My parents divorced when I was around 8-9 years old, it was so hard on us three kids. Mom took each of us out individually so she could talk about stuff with her. I was first as I was having major meltdowns every time she walked out the door and it didn't matter why. She could be going to the store or school or the Armories, it didn't matter where. We went to McDonald's for our special time together. At the end of our chat, Mom pinky promised that she would not move anywhere without me too. Mom said that we were a team, Mom me, and my two brothers. Mom kept her promise. She never left us. Even at the end, when she passed.away. she had Alzheimer's Disease. Mom was heading into the last stage of Alzheimer's, stage 7.
We visited our dad only a few times after he moved out. He did get remarried right after the divorce. I think I may have been about 10 years old the last time I spoke with him. I can only remember a tiny bit of some of the visits. I don't remember this, however, apparently, the last time he did call us, he had asked us if we wanted to move in with him. I do vaguely telling him I didn't want to live on a farm. Both boys agreed. I guess when we did that, our dad decided to shut us out of his life, mind, and heart, only at the time we didn't know that.
It was zero communication for about the next 41 years. I had written a letter to my dad. No answer.
In 2008, I joined Facebook. I really liked it because I made friends differs groups I had joined and I found friends I hadn't since in years and years. Started around 2017, I would randomly put my dad's name in under the find friends as well as my step mother's day is name. Some time in 2017-2018, one night I put my step mother's name and my step mother's profile popped up! I was so excited. I found my dad. I had been looking for him for years. At first it was really good. I did eventually block my step mother on Facebook. It was better that way. It really began to get harder for me to speak with them on a regular basis because of the mean things that they were saying to me about my mother. I even told them that mom had never said anything derogatory about either one of them, which is true. All she would say is, he is your father. Unfortunately, it was not reciprocated until after my dad died. It was very hurtful to hear from my step mother that according to her my dad never loved my mother and he only married her because he felt sorry for her. It made me feel like I was born out of hate in the family, not love. I asked my 2 uncles about this and they said that my mom and dad were in love so we were born out of love.
My step mother found my half sister in 2020. This was a dream come true. We hope to see each other in person this spring. A few years ago, I was talking to my step mother around my dad's and my step sister's birthday that it wouldn't make any difference to my dad if we talked to him or if we didn't. It was at the moment, I realized that I had been chasing my father who didn't want to be my dad.
He passed away a couple years ago. It was so weird to hear that he passed away and then to be asked if I wanted to be listed in his Obituary. I said yes. I wanted to be a acknowledged, I didn't want to be erased again. That is how I felt. My other siblings made their own choices.
After he died, my step mother stopped saying mean things about my mom. She misses my dad so much, which I can understand. They were married for 46 years years. It was difficult for me to hear all the time what a good man and dad he was. This was his 3rd marriage and while yes, I am glad he learned how to be a good husband, he wasn't a good husband to my mother or my half sister's mother. He may have been a good dad to my 2 step sisters and a good grandfather to my step sisters' children, I am glad he was to them, however, again, he wasn't for the four of us. You have to be present to be a good dad. He wasn't.
After he passed away, I did keep in touch with my step mother. I called her my bonus mom. She really doesn't like the "step mother" title so that is when started calling her my bonus mom. I really did try to be as understanding as I could, right now though, I need a break from hearing how good of a man my dad was. I just had to take a break. My heart couldn't take knowing that my father loved my two step sisters, yet not his four children. I just couldn't. He abandoned me, us. Some scars take decades to heal. Being abandoned hasn't healed yet.
Who knows, maybe 2025 is the year it finally gets worked through. I can always hope!
No comments:
Post a Comment