Fishing and Me

 When I was a child, we camped quite a bit.  I am unsure the first time I went camping, I am thinking probably about 4 or 5.  I am an extremely prissy girl.  I absolutely hate getting dirty, I always have.  Generally, I am not all that fond of being outside either.  Strangely, I loved camping.  I also really disliked the sticky feeling of the anti-Mosquito spray Off.  I could not go in outside without it on.  Mosquitoes loved me so much.

Anyways, I digress.  After my parents got divorced, my mother kept the trunk of her car packed except for fresh food that would go in the cool and our clothes and such. We camped so much that summer.  This particular memory to this day still makes me laugh.  As much as I love camping, I really did not like fishing.  I refused to put the worm or bait on the hook, I would hold the pole, I would not touch the fish, I would not clean the fish, I would cook the fish, and depending on what kind of fish it was, I maybe eat the fish.  Don't hold your breath  though. My brothers really did not like fishing with me. For some reason, I have no idea whatever gave them this idea, that I talked too much and scared all the fish away.  I have no idea why they would ever think that, just because my mother called me her chatterbox, seriously.

This particular weekend, I don't remember where we were going, my younger brother and I were loading our toys in the trunk of the car.  I had more room for toys and books than my brothers.  They started to complain when mom said do you want her to be quiet or not while we are in the boat fishing?  One of my brothers, I don't remember which one, said, can't we just leave her at the boat launch?  My mom was horrified at that, she said no, we cannot leave your sister at the boat launch.  If you want her to be quiet she needs to take her books and toys.  At that both brothers began emptying the trunk of their toys and books.  They then loaded more of mine.  They did leave some of their toys and books just not all of them.  They previous school year I had really got into reading. I had had  a lot of difficulties with reading and by that summer I simply loved to read.

Much to my brothers surprise, I was quiet the entire summer when we all went fishing.  I did not fish at all, nope.  I read my books and had lots lots of adventures in my imagination!

Sometimes I really miss those days.

A Mother's Promise

 At 17, I had my first Fibromyalgia flare. I missed about the last 6 weeks of my junior year of high school.  It was awful.  Then the pain just went away.  After I graduated  University, that was when the Fibro really started and never went away.  Like so many of us, no one knew what was wrong with me. My mother took me to so many doctors. The last one we went to told my mom that I was emotionally disturbed.  She was furious, so furious that she wrote a letter to the AMA. 

After the disastrous last doctor appointment, my mom sat me down to have a chat as she calls it.  She said we were on our own.  Mom promised me that she would be with me all  through it.  She never broke that promise.

In March 2003, I got Vasculitis.  It is actually because I got Vasculitis that I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  Most people who get Vasculitis, it is chronic and it doesn't go away. Me?  I got lucky.  With the exception of the daily headache, everything went away. This is what started the never-ending daily headache.  I was having a few issues in December 2003, I didn't think it was vaculitis, but I wasn't sure so I made an appointment with a doctor at the Cleveland Clinic.  Mom and I went down there the night before and stayed at one of the hotels on the Clinics Campus.  

The next morning we went to the appointment at one of the hospitals, there are several.  Unlike most doctor appointments, the doctors at the Cleveland Clinic encourages family members to go with the patient in the appointment.  There is where I was officially was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I cried.  It had a name. I looked over to my mom and she was crying too.  She said the same thing.  It has name.  On the way home mom again promised we would get through this together. 

Because of the support she gave me, when the Alzheimer's began to get into the end stages, I was able to  to keep her home with me until she passed away. 

The Yearly CT Scan

 Every year since about 2007, I have had to have CT scans or Ultrasounds on my abdomen because I have 2 cysts that are benign.  There usually are no surprises or anything, well, until this past week.  I had to switch urologist because the one I went to did nothing t accept the new insurance that I had.  I found another one that my primary doctor suggested.  He was really nice.  He retired so I have a different doctor from that practice.  Thursday, I thought I had a Telehealth appointment, however, I guess it got changed to in person and no one told me.  I called at 10:30. That is how I found out. The person I was speaking to was very insistent that I have an in person appointment.  I did think it was a bit strange, but I made the appointment.  I was extremely unprepared for what I was about to hear. The is another mass and I have to have a biopsy this coming week.  There is a 70-80% chance it is cancer.  I am trying to not think about that  too much.  I am very anxious about it. My ADHD brain has been racing ever since.  All I right now is I have to have a biopsy.  I am working being strong. I am a work in progress. 

Was I a Mistake?

 March 24, 2025

For as long as I can remember I have thought at times I have thought God had made a big mistake when He made me.  I can remember when I was around 5 there would be nights where I would cry most of the night.  My mother would be holding me most of the night.  I would rarely go to school the next day because I would be so exhausted and my eyes would be very swollen.  This would happen a couple of times a year. I would sleep all morning and when I woke up, I would be okay.

It took years and years and years for me to believe that I was not a mistake.  Unfortunately, it wasn't until I tried to kill myself. The first time I tried, I was a junior in high school.  I Took a bottle of meds.  It was not pleasaant when I was brought to the hospital.  This was also my first flare up with Fibromyalgia. The last time I called my older brother before I  was going to take anything. He saved my life that night.  He stayed on the phone with me until our mother came home from Toronto.  

I have had extremely bad anxiety all my life.  I now know that a good percentage of my anxiety is from my ADHD.  I was only diagnosed with ADHD in 2021 or 2022. I have been fighting an eating disorder since I was 14 when my pediatrician put me on a 400 calories a day diet. It is extremely difficult to only eat 400 calories a day.  Hence the beginning of my fight with Bulimia.  (This was in the early 80's so the thinking of diets was completely different than today) I had to get weighed every week.  My mother had to keep track for the doctor.  Eventually, my mother came to realize that 400 calories a day was not good for me and stopped with weekly weigh-ins, especially when I started with the Fibromyalgia.  Things got a whole lot better then. 

Knowing your worth is so important.  I finally learned my worth about middle junior year at Wayne State. I can't remember what song I sang to anymore. I would get told that I was really dumb. I wasn't as pretty as some of my friends. 

Kathy to the Rescue, How She Saved Me from a Major Meltdown

 It seems like a lifetime ago now.

I missed the first day of Kindergarten.  We were driving home from vacation.  It was a two day drive from Florida.  My older brother was beginning 3rd grade and my younger brother was starting preschool, which was at our church.  He had finished Nursery School the year before.  That was how Kathy and I met.  At church and Nursery School.  We were three.  

Mom and Andrew went to school with me.  Richard walked to school with his friends.  When we found my classroom and mom was saying goodbye, I was super confused and starting to melt down.  No one had explained that I had to stay at kindergarten all morning!  I thought we got our work and went home to do it.  I was really wrong.  As I was beginning to meltdown, Mom spotted Kathy!  Mom pointed out Kathy and the chair next to Kathy was empty.  Meltdown avoided completely.  I just said, bye mom and walked to see Kathy.  She seemed relieved to see me too.  Kathy and I were together all the time.  We were partners when we needed go have a partner.  We rarely fought.  I can only remember 2 big fights in our whole friendship up to date.  One was in 3rd grade and the other was in 6th grade.  That was really about it.  Oooh, I did get mad one day in our band class during our senior year and one day in our theory class in our senior year.  

Kathy was very shy.  She rarely spoke in school.  I, on the other hand, was what my mom called a chatterbox.  I now know that for me, the chatterbox is a part of my ADHD.  We didn't know back then.  I was just really glad I found a friend who would listen to my chattering and she found a friend who would talk to her.

By the time 3rd grade came along, we were still in the same class.  We were both happy about that.  In 4th grade, against both our parents telling m the teachers that splitting us up would not get Kathy to speak more in class, they still decided to separate us.  At that time, I was viewed as bossing her around.  I did not.  The results they wanted did not happen.  Kathy said even less.  It also proved that I did not boss her around. We were never in the same elementary school class together again.  This broke my heart.

Junior high and high school we did have quite a few classes together through those years.  We were in band together for most years, not all, just most.  We were in band class and I sat behind her. She was third chair and I was fifth chair.  Kathy would actually turn around to talk to and then I would get in trouble.  She did this for a few days.  My breaking point was a few days later in our music theory class.  Our friend, Dave and Kathy were getting me and Dave in trouble for talking a few days before.  I purposely sat all the way across the room from them to stop them getting me in trouble.  Ha, when they started talking, I lost it.  I picked up my books and stuff, I said it isn't me!  It also isn't me in band class!  It is Kathy.  Then I burst into tears and left the classroom to go home.  When I got home, I called my mom and told her if any one calls to say I left my 7th hour, well, I did.  Mom and I talked about when she got home.  I didn't really get in trouble for leaving school, I was just told not to do that again.  The next day in band class, Kathy turned around to talk to me and she got caught by our teacher!  The teacher was standing, but she had to sit down.  She actually apologized to me. She also said I had a reputation of talking a lot.  I rarely talked in any music classes.  Rarely.  In theory class, I sat, again across from Kathy and yes, she also got caught.  Even though I was not a popular girl, there were a few kids in the class who told our teacher that it had been Kathy from the beginning of the year. That teacher also apologized and asked if I was sitting across from my best friend because of this. I said yes.  The teacher told me I could go back to my original seat and she would not blame me for others talking.  I moved back.

These are just a few of our adventures.  There are so many more!

Cymbalta

 About a month ago, I saw an advertisement of SwingCare, which a one of a kind group of medical professionals that work with only patients who have Fibromyalgia.  It is a virtual office.  I did contact them last year  UT they did not accept my insurance.  The person I spoke to told MD to check back because more and more insurances were being added as time went on.  The second time I contacted them, my insurance was accepted after being added sometime last year.  They work with all aspects of Fibromyalgia.  My first two appointments went so good.  The doctor added Cymbalta to my meds.  I had tried it years ago.  Many years ago.  I was up for trying it again.  

After a month of taking the generic of Cymbalta, I have noticed some good changes.  The biggest one is my sleep has improved.  I actually can sleep 6-7 hours straight through.  This is huge for me.  I generally, for years, woke up every 2-3 hours from pain, and then I would need to get out of bed to get back in to lay on the other side.  Not now.  I also think it has helped my mental health.  I never thought I had I had any kind of depression, however, being in pain 24/7 for about 32 years does cause some issues.  The Cymbalta has helped.  I had an appointment with my doctor last week and I am very pleased with the plan that we are following.  Sometimes it is really hard being in pain all the time.  I do my best and try to keep a good attitude, sometimes it is hard.  

Chasing a Man Who Never Wanted to be my Dad

 My parents divorced when I was around 8-9 years old, it was so hard on us three kids.  Mom took each of us out individually so she could talk about stuff with her.  I was first as I was having major meltdowns every time she walked out the door and it didn't matter why.  She could be going to the store or school or the Armories, it didn't matter where.  We went to McDonald's for our special time together.  At the end of our chat, Mom pinky promised that she would not move anywhere without me too.  Mom said that we were a team, Mom me, and my two brothers.  Mom kept her promise.  She never left us.  Even at the end, when she passed.away.  she had Alzheimer's Disease.  Mom was heading into the last stage of Alzheimer's, stage 7.  

We visited our dad only a few times after he moved out.  He did get remarried right after the divorce.  I think I may have been about 10 years old the last time I spoke with him.   I can only remember a tiny bit of some of the visits.  I don't remember this, however, apparently, the last time he did call us, he had asked us if we wanted to move in with him.  I do vaguely telling him I didn't want to live on a farm.  Both boys agreed.  I guess when we did that, our dad decided to shut us out of his life, mind, and heart, only at the time we didn't know that.  

It was zero communication for about the next 41 years.  I had written a letter to my dad.  No answer.

In 2008, I joined Facebook.  I really liked it because I made friends differs groups I had joined and I found friends I hadn't since in years and years.  Started around 2017, I would randomly put my dad's name in under the find friends as well as my step mother's day is name.  Some time in 2017-2018, one night I put my step mother's name and my step mother's profile popped up!  I was so excited.  I found my dad.  I had been looking for him for years.  At first it was really good.  I did eventually block my step mother on Facebook.  It was better that way.  It really began to get harder for me to speak with them on a regular basis because of the mean things that they were saying to me about my mother.  I even told them that mom had never said anything derogatory about either one of them, which is true.  All she would say is, he is your father.  Unfortunately, it was not reciprocated until after my dad died.  It was very hurtful to hear from my step mother that according to her my dad never loved my mother and he only married her because he felt sorry for her.  It made me feel like I was born out of hate in the family, not love.  I asked my 2 uncles about this and they said that my mom and dad were in love so we were born out of love.

My step mother found my half sister in 2020.  This was a dream come true.  We hope to see each other in person this spring.  A few years ago, I was talking to my step mother around my dad's and my step sister's birthday that it wouldn't make any difference to my dad if we talked to him or if we didn't.  It was at the moment, I realized that I had been chasing my father who didn't want to be my dad.  

He passed away a couple years ago.  It was so weird to hear that he passed away and then to be asked if I wanted to be listed in his Obituary.  I said yes.  I wanted to be a acknowledged, I didn't want to be erased again.  That is how I felt.  My other siblings made their own choices.

After he died, my step mother stopped saying mean things about my mom.  She misses my dad so much, which I can understand.  They were married for 46 years years.  It was difficult for me to hear all the time what a good man and dad he was.  This was his 3rd marriage and while yes, I am glad he learned how to be a good husband, he wasn't a good husband to my mother or my half sister's mother.  He may have been a good dad to my 2 step sisters and a good grandfather to my step sisters' children,  I am glad he was to them, however, again, he wasn't for the four of us.  You have to be present to be a good dad.  He wasn't.  

After he passed away, I did keep in touch with my step mother.  I called her my bonus mom.  She really doesn't like the "step mother" title so that is when started calling her my bonus mom.  I really did try to be as understanding as I could, right now though, I need a break from hearing how good of a man my dad was.  I just had to take a break.  My heart couldn't take knowing that my father loved my two step sisters, yet not his four children.  I just couldn't.  He abandoned me, us.  Some scars take decades to heal.  Being abandoned hasn't healed yet.

Who knows, maybe 2025 is the year it finally gets worked through.  I can always hope!