For the last couple of months I have really missed my mother. It has been just slightly over 15 years since I have hugged, spoke, kissed, or seen my Mother. There is so much I want to tell her! The biggest thing is the closure of not having my father in my life for most of my life. There are so many reasons my mom was such a good mom, this is just another, after my parents were divorced, my mother made a decision to not say anything negative about our father or our stepmother. She said we needed to have our own options without any influence from her. That had to be so difficult as it was not an amicable divorce. The amazing thing is, she never did say anything bad about either one even when us three were adults. I asked Mom once if knowing what she knew at that moment, if she had that knowledge back then, would she still have married dad? I have to say that I was speechless at her answer and I am rarely speechless. Mom said YES, she would. I asked, why? He was awful! Mom looked right at me and said I had you three. If I never married your father, I wouldn’t have you three. You and your brothers were and are the very best things that have ever happened to me. You three mean everything to me. Yup, I had no words for a few. I did say that she wouldn’t have a chronically ill daughter that will always be sick and not get better. She told me she wants me, it didn’t matter if I was sick. I was her gal.
Mom never made me feel like I was a burden. When I was her caregiver, I really wanted her to be happy and know she was loved. I have been told I did accomplish that goal. I did tell her very often that I loved her. Mom sure kept that pinky promise she made me when I was very young.
Next Sunday will be the first recital we have had in so very long. I am looking forward to it because it has been such a long time. Q is singing 4 or 5 songs and I think playing her saxophone, G is playing 2 or 3 clarinet pieces, P is singing 3 songs, C is possibly singing 2, and I am unsure about the 2 or 3 others. In May, it will be a bigger recital because S will be able to be there and possibly 2 of my other students. It will also be the Senior Spotlight on Q as she will graduate high school. I am hoping E and LaKedria will be able to come in person, I am hoping also that my sister will be visiting at that time.
It has been so cold these last few weeks. With the windchill, we are talking way below zero. I have just been aching and super exhausted from it. I did end up in the hospital overnight a couple of weeks ago. I woke up with the sharpest pains going up and down my legs from my knees to my feet. It hurt to breathe and I had a horrible headache. I called LaKedria and asked if the pains were normal for fibromyalgia. She said not for me because of my blood disorder. I was in so much pain I really didn’t know what was going on so she said to call A. I did. He spoke with her and somehow B came home to take me to the ER. I had blood tests and a CT scan. Pain meds and plans for the testing and stuff. B and A stayed until the doctor spoke to B about the blood test results and the plan for another test to rule out a blood clot. He said that the Ultrasound techs go home at 7pm so often they will let patients go home and then come back. For me, he said I was way too tender, (when he was checking my lungs like normal, it hurt when the stethoscope touched my skin), and in too much pain to go home so he wanted me to go to observation. B agreed that was a good plan so they both left. I finally fell asleep and then I was moved into the observation floor. I didn’t have a blood clot. It was from the arthritis in my back that was causing the pain in my legs. I have so much arthritis in my back that it causes this to happen when it feels like it.
I am much better with that now. I now just want a bit of warmer weather and my momma. That is all.
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