Was I a Mistake?

 March 24, 2025

For as long as I can remember I have thought at times I have thought God had made a big mistake when He made me.  I can remember when I was around 5 there would be nights where I would cry most of the night.  My mother would be holding me most of the night.  I would rarely go to school the next day because I would be so exhausted and my eyes would be very swollen.  This would happen a couple of times a year. I would sleep all morning and when I woke up, I would be okay.

It took years and years and years for me to believe that I was not a mistake.  Unfortunately, it wasn't until I tried to kill myself. The first time I tried, I was a junior in high school.  I Took a bottle of meds.  It was not pleasaant when I was brought to the hospital.  This was also my first flare up with Fibromyalgia. The last time I called my older brother before I  was going to take anything. He saved my life that night.  He stayed on the phone with me until our mother came home from Toronto.  

I have had extremely bad anxiety all my life.  I now know that a good percentage of my anxiety is from my ADHD.  I was only diagnosed with ADHD in 2021 or 2022. I have been fighting an eating disorder since I was 14 when my pediatrician put me on a 400 calories a day diet. It is extremely difficult to only eat 400 calories a day.  Hence the beginning of my fight with Bulimia.  (This was in the early 80's so the thinking of diets was completely different than today) I had to get weighed every week.  My mother had to keep track for the doctor.  Eventually, my mother came to realize that 400 calories a day was not good for me and stopped with weekly weigh-ins, especially when I started with the Fibromyalgia.  Things got a whole lot better then. 

Knowing your worth is so important.  I finally learned my worth about middle junior year at Wayne State. I can't remember what song I sang to anymore. I would get told that I was really dumb. I wasn't as pretty as some of my friends.