The journey of grief

 When the physical therapist told me it was time to call hospice, my heart sank.  How could it be time?  How could I live without my mother?  I wished so much at that time I had listened when she wanted to tell me about how I was going to live without her. I had this fantasy in my head that we would both die on the same day at the same time. I had never lived anywhere but in my childhood home. After I graduated with my bachelor degree, I can't remember exactly how much time passed before the fibromyalgia showed up and never left. At the time of the flair, I taught private music lessons at a music store and at the students house. Generally, I would wake up when my mom did because she would make us breakfast, then I would go back to bed and sleep or read when I woke up in time to go and teach. I think it was about a year, maybe less when mom said resting all the time was not helping. That is when we started with light stretching. It did help. I had more mobility.

It was years though before I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. When the nurse from hospice came, I had to sign so many papers. It is crazy how many. Mom had been in a nursing home for rehab several months earlier and she came home with a pressure sore. I told the nurse about it. 

Within a few weeks, mom choked her dinner down, even the mashed potatoes. Starting in the previous February, she barely ate anything I had to add Ensure drinks to her diet, specifically the protein ones. I called the emergency line and a nurse came out. She was able to clear mom's throat.  The next day, October 10, 2010, it happened again only worse. The person who answered the phone said a nurse would be there as soon as they are able. The nurse was at another house and it was an emergency.  The nurse arrived about 9:30 pm. She tried to clear mom' s throat but couldn't. We had to go to the ER. At the ER, the doctor tried to suction mom's throat but she kept biting down which frustrated him. The nurse kept saying, she has Alzheimer's, you have to keep saying what you are going to do. She was admitted soon after. I went home thinking I would be picking her up in the next few days. Boy was I wrong.

At 9 am I got a phone call from the doctor. Mom failed the swallowing test. I didn't quite understand. He said it again. I got it that time. He said. This is it. There is nothing we can do.  I asked about a feeding tube. He said it would go into her lungs. This is it. Do you want to take her home or keep her here on the hospice floor. I picked the hospice floor. I got dressed and cried the entire way. 

I can't write anymore.