It has been 4 long days since the little lady died. My anxiety is through the roof to say the least. She was so good at keeping my anxiety down and now it is so up. My mind plays tricks on me with the could of, should of, and would ofs. What ifs, what if I didn't bring her, would she have thrown up at home? What if she threw up on the ground and not the car seat? Things like this. This is what my anxiety does to me. It was very very very bad last night but better today. I am able to think more clearly today than I was last night. I find the house too quiet without her snorting around even with children in the house.
I was smiling earlier remembering her ninja moves. We called her a ninja dog because she would "ninja" food from the table so quietly, you wouldn't even know she was there. One time, she ate my fish sticks and potatoes but left the carrots while I was teaching. Yeah. I came to the table to eat my dinner and it was gone. She was sitting on the floor, wagging her tail, looking super cute and innocent. Well, that innocent girl wasn't so innocent. Maisy left a telltale sign, a hair on my plate. Apparently, Acer had left his chair out and that was how she got on the table. What a little stinker she was. I would say though, she gave us much love and so many stories about her, just so many.
We are looking at getting a new pet. It won't replace Maisy as no one can but we think it will be better for us. Maisy is my first love of a dog so how could I ever forget my first love? I think the way to honor her, is to get a new pet, another one who needs love too. Maisy was so loved and she gave such love. I uploaded a bunch of photos that I took of her last month on my facebook page. Last night, when my anxiety was so high, I was looking at the pictures on my phone. It helped a bit, but oh my, I just ache for her. I physically ache for her just like I did when I lost Momma. I never knew it would hurt this much but when you love so much, I guess that is the price you pay when they go to Heaven. I would not have missed this for the world though. Maisy taught me so much about love and life that I will never regret loving her as much as I did. Never. This pain is worth the price of loving her so much. I wish everyone could have known Maisy like I did. She was so wonderful, yes, there were times when she was frustrating, I mean, she was a dog after all, but overall, she filled me with joy and happiness. She really helped me get out of the depression I was in after Momma died. Between her and my housemates, that is what brought me back to life. I so wanted to die. I wanted to be with Momma. I didn't want to live. I just didn't.
I hope my anxiety calms down this evening and lets me sleep. It hasn't let me sleep too much, add that to the missing of Maisy and you have an overly exhausted Heather. I did sleep a bit last night after I came back down and was talking to a friend online. I am seeing my friend, Star tonight so I hope that will help me sleep tonight. Maisy never really slept in my bed unless the other Heather wasn't home so I don't miss her sleeping next to me, I just miss her all over. With the new one, we are going to not let him sleep on our beds or climb on the furniture. Of course, we did say that about Maisy and I must confess that it didn't last very long so yeah, we shall see. Acer and Heather BT went to see a little guy on Tuesday and we find out tomorrow if we get him. They were the only ones of the applications that went to physically see him but there are other applications for him. If we don't, we will find someone. I am trying not to get my hopes up. It is hard, but I am trying. I don't think I can handle a major disappointment on top of my grief for Maisy.
As for the fibro pain? I totally forgot how grief can make you ache more! Same with the everyday headache! I am physically and mentally a mess right now, but I will get through because I know I will. I have to. I will always love Maisy and she will always be first in my heart. I told her everyday how much I loved her. I know I have room in my heart to love another because of her. It is all because of her.
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