It's a Wonderful Life

 I know that sounds super weird to say and quite unexpected from a woman who has a lot of chronic issues UT it is true. Yes, the physical pain, constant fatigue, and brain fog that never quits, are always there. One thing I have noticed that I didn't notice when I was healthy, was the beauty of the world around me. I was too busy doing things that would make my future better and missed out on the here and now. I don't anymore. When I first got sick, I couldnt see anything but my pain.  It took a few years to be able to see past the pain and fatigue so I could we the here and now.  Like so many, I didn't get diagnosed until 2004.  At that point I had many ups and downs with flares. When I got Vasculitis in March of 2003, things got worse. I got a horrific headache that I never dreamed that 18 years would go by and I would still have that headache, every day, all day, from the moment I wake to the moment I fall asleep. It doesn't end.  Somehow, and it is unusual, the vasculitis went into remission and I haven't had a reoccurance since. Because we went to the Cleveland clinic, we did Gey confirmation that yes the vascuitis was in remission. Then I said those brave words, then what is it??  After some questions and some trigger point examination, the conclusion was fibromyalgia. My mother and I just looked at each other and cried. Literally cried. It had a name. I wasn't faking it or being lazy. There really was something wrong with me. We went home with much lighter hearts then when we arrived. 

After the initial diagnosis, I read as much as I could about fibromyalgia. A friend of mine also has it.  So much of how my health was made sense when I read it. This made me feel we relieved.  

Through all of this, I was teaching my music lessons. Unless I was seriously feeling really really sick, I taught anyway. This wasn't too different from before we got the diagnose. I love teaching. It is really hard to be sad or upset and teach. First of all, most of the time, the student is happy to see you. Secondly, you are teaching a subject you eat sleep and breathe. Now all my study cents are individual lessons. Third, your student does not Ned to know why you are sad or upset 99% of the time.  Generally it is completely inappropriate to discuss those things. And lastly, if you continue to have a mopy of not a great attitude while you are teaching, you will not keep your students very long. 

At this point in my life I am unable to teach fulltime. Yes it saddens me to a point but I can still teach some. I an happy about that. The students that I have right now are really wonderful. There isn't one that is being forced to play or sing. That is important.  

The one thing that makes me smile and smile every single day is my dog Peony.  She is the light of my life.  I can't even imagine life without here.  She is super sweet and so loving.  With these things in my life, how can it be anything other than wonderful?

Musing on a Friday

 I am gathering everything I need for the dreaded taxes.  As someone who works very parttime and is a subcontractor, I have to save all relevant receipts during the year.  My  current issue is I bought music through Amazon and now I need the proof of purchase type thing.  I will be figuring it out shortly.  I want to turn my  stuff in really early this year.  I have been doing better.  I used to have to always send in an extension request  because I didn't gather the stuff in time.  I am trying to have everything ready so when the last thing I expect comes in, off I go to drop off my stuff.  

Online lessons have definitely turned out to be such a good thing.  I am staying online for now until the virus is under control and it is safe to go back to in person.  I have a feeling that several are going to want to stay online though.  It would be fine with me.  Whichever works for them works for me.  I am not picky.  I have two more lessons tonight.  My best friend's daughters.  They are doing very well.  We are getting ready for competition next month.  They are singing two songs each.  There aren't any ensembles this year because it is a virtual competition.  Next year will go back to in person.  It is definitely not safe yet.  

Peony has decided she doesn't like any other dog near me when she is around today.  She growled at Valerian.  I haven't  figured out how to get her to stop being jealous.  I don't know if it is even possible to get that trained out of her.  I have no idea.  I have looked but no such luck so far.  Peony had been not using her back left leg so I took her to the vet.  He subscribed her a med and them she was better.  She is doing that again.  It is not as bad as before so that is good.  We are keeping an eye on it.  That seems to be the thing to do right now.  It isn't everyday or all day, just once in a while.  The vet thinks she may have pulled a muscle in her leg.  It is possible.   

I finally get to see the specialist who will be the one to put  the pacemaker  in my stomach to help it digest properly.  I have been waiting for so long.  I am so glad I finally get to see them.  I have to arrive 15 minutes early as usual for seeing a new doctor.  My gastro doctor did send all my records over to them, so I am sure these are just the insurance type forms and stuff like that.  No big deal  It is about an hour away.  I don't care.  They are the only place who does this around here.  I will drive that hour each way that is for sure.  It will definitely be worth it.  I am anxious to be getting the show on the road.

I also decided that I needed to start working with a therapist for anxiety and food.  I really need the help.  My anxiety is ridiculously high and food, well, I have had issues with food since I was a teen.  I am not doing any bulimia symptoms or anything, but binge eating is bad.  It isn't every day but it happens.  It is horrible and needs to stop.  I need help with stopping.  I can't do it myself.  I have finally admitted it to myself.  I can't.  I started last week with the intake session and next week is the first real session.  I am very anxious about this because well, that is me.  Anxious girl.  I figure if I can get the binging on food in control, I will be able to lose weight and then not eat what bothers my pain level!!!  Won't that be nice?  I thought so too.

That's all for now.  I hope everyone is doing well.  

mid January Already???

 Time goes so fast these days.  I just got home from watching my friend's teens.  Yeah, watch.  I barely saw them except at meal time.  They are off doing their school work or on the computer or just hanging out with their prairie dogs.  Yes, they have two prairie dogs.  They are adorable.  Simply adorable.  Not as cute as Peony, of course, but cute.  Peony still rules for me.  I got a nice long snuggle with Peony today when I came home.  Such a nice hello to come home too.  I did have to go and pick up some meds though.  Wow, can I tell I am back in stage one of medicare.  It was really expensive.  Super expensive.  I about choked.  I am glad to be home. 

I must say though, I am aching all over today.  More than usual.  Normally my meds take the edge off so I can function for the day.  Today, I am just very very very very sore.  I did get two big blisters and two small blisters from the original chair I was sitting on.  I did find this out the first night.  I switched chairs.  It helped some and I found the foot stool I usually use,  That helped a lot.  I haven't felt great since Monday.  Like I said, I am glad to be home.  I need to check out the blisters.  Seriously, who gets these but me??  Crazy things.  

Not too much going on for the rest of the night or weekend for that matter.  Just hanging out and resting, mostly resting.  That will be my main priority, resting.  I need to get recharged for the week ahead.  I started therapy this past week.  It will be interesting that is for sure.  I do hope it will help.  

I need to put some pictures of Peony on this computer.  I don't have any.  She is my best model.  The teens don't want their pictures taken anymore so I can't take their pictures.  Peony never complains when I take her pictures!!!!!!  

First of December

 It is hard to believe that the year is almost to the end.  2020 has been the worst year with the pandemic.  I have learned some things this year.  I learned how to teach online.  That was new to me.  It started off with just Samantha and Alicia.  I was learning a lot.  Then, bam!!!!  All lessons had to be done online.  Yup.  No one in and no one out.  That was so hard at first.  I did okay though as I got used to it.  I started going to a chiropractor in February to see if he could help my headaches.  He has helped some.  The everyday headache is not gone.  I wonder if it ever will.  I finally will have an appointment with a doctor that I have been waiting for since July.  Apparently, my doctor office had the wrong number.  It happens.  I am to call back in a few days.  You know I will.  I am hoping that I will be approved to be getting a pacemaker in my stomach so I may not be nauseated 24/7.  It is awful.  Simply awful.  I take two antinausea meds to conquer this and I still get a lot of nausea.  It will regulate the emptying of my stomach.  That is what my doctor thinks will help the most.  All the rest of my stuff is the same.  I continue to try to live within its boundaries.  I try not to overdue it.

Peony continues to be the joy of my life.  She is such a good dog, a good companion.  When the pain day is high she really is a Godsent.  She seems to know when I feel a lot of pain.  Especially with a bad headache.  

I will put up the little three foot tree up in the living room again this year.  It didn't go up for some reason last year.  I don't know why.  I just don't know.  I need to have Sammy here to help me organize this room better.   It is so unorganized because I need so much music for teaching during the week.  I have two really tall piles of music.  It is crazy.  Just crazy.  

I just have two students today.  Starting next week, one of my Monday students is moving to Tuesday.  It will work out somehow.  It always does.  The ones I have today are two cute little boys.  Their mom and I have been friends since we were teens.  We met in ballet class.  We are both still friends with our first ballet teacher too.  It is neat.  I love facebook for that reason.  I have reconnected to many different people.  People from high school, dance, college, it is just really nice to see how they are doing now.  I am very thankful for the dance studio I went to.  Never once did Karen, the owner and main dance teacher, ever make me feel unwelcomed or I was too fat to dance, her opinion was, you want to learn to dance, I will teach you to dance and I learned.  I loved dance so much.  I was always the biggest one in the class but no one ever made fun of me or bullied me, not like at school.  This was so nice.  Debbie, my first ballet dance teacher really made me feel like I could do anything.  She was so encouraging.  I learned a lot from her as to how I teach.  It isn't that I don't correct my students, I do, it is how you do it.  I had a voice teacher at WSU who constantly belittled me, put me down, called my untalented,  I cried through my voice lessons.  I finally had to have a friend come with me because he was so mean.  Then he was gone for eight weeks.  We had a sub for six weeks.  What a difference in teaching styles.  First off, this man was nice.  He also said he couldn't understand how someone could call my untalented.  He said I was very talented and he wanted me for his choice, bel canto singers.  Unfortunately, my schedule wouldn't allow me to be in it.  I learned so much from him.  He taught me two pieces he wanted me to sing for my jury.  That is a performance exam.  The exam my teacher was not allowed to be in because of his bad behavior towards me.  When my teacher came back, I said the words that the sub teacher told me to say to him when he started to bully me.  It was hard but I did.  There wasn't much time left of the school year.  I really only went to the teacher I was supposed to because I had to.  I went to the sub teacher because I wanted to learn.  He actually taught me those songs.  I got an A on my jury.  One of the teachers asked about how I did this semester.  I told the truth about the sub and the teacher.  I wasn't surprised that the teacher's contract wasn't renewed.  I had finished my four semesters of voice lessons.  I then started taking from Carolyn Grimes.  She was lovely.  I learned so much from her.  Oh my.  My voice really matured when I had her as a teacher.  She was just an amazing person.  I also learned how to teach from her.  I learned how to create lesson plans from my mother and then how to correct students and how to keep their enthusiasm from 
Debbie and Carolyn.  

End of October

 I received a text from a friend to go look on facebook.  I did and then I had to ask where to look.  A friend from High School had passed away from colon cancer.  She and I were not friends in High School but were as adults.  It is horribly sad.  I feel so sad for her family.  Makes you really realize that you don't know from one day to the next what will happen.  Sometime in the next few days the arrangements will be made.  Since it is covid, I will not plan on attending so she can have more of her family attend.  With covid, you have to think of these things now.  

November is just around the corner and with that is the election that I cannot wait to be over.  The absolute hatred that is going on is amazing to me.  What happened to human kindness?  Respecting each other's opinion?  Not anymore.  Now it is more of a you are wrong and I will hate you.  Media of course is lapping this up.  The politicians aren't helping either.  It feels so different from the last two presidential elections.  This is more out of control.  People are just out of control.  It is so unbelievable to me.  I can't wait for it to end.

Tuesday I start the first of the wrappings for the lymphedema on my legs.  We are starting with the right calf.  It is huge.  Simply huge.  I wore the hideous shoes yesterday and will wear them again today.  They are very heavy.  very very heavy.  When I walked upstairs, my hips, lower back, and left knee hurt.  I am skeptical about this now.  I will give it a go though.  I won't know unless I give it a good go.  The huge box will come with me.  She said to use my walker so I will.  

Tomorrow I get my flu shot.  I get it every year.  I have for many years now.  I get it at 9;30 am.  yup.  Nice and early.  I will so come home and sleep.  I also have a rheumatologist appointment at 1:30.  They have moved so I will need to plug in the address to waze to get directions.  I do hope she is on time more than she used to be.  At one time she was, then she wasn't.  

I bought Peony winter socks.  She wouldn't let me put them on her.  She kept pulling her cute little paw away.  She was basically saying no no no.  A thousand times no!!!!  She loves going on walks and has lost a lot of the excess weight so this would make it easier for her to walk when it is colder out.  No, not my dog, she says no.  I will not wear them.  Too bad human!!!!!

 In some ways this year has been faster than last year, in other ways it is crawling by.  COVID still has us by the neck.  Some of us are not allowed in the stores yet.  I am on of them.  I am very high risk with my chronic stuff going on.  I don't mind, if I need music, I just call Annie at her store and she orders it,  When it comes in, she brings it out to me.  It works.  I have most of my students.  I really only lost one and she was brand new to begin anyway.  I do enjoy teaching online.  I love seeing the kids too.  Right now all but 6 are online.  

Fall has arrived.  The temps were beautiful for about a week.  It's a little too chilly right now, mainly because it is raining out,  Always feels cooler when it rains.

Christmas Recital will be very different this year.  I am not sure how this will happen but B says it will////////////////////!  We are going to put on a Zoom Recital this year.

Competition will also be virtual.  New ways to do the old things.  I am teaching through the internet.  Before COVID, who would have thought??  Not me?  I was told several years also that I should look into this teaching online idea.  ICOVID, maybe manners, how important family is.  I don't know.  I shall try to look anything new right in the eye and with a very timid and very scared voice ask how do I do this:?  

Covid 19 Musings

We have been in quarantine for four months. Our State has opened up some. Not everything just some.  I am teaching online. That is a huge change for me. I now have four students who have come back to in person lessons but the majority are online still and will be for a while.  I was luckier than most in that I didn't totally lose my income.  

For the past few months I have been living out a dream.  I have recently been in contact with my sister.  It is a beautiful word. She lives across the ocean from me.  She is from my dad's first marriage and me and my brothers are from the second marriage.  We have had lovely chat.on messenger.  It is so nice to speak with her.  I look forward to many more.

My left knee has been in a fibro flare from hell for several days now.  I have tried cbd cream. It has helped some.  I can't put it on with Peony here as she licks it off.  Yes, it is like, really I need that more than you do.  I will wait until she goes to bed.  On another health front, I will be getting a gastric pacemaker.  I have gastroparisis.  My stomach doesn't digest like it is supposed to.  It takes a really long time to empty.  This will improve this function.  I am waiting on a date for the consoltation.  I hope to.hear from the.hospital soon.

That is about it.  I will leave you with a picture of the adorable one.  Peony

Night before my birthday musings

Tomorrow is 52nd birthday.  It seems weird to me to be this old.  I don't feel different except physically where everything is falling apart. It is a different birthday as we are all quarantined. We can go to get grocies, meds, and doctors.  That is about it.  All my lessons are online.  My students and I often went to get ice cream for my birthday.  I believe we will have cake.  Bill said he will see what he can do.  We are all getting alone for all six of us being home. 

My pain hasn't been horribly bad not has my nausea.  I have been going to a chiropractor.  I have finally found one that didn't flinch when I told him about the hardware attached to my spine. At the first evaluation, he checked my neck and thinks that my daily headache that I have had for 17years is from my neck issue.  He has been working on my neck and adjusting it.  I am pleased with the results.  It hasn't helped the head much but if has helped some of the back issues.

I have, unfortunately, added a new diagnose, cyclical vomiting syndrome.   I now take two anti nausea meds.  One is there times a day and yes, I have to wake up in the middle of the night to take.  The other is twice a day. Despite this new issue, I have in the last year gained 35 pounds of the 70 I had lost.  Party of it was a med.  If you are on protonix for a lo g time you can gain weight, however the majority is due to cookies and bad food choices.  I have improved upon that now.

Peony is doing so good as usual.  She is looking super cute.  I never knew I could love a dog so much. First there was Maisy and now there is Peony.

Change profile picture

Does anyone know how to change the profile picture on the blog?????

Reading a good book

I love to read. It took a long time to learn how and once I did, I never stopped. One of my favorite authors is Kay Bratt.  She writes simply delish books.  Every one I have read has been wonderful.  The newest one is called True to Me.  It is a journey of self discovery for the main character, Quinn.  She goes to find out about her mother and discovers herself along the way  I found it a magical journey of hope.  It was beautiful from beginning to end.  I wish I had the words to describe exactly how I felt reading it.  With fibro, like so many of us, it is so hard to concentrate. I did not have this issue with this book. I know, can you imagine??  Being able to focus on a book??  It was that captivating.

A new kindle

I have a nook for reading. It is the nook color.  I just love it.  I now have a kindle fire seven.  I can do so much on it. It is like a computer to me.  I am quite happy with it. 

I went to see the Ellers this past week.  I do so enjoy my time there with the kids.  Hayden had his birthday on Monday. He is now 15.  They grow so fast.  When I came home it appeared that I didn't get the explosive tummy like I have gotten every single time I spend more than a day there.  However, I got a mild case Thursday night.   I was most unhappy.  At least this time was mild. 

My cousin, Danyelle, is getting married in March.  I am so happy for her.  She is very nice.  She is the one I am giving the family locket to.  She is very sentimental so I am glad.  I don't think it is worth much money but it is from my mom who got it from her grandmother who got it from her brother in her 16th birthday.  There are a multitude of reasons why she is getting it over others.  I won't go through that here.

Pairwise these last few weeks have sucks.  My lower back especially.  I don't know what is up but it can disappear any time now.  If I am mindful of how much I stand and where I sit, it isn't so bad.  If I am not well, let's just say I am reminded to pay more attention.

I have been trying something new for anxiety.  Hypnotherapy. My friend is a therapist.   I have had one session.  She recorded a session for me to listen to. I have listened to it three times already.  I slept better last night  than I have in a long time.  I think maybe it will help.  I will keep you posted.

More Peony cuteness.