I Hate Food!!!!

It's true.  I hate food and what it does to me.  I don't care what it is called.  Eating disorder or disordered eating.  Whatever.  It has the same reaction. Tonight, A went to the upright freezer and wanted one of the ice cream sandwiches that I had bought over a week ago.  Well, they weren't there anymore.  I finished the last one on Saturday.  There were four and he hadn't eaten any of them, so I didn't think he wanted any.  I was wrong. After a few minutes of both of us going on and on, it came to the realization on both our parts that I needed to let both he and B know what was up with me and food.  When A said that they couldn't help me if they didn't know what was going on, I about fell over.  I never had anyone say something like that before.  He said I needed to let them know what I needed to help me.  So, I thought about it and identified three things.

1 - Shopping.  It would really help if I didn't shop by myself or if I didn't shop at all.  I am going to give B my card tonight to hold for me.  I don't want to have easy access to my card.

2 - Portion Sizes.  It really will help if someone helped me with the portioning of my food.  I have difficulty with trying to keep things at proper portions.

3 - Cooking.  When I am cooking, there are many times when the aromas start to really make me nauseated so I have to taste the food often to make sure the food is good.  By the time dinner is ready, I have already eaten enough for a meal.

4 - MyFitnessPal app.  I have started to use this app again to keep track of my food intake.  I have calories set at 1600 with 120 grams for protein.  

I have never had support before so this will be good, I think. I have had an eating disorder since I was 14.  I need to conquer this food problem once and for all.  It is the one issue I have yet to forgive myself and my mother.  I do need to be able to do both.

I Can’t Change Who I Am

It seems to me that for so long that the two things I hear the most are: you talk to much and you need to talk quieter.  A few weeks ago I read an article on how every time someone asks me to speak quieter, they are actually asking me to change myself.  I think it is the same with asking me to not speak so much.  I stopped giving lunches and teas because of criticisms I received after they were over.  Sadly, I can still remember them all.  One was I spoke about Peony the entire time one friend visited.  The fact that we were discuss Dogs must have gone over the head of the person critiquing my conversations.  Another was someone had asked me about my mom and I spoke of her ask she was still living.  She had only passed away 2 months earlier and I was having a difficult time with very deep grief.  I also didn’t understand what difference did it make.  I missed her terribly.  These are some examples.  Now when I get asked to speak quieter, I simply say I am deaf, no I cannot.  It has stopped people from continuing asking me this.  When a person who doesn’t understand why it is extremely offensive to ask me to speak quieter, I always ask them would they ask someone who was blind to look harder at something?  They say no way.  Then I point out. It is the exact same thing.  Then they get it.  

As for the speaking to much, I cannot get used to silent meals.  Even after all these years.  I did not grow up with silent meals after the divorce.  Dinner was when we all spoke about out day.  Sometimes I have to text Kathy about it.  It is really hard some days.  Even at the end of my little mother’s life, dinner was not super quiet.  My mother used to call me her chatterbox.  

I did have the reputation at school with many teachers who I had had for years as a chatty student.  Funny thing though, about senior year I stopped really talking in class.  That would have been about the time Katherine began to speak in class, naturally getting me in trouble.  Kathy and I had a Music Theory/Beginning Band class our senior year.  We had a friend named David in the class too.  For the first while in class, we sat together.  The 2 of them would not be quiet.  At first it wasn’t that big of a deal until I got told to be quiet and I wasn’t the one talking.  I glared at the 2 of them for the rest of the class.  The next day, I sat completely across the room from them, thinking I would not get in trouble because I was not anywhere near them.  I was so wrong.  In the first third of class, those 2 cause a bit of a ruckus.  What happened?  I got told to be quiet and my teacher didn’t want to tell me again.  What did I do?  A very grown up response.  I burst into tears and said it wasn’t me.  I grabbed my books and left the classroom.  I did not have a class the next hour so I went straight home.  When I got home, I called my mom and told her that if she got a call from the choir teacher that I left class early, I did and why.  Mom came home early from work as she had her Reserves that night so she would not have had a chance to speak with me about it.  Apparently she did call the choir teacher herself to find out exactly what all happened in class and after I had left, several students said that it had not been me at all for weeks but it was Kathy.  The choir teacher’s defense was, you know her reputation of chatting.  My mom said I do and now you know it wasn’t her, what are you going to do?  Yes, mom was hinting very heavily that I was owed an apology.  I got one the next day.  Mom did say she understood why I was so upset, she also said to never leave school like that again. Ever.  Go to the office or something.  Do not walk home during class.  Safety first.  Because this happens in the theory class, when I got in trouble because a certain best friend was turning around in band class to talk to me, she got caught and shocked the band teacher.  It is a lot humorous now to think about these incidents and how upsetting they were then.  I think Kathy is the only pers9n besides my mother who has never asked me to speak quieter or said I speak to much in a tone that isn’t very nice.  Kathy was very very very shy when she was young.  She rarely spoke anywhere but at home or with me.  Yes, I have been called bossy because it appeared as if I was bossing her around, I wasn’t.  It is weird, I could tell what Kathy wanted to play on at recess by the look of her face.  I would ask, swings, monkey bars, jump rope, etc….  There was a look in her eyes when she wanted to play on something.  I just knew.  I cannot explain how I knew.  I would get really offended when teachers would tell me to stop bossing Kathy around.  Both her mom and mine would say that I wasn’t.  Kathy was a strong person.  If she did not want to play on something she wouldn’t.

MRI Results and other new fun things

I have been having a bit of an issue with my toes tingling and the pain going from there up my right leg.  I had some home health care after I came home from the hospital with the cellulitis wound.  One of the Nurse Practitioners had asked me how I was doing and I casually mentioned the toe issue.  She looked at me and said to call my neurologiest right after she left and make an appointment as soon as I could get in.  I did.  On Monday, I will have a nerve test done then she and I will talk about the next steps.  The MRI was of my Cervical Spine.  I have Scoliosis.  A double S curve as it is called, meaning, I have a small curve in my neck, the big curve that now has 2 Harrington Rods fused to my spine, and a small curve in my waist.  According to the MRI, my spinal cord is narrowing.  From what I have read, it is a normal part of aging, especially if you have scoliosis as I do.  Fun.  The non-fun things are that this possible may explain why I can no longer go upstairs, my arms are very weak, my elbows are super sore, my legs are also very week, and a few other things.  Now, it may not explain these things either as they could just be from my chronic conditions and I am just getting worse.  That is also a very strong possibility.  

Today was definitely a day of unexpected things.  For the first time in years, I could not brush my own hair.  Yup, seriously, I actually had to ask one of my students to brush my hair and put it in a ponytail. It was extremely upsetting to me.  So not only can I not wash my own hair, I cannot brush my own hair.  My base pain level is no longer at a 5 either.  It has jumped to a 7 or an 8.  I am beyond exhausted too.  If I stay in my chair most of the day, it isn't so bad, that is what I am trying to do.  The table that can go over my chair has been brought down from my room and that has been very helpful.  I am hoping not to have anymore surprises this week.  I am too tired for anything new.

I am definitely struggling with mental health this week.  Things have to get better. right?  Thankfully, I have my little Peony.  The absolute cutie of a pup.  She makes everything better.

 It is very late now.  Normal for me though.  I have been a night owl since I was a child.  it is also very quiet in here, the living room.  My beautiful little Peony pup is such a good companion.  She too, is a night owl.  

It has been really hard for me these last few weeks. I can’t stop playing words over and over in my mind.  Was the person joking? Serious?  I don’t know.  I am deaf, well, not completely, enough that even with hearing aids I cannot hear those nuances that normal hearing people can to know when someone is joking or being sarcastic or being serious.  I think the person may have been being the comments: you need to stop getting sick. You need to stop going to the hospital.  You need to make more money.

How do I stop getting sick?  I wish I knew.  It isn’t like I can say, okay, I am not sick anymore. I am chronically ill.  Chronic. Never ending.  Yes, I have meds that help with managing the biggest symptoms, they really don’t take away the symptoms.  I have pain meds that do help with the pain, however, I am still in pain 24/7.  The lowest my pain gets in 5/10.  This is including the headache I have had since March 2003.  Nothing has stopped this headache.

The next one: stop going to the hospital.  I would love too.  I am tired of the inside of the ER and of hospital rooms in general.  I really don’t go unless I absolutely have to.  The last time was about 2 months ago and it was for the cellulitis ii have.  

Lastly: you need to make more money.  I am rather aware that I do.  It is really hard knowing that I have to keep track of every detail I spend.  I hope not to some day.

I am not holding my breath for any of this.