Thursday, November 6, 2014

Fibro and the looming possible house foreclosure

We are in danger of losing the house.  We are short $2058 to stop foreclosure proceedings.  I can pay the monthly payments but I have yet to figure out how to pay the back stuff.  Yeah, that would be the issue.  I had hoped that in the safe deposit box would be some sellable jewelry, there isn't just mom's pearls, which are going to Abigail, and my necklace, and a few other things but nothing we can sell.  We did find $124 Canadian but that paid for the drilling of the safe deposit box so that brings us back to well, the beginning.

My anxiety is high, I will admit and the pain levels are high too.  I expected this because of the situation I am in.  I don't want to sell the house, which is the extremely very very very very very last resort because I will not only lose my home, but my livelihood, teaching as I teach at home.  The house is set up to teach and where else would I be able to teach?  There are no studios in the area hiring (I tried) and apartments around here are not conducive for teaching plus I don't know how I would afford an apartment on disability alone so basically, I will be homeless, literally, if I don't somehow someway come up with a plan.

So I did.  I will be talking to housemates this weekend but also I took a suggestion from a friend about setting up a gofundme.com account.  I don't have super high expectations but so far, someone has donated $50 so hey, that is $50 more than what I had earlier.  I am thrilled.  I mean, I am so thankful for this help.  I sure hope we do get more because this past summer was the worst.  First Calli got super duper sick, then I got sick, it was just a horrible cycle of bad things.  Now that things are back to normal, we stuck with this.  I didn't even know because I have been speaking to the bank this whole time and well, they led me to mistakenly believe that because I was making regular payments again, that we were fine.  I was wrong.  I didn't ask the right questions.  I know better.  I have made some changes here at home that will prevent this from ever happening again so I feel better about that.  I just need to somehow, someway get the rest of the money.

I am open to suggestions.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

The Anniversary of Momma's passing

Well, the most hated day of the year has past and I survived with flying colors!  For all my paralyzing fear of the day, October 18, I was fine.  It was even a fun day as after lessons we drove to our friend's house and had dinner there.  It was really good.

My anxiety goes into overdrive when the date of October 18 rolls around and as it inches closer, well, more and more fear creeps into me causing the extreme paralyzing fear.  This year makes the 4th year since Momma passed away.  I don't think she would be happy with the paralyzing fear but I also don't think she would be surprised since she did know what my anxiety was like.  I get this way around her birthday too.  It is just insane.  It isn't like those are the only 2 days a year that I think and remember her, I think of her everyday.

I am proud that I did do well on that day.  We had things planned and that was good but I didn't feel the urge to lie down and cry all day either, which is what I did the first 2 years after Momma died.  All I did the first year, I think, was cry.

I talked to Heather BT about this paralyzing fear and she said when I feel it coming on to speak with her so I will.  She is very calm and can help me calm the fear with such good things.  I am so thankful.  Kathy is the same way.



Here is an absolutely adorable picture of the Peony girl doggie.  She makes everything bright in my life.  I never knew, until Maisy, how wonderful a dog's love could be.  Here is also a picture of Maisy.  I miss her, but she is in Heaven with Momma so Momma isn't lonely for me.  Maisy is the top picture and Peony is the bottom picture.






I love them both soooooo much!!!!!  Peony is such a friendly little one.  Maisy was friendly to kids and women.  She was so afraid of men.  Dogs just fill my heart full of love!!!!!!

Sunday, October 5, 2014

headaches

It is quiet here today and I am enjoying it.  Peony is here with me on and off, depending on what she decides to do.  It is quit cute when she prances here and there.  It is fun to watch her walk because she actually prances more than walks.

I don't have lessons today because it is Sunday and most Sundays I don't have lessons.  I went to breakfast with Tilley, Lia, and Luana this morning.  It was fun.  I hadn't seen them in a while so it was nice to catch up with them.  Lia had her baby since I last saw her, Logan.  I have seen pictures and oh my, he is so cute!  I can't wait to see him in person.  I am not sure when that will be, but I am sure it will be soon.

It has been just Will (our friend who is visiting), Peony, and I this weekend.  I have enjoyed the quiet but I am ready for everyone to come home.  I read a lot yesterday with Peony next to me on the couch. I liked that a lot and then we went upstairs to my room.  She was laying on my bed for a couple of hours while I read some more.  She also spent some time with Will in the afternoon and this morning while I was at breakfast.  Peony is going back and forth between us now, which is funny.

For some odd reason, I have had a problem with my left calf/shin and my foot going numb when I am sitting in a chair.  I have a stool for my feet to sit on because otherwise both my legs go numb but this has not really happened before.  I don't get it.  When I sit on my bed, it is the right calf/shin and foot that goes numb.  It is really weird.  I know it isn't anything serious but boy is it annoying.  They don't hurt, they just go numb.

I have the yearly appointment with the kidney doctor tomorrow to check on the mass on my kidney.  A part of me is worried and a part of me is not.  Last year, I had to have a biopsy because they thought they saw cancer cells on the mass.  It hasn't changed sizes in 6 years so I don't think it will, but there is that small voice in the back of my head that says, what if?  I am trying to ignore that small voice.  So far, during the day, I can but at night, well, that sometimes is a losing battle.  I had the CT scan on Wednesday so he will have the results tomorrow.  I have not asked anyone to attend the appointment with me because I don't think it is necessary unlike last year when they thought I had kidney cancer.  I do hope to avoid the whole biopsy thing this year.  It didn't hurt too bad but I lost a whole day of teaching and I would prefer not to do that especially if the mass hasn't changed sizes.  Of course, if it has grown, that is a whole other issue and I won't complain about a biopsy.

I have an appointment with my hematologist on Wednesday.  It is really just a check up on my protime.  My blood has been up and down for about 6 weeks now so I have been having to go every week because of that.  Also, he has been doing a few other tests because of the massive amount of bruising I have been having.  So far, it is because of the medicine I take and that is okay compared to what it could be.  I haven't bruised too much in the past couple of weeks though so I think that is good.

Next Monday, I have an appointment with the tummy doctor.  In the hospital, they stopped my reglan medicine because I began to have tremors.  I haven't since.  I don't know if it is because they gave it to me directly into the IV or when they gave it to me or how often.  I just don't know but I need to speak with the doctor on that.  My stomach has not been the same since because the reglan actually helps digest my food and I do need it.  So since then my stomach has been upset more often than not.  I think that is the last of the appointments of the month.  I sure hope so!  I am so tired of doctors and I see so many.  I think I have 8 specialists (including the 2 I see once a year) and my general doctor.  It is just insane but there isn't anything I can do about it.

My headaches have been worse again at night, especially at the back of the head.  My neck is better since the starting of the gabapentin but not the headaches.  I get so discouraged at how bad they get at night and early morning.  So many mornings my best sleep starts at about 6 am.  So far nothing has worked to eliminate them or even reduce them enough to sleep better.  I wake up every 2 or 3 hours as it is to roll over from the leg pain of fibro, add the headache pain, and I don't sleep very much.  It is just awful.  At least I can function during the day and I am grateful for that.  I just want to be able to sleep better at night.  When I was in the hospital, I slept all day and night so when I came home that is what I did for 3 days.  I also was very dizzy and extremely exhausted.  I felt like I was walking through mud.  After a week, I felt better, and I am back to normal, I just wish they would have found the miracle to stop the headaches.  I don't think there is one right now.  It is really hard to do things like sleep, when your head hurts so much.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

pain and life

Today has a good day.  In fact, this past couple of days have been good.  Tomorrow I go to the arthritis doctor.  I missed the doctor appointment in August because I was in the hospital so this is the make up. She should be very happy with the weight loss or I am hoping she is.  I have to speak with her about the gabapentin medicine.  I think it is helping.  I never realized, although I should have, that some of the pain was nerve pain.  My neck, shoulders, and back feel much better since the starting of taking that medicine.  It has been about a month of taking it now so I can safely say that it has helped.  I also do this one neck exercise that Calli has shown me.  I hope that helps too.

My daily headache has been just the regular amount of pain these last couple of days, which is good.  I hope it stays that way.  I haven't had the really bad headache since the hospital last month.  It was an unusually bad headache.  I have only had 2 that bad, one in 2008 and last month.  I tried to explain to the nurse how unusual the headache was.  The doctor got it but one of the nurses really didn't but that was okay because once I moved to a regular room, I didn't see her again.  After the IMITRIX, she said that that had to help and well, it didn't.  Not one bit.  She was very disappointed and surprised.  The headache was that bad.  I tried to explain that to her.  Perhaps, if I had gone to the ER on Sunday, like I had thought to, it would have helped, but I didn't until Monday and I paid for it with more pain.  Next time, I will go with the first instinct and not the second.  It definitely didn't pay to not go with my first instinct.  However, I am back to normal now and that is what is important.

School has started again so we hear the noises of the kids doing their homework and practicing.  It is a nice sound or the practicing sound is.  The piano is being played, a sound I love to hear.  Of course, the fascination with the metronome is in between the piano songs and that is NOT a sound I like to hear unless, of course, it is with the piano sound.  I don't have another lesson for 2 hours so I don't need the piano until then.  My 4:30 lesson had to cancel.

Lessons are going well.  I have room for 5 more students, whether or not I will get them, I do not know, but I have room and would like to have that many more.  We are gearing up for the busy fall.  Sammy is thinking about competition and Christmas as well as Acer.  Jessie wants to compete this year too.  I think Memphis also wishes too.  I only have about 4 or 5 who do and that is okay.  A small amount is good for me.  Anything bigger and my anxiety rises.  That would be bad.  It would also raise my pain levels, which would also be bad.  So, a small amount of students is good.

I can't believe that September is almost over and that October is almost here.  How fast time goes.  Next week at this time will be the 1st.  Then Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas!

Friday, September 19, 2014

the wiped out day

I was so wiped out today.  I didn't wake up until 2:45 pm.  Yes, that is 2:45 pm.  Even for the non-morning person like me, this is late.  I just couldn't get out of bed.  I was supposed to go to Heather BT's mom's house to make drop biscuits but I was so tired I couldn't get out of bed.  Her mom was very understanding.  I am going Monday instead.  She is teaching me how to make a lot of things.  It is fun.  My goal is to make a nice dinner for the house one day.  It should happen soon.

It has been a good week for lessons despite the 3 absences.  My students are doing well so that is good.

My headaches have been the usual, nothing new.  I haven't had the really bad one that sent me to the hospital for 6 days, which is good, but the regular one is there.  I have had a bad one a couple of days in a row but today is just the regular one.

Things have been rather busy for me.  I have been busy with students, the kids, reading, and reading.  I have been reading a lot more since I was told at the hospital to work on relaxing and calming down more so more reading for me.  I have started re-reading one of my favorite author.  It is totally chick lit but it isn't hard reading or reading that you really have to think about so that is why I picked that author.  i have about 33 of her books so it will keep me busy for a while.

Monday, September 1, 2014

I Am Finally Home Again

2 weeks ago, I was in the hospital again.  This time it was for a wicked headache.  I was in the hospital for 6 days this time.  It took about 3 days in bed to start the recovery when I got home and then resting in between lessons for the rest of the week.  I am finally feeling better.  I am not totally feeling completely 100% yet, but closer than I was last week.  I figure by the end of this week I should be back to normal.

I have spent the last 2 days resting and playing with Peony.  Heather BT also has changed the music room around and it looks really nice.  It is ready for the school year.  I am also almost ready for the school year.  It is time to get Christmas music, Competition music, and fall music out.  Time to get organized for the school year.

I am exhausted now, since it is nighttime.  I can't really think right now because this room is too loud.  I am going to read in the other room.  It is too loud in here.  Just way too loud in here.  We have 6 kids in the living room so I am going to read in the dining room.  My headache is getting worse because it is so loud in here.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

A Day in the Life

A day in the life of... hmmm... me?  I don't know.  It sounded neat so that is the title for this post.  Not much is really happening tonight.  I had 3 lessons and both Calli and Tasha practiced piano so there was music all over the house.  Now, I am at my desk in the music room with Peony by my side.  She is such a tired girl today as she took a long walk to get her nails trimmed.  Peony must inspect everything so she goes from side to side instead of walking straight ahead.  It is kind of funny but it is something that has to be worked on.  Her nails are nicely trimmed now so she won't scratch us anymore.  Q's were done too.  Heather BT took Peony on a bike ride in the new basket she has for her but she jumped out and ended up hanging on by her harness.  Heather BT stopped the bike right away so Peony could get back into the bike basket.  Basically, it did not turn out as planned so on to plan B for them.

I haven't ridden a bike in so long.  I don't even think at this point I really remember how to balance myself.  I don't have a bike either so it isn't like I could try.  I used to like riding my bike everywhere, even when I could drive.  When I worked at Arby's, I would often ride my bike to work.  I really enjoyed it a lot.  Then I got in an accident and that really ended the bike riding for me.  Also, I started going straight to dance from work and couldn't ride my bike there anymore either.  I began to spend a lot more time at the dance studio.  I think at one point I was there 6 days a week for about 7 years.  Sunday was the only day I wasn't and that was the day I did my homework as I was in college at that point.

I am pretty achy in the hands today.  I am not sure exactly why but I am.  I am also really tired but that I do know why.  I was out late last night and I had an early appointment this morning for an ultrasound and blood test.  That is why I am so tired.  I did take a nap when I came home but interrupted sleep isn't always good sleep.  I was pretty awake most of the day, I am just now getting tired.  I think Peony has the right idea, sleeping.  The ultrasound was for the lump on the right calf.  It is about the size of 3/4 of a golf ball.  It doesn't really hurt or anything, it is just annoying that it is there and my legs are lumpy enough so to add that makes them even lumpier.  I don't expect it to be anything but it is best to have it checked just in case especially with my history of lumps and masses.  In September, I have to have the old right kidney checked out again to make sure it is still not cancer.  I have to have a CT scan and drink that iodine water and possible another biopsy since there are clear cells present.  Clear cells can be cancer.  At this point, mine are not, but Dr. G (the kidney one) said most likely I would have to have another biopsy to double check that they have not grown into cancer cells.  I am okay with the checking of that.  I know that it is rare for women to get kidney cancer but that doesn't mean they don't get it, they just don't get it as much as men do.

It is so peaceful here tonight.  Peony and I are the only ones home right now.  I am enjoying the peace although I do enjoy when everyone is home.  I think I am going to take advantage of the peace and quiet and go and read for a bit before heading for bed.  I foresee going to bed a bit early since I am so tired today.

I think of all the symptoms that comes with fibro, besides pain, maybe even more than pain, it is the fatigue that gets me the most.  I am so tired all the time.  I feel like I am always going against the wind.  I always feel like I need a nap even when I just wake up.  I constantly yawn.  I am never totally with it. I am never fully or wide awake, never.  I could sleep wonderfully and still need more.  I feel like I don't sleep at all most nights.  I wake up so often that sometimes I wonder why I try to sleep at all.  This constant battle with fatigue is so awful.  The pain is bad enough, I can ignore it at times, even the everyday headache, but it is so hard to ignore how tired I am.  Some days, I feel like I am walking through mud just going from my room to the bathroom.  It just shouldn't be like this.  It really shouldn't.  Nothing that should help me sleep works either.  I have tried all the sleep medications and either they did nothing or I got nightmares from them.  I do take Tylenol PM now, which helps some for the first part of the night.  I am grateful for that, but medicine that says it may make me drowsy, I laugh because they don't or rarely do.  I would love a medicine that actually put me to sleep and stayed asleep for 8 hours with waking up refreshed.  I haven't had that in so long I forgot what that is like.  Still, I know it could be worse.  I could not sleep at all and that would be worse.

Well, off to read.