I don't know what it is, but every since I was a child, I always have a bad day some day before Christmas. Today is it. I am ready to burst into tears at any moment at the drop of the hat. Mom used to call it my demon day or night because usually it happened at night. Today, it is during the day too. I am upset over other things today too but I was upset when I got up so I know it has nothing to do with this upset. This is the before Christmas blah time. I think later today after everyone leaves I will go and have some quiet time to myself and see if this can pass. I so wish Kathy lived next door or in the same town because then I could talk with her about it. It is so hard to describe this feeling. It really is. It brings all my anxiety feelings to the surface, not what I am anxious about just the anxiety feelings. I feel utterly alone yet I am in the midst of people, 18 at this moment, including me in the house. I miss Momma so much that I can barely breathe today. It is as if it was yesterday she died. That is how it feels today only it seems like years and years since I have seen her. It has been 3 years and 2 months and 4 days since I last saw her, which means it has been 3 years, 2 months, 1 week, and 4 days since I last heard her speak and tell me she loved me and since I told her I loved her. I want to hold her again and tell her how much I love her. I want her to hold me and chase these feelings away like she used to.
I don't know why I get this feeling every year, but I do and usually it is when I am totally alone but not this year. I know one year it was so bad that I was on the phone with my older brother all night long because I so wanted to not be here. If there had been the medicine that is in the house now, I would have taken it all then but that was years and years ago. I don't have that urge anymore. I just feel like crap. I don't ache anymore than usual, I just feel anxious and sad, very, very sad.