The Anniversary of Momma's passing

Well, the most hated day of the year has past and I survived with flying colors!  For all my paralyzing fear of the day, October 18, I was fine.  It was even a fun day as after lessons we drove to our friend's house and had dinner there.  It was really good.

My anxiety goes into overdrive when the date of October 18 rolls around and as it inches closer, well, more and more fear creeps into me causing the extreme paralyzing fear.  This year makes the 4th year since Momma passed away.  I don't think she would be happy with the paralyzing fear but I also don't think she would be surprised since she did know what my anxiety was like.  I get this way around her birthday too.  It is just insane.  It isn't like those are the only 2 days a year that I think and remember her, I think of her everyday.

I am proud that I did do well on that day.  We had things planned and that was good but I didn't feel the urge to lie down and cry all day either, which is what I did the first 2 years after Momma died.  All I did the first year, I think, was cry.

I talked to Heather BT about this paralyzing fear and she said when I feel it coming on to speak with her so I will.  She is very calm and can help me calm the fear with such good things.  I am so thankful.  Kathy is the same way.



Here is an absolutely adorable picture of the Peony girl doggie.  She makes everything bright in my life.  I never knew, until Maisy, how wonderful a dog's love could be.  Here is also a picture of Maisy.  I miss her, but she is in Heaven with Momma so Momma isn't lonely for me.  Maisy is the top picture and Peony is the bottom picture.

I love them both soooooo much!!!!!  Peony is such a friendly little one.  Maisy was friendly to kids and women.  She was so afraid of men.  Dogs just fill my heart full of love!!!!!!

headaches

It is quiet here today and I am enjoying it.  Peony is here with me on and off, depending on what she decides to do.  It is quit cute when she prances here and there.  It is fun to watch her walk because she actually prances more than walks.

I don't have lessons today because it is Sunday and most Sundays I don't have lessons.  I went to breakfast with Tilley, Lia, and Luana this morning.  It was fun.  I hadn't seen them in a while so it was nice to catch up with them.  Lia had her baby since I last saw her, Logan.  I have seen pictures and oh my, he is so cute!  I can't wait to see him in person.  I am not sure when that will be, but I am sure it will be soon.

It has been just Will (our friend who is visiting), Peony, and I this weekend.  I have enjoyed the quiet but I am ready for everyone to come home.  I read a lot yesterday with Peony next to me on the couch. I liked that a lot and then we went upstairs to my room.  She was laying on my bed for a couple of hours while I read some more.  She also spent some time with Will in the afternoon and this morning while I was at breakfast.  Peony is going back and forth between us now, which is funny.

For some odd reason, I have had a problem with my left calf/shin and my foot going numb when I am sitting in a chair.  I have a stool for my feet to sit on because otherwise both my legs go numb but this has not really happened before.  I don't get it.  When I sit on my bed, it is the right calf/shin and foot that goes numb.  It is really weird.  I know it isn't anything serious but boy is it annoying.  They don't hurt, they just go numb.

I have the yearly appointment with the kidney doctor tomorrow to check on the mass on my kidney.  A part of me is worried and a part of me is not.  Last year, I had to have a biopsy because they thought they saw cancer cells on the mass.  It hasn't changed sizes in 6 years so I don't think it will, but there is that small voice in the back of my head that says, what if?  I am trying to ignore that small voice.  So far, during the day, I can but at night, well, that sometimes is a losing battle.  I had the CT scan on Wednesday so he will have the results tomorrow.  I have not asked anyone to attend the appointment with me because I don't think it is necessary unlike last year when they thought I had kidney cancer.  I do hope to avoid the whole biopsy thing this year.  It didn't hurt too bad but I lost a whole day of teaching and I would prefer not to do that especially if the mass hasn't changed sizes.  Of course, if it has grown, that is a whole other issue and I won't complain about a biopsy.

I have an appointment with my hematologist on Wednesday.  It is really just a check up on my protime.  My blood has been up and down for about 6 weeks now so I have been having to go every week because of that.  Also, he has been doing a few other tests because of the massive amount of bruising I have been having.  So far, it is because of the medicine I take and that is okay compared to what it could be.  I haven't bruised too much in the past couple of weeks though so I think that is good.

Next Monday, I have an appointment with the tummy doctor.  In the hospital, they stopped my reglan medicine because I began to have tremors.  I haven't since.  I don't know if it is because they gave it to me directly into the IV or when they gave it to me or how often.  I just don't know but I need to speak with the doctor on that.  My stomach has not been the same since because the reglan actually helps digest my food and I do need it.  So since then my stomach has been upset more often than not.  I think that is the last of the appointments of the month.  I sure hope so!  I am so tired of doctors and I see so many.  I think I have 8 specialists (including the 2 I see once a year) and my general doctor.  It is just insane but there isn't anything I can do about it.

My headaches have been worse again at night, especially at the back of the head.  My neck is better since the starting of the gabapentin but not the headaches.  I get so discouraged at how bad they get at night and early morning.  So many mornings my best sleep starts at about 6 am.  So far nothing has worked to eliminate them or even reduce them enough to sleep better.  I wake up every 2 or 3 hours as it is to roll over from the leg pain of fibro, add the headache pain, and I don't sleep very much.  It is just awful.  At least I can function during the day and I am grateful for that.  I just want to be able to sleep better at night.  When I was in the hospital, I slept all day and night so when I came home that is what I did for 3 days.  I also was very dizzy and extremely exhausted.  I felt like I was walking through mud.  After a week, I felt better, and I am back to normal, I just wish they would have found the miracle to stop the headaches.  I don't think there is one right now.  It is really hard to do things like sleep, when your head hurts so much.