the coming of the end of the year

It seems so weird that it is December 20 already.  It seems like yesterday we were getting things ready for Christmas and now here we are getting ready for the New Year.  Yesterday, I spent the afternoon at my cousin, Nicole's house for dinner and boy was it good.  She is a very good cook and I really enjoyed myself at her place with her family.  My aunt and uncle were also there but they arrived late.  I did have a good time for the little time I got to spend with them.  i really love my aunt Michelle.  She is just so awesome.  I love my Uncle too but my aunt is such a great woman.  We have such fun together. I love it when she comes to visit and when I go to visit her.  We giggle a lot together too.  Nicole and I were marveling at the thought that we now live close enough to actually visit one another on a regular basis!  That is just so cool.  I am planning a cousin visitation for January for us soon.  Her children are very nice too and so is her hubby.  He works a lot.  I did have to leave a bit earlier than planned because it was freezing rain at her house and that would make very slippery roads so I needed to make sure I would be alright driving home.  The roads improved about 2/3 of the way home and the freezing rain stopped once I crossed the border so that was good.  Once I got back into town, there was no rain at all so that was even better.  I made it home with one sliding around the road.  I was pretty nervous for a bit after that but I did okay.  I drove slower than normal and that helped.  Most cars slowed down so I was glad to see that.  Anyways, it was wonderful day with my family.

This week there are only a few lessons just like last week.  Normally, I don't really have any, so to have a few is just awesome.  I have some money put aside already for the rest of the property taxes so that is good.  I feel much better about the financial situation than I did going into December.  I had a few students quit but I have a few new ones to take their places.  It is the nature of the business.  It comes and goes quite frequently so you just have to go with the flow.  I do need to check and make sure i have the CD I need for tonight for the new student.  Her name is Amanda.  I don't know anything else about her.  I will find out tonight.  She is having a lesson tonight and on Saturday.  I don't know if tonight will be her regular lesson or if Saturday will be but I will find that out too.  It is a new way take lessons is doing things so we don't have questionaires anymore and I really found them helpful.  I am going to check one more time to make sure they didn't just move them to a new area.  They didn't.  I don't even know how old she is.  In just over an hour I will meet her.  I called her mom but she emailed me instead of calling me back.  Well, I had Alyssa's lesson this morning and then I will have Bob and Faith tomorrow.  Nothing on Wednesday and a couple on Thursday and Friday with one on Saturday.

For some reason, my desktop computer was being awfully weird today.  It wouldn't let me go on the internet, no matter what I did.  Bill came home and told me what to do to fix it.  It is now fixed!  Yeah! No more looking at the internet through the little laptop.  Back to the wonderful world of desktop with the lovely bigger screen.

Every year, I choose something to work on about myself.  I spend a few days thinking about it and then I decide what I want to work on.  I am not sure what it should be this year.  I really don't.  There are many good things to pick but I just don't know what the thing should be this year.  It is something I have to also pray about because, well, without prayer and God, there is no hope of improving myself.  You know what they say?  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  So yes, that is what I need to do.  I am working on more personal space for people but that really isn't what I mean.  I need something else that is more personal than that.  Like one year I worked on attitude towards my brothers another was negativity in general, things like that.  Normally, I know what to do, but this year I am all hazy about it.  I have no clue.

Maisy is in her usual place next to me for now.  She alternates between me and Heather BT since we are her two people with Heather BT being her number 1 person and me her number 2.  I don't mind being number 2 at all.  I get a lot of time to be with Maisy and play with Maisy so I don't mind at all.  I love my time with Maisy so much.

Well, it is almost time for Amanda to arrive.  I have the CDs I need out as well as the music as far as I know anyway.  I am not sure exactly what to expect since I haven't spoken with her but I will certainly find out shortly.

Recovering from the Holidays

I am rather tired tonight.  I foresee going to bed really early as I am exhausted.  Clearly, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day have knocked me out but they were so worth it.  I spent Christmas Eve with Kathy and family.  The kids loved their gifts and so did Kathy.  I loved what she got me and what her parents got me.  (gift cards from barnes and nobles)  I was home here with Heather BT and her family for opening of presents in the morning.  Calli and Acer woke me up with sleigh bells at 9 am.  It was a pleasant way to wake up.  It was much better than the alarm that I would have had to set.  I spent the afternoon/evening with my aunt Michelle and uncle John along with my cousin, Jayson.  He seemed to like what I got him.  I did stop briefly at Lia's to give Tilley her gift and get mine and Andrew's from her.  Andrew was unable to come to Christmas after all.  That is a whole other story that I just can't handle getting into again.  It is too upsetting.

I had a good couple of days.  Tomorrow I will see Anne and David for lunch and that should be fun too.  I have 3 lessons tomorrow too.  I will hopefully see Star for tea tomorrow night.  That is the goal anyway.  On Saturday, I have just 1 lesson and then lunch with the student and her mother.  Tonight I have 2 students.  I am waiting for one right now.  I do hope she comes.  She and the following student are doing a duet for competition so I am hoping they can practice together tonight.

I was so proud of myself for getting things turned in for competition ahead of time!  Yes, I was early!  Right that down in history!  It has never happened before and I am so glad I was able to be on top of things this year.  It makes it so much easier for me.  Tomorrow, my Sarah will have an hour lesson to make up for some of the ones she has missed.  She is really doing well with her competition song.  I am really pleased with her progress.  Sarah is such a lovely pianist.  She really is.

I have a bad headache today, probably due to the excitement of the last couple of days.  I took some pain pills and I think I will be able to get through the lessons and then I will have a tea before heading for bed.

Maisy is resting beside me.  She is in her "scratch my sternum and my chin and my tummy" position so in between typing, I am scratching her.  She is such a good girl and good company.  I have decided that for me, as long as I can help it, I will never be a dogless household again.  I will always have a little dog in my house.  They are such great company and really help lower anxiety.  I can give them so much love and attention and they give me such love and attention.

Well, I am really getting rather tired.  It has been a long couple of days for me and today was pretty busy with a few lessons so I am going to have a tea and then bed.

Merry Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone enjoys the day with family and friends and less pain and fatigue!!!!!

The Bad Day Before Christmas

I don't know what it is, but every since I was a child, I always have a bad day some day before Christmas.  Today is it.  I am ready to burst into tears at any moment at the drop of the hat.  Mom used to call it my demon day or night because usually it happened at night.  Today, it is during the day too.  I am upset over other things today too but I was upset when I got up so I know it has nothing to do with this upset.  This is the before Christmas blah time.  I think later today after everyone leaves I will go and have some quiet time to myself and see if this can pass.  I so wish Kathy lived next door or in the same town because then I could talk with her about it.  It is so hard to describe this feeling.  It really is.  It brings all my anxiety feelings to the surface, not what I am anxious about just the anxiety feelings.  I feel utterly alone yet I am in the midst of people, 18 at this moment, including me in the house.  I miss Momma so much that I can barely breathe today.  It is as if it was yesterday she died.  That is how it feels today only it seems like years and years since I have seen her.  It has been 3 years and 2 months and 4 days since I last saw her, which means it has been 3 years, 2 months, 1 week, and 4 days since I last heard her speak and tell me she loved me and since I told her I loved her.  I want to hold her again and tell her how much I love her.  I want her to hold me and chase these feelings away like she used to.

I don't know why I get this feeling every year, but I do and usually it is when I am totally alone but not this year.  I know one year it was so bad that I was on the phone with my older brother all night long because I so wanted to not be here.  If there had been the medicine that is in the house now, I would have taken it all then but that was years and years ago.  I don't have that urge anymore.  I just feel like crap.  I don't ache anymore than usual, I just feel anxious and sad, very, very sad.

4 Days until Christmas! Are you Ready?

Well?  Are you?  I almost am.  I have a couple more gift certificates to get and then I will be officially done!  Just 3 more!  Finally!  I picked up 2 yesterday and will do the others this weekend.  All I have to do is print them on my computer, thankfully.

Maisy is lying down next to me on her ottoman.  She is such a loving doggie.  I love her so much.  I know, I say that all the time.  I think it is because it is such a shock to me.  I never expected that I would love a dog so much.  I really didn't but boy do I!  Here is her picture:

Yup, this is Maisy.  This is her, take the picture, Auntie, I am so done with this look.  This is her ottoman and she is also wishing it was empty for her.  She weighs about 18 or so pounds so she is a nice little lap dog.  We think she is part ninja because she can get in and out of the craziest places and things.  Last Sunday was the kids church concert and pageant.  I put Maisy in her crate.  I closed it carefully.  Well, I met up with the others at the concert and then we went out to dinner.  I was the first one home, guess who met me at the door, you guessed it, Maisy!!!!!  She ninjaed herself right out of her crate.  We don't really know how.  today, I am not putting her in one when I leave for lunch.  It will be only for an hour or so and Bill said don't bother especially since she now knows how to get out.  Anyways, this is the little princess I talk all the time about.

I realized last night that I am much better this year at this time than last year.  I believe I had meltdown after meltdown last year at this time.  I have had a couple but not too long.  I can't believe that I am spending another Christmas without Momma but I am.  She gets to spend Jesus' birthday with him, how cool is that?  I mean, really.  We get his spirit but she gets it all.

The other night my side ached so bad and I was sooooo nauseous.  It was awful.  I was, literally, awake most of the time in such pain.  It didn't matter what side I was on, it was bad and then the nausea hit.  I couldn't move then.  I finally had to get up to take something for it.  It helped a bit but man oh man, was it bad.  I was so wiped out that on Thursday, I was in bed at 9:00 and I don't remember seeing 9:30 on the clock.  I woke the next day at 12 noon.  It was a rare night that I didn't wake up too much either.  I slept right through with only a couple of wake ups.  I have felt better since but ugh.  I do have to call Doctor G and have him look at me because Heather BT thinks it could be my appendix and this does happen quite frequently just usually it is bad and then gone not like Wednesday night.  I hope not to have that type of a night happen again ever.  It was that bad.  I even contemplated going to the ER but I really couldn't move enough to go plus I would have to wake Bill or Heather and I really didn't want to do that.  As I thought more and more about it, I finally dozed off at 7 am for about an hour.  I started feeling better about 9 am so I didn't go.

My anxiety level is down now and I hope it stays down for the rest of the season.  I have a couple of lessons next week between Christmas and New Years but not many.  I expected this.  I have one on Monday, a couple Thursday and 2 on Friday with one on Saturday so really, that is a lot for the vacation.  Acer has elected not to have a lesson this Friday, which I told him was perfectly fine as it is vacation.  Speaking of little man, he is now 9!!!  Yes, today IS his birthday!  i am so excited for him!  We have a 9 year old in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, Acer has turned 9.  He is very excited about this too.  Tomorrow is Acer's birthday party and he will get his present then.  I can't wait for him to open them all from everyone.  I love watching children open presents because they look so sweet when they do.  I was nervous that the gift I got him would not be here in time, but it was so thank goodness for that!

Well, my aunt will be here soon.  Not sure exactly when, but soon.  We are going to lunch.  I probably should go to the bank too.  Nah, I will do that on Monday.

Christmas Season and anxiety

I have high anxiety.  It goes along with fibro.  Thankfully, I do not have the depression.  Yes, after Momma died, I was depressed and grieving but that depression was more of a grieving type than a fibro type.  The last few Christmases have been VERY hard on me with her gone.  She died in October 2010 so the first one was awful, simply awful.  I went to the family party and felt like a stranger in my own family.  I left early because I couldn't take the pain of it.  I cried the entire drive home.  By the way, it is not recommended to cry while driving.  It is a difficult thing to do but I did it.

This year, I find that I am not having a rough time of it.  I still miss mom, I still ache from her not being here, and I still ache from fibro, but I think having my friend, Heather BT and her family here has definitely improved my anxiety overall and I have been enjoying this season of cheer.  Calli and Acer are delightful children and they make me smile, most of the time.  When the are not misbehaving or being bratty anyway, which most of the time they are not, they are usually really good kids.  Having people in the house that I like has helped too.  Heather BT and I have known each other since we were in our early 20s and then drifted apart.  We reconnected in 2009 right after Calli came home from China.  I am so glad too.  We get along rather well as do her hubby, Bill and I do.  We each have our duties and roles in the family and it works well.  I do dishes and Calli helps when she can.  Heather BT does my laundry and it is a darn good thing too because, well, to be honest, I really suck at laundry, I just simply suck at it.  She makes my stuff come back in good condition and nice and clean and all that good stuff.

Painwise, I am still having major issues with headaches.  I did go to the arthritis doctor and the gastro doctor this week.  The pain that I thought was my hip is not my hip.  The arthritis doctor thinks it is the colon.  I asked the gastro doctor about it and she thinks it is muscular/skeletal so basically, fibro.  Yeah for that.  It isn't all the time just some of the time.  If it becomes all the time, then I will need to have it looked into because it really hurts when it comes, it is excruciating pain, simply excruciating.  Fortunately, it goes away rather quickly and then I am fine but it stops me in my tracks when it arrives.  usually, it is at night after I have been lying on that side for a while or when I have been sitting for a bit.  It is not linked to meals or anything like that so that is why the gastro doctor doesn't think it is the colon.  I do have diverticulitis though and both said that that can be painful at times.  I have to be on the lookout for infection, which I am.

Miss Maisy is here sitting next to me looking outside at a winter wonderland.  It snowed a few inches last night.  I don't need to go out until much later to return some stuff I bought that I don't need.  If I don't do it tonight, that is fine too.  I can go another day.  It looks so pretty out but I am not sure how the driving would be.  I am sure it isn't too bad though otherwise no one would be leaving their homes and my neighbors have been driving up and down our street all day.  I am on one of the main streets in our neighborhood so I would notice this and also, Maisy barks every time a car drives by.  She is such a cutie, a definitely barky girl, but super cute too.  She is standing vigilantly at the window watching for cars going by.

I think what has helped the most for my anxiety this year, after my housemates, is the furbabies.  Q is Calli's guide dog but when he is not working, he is a family dog but he does hang out with Calli most.  He was most unhappy with her today as she was outside shoveling snow while he was inside.  Not a happy dog, not at all.  Maisy is Heather BT's little 18 pound dog.  She is so adorable and while Heather BT is her number 1 person, I am her number 2 person.  Maisy has lowered my anxiety a lot too because when I get to anxious, I go and pick her up and snuggle with her.  I can feel my anxiety leaving my body when I do that.  Nothing lowers it faster than snuggling with Maisy, nothing I found yet anyway, even medicine.  I have moved a blue ottoman next to my chair at the computer for her to sit on and look outside.  She knows this is her seat and loves it.  I didn't even hear her come up and didn't know she had until she took her little paw to tell me it was time to pet her.  I did.  I snuggled up with her.  She is not always a well behaved dog too but we have to take the good with the bad, don't we?

Sammy is coming over to help decorate the tree.  I only have the little one up because I just didn't want to deal with the big one this year.  Next year I will deal with the big one, just not this year.  She should be here soon.  Sammy is a wonderful student who helps me so much.  She helps put music away, get music out, and things like that.  She is a wonderful organizer, which I so need help on.  I am not the most organized person.  I so try to be, but it just fails.  I have her to help for another year then off to college she goes!

Well, Sam should be here any minute.  I am also getting tired.  I think Maisy and I will take a brief nap until she gets here.  It is snuggle doggy time.

Hmmm, how long has it been?

I used to post daily but I find myself not posting daily.  Sometimes it is because I am so exhausted at the end of the day that I elect to go to bed instead and others I find myself hanging with the kids instead.  I look back at what my life was like a year ago and boy, what a difference a year can make!  I was lonely, scared, sick, tired, and worn out missing mom something awful last year living by myself.  Then Heather BT and crew moved in and suddenly our house was alive again.  I still miss mom horribly, but I am not lonely, scared and worn out in the same way that I was.  Now, don't get me wrong, I still am exhausted all the time and well, it isn't like the fibro took a walk, oh no, these things didn't leave, I just feel better inside as far as mentally than I did a year ago.

Right now Maisy is sitting next to me snoring away as I type.  She is definitely on of the most awesome things that have happened to me in the last year.  I had no idea how much a dog (or pet) could improve your life!  Well, she sure has.  I am her #2 person with Heather BT being her #1 person.  I love how Maisy will go in back and forth between us to make sure we are both okay.  Right now it is my turn, and also, it is time to feed her and she knows I will be feeding her so that could be it too.  I will be right back.  I have to feed the little fur baby!

She is happily eating her dinner in the laundry room.  Last night she came into my room to say goodnight.  It was quite cute.  She puts her paws on my bed so I will lift her up and she wanted me to scratch her tummy so I did.  Then Heather BT called her to go to bed in their room so she left.  I love when she coms into my room and sleeps on my bed.  When it is just a Maisy and me night, she spends all night in my room.  I have discovered for such a little dog (18 pounds) she hogs the bed and steals blankets but I would rather have the bed hogging, blanket stealing, 18 pound dog than none at all.

Lately, my right hip has been super painful at night.  It is fine when I am sitting down but the minute I stand or try to walk it is sharp pains.  I don't get it.  I do see the arthritis doctor this week so I can ask her about it.  I have had a few more neck ache headaches again.  I may have to consider the nerve block injection although I would prefer to not but if they continue, I will have to try it.  It isn't every night, thankfully, but every few nights.  Before I went to the ER, it was every night for weeks until it got so bad I just couldn't function or sleep or even move.  It hurt to walk to the car and to the ER that night.  It really did.  Thankfully, by the next day the doctor had found something to help it.  I see her again in January.

This is a busy week with doctors as both Wed and Thurs I have doctor appointments.  I see the arthritis doctor on Wed and the stomach doctor on Thurs.  Then I don't see them again until 6 or so months, or so I hope.  This time it was 4 months.  I am hoping to remember to bring my planner so I don't plan appointments on the same day, which I have done again.  I have to cancel the ear doctor appointment and reschedule it for a different day because it is on Wed. at the same time.  I really can't be in 2 places at once no matter how chub I am.  Which by the way, on Wed I will find out how much more weight I have lost and I am hoping a few more pounds.  I have had to stop wearing some of my clothes because they are too big.  Other clothes I can wear again because I am smaller and can fit into them.  It is exciting when that happens.  Right now I am into my Christmas sweatshirts that I really couldn't wear last year as they were too tight.  This year?  they are too big!  Yup!  I am loving that!  I think that it will be the last season for these Christmas sweatshirts as I am hoping to be closer to my goal weight next year and not fit into them.  That is the plan anyway!

Last week was an exhausting week for me and same with the week of Thanksgiving.  I wasn't feeling well at all the week of Thanksgiving.  At one point, Heather BT asked me if I was sure I wasn't bleeding in my stomach because my stomach was so upset all the time for the week.  It still is upset a lot, but not quite as much.  I also was sooooo exhausted, even more than usual.  I slept a lot.  I even was in bed by 8 or 9 pm some nights and didn't wake up until after noon, that is how exhausted I was.  Heather BT said I looked super pale (paler than usual, I am ghostly color) and that my eyes looked like I was in a lot of pain and extremely tired.  She is one of the few who really can tell when I am not feeling so good and when I am in either a lot of pain or extremely tired.  I did host Thanksgiving along with Will and we all had a good time.  I didn't cook.  I went and ordered from our local restaurant and that helped immensely.  My aunt and uncle, small cousin, friend Star, Will's Mom and brother all came over.  Will's mom and brother left earlier than anyone else but it was overall a good day.  Will is on his way to California now for a job.

I am hoping that since the Christmas Concert is over and the majority of Christmas presents are bought or made, that I will have a more relaxing Christmas season.  I am trying not to raise my anxiety.  I have bought things that I think people will like and I have pared down what I can and can't do.  I am going to give it my all at keeping at the can and can't do.  I know I will have some anxiety over when I decide I just can't do it, but I have to.  I just have to.  I have to accept that I can't do what I used to.  yes, it annoys and upsets me but it is a fact.  The Christmas concert for my students wipes me out.  Thankfully my friend, Star helped me a lot.  This lowered my anxiety.  I refuse to stop doing concerts for my students because I really feel that fibro has cost me so much that I just refuse to let it cost me one more thing.  I just won't.  With help from good friends like Star, it is easier.  I ask for help and I get  the help. I have a great group of parents who help me with setting up things and tearing them down.  So all in all, things work out.

Well, Heather BT and I are about to watch another episode of Once Upon a Time season one disc 3.  I love this show.  It is really good.