Monday, April 20, 2015

back to blogging and the anxiety filled week ahead

My desktop computer has died.  Yup, it breathed its last breath last month and well, needless to say I have been at my wits end with it.  Everything was up to date on it, pictures, my bank account, my music catalogue, and oh my.  Well, I have this beautiful little laptop that is one year older than the desktop and it still works.  That is what I am currently using.  I am dreading updating the catalogue though because it was up to date on the big one and not this one.  If only it would start up once more so I can copy the catalogue and pictures.  Alas, it won't.

Anyways, that was then, this is now.

My students are going to perform for the big Earth Day festival this weekend and my anxiety is rather high about it.  We have never done this before.  I am excited about it too, but nervous at the same time. We had the last rehearsal yesterday and things went okay.  Nothing spectacular but not horrible either.  Each knows what to work on so I feel that Sunday will go well, it's just that my anxiety is high.  I am working on trying to stay calm and I am doing okay with that so that is good.

Spring is finally here!!  We FINALLY seem to be done with snow.  I am so tired of snow and cold.  I got a sinus infection about a week and a half ago but it is almost gone so that is also good.  I was out for 5 days.  I just couldn't do anything but sleep, including teaching.  Yup, I was that bad.  I think I slept for 5 days straight.  We had rehearsal for one of the days and Bob pretty much ran it for me.  I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't.  I was so dizzy and foggy not to mention I felt horrible.  I am on the mend and boy am I glad about that!

So, other than the Earth Day festival, not to much going on around here.  Peony is doing well.  She is such good company when I have high anxiety.  She really is.  Peony is such a beautiful dog.  I love her so much.

I do hope you are enjoying your spring!!!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

bad headache day

Sometimes I wish I could just take a magic wand and wave it over my head to banish my headache away.  It would be nice, wouldn't it?  Of course, we all don't live in the world of Harry Potter or any other magical land so it is not possible.  It is simply a fantasy.

Peony and I tried, well, okay, I tried to take another nap today but Peony kept me up.  When everyone comes home I will try again.  I will take my break through meds and head for bed.  It just stinks that it is so bad.  The back of my head has been the worst lately.

I do hope it gets better.

Peony helps my anxiety a lot.  Here is another great picture of her.  I hope you like it.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

A New Year!

Happy New Year!!!  I do hope that 2015 is a great year for all of us!!!

My goal is to work on anxiety.  I am not saying that I am getting off my medication and will be able to control it all by my little onesy.  No, no, no, I am saying that the part that I can control, I am going to work on controlling better.  I am not going to try to get off my meds at this point.  Without them, I would be a wreck and well I know it because when I lost the music store in August 2008, I literally, overnight had to stop most of my medicine due to no prescription coverage and that meant no anxiety medicine.  I survived until right after my mother died.  At that point, I was a mess, a complete and utter mess.  I went to see my doctor and he prescribed me my medicine.  He was floored that I stopped cold turkey and didn't tell him.  He is such a caring doctor.  He said I need to speak to him about these things because there are things we can do to help.  Well, I didn't know and at the time, I was so depressed I couldn't think.  I just couldn't.  I know better now.

Christmas Eve and Day were wonderful.  I spent them with Kathy and her family at her parents place.  It was so lovely.  I really enjoyed myself.  The kids loved what they got and I got 2 gift certificates that I loved.  It was awesome.

I was very wiped out between Christmas and New Year's.  I slept quite a bit because of it.  I think I had just pushed myself too much for the holiday getting everything done.

New Year's Eve, we had friends over and it was great fun.  We played games and I managed to stay up until midnight.  Of course, I was exhausted on New Year's Day but Peony and I took a nap and that took care of that.

Since then, I have been battling major fatigue again.  I am not sure if it is because of the cold or what.  I have had to give up caffeine as it adds to my stomach issues so I don't know if that is part of the problem or not.  I no longer drink caffeinated drinks unless I am out and forget to order milk, which is what I prefer with a meal anyway but sometimes I forget.  I still get an upset stomach every night even with the giving up of foods that cause acid so I am not sure what will happen when I see my tummy doctor next week.  Perhaps we will be looking at my gallbladder?  I just don't know.  It is very hard to say.

Anyways, it has been a nice weekend.  Kathy celebrated her birthday yesterday by not going out.  I called to wish her happy birthday.  It was very cold yesterday.  We are in January and well, January can get rather chilly here. Stay warm!

Friday, December 5, 2014


I can't believe it is December.  Somehow I think that every month, don't I?  Well, time has a way of getting away from me.

As it is getting colder out here, my arthritis is not a happy camper.  It isn't too bad right now but I can tell that it isn't happy about being cold.  I will dress warmer and make sure that I am wearing weather appropriate clothing especially if I need a hoodie or not.  I love my hoodies.  They are the best.  I have several that are just so cute.  Three are from Disney.  One is white and says Flirt.  It is a Tinkerbell one. Another is Red and has Mickey on it.  Lastly is gray and says one world, one mouse.  I love that one.  I love my hoodies!!!  The other ones go with different jeans and outfits.  They are different colors and are really cute too.  i am definitely a hoodie girl.

I was taking some pictures of Peony yesterday.  She is my favorite subject, I think.  I have so many of her.  I am sure there are days when she is like, seriously?  Do you have to take my picture yet again?  don't you have enough of them?  I would say poor doggie, but I don't feel bad as I am the one who takes the constant pictures of her.  My new phone plan lets me post directly on to facebook so I don't have to do what I used to, so that is good.

I have been really enjoying the chair in my room at night for reading.  Peony has been coming in and vegging in my room with me.  She plays with her toys and then sleeps a bit before bedtime.  It is such a neat thing.  She is such a cute dog.  Peony will go between me and my housemates too, which I find interesting.  I love how she does that.  She also knows that I am partially deaf because when I don't go to the door to see who comes in and she does, she comes back to me to make sure I know someone came in.  It is very reassuring to know she will not let anyone in without me knowing.

I am working on puppets for my students for their Christmas gifts.  Tomorrow I will be heading to friends to work on them with them.  It will be fun, I think.  They are good kids and I think we will have fun making them.  I never realized how much pinking material really hurts my arthritis in my hands, but  boy oh boy, does it.  I was going to finish it tonight, but now I am not.  I will do it tomorrow.  I need 29 puppets.  I have 29 pieces of cloth, 30 balls for the head, and 100 sticks for the arms, so I am all set.  I have the one puppet for display to show me what I want it to look like.  I am very excited about this craft as it is totally different from anything I have ever done before and with the kids helping me, it should be lots of fun too.  A few, I am only making kits for because on Christmas Day we will be making them together.  That would be Kathy's children.  This will give us something fun to do on Christmas Day besides play play play together.  The kids are such nice kids.  The Ellers, as we call them, are the ones helping me so in fact, they are making their own presents but they won't mind as they are wonderful children.  I am excited to see them tomorrow.

I feel like my fibro is finally a bit more under control, pain wise.  I am not so sure fatigue wise, because some days I am fine, others I am not.  It all depends on the day.  It really does.  Adding in the one medicine in August when I was in the hospital really made a big difference to my headaches too.  The Gabapentin seems to help a lot with the nerve pain I didn't even know I had.  I do know now since I feel better, but I didn't then.  My neck doesn't seem to hurt as much, which is a big relief.

Well, kids will be home soon and Acer will need his lesson.  Calli and Acer are working on a duet for the concert so we will be practicing that too.  I can't believe the recital is next Saturday!  I feel so behind!

Friday, November 28, 2014


Thanksgiving was good.  I went to a friend's house with another friend in tow and we had a lot of fun.  it was a bit dicey driving home at first because it was black ice, but then it cleared up and we were fine. I got home and let the Peony girl out since she had been crated for several hours then she and I snuggled in my bed before everyone else came home.

I wanted to post new pictures of Peony I took recently, but my scan card is not working so I have to get another one.  I will do that this week.  Poor little card.  I must have these pictures!  It must have gotten damaged during the storm that damaged the phone a bit last fall.  She looks so cute in her new pictures! Okay - yes, I simply adore my dog!

This was a tough year for me, but still, I am really thankful for so many good things in my life: family, friends, pets, students and their families, and last but not the least, a roof over my head.  Thanks to the generosity of my friends, we will not lose the house.  I am floored by how they came together to help us keep the house which in fact also keeps me teaching as I teach here at home.  I know I don't teach full time, and won't until they find a cure or a medicine without massive side effects, but still, I need to teach the bit I do.

I hope your Thanksgiving was awesome too!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Fibro and the looming possible house foreclosure

We are in danger of losing the house.  We are short $2058 to stop foreclosure proceedings.  I can pay the monthly payments but I have yet to figure out how to pay the back stuff.  Yeah, that would be the issue.  I had hoped that in the safe deposit box would be some sellable jewelry, there isn't just mom's pearls, which are going to Abigail, and my necklace, and a few other things but nothing we can sell.  We did find $124 Canadian but that paid for the drilling of the safe deposit box so that brings us back to well, the beginning.

My anxiety is high, I will admit and the pain levels are high too.  I expected this because of the situation I am in.  I don't want to sell the house, which is the extremely very very very very very last resort because I will not only lose my home, but my livelihood, teaching as I teach at home.  The house is set up to teach and where else would I be able to teach?  There are no studios in the area hiring (I tried) and apartments around here are not conducive for teaching plus I don't know how I would afford an apartment on disability alone so basically, I will be homeless, literally, if I don't somehow someway come up with a plan.

So I did.  I will be talking to housemates this weekend but also I took a suggestion from a friend about setting up a account.  I don't have super high expectations but so far, someone has donated $50 so hey, that is $50 more than what I had earlier.  I am thrilled.  I mean, I am so thankful for this help.  I sure hope we do get more because this past summer was the worst.  First Calli got super duper sick, then I got sick, it was just a horrible cycle of bad things.  Now that things are back to normal, we stuck with this.  I didn't even know because I have been speaking to the bank this whole time and well, they led me to mistakenly believe that because I was making regular payments again, that we were fine.  I was wrong.  I didn't ask the right questions.  I know better.  I have made some changes here at home that will prevent this from ever happening again so I feel better about that.  I just need to somehow, someway get the rest of the money.

I am open to suggestions.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

The Anniversary of Momma's passing

Well, the most hated day of the year has past and I survived with flying colors!  For all my paralyzing fear of the day, October 18, I was fine.  It was even a fun day as after lessons we drove to our friend's house and had dinner there.  It was really good.

My anxiety goes into overdrive when the date of October 18 rolls around and as it inches closer, well, more and more fear creeps into me causing the extreme paralyzing fear.  This year makes the 4th year since Momma passed away.  I don't think she would be happy with the paralyzing fear but I also don't think she would be surprised since she did know what my anxiety was like.  I get this way around her birthday too.  It is just insane.  It isn't like those are the only 2 days a year that I think and remember her, I think of her everyday.

I am proud that I did do well on that day.  We had things planned and that was good but I didn't feel the urge to lie down and cry all day either, which is what I did the first 2 years after Momma died.  All I did the first year, I think, was cry.

I talked to Heather BT about this paralyzing fear and she said when I feel it coming on to speak with her so I will.  She is very calm and can help me calm the fear with such good things.  I am so thankful.  Kathy is the same way.

Here is an absolutely adorable picture of the Peony girl doggie.  She makes everything bright in my life.  I never knew, until Maisy, how wonderful a dog's love could be.  Here is also a picture of Maisy.  I miss her, but she is in Heaven with Momma so Momma isn't lonely for me.  Maisy is the top picture and Peony is the bottom picture.

I love them both soooooo much!!!!!  Peony is such a friendly little one.  Maisy was friendly to kids and women.  She was so afraid of men.  Dogs just fill my heart full of love!!!!!!