Friday, September 19, 2014

the wiped out day

I was so wiped out today.  I didn't wake up until 2:45 pm.  Yes, that is 2:45 pm.  Even for the non-morning person like me, this is late.  I just couldn't get out of bed.  I was supposed to go to Heather BT's mom's house to make drop biscuits but I was so tired I couldn't get out of bed.  Her mom was very understanding.  I am going Monday instead.  She is teaching me how to make a lot of things.  It is fun.  My goal is to make a nice dinner for the house one day.  It should happen soon.

It has been a good week for lessons despite the 3 absences.  My students are doing well so that is good.

My headaches have been the usual, nothing new.  I haven't had the really bad one that sent me to the hospital for 6 days, which is good, but the regular one is there.  I have had a bad one a couple of days in a row but today is just the regular one.

Things have been rather busy for me.  I have been busy with students, the kids, reading, and reading.  I have been reading a lot more since I was told at the hospital to work on relaxing and calming down more so more reading for me.  I have started re-reading one of my favorite author.  It is totally chick lit but it isn't hard reading or reading that you really have to think about so that is why I picked that author.  i have about 33 of her books so it will keep me busy for a while.

Monday, September 1, 2014

I Am Finally Home Again

2 weeks ago, I was in the hospital again.  This time it was for a wicked headache.  I was in the hospital for 6 days this time.  It took about 3 days in bed to start the recovery when I got home and then resting in between lessons for the rest of the week.  I am finally feeling better.  I am not totally feeling completely 100% yet, but closer than I was last week.  I figure by the end of this week I should be back to normal.

I have spent the last 2 days resting and playing with Peony.  Heather BT also has changed the music room around and it looks really nice.  It is ready for the school year.  I am also almost ready for the school year.  It is time to get Christmas music, Competition music, and fall music out.  Time to get organized for the school year.

I am exhausted now, since it is nighttime.  I can't really think right now because this room is too loud.  I am going to read in the other room.  It is too loud in here.  Just way too loud in here.  We have 6 kids in the living room so I am going to read in the dining room.  My headache is getting worse because it is so loud in here.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

A Day in the Life

A day in the life of... hmmm... me?  I don't know.  It sounded neat so that is the title for this post.  Not much is really happening tonight.  I had 3 lessons and both Calli and Tasha practiced piano so there was music all over the house.  Now, I am at my desk in the music room with Peony by my side.  She is such a tired girl today as she took a long walk to get her nails trimmed.  Peony must inspect everything so she goes from side to side instead of walking straight ahead.  It is kind of funny but it is something that has to be worked on.  Her nails are nicely trimmed now so she won't scratch us anymore.  Q's were done too.  Heather BT took Peony on a bike ride in the new basket she has for her but she jumped out and ended up hanging on by her harness.  Heather BT stopped the bike right away so Peony could get back into the bike basket.  Basically, it did not turn out as planned so on to plan B for them.

I haven't ridden a bike in so long.  I don't even think at this point I really remember how to balance myself.  I don't have a bike either so it isn't like I could try.  I used to like riding my bike everywhere, even when I could drive.  When I worked at Arby's, I would often ride my bike to work.  I really enjoyed it a lot.  Then I got in an accident and that really ended the bike riding for me.  Also, I started going straight to dance from work and couldn't ride my bike there anymore either.  I began to spend a lot more time at the dance studio.  I think at one point I was there 6 days a week for about 7 years.  Sunday was the only day I wasn't and that was the day I did my homework as I was in college at that point.

I am pretty achy in the hands today.  I am not sure exactly why but I am.  I am also really tired but that I do know why.  I was out late last night and I had an early appointment this morning for an ultrasound and blood test.  That is why I am so tired.  I did take a nap when I came home but interrupted sleep isn't always good sleep.  I was pretty awake most of the day, I am just now getting tired.  I think Peony has the right idea, sleeping.  The ultrasound was for the lump on the right calf.  It is about the size of 3/4 of a golf ball.  It doesn't really hurt or anything, it is just annoying that it is there and my legs are lumpy enough so to add that makes them even lumpier.  I don't expect it to be anything but it is best to have it checked just in case especially with my history of lumps and masses.  In September, I have to have the old right kidney checked out again to make sure it is still not cancer.  I have to have a CT scan and drink that iodine water and possible another biopsy since there are clear cells present.  Clear cells can be cancer.  At this point, mine are not, but Dr. G (the kidney one) said most likely I would have to have another biopsy to double check that they have not grown into cancer cells.  I am okay with the checking of that.  I know that it is rare for women to get kidney cancer but that doesn't mean they don't get it, they just don't get it as much as men do.

It is so peaceful here tonight.  Peony and I are the only ones home right now.  I am enjoying the peace although I do enjoy when everyone is home.  I think I am going to take advantage of the peace and quiet and go and read for a bit before heading for bed.  I foresee going to bed a bit early since I am so tired today.

I think of all the symptoms that comes with fibro, besides pain, maybe even more than pain, it is the fatigue that gets me the most.  I am so tired all the time.  I feel like I am always going against the wind.  I always feel like I need a nap even when I just wake up.  I constantly yawn.  I am never totally with it. I am never fully or wide awake, never.  I could sleep wonderfully and still need more.  I feel like I don't sleep at all most nights.  I wake up so often that sometimes I wonder why I try to sleep at all.  This constant battle with fatigue is so awful.  The pain is bad enough, I can ignore it at times, even the everyday headache, but it is so hard to ignore how tired I am.  Some days, I feel like I am walking through mud just going from my room to the bathroom.  It just shouldn't be like this.  It really shouldn't.  Nothing that should help me sleep works either.  I have tried all the sleep medications and either they did nothing or I got nightmares from them.  I do take Tylenol PM now, which helps some for the first part of the night.  I am grateful for that, but medicine that says it may make me drowsy, I laugh because they don't or rarely do.  I would love a medicine that actually put me to sleep and stayed asleep for 8 hours with waking up refreshed.  I haven't had that in so long I forgot what that is like.  Still, I know it could be worse.  I could not sleep at all and that would be worse.

Well, off to read.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Anxiety and the day off

Yesterday was not a calm day for some reason.  I do not know why, but my anxiety was through the roof.  I was so anxious and I had no reason for it.  I had 2 lessons that went well.  Tasha was here to help with my room and boy do my drawers look wonderful.  The pile of clothes that was next to the chest of drawers is gone and overall the room looks better.  Everyone was home except for Little Man who is at camp and will be home by Sunday.  So, you see, there was no real reason for high anxiety.  It just happens that way.  I don't get it but such is the life with high anxiety.  Today is a bit better, which is good.

I have had a bad headache for the last couple of days so that could explain the higher anxiety, I suppose.  I don't know.  I don't keep track of these things anymore because when I did, there were no real patterns emerging so I stopped keeping track.  I suppose I should start again just in case there is a pattern now but I don't think about it.

Calli had her first piano lesson in a few years.  She is actually quite good.  With the brain damage she has, she did brilliantly.  Calli is playing the symphony no 5 from Beethoven.  I didn't even know I had that song so it is cool that I do have it.  We aren't sure if this is where she should be, but we will know in a few weeks or so.

Peony is learning to "stay".  She just did it for Heather BT.  I am so proud of the little fuzzy doggie.  She is such a smart little girl.  We are going out in a few minutes to pick up my medicine.  I am impressed that all of them are ready as one of them had no refills and had to be approved by the doctor. Well, it must have been right away!  So great for me!  I am so pleased with her overall.  I just love that dog so much!  Calli asked today who I thought was cuter, Peony or Maisy.  I couldn't answer because both are so beautiful in their own way.  I thought Maisy was beautiful and I think Peony is really cute so it is a tough question to answer.  I know that Calli likes Peony better because she doesn't poop where Calli can step in it and she is friendlier to Q (Calli's guide dog) than Maisy was.  Peony loves Q whereas Maisy didn't.  I love how Peony loves Q.  It is so fun to watch them together.  It really is.  they play so nicely together.

I took Peony with me to pick up my prescriptions.  She loves car rides so I take her with me a lot.  Now that everyone is home, she doesn't get to go as often, but that is okay.  Peony still gets to go and that is all that matters.

Outside of Calli, I didn't have any other students today.  Sam was ill and Allison was unavailable.  Peony and I hung out while the others were out.  It was cool.  Peony was very biting today.  I am not sure why.  Sometimes, she gets like that.  She is learning not to bite but boy is it a long process for her.

Tomorrow night I have tea with my friend, Star!!!  I can't wait to see her!  It has been 6 weeks since I have physically seen her.  I have not seen her since Calli became ill and I had other duties to take care of and she was working on her show but tomorrow, we will have tea together!  It will be fun!

Well, I am rather achy tonight, especially since I forgot to take my Advil last night.  It was not a good move on my part. Whoops!  I won't do that again.  I took some earlier but I still ache a lot from last night.  I find if I don't stay on top of the pain, it takes several days to get back on top of it so I am in for a few days of extra achiness.

Off to read more in my book, "Bunheads".  I was a dancer when I was younger so I find this book very interesting.  It is about a ballet dancer in a company in New York and her struggle to get to the top and find love.  I loved ballet although I was into musical theatre.  I do not have the build for ballet, I really don't plus you can't sing in ballet and that was bad since I love to sing.  I was definitely a Broadway girl!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Saturday - a day of children!

I had 5 children spending the night last night.  My friend's 4 children that I was watching and a neighbor friend of the youngest girl, so I had 5.  It wasn't too bad.  They are good kids over all.  I was just awake every hour for some reason.  I don't know why except I was.  I had a lot of pain for some reason.  Who knows?  Anyways, yesterday the 4 children and I had some fun.  We went to Erma's for some frozen custard and then Chipotle's for dinner.  We had Tim Horton's for breakfast today.  All in all, it has been a good couple of days.  They go home tonight.

I miss Peony, she is on vacation with the rest of the family.  I miss my dog!  I miss them too, but I miss the dog.  She is such a good little companion.  I love her so much.  I will confess that it was nice not to have to get up early to take her out  but I would rather have to get up and take her out than not have her here.  She is having a good time with the family from what the videos show.  Peony barked at Lake Michigan when the water would come in.  I had to laugh.  Our poor little dog didn't know what to do with the water so she barked.  Apparently, she is not going to be a water dog.  Peony also did get out twice but Q brought her back into the cabin so she didn't get lost.  Thank goodness she loves Q and wants to be with him all the time.  It is so beautiful to see them play together.  It really is.

Calli is home now and now comes the hard work for her.  She has lots of therapies ahead of her.  I know she will do great though because she is a strong girl and a strong spirit.  We try to give her a strong support system too.  Acer is at camp and will be home soon.  I sure hope he is having a grand old time.  I am sure he is.

I have a medium bad headache today and I am so achy as well as being tired.  I am more tired than usual, I think because I was up every hour last night.  I want to go and see my friend in her show but I am afraid I won't be able to make it because of my headache.  It hurts to even brush my hair.  I tried to take a nap but I couldn't really sleep at that point.  I am going to read in a while.

I got my new contacts this week.  I also finally got my eyes dilated.  I now see an eye specialist because I have macular degeneration in both eyes.  Yes, I am in my mid 40s and I have a 60 year old and up eye disease.  Anyways, I now can read street signs and things such as that.  I still don't like to drive too much at night.  I really don't drive very much at night and usually it is to someplace I already know not a new place.  For reading though, I actually have to wear reading glasses.  Yes, over my contacts I have to wear reading glasses.  yuck.  It is better than not being able to see but still.  I am not sure if the ones I have are the right prescription though.  I will have to check on that.  I think they are but I am not sure.  I have to get new glasses too, bifocals.  Those I will get next month.  I have to order new contacts first because they are 2 week throw aways.

It is quiet now with 2 of the older children with their dad and the 2 smaller children playing with the neighbor children.  I don't mind.  There is some picking up that needs to be done, but other than that, everything is ready for them to head for home.  Their mom is on her way.  She is such a nice woman.  We get along really well.  About once or so a month I watch her children overnight so she can go and visit some friends who live farther away.  I don't mind.  They are good kids.  This month, they came here because I said they could spend the night but it didn't happen before Calli came home so with the family on vacation, it was perfect for them to come and have a special day and night here.  Next month will be at their house without treats.  This was something special.  I can hear the 2 younger ones playing in the front yard with the neighbor kids.  It will be awfully quiet when they go home but I will be able to get a good nap in that I need very much.  Everyone comes home tomorrow, thankfully!  I can't wait to hug everyone and Peony!  I never realized how much company she was until Thursday when she was gone a full day.  She really is good company.  I love playing with her.  She is 9 months now.  We think she has gone about an inch.  She still is about 10 pounds though.  I am very careful with what I feed her because people food doesn't go good with her at all.  Peony has a very sensitive stomach.  If you give her people food, she will throw it up later, I can guarantee it.  Tuesday, she got into the chocolate chip cookies that Heather BT left on her bed and Wednesday she threw it all up.  It always is the next day she throws up too, rarely on that day.  I can't believe I can calmly clean it up too because that used to gross me out like nothing!  But I just calmly get some towels and the carpet cleaner and clean it up.  Then I take her and rub her tummy and pet her so she feels okay.  Usually, Peony is very tired after that.  I miss that little doggie.

Well, I am going to read for a bit.  I don't know what book I want to read, but I will pick something.  The new Danielle Steel book doesn't come out until July 22.  I like hers mostly.  They are good, fun chick lit.  Some are better than others but overall they are decent.  It isn't hard reading or reading that requires a lot of thinking and sometimes that is exactly what I need like right now for example.  So off to reading.  (Yes, with the reading glasses on)

Monday, July 14, 2014

An Amazing Day

Today is the day we have been waiting for.  Calli came home.  Yes, she sure did!  With style too, in a beautiful dress.  I am so thankful that she is home.

I also have much anxiety today too.  I wanted everything to be just so for her.  The kids were here to help and they did a bit but Tasha did the most.  The other three really just hung out and played while Tasha and I did some work.  They irritated each other and then because my anxiety is so high today, I actually yelled at them.  Something I have never really done but I did.  I told their mom and she said they deserved it and she was fine with that.  I am glad about that.  My anxiety is going down now but my heart is still racing a bit, which will take longer to calm down.

It is supposed to get colder this week.  They said really cold for summer but so far it really is just fine.  I hope it stays that way.  We had such a cold winter that I am just enjoying the warmth of summer.  Many days it is beautiful and not too hot.  I love sitting outside with Peony and watching her play in the grass.  She has been such a major blessing.  I had thought I wanted a dog just like Maisy, another Brussels Griffon, but now I am glad she is different and doesn't look anything like Maisy.  Maisy will always have a place in my heart but Peony is her own dog and I love it.  She is such a good dog too.  Peony is learning new things all the time.  She follows me a lot.  Today, she is learning to stay off of the blue ottoman that is right next to me.  Yup, she needs to not go on it but she loves to go on it.  The next thing is going to be our beds.  She still goes on mine no matter what I say.  I figure in a few weeks of all of us being home and working with her, she won't do that anymore.  I love her so much.

My headache is worse than normal today.  I think the raised anxiety has made it higher than usual.  It happens and I get through it so I will this one too.

Here is a picture of the Peony girl.  I am not sure if I posted one yet.





P.S.  the stuff that is in behind here is no longer there!  Tasha helped me put it away so that I can get to all of my music in the filing cabinets.  This is Peony on about the 2nd day we got her.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Bruising Like Crazy!!!!

For some reason, I am bruising like crazy.  Sometimes, I bruise for no reason.  Now, I do take coumiden but I have been for 8 1/2 years and I have never bruised like this before, never.  I have had my levels checked once last week, 2 times this week.  All 3 times say the same.  I am in therapeutic range and okay.  So, why am I bruising?  On to more testing.  I saw my family doctor this week and he is checking some stuff that he will send over to my hematologist.  I also so the hematologist.  I have a lump on my right calf that I will have an ultrasound next week for it.  He thinks it is either fatty tissue or a cyst, both of which is no big deal so that is good.  The bruising, however, he is majorly concerned with.  I have to keep an eye on my back, chest, and stomach because if I am bruising there, it is a big problem.  So far, I don't think so.  I don't know about my back as I don't look but I have a mirror so I will check tonight.  Both doctors have taken blood to see what the blood counts and things say.  I should have all results by the beginning of next month.  It may mean nothing, but it is best to check it out.

I have a happy Acer today.  Yesterday, we went to the store for his first reward of being polite and good sportsmanship.  He has been working very hard on this for about 2 weeks now.  I have been on him constantly and I mean constantly.  His first reaction to most thing is no or rudeness.  He doesn't really mean to be rude, but it comes out that way a lot.  He is a nice young man and is sweet and generous and very loving.  I just decided after hearing him and his friends that I was not putting up with all of their rudeness this summer and their poor sportsmanships so I started working on it with Acer.  His friends are also working on it, the older two (15 and 12) are helping the littler ones and Acer so that is a big help to me.  It is also much more pleasant to be around them all when they are like that.  The funny thing is, is that Angus (the 15 year old) had put in his Amazon.com cart the exact same bowling set for Acer that I bought yesterday!!!!  Isn't that a hoot?  I thought so.  Acer has been playing bowling ever since we came home with the set.  He loves it and I am glad that he does.  I like a happy boy.  Overall, he IS a happy boy.  It is just sometimes hard to see underneath the grumpy boy he can also be.

My head has been aching so much more lately.  I am not sure if it is the changes in the weather or what but oh my, it is insane.  I actually had to tell Acer's friends that they couldn't come over yesterday.  I just didn't feel well enough to have them over.  I know that they understood, but still, I don't like having to say no you can't come over.  My hips and lower back have been more achy too especially the hips.  The weather has been hot and cold then hot and cold again.  I know that has a bit to do with it but I also think the stress and anxiety of worrying about Calli has a lot to do with it too.  She is getting better!  Somewhere between 3 days and 2 weeks she will be coming home.  I can't wait.  I really can't.  I want to hug her and be able to talk to her even if she can't talk back that is okay.

I am learning how to cook this summer.  Acer has decided that I need to learn how to cook.  He wants me to make Taco Soup first so tomorrow, he and I will be heading to the store to get the ingredients we need.  He will be so surprised.  I hope it tastes good.  I hope I feel well enough to make it.  It seems rather easy.  Brown the meat and onions, use taco seasoning (we have that here at home), put in ranch seasoning, add tomatoes, and use cheese.  There may be a few other things but this is what I have by memory.  I don't have the recipe right in front of me.  I got it from cooks.com.  Acer also wants me to make Apple Pie.  He is going to camp soon for a little bit so he will be having fun there.  He loves camp and I am glad that he does.  His camps sound so cool, like camps I would have love to have gone to as a child.  I did like the camps that I went to when I was a girl scout and as a teen but his sound just as fun.

I have now lost 46 pounds!!!  I am so happy about this.  I just wish it was faster!!!  I know, if it is slow, it is better, I am just impatient right now but hey, that is just me, right?  I am glad my weight is finally going in the down position instead of up, up, up, and more up.  That was so scary because no matter what I did, it didn't make a difference.  Then Momma died.  Then I stopped caring.  Then I stopped eating properly.  Then I gained more weight.  Then came the amitryptiline or however you spell it.  I gained the last of the 25 pounds from that.  Overall, I gained 80 pounds from Lyrica and 25 from Amitryptiline not to mention the weight I gained all by myself without the help of medicine.  I now will no longer take any medicine that has a side effect of weight gain no matter how good it works.  I refuse to take it.  I flat out refuse.  I just won't take the stuff.  I can't afford to gain anymore weight, not when I have about 100 more pounds to lose.

Well, Mr. Impatient, otherwise known as Acer, is waiting for me to play bowling with him so I am going to end this now.