Chasing a Man Who Never Wanted to be my Dad

 My parents divorced when I was around 8-9 years old, it was so hard on us three kids.  Mom took each of us out individually so she could talk about stuff with her.  I was first as I was having major meltdowns every time she walked out the door and it didn't matter why.  She could be going to the store or school or the Armories, it didn't matter where.  We went to McDonald's for our special time together.  At the end of our chat, Mom pinky promised that she would not move anywhere without me too.  Mom said that we were a team, Mom me, and my two brothers.  Mom kept her promise.  She never left us.  Even at the end, when she passed.away.  she had Alzheimer's Disease.  Mom was heading into the last stage of Alzheimer's, stage 7.  

We visited our dad only a few times after he moved out.  He did get remarried right after the divorce.  I think I may have been about 10 years old the last time I spoke with him.   I can only remember a tiny bit of some of the visits.  I don't remember this, however, apparently, the last time he did call us, he had asked us if we wanted to move in with him.  I do vaguely telling him I didn't want to live on a farm.  Both boys agreed.  I guess when we did that, our dad decided to shut us out of his life, mind, and heart, only at the time we didn't know that.  

It was zero communication for about the next 41 years.  I had written a letter to my dad.  No answer.

In 2008, I joined Facebook.  I really liked it because I made friends differs groups I had joined and I found friends I hadn't since in years and years.  Started around 2017, I would randomly put my dad's name in under the find friends as well as my step mother's day is name.  Some time in 2017-2018, one night I put my step mother's name and my step mother's profile popped up!  I was so excited.  I found my dad.  I had been looking for him for years.  At first it was really good.  I did eventually block my step mother on Facebook.  It was better that way.  It really began to get harder for me to speak with them on a regular basis because of the mean things that they were saying to me about my mother.  I even told them that mom had never said anything derogatory about either one of them, which is true.  All she would say is, he is your father.  Unfortunately, it was not reciprocated until after my dad died.  It was very hurtful to hear from my step mother that according to her my dad never loved my mother and he only married her because he felt sorry for her.  It made me feel like I was born out of hate in the family, not love.  I asked my 2 uncles about this and they said that my mom and dad were in love so we were born out of love.

My step mother found my half sister in 2020.  This was a dream come true.  We hope to see each other in person this spring.  A few years ago, I was talking to my step mother around my dad's and my step sister's birthday that it wouldn't make any difference to my dad if we talked to him or if we didn't.  It was at the moment, I realized that I had been chasing my father who didn't want to be my dad.  

He passed away a couple years ago.  It was so weird to hear that he passed away and then to be asked if I wanted to be listed in his Obituary.  I said yes.  I wanted to be a acknowledged, I didn't want to be erased again.  That is how I felt.  My other siblings made their own choices.

After he died, my step mother stopped saying mean things about my mom.  She misses my dad so much, which I can understand.  They were married for 46 years years.  It was difficult for me to hear all the time what a good man and dad he was.  This was his 3rd marriage and while yes, I am glad he learned how to be a good husband, he wasn't a good husband to my mother or my half sister's mother.  He may have been a good dad to my 2 step sisters and a good grandfather to my step sisters' children,  I am glad he was to them, however, again, he wasn't for the four of us.  You have to be present to be a good dad.  He wasn't.  

After he passed away, I did keep in touch with my step mother.  I called her my bonus mom.  She really doesn't like the "step mother" title so that is when started calling her my bonus mom.  I really did try to be as understanding as I could, right now though, I need a break from hearing how good of a man my dad was.  I just had to take a break.  My heart couldn't take knowing that my father loved my two step sisters, yet not his four children.  I just couldn't.  He abandoned me, us.  Some scars take decades to heal.  Being abandoned hasn't healed yet.

Who knows, maybe 2025 is the year it finally gets worked through.  I can always hope!

How do we know if we are a good person?

 Sometimes I think the world has gone mad.  I  don't understand how some forget that everyone deserves kindness and respect.  Some of my favorite verses are Matthew 25:35-40. 

Matthew 25:35-40

New International Version

35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

I know that every culture and religion has similar.  It isn't a new idea to treat people the way you want to be treated.  This is something that was important in our house, however, depending on the day is whether or not this was in practice.  I do aspire to this ideal. Sometimes, I reach close to it, a lot of times, I fail miserably.  

When I started teaching, I had a couple of role models, one I wanted to be similar to, my ballet teacher, Debbie Martin Carlisle, and one I never wanted to be like, the voice teacher I had at Wayne State University. He was mean and lazy too.  the first three semesters, I sang everything I had  sang the prior 2 years.  He definitely showed me that being mean and cruel was not very inspiring and not helpful. Debbie, on the other hand, was the exact opposite.  I noticed that Debbie got great results out of her students without being mean or cruel or putting them down.  To this day, I really try hard to be a teacher like Debbie. 

I love teaching.  I really miss teaching full time.  When I was younger, I thought I was born for Broadway.  Then I got sick.  No more Broadway.  Thankfully, I had teaching to fall back on.  That was when I discovered I wasn't born for Broadway, but teaching.  Every lesson, choir, band, performance, class, all of that was to prepare me to be the best teacher I can be. I am thankful I  can still teach a tiny bit.  It is better than no teaching at all.

Finding My Value and Acting On It

 Yesterday was an absolutely horrible day.  Simply awful.  I think I cried more yesterday than I have in a very long time.  I missed my mother as much as I did the day she passed away.  I have caught the guck, as we call it, that is going around.  I have infections in both ears and I had a lot of congestion.  With the help of meds I am on the mend.  I somehow slept from Saturday Midnight to Monday noon.  Yup mostly straight through, which of course means no meds at all on Sunday as I was completely asleep.  On Monday, when I woke up, I was very light headed and it was not good.  

I was watching some videos on FaceBook when one really caught my eye and practically hit me right in the face.  So it was about a bottle of water.  in the grocery store it is $1, then a restaurant is $3 or something like that, and then I think there may have been one more with the last being the bottle is $6 in an airport.  The point was, if you don't feel like you have value, maybe you are in the wrong place.  So, as the day progressed, I realized how I have I allowed people to speak to me with disrespect and not only with disrespect but also treat me with much disrespect.  

Today, it was like night and day when I woke up.  I do think that making the decision I made yesterday was a part of it, also, I hadn't realized that the newest med I have from SwingCare has done more for me than just help the Fibromyalgia.  SwingCare added Cymbalta.  After yesterday, with missing a full day of meds, including Cymbalta, I realized that it is also helping my mental health.  This does makes sense since it is an anti-depressant. I feel so much better today.

Watch out world, here I come!

New Blog/Vlog will begin with the New Year 2025

 This blog has been, at times, a friend, sounding board, and most importantly, a place to grow.  It has been a very long time since I have posted daily.  I am about to begin a new journey in 2025.  I have been inspired to start a 365Grateful Blog/Vlog.  It is something I am doing for myself.  On the days I don't have any . or appointments, I have difficulty wanting to even get up.  I only get up to take care of Peony my dog.  I read an article about a woman named Hailey who created the 365 grateful challenge. She is a photographer so she used photography.  I think it is a really neat thing to do.

Look for the new project later this week!!

I don't want to be me today

 For the last few months I have really come to not like that I cannot do so many things myself.  On Thursday, November 8, I fell out of bed.  About six or so months ago we had taken my mattress and box spring off of my bed frame. The box spring is on the floor with the mattress on top.  I did not fall far.  I actually slid out of bed.  I really don't know how I managed to do this.  It took an hour to get me back in bed.  I tried for about 20 minutes to get up on my own.  I knew how. I couldn't do it.  I didn't have the strength.  Finally I had to text one of my housemates.  She came right up.  I think she flew.  I still couldn't get up.  She went and got her dad, another housemate. He ended up picking me up in two stages and then he moved my legs on my bed.  I was sore when I got up later that morning, I had no idea what was about to hit me.  I had gone to the Cleveland Clinic to see if I had Lipedema or Lymphedema.  At that time, I was told I did not have Lymphedema.  Well, the doctor was wrong.  The lower part of my legs, knees to toes, blew up with fluid.  My legs were weeping and they really hurt especially the right leg.  I couldn't get in or out of my car or any car for that matter, by myself.  I had gone to the ER to check that there was no blood clots as I have a genetic blood disorder.  There weren't any.  I was in the ER for about ten hours.  I came home with a new walker.  It is a more simple one as there is no seat.  I use it in the house as I was instructed to by the ER doctor.  It is actually easier to use in the house than my cane.  I had to see my doctor for a follow-up visit.  When I got weighed, I weighed 13 more pounds than I did two weeks before.  Yup.  There was 13 pounds of fluid in my legs. I couldn't wear shoes or slippers. I ended up wearing my slippers with not putting them on properly.  Now I can. Yes, I am healing from the fall.  The fall really showed so much of what I can't do for myself.  I have been sick for more than 1/2 my life.  I was 25 when the fibromyalgia showed up and never went away. I had had bad headaches since elementary school.  I was born with tummy problems. On average, I missed one day a week of school since kindergarten.  Fortunately, I do have good friends who understand me.  These moments do not last long.  I am grateful that I can do as much as I can.  I am so thrilled to see my best friend, Kathy on Holidays and her family.  Her mom is such an awesome person.  I am making Christmas Dinner.  I am quite excited about it.  Another housemate is helping me.  I am looking for recipes for what seasonings to use.  I think we just used salt, pepper, and poultry seasoning. I am unsure.  I am going to be asking my aunt Michelle.  She is an amazing cook. 

The journey of grief

 When the physical therapist told me it was time to call hospice, my heart sank.  How could it be time?  How could I live without my mother?  I wished so much at that time I had listened when she wanted to tell me about how I was going to live without her. I had this fantasy in my head that we would both die on the same day at the same time. I had never lived anywhere but in my childhood home. After I graduated with my bachelor degree, I can't remember exactly how much time passed before the fibromyalgia showed up and never left. At the time of the flair, I taught private music lessons at a music store and at the students house. Generally, I would wake up when my mom did because she would make us breakfast, then I would go back to bed and sleep or read when I woke up in time to go and teach. I think it was about a year, maybe less when mom said resting all the time was not helping. That is when we started with light stretching. It did help. I had more mobility.

It was years though before I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. When the nurse from hospice came, I had to sign so many papers. It is crazy how many. Mom had been in a nursing home for rehab several months earlier and she came home with a pressure sore. I told the nurse about it. 

Within a few weeks, mom choked her dinner down, even the mashed potatoes. Starting in the previous February, she barely ate anything I had to add Ensure drinks to her diet, specifically the protein ones. I called the emergency line and a nurse came out. She was able to clear mom's throat.  The next day, October 10, 2010, it happened again only worse. The person who answered the phone said a nurse would be there as soon as they are able. The nurse was at another house and it was an emergency.  The nurse arrived about 9:30 pm. She tried to clear mom' s throat but couldn't. We had to go to the ER. At the ER, the doctor tried to suction mom's throat but she kept biting down which frustrated him. The nurse kept saying, she has Alzheimer's, you have to keep saying what you are going to do. She was admitted soon after. I went home thinking I would be picking her up in the next few days. Boy was I wrong.

At 9 am I got a phone call from the doctor. Mom failed the swallowing test. I didn't quite understand. He said it again. I got it that time. He said. This is it. There is nothing we can do.  I asked about a feeding tube. He said it would go into her lungs. This is it. Do you want to take her home or keep her here on the hospice floor. I picked the hospice floor. I got dressed and cried the entire way. 

I can't write anymore. 

It's a Saturday!!!!!

 Today is Saturday!  On this particular day I do not have any lessons.  Greg is absent and so is Madonna.  I so love her name!!  I am sitting in the living room I teach in because it has a/c. My bedroom does have a portable a/c like this room but I really don't feel like going up there right now.  Peony is in here too.  She is just hanging out with me.  Because of the bursitis in my shoulders, I cannot hold my arms up long enough to wash  and dry my own hair so I go to get it done.  Usually, I get it done on Thursdays, but this week I had a doctor appointment so I needed to reschedule to today.  I so love that when I do need to reschedule that the two young ladies on Saturday french braid my hair.  Ruth, my usual person, does my hair a bit different and I really love that too.  Overall, I really like everyone at the salon and the owner is my across the street neighbor so I am supporting a good neighbor!!!!!  

It has been really hot for the last few weeks here.  Today I really really just ache a lot from it.  My everyday headache is more than the usual level.  I am not as nauseated as I was yesterday, just the usual amount of nausea.  Thank goodness starting tomorrow it will be cooler for us.  I am so glad.  

Last night I was sitting at the table with C. and I was finishing up my dinner when I took a drink of water that went down the wrong pipe.  It happens so often now.  I don't know why.  Anyways, Heather BT happen to be in the kitchen/dining room area when this occurred.  I told her this happens a lot when I drink water.  She said to use a straw.  I have since then and wow, it has really helped.  She was also right at how much you drink more of because you are using a straw!! I now have chosen some reusable straws for my water bottle.  It was so much easier to drink all the water I needed to last night.  Generally, it is a huge struggle because of the swallowing issue.  I am just really happy about this.  reusable  straws rule.  

In my Michigan Lipedema group, a woman was giving away her old vibrating plate machine.  I was the fourth one to say I am interested in getting it.  Apparently, the first three either didn't get back to her or never came to pick it up, who knows, she messaged me to see if I was still interested, which I  was and told me to come and get it.  James and I went the next day.  Now, I had no idea what it looked like or size or how to use it or even what it would do, I just knew that some members of the group said it really helped.  We picked it up.  Bill brought it in later that day and when he asked me where I wanted it, I said oh in my room would be fine, he laughed then said it won't fit in your room.  I said, oh, the living room?  That is where it is at.  I have used it a few times.  Because my standing ability at this point in time really sucks, I can't stand on it very long, we're talking at most, 1 minute.  The problem that has arrose is that in about 30 or so minutes later, my daily, never ending headache gets worse.  Yes.  Fortunately, I say my neurologist and she knew exactly what machine I was talking about even before I showed her the picture!  She said she wasn't surprised about the pain getting worse afterward.  C asked about me sitting in a chair and putting my feet on the machine and using it that way.  Dr. A said that would be really good because then my head won't be vibrating also.  The cool thing though, is that both Heather BT and James love the  machine.  Heather BT uses it everyday.  I am so happy about this.  She is up  to 10 minutes and I am really glad.  I just now need to find what will work for me.

On Tuesday, both C and I will have our botox shots at the neurologists office.  This will be my third round.  It was funny because when Dr. A asked if I thought they were helping, I couldn't answer.  I didn't know.  I said I think so.  After this round I will pay more attention.  I did tell her I had bought a chronic pain tracker.  I hadn't used it, but I have it.  She laughed and said she wasn't surprised.  I said I really try not to focus on my pain level.  That Dr. A said is good.  I am donating the chronic pain tracker book.  I used it once.

Pictures: Top picture is Valerian - he is a Yorkie.  Then Me and Peony.  Third down is Peony, my dog, Fourth down is my sister, bottom, Peony