Saturday, December 14, 2013

Christmas Season and anxiety

I have high anxiety.  It goes along with fibro.  Thankfully, I do not have the depression.  Yes, after Momma died, I was depressed and grieving but that depression was more of a grieving type than a fibro type.  The last few Christmases have been VERY hard on me with her gone.  She died in October 2010 so the first one was awful, simply awful.  I went to the family party and felt like a stranger in my own family.  I left early because I couldn't take the pain of it.  I cried the entire drive home.  By the way, it is not recommended to cry while driving.  It is a difficult thing to do but I did it.

This year, I find that I am not having a rough time of it.  I still miss mom, I still ache from her not being here, and I still ache from fibro, but I think having my friend, Heather BT and her family here has definitely improved my anxiety overall and I have been enjoying this season of cheer.  Calli and Acer are delightful children and they make me smile, most of the time.  When the are not misbehaving or being bratty anyway, which most of the time they are not, they are usually really good kids.  Having people in the house that I like has helped too.  Heather BT and I have known each other since we were in our early 20s and then drifted apart.  We reconnected in 2009 right after Calli came home from China.  I am so glad too.  We get along rather well as do her hubby, Bill and I do.  We each have our duties and roles in the family and it works well.  I do dishes and Calli helps when she can.  Heather BT does my laundry and it is a darn good thing too because, well, to be honest, I really suck at laundry, I just simply suck at it.  She makes my stuff come back in good condition and nice and clean and all that good stuff.

Painwise, I am still having major issues with headaches.  I did go to the arthritis doctor and the gastro doctor this week.  The pain that I thought was my hip is not my hip.  The arthritis doctor thinks it is the colon.  I asked the gastro doctor about it and she thinks it is muscular/skeletal so basically, fibro.  Yeah for that.  It isn't all the time just some of the time.  If it becomes all the time, then I will need to have it looked into because it really hurts when it comes, it is excruciating pain, simply excruciating.  Fortunately, it goes away rather quickly and then I am fine but it stops me in my tracks when it arrives.  usually, it is at night after I have been lying on that side for a while or when I have been sitting for a bit.  It is not linked to meals or anything like that so that is why the gastro doctor doesn't think it is the colon.  I do have diverticulitis though and both said that that can be painful at times.  I have to be on the lookout for infection, which I am.

Miss Maisy is here sitting next to me looking outside at a winter wonderland.  It snowed a few inches last night.  I don't need to go out until much later to return some stuff I bought that I don't need.  If I don't do it tonight, that is fine too.  I can go another day.  It looks so pretty out but I am not sure how the driving would be.  I am sure it isn't too bad though otherwise no one would be leaving their homes and my neighbors have been driving up and down our street all day.  I am on one of the main streets in our neighborhood so I would notice this and also, Maisy barks every time a car drives by.  She is such a cutie, a definitely barky girl, but super cute too.  She is standing vigilantly at the window watching for cars going by.

I think what has helped the most for my anxiety this year, after my housemates, is the furbabies.  Q is Calli's guide dog but when he is not working, he is a family dog but he does hang out with Calli most.  He was most unhappy with her today as she was outside shoveling snow while he was inside.  Not a happy dog, not at all.  Maisy is Heather BT's little 18 pound dog.  She is so adorable and while Heather BT is her number 1 person, I am her number 2 person.  Maisy has lowered my anxiety a lot too because when I get to anxious, I go and pick her up and snuggle with her.  I can feel my anxiety leaving my body when I do that.  Nothing lowers it faster than snuggling with Maisy, nothing I found yet anyway, even medicine.  I have moved a blue ottoman next to my chair at the computer for her to sit on and look outside.  She knows this is her seat and loves it.  I didn't even hear her come up and didn't know she had until she took her little paw to tell me it was time to pet her.  I did.  I snuggled up with her.  She is not always a well behaved dog too but we have to take the good with the bad, don't we?

Sammy is coming over to help decorate the tree.  I only have the little one up because I just didn't want to deal with the big one this year.  Next year I will deal with the big one, just not this year.  She should be here soon.  Sammy is a wonderful student who helps me so much.  She helps put music away, get music out, and things like that.  She is a wonderful organizer, which I so need help on.  I am not the most organized person.  I so try to be, but it just fails.  I have her to help for another year then off to college she goes!

Well, Sam should be here any minute.  I am also getting tired.  I think Maisy and I will take a brief nap until she gets here.  It is snuggle doggy time.

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