I always wanted to adopt it puzzled me, but at that point all roads closed.  I am glad now that we didn't adopt any children because I am not healthy enough to take care of them and Mom got sick too and she needed care.  Even adopting an older child would be doing a disservice to them.  I can't be the kind of mom I wanted to be.  However, this wonderful woman is starting a ministry to help raise money to help other families adopt orphans from around the world.  Well, that I can help with and even though I can't have the children myself, they still are deserving a home and parents as well.  I am waiting to hear more of her ministry.  I don't know if she is going to partner with an already formed group or start her own, either way, I have crafts that I can donate and some that need to be finished that can be donated for selling.  Just a wonderful way to still help children that need a forever home.  Even when one dream ends, God sends another in its place.  I honestly feel that if I had the family I wanted, I wouldn't have been able to take care of Mom as well as she needed.  Because I didn't have other responsibilities I could focus on Mom who so needed me.  He had a plan all the time I was disappointed, I just didn't know what it was at that point just like right now I don't know his plan, but I am praying he reveals it too me soon.  i am anxiously awaiting my new purpose in life because right now, I don't feel I have one.  My purposes are gone at this moment, but I know there has to be one soon.

Like I said, until I read that I was having a sad day.  These, I have noticed, tend to come on days I don't have much planned to do.  I don't know if that is the problem, but I do know I have too much time on my hands some days and that sets my mind wondering towards missing Mom.  I do have some things I need to do by the end of next week but today the pain level is a bit high so I am not working too hard on them.  I did go to the secretary of state and fix my title, and to cancel Mom's state ID card.  That is finally finished.  I just have to copy a few more papers and then turn them in and poof!  My bankruptcy stuff will be finished outside of paying the actual fee.  They will let me know when that time is.  I plan to have the stuff copied by Wednesday so that Thursday I can drop them off.

I plan to bake some slice and bake cookies tonight for the concert on Sunday.  I will also be making the program tonight or tomorrow.  I just can't seem to remember what everyone is playing so I will have to face book a few people and make a few calls asking.  What can I say?  I forgot to write them down.  I don't have the teaching notebook I used to have when I had a lot of students.  I do need to get one for next year so I don't forget as much as I have been.  It hasn't gotten to the point of students noticing, but as I am hoping for more students, it could get to that point and I don't want it too.



2 weeks until Christmas.  I have all the presents bought now.  I ended up buying my students their gifts as I was unable to make them anything this year.  Maybe next year I will be able to make them something.  Just was really unable to do anything for the entire month of November, December is much better.  I still feel like I am walking in mud a lot, although the tears have slowed down.  The ache inside isn't as overwhelming most of the time.  It was this morning until I read the post and it made me realize how lucky I was to have a Mom like mine.  So many children don't have any moms or dads and that is just awful.  At least I had a great Mom, and she was.  I think all of you would have loved her too.  She simply was the best in the world.  To me, she was everything and my best pal.  We did everything together.  yes, I spent time with my friends too, but we had fun when we were together.  The post made me again realize how lucky we really were to have her as a mom and not a different person.  Not everyone is as lucky as I was and that makes me sad too because they don't have the mom I had.  Some of these orphans live on the street, I can't even imagine that.  So I am hoping this new idea my blogging friend has, will help many of them find forever families.

The day has improved since I first got up and went to the secretary of state by myself for the first time.  I do hope yours is going well and that your weekend will be good too.  I hope the pain level goes down, it is a bit high, oh shoot, I just remembered, I forgot to take my morning pain pill, could explain why the pain is so high!  Silly me!  I hope your pain, if you have any, is not high today.