Saturday - a day of children!

I had 5 children spending the night last night.  My friend's 4 children that I was watching and a neighbor friend of the youngest girl, so I had 5.  It wasn't too bad.  They are good kids over all.  I was just awake every hour for some reason.  I don't know why except I was.  I had a lot of pain for some reason.  Who knows?  Anyways, yesterday the 4 children and I had some fun.  We went to Erma's for some frozen custard and then Chipotle's for dinner.  We had Tim Horton's for breakfast today.  All in all, it has been a good couple of days.  They go home tonight.

I miss Peony, she is on vacation with the rest of the family.  I miss my dog!  I miss them too, but I miss the dog.  She is such a good little companion.  I love her so much.  I will confess that it was nice not to have to get up early to take her out  but I would rather have to get up and take her out than not have her here.  She is having a good time with the family from what the videos show.  Peony barked at Lake Michigan when the water would come in.  I had to laugh.  Our poor little dog didn't know what to do with the water so she barked.  Apparently, she is not going to be a water dog.  Peony also did get out twice but Q brought her back into the cabin so she didn't get lost.  Thank goodness she loves Q and wants to be with him all the time.  It is so beautiful to see them play together.  It really is.

Calli is home now and now comes the hard work for her.  She has lots of therapies ahead of her.  I know she will do great though because she is a strong girl and a strong spirit.  We try to give her a strong support system too.  Acer is at camp and will be home soon.  I sure hope he is having a grand old time.  I am sure he is.

I have a medium bad headache today and I am so achy as well as being tired.  I am more tired than usual, I think because I was up every hour last night.  I want to go and see my friend in her show but I am afraid I won't be able to make it because of my headache.  It hurts to even brush my hair.  I tried to take a nap but I couldn't really sleep at that point.  I am going to read in a while.

I got my new contacts this week.  I also finally got my eyes dilated.  I now see an eye specialist because I have macular degeneration in both eyes.  Yes, I am in my mid 40s and I have a 60 year old and up eye disease.  Anyways, I now can read street signs and things such as that.  I still don't like to drive too much at night.  I really don't drive very much at night and usually it is to someplace I already know not a new place.  For reading though, I actually have to wear reading glasses.  Yes, over my contacts I have to wear reading glasses.  yuck.  It is better than not being able to see but still.  I am not sure if the ones I have are the right prescription though.  I will have to check on that.  I think they are but I am not sure.  I have to get new glasses too, bifocals.  Those I will get next month.  I have to order new contacts first because they are 2 week throw aways.

It is quiet now with 2 of the older children with their dad and the 2 smaller children playing with the neighbor children.  I don't mind.  There is some picking up that needs to be done, but other than that, everything is ready for them to head for home.  Their mom is on her way.  She is such a nice woman.  We get along really well.  About once or so a month I watch her children overnight so she can go and visit some friends who live farther away.  I don't mind.  They are good kids.  This month, they came here because I said they could spend the night but it didn't happen before Calli came home so with the family on vacation, it was perfect for them to come and have a special day and night here.  Next month will be at their house without treats.  This was something special.  I can hear the 2 younger ones playing in the front yard with the neighbor kids.  It will be awfully quiet when they go home but I will be able to get a good nap in that I need very much.  Everyone comes home tomorrow, thankfully!  I can't wait to hug everyone and Peony!  I never realized how much company she was until Thursday when she was gone a full day.  She really is good company.  I love playing with her.  She is 9 months now.  We think she has gone about an inch.  She still is about 10 pounds though.  I am very careful with what I feed her because people food doesn't go good with her at all.  Peony has a very sensitive stomach.  If you give her people food, she will throw it up later, I can guarantee it.  Tuesday, she got into the chocolate chip cookies that Heather BT left on her bed and Wednesday she threw it all up.  It always is the next day she throws up too, rarely on that day.  I can't believe I can calmly clean it up too because that used to gross me out like nothing!  But I just calmly get some towels and the carpet cleaner and clean it up.  Then I take her and rub her tummy and pet her so she feels okay.  Usually, Peony is very tired after that.  I miss that little doggie.

Well, I am going to read for a bit.  I don't know what book I want to read, but I will pick something.  The new Danielle Steel book doesn't come out until July 22.  I like hers mostly.  They are good, fun chick lit.  Some are better than others but overall they are decent.  It isn't hard reading or reading that requires a lot of thinking and sometimes that is exactly what I need like right now for example.  So off to reading.  (Yes, with the reading glasses on)

An Amazing Day

Today is the day we have been waiting for.  Calli came home.  Yes, she sure did!  With style too, in a beautiful dress.  I am so thankful that she is home.

I also have much anxiety today too.  I wanted everything to be just so for her.  The kids were here to help and they did a bit but Tasha did the most.  The other three really just hung out and played while Tasha and I did some work.  They irritated each other and then because my anxiety is so high today, I actually yelled at them.  Something I have never really done but I did.  I told their mom and she said they deserved it and she was fine with that.  I am glad about that.  My anxiety is going down now but my heart is still racing a bit, which will take longer to calm down.

It is supposed to get colder this week.  They said really cold for summer but so far it really is just fine.  I hope it stays that way.  We had such a cold winter that I am just enjoying the warmth of summer.  Many days it is beautiful and not too hot.  I love sitting outside with Peony and watching her play in the grass.  She has been such a major blessing.  I had thought I wanted a dog just like Maisy, another Brussels Griffon, but now I am glad she is different and doesn't look anything like Maisy.  Maisy will always have a place in my heart but Peony is her own dog and I love it.  She is such a good dog too.  Peony is learning new things all the time.  She follows me a lot.  Today, she is learning to stay off of the blue ottoman that is right next to me.  Yup, she needs to not go on it but she loves to go on it.  The next thing is going to be our beds.  She still goes on mine no matter what I say.  I figure in a few weeks of all of us being home and working with her, she won't do that anymore.  I love her so much.

My headache is worse than normal today.  I think the raised anxiety has made it higher than usual.  It happens and I get through it so I will this one too.

Here is a picture of the Peony girl.  I am not sure if I posted one yet.

P.S.  the stuff that is in behind here is no longer there!  Tasha helped me put it away so that I can get to all of my music in the filing cabinets.  This is Peony on about the 2nd day we got her.

Bruising Like Crazy!!!!

For some reason, I am bruising like crazy.  Sometimes, I bruise for no reason.  Now, I do take coumiden but I have been for 8 1/2 years and I have never bruised like this before, never.  I have had my levels checked once last week, 2 times this week.  All 3 times say the same.  I am in therapeutic range and okay.  So, why am I bruising?  On to more testing.  I saw my family doctor this week and he is checking some stuff that he will send over to my hematologist.  I also so the hematologist.  I have a lump on my right calf that I will have an ultrasound next week for it.  He thinks it is either fatty tissue or a cyst, both of which is no big deal so that is good.  The bruising, however, he is majorly concerned with.  I have to keep an eye on my back, chest, and stomach because if I am bruising there, it is a big problem.  So far, I don't think so.  I don't know about my back as I don't look but I have a mirror so I will check tonight.  Both doctors have taken blood to see what the blood counts and things say.  I should have all results by the beginning of next month.  It may mean nothing, but it is best to check it out.

I have a happy Acer today.  Yesterday, we went to the store for his first reward of being polite and good sportsmanship.  He has been working very hard on this for about 2 weeks now.  I have been on him constantly and I mean constantly.  His first reaction to most thing is no or rudeness.  He doesn't really mean to be rude, but it comes out that way a lot.  He is a nice young man and is sweet and generous and very loving.  I just decided after hearing him and his friends that I was not putting up with all of their rudeness this summer and their poor sportsmanships so I started working on it with Acer.  His friends are also working on it, the older two (15 and 12) are helping the littler ones and Acer so that is a big help to me.  It is also much more pleasant to be around them all when they are like that.  The funny thing is, is that Angus (the 15 year old) had put in his Amazon.com cart the exact same bowling set for Acer that I bought yesterday!!!!  Isn't that a hoot?  I thought so.  Acer has been playing bowling ever since we came home with the set.  He loves it and I am glad that he does.  I like a happy boy.  Overall, he IS a happy boy.  It is just sometimes hard to see underneath the grumpy boy he can also be.

My head has been aching so much more lately.  I am not sure if it is the changes in the weather or what but oh my, it is insane.  I actually had to tell Acer's friends that they couldn't come over yesterday.  I just didn't feel well enough to have them over.  I know that they understood, but still, I don't like having to say no you can't come over.  My hips and lower back have been more achy too especially the hips.  The weather has been hot and cold then hot and cold again.  I know that has a bit to do with it but I also think the stress and anxiety of worrying about Calli has a lot to do with it too.  She is getting better!  Somewhere between 3 days and 2 weeks she will be coming home.  I can't wait.  I really can't.  I want to hug her and be able to talk to her even if she can't talk back that is okay.

I am learning how to cook this summer.  Acer has decided that I need to learn how to cook.  He wants me to make Taco Soup first so tomorrow, he and I will be heading to the store to get the ingredients we need.  He will be so surprised.  I hope it tastes good.  I hope I feel well enough to make it.  It seems rather easy.  Brown the meat and onions, use taco seasoning (we have that here at home), put in ranch seasoning, add tomatoes, and use cheese.  There may be a few other things but this is what I have by memory.  I don't have the recipe right in front of me.  I got it from cooks.com.  Acer also wants me to make Apple Pie.  He is going to camp soon for a little bit so he will be having fun there.  He loves camp and I am glad that he does.  His camps sound so cool, like camps I would have love to have gone to as a child.  I did like the camps that I went to when I was a girl scout and as a teen but his sound just as fun.

I have now lost 46 pounds!!!  I am so happy about this.  I just wish it was faster!!!  I know, if it is slow, it is better, I am just impatient right now but hey, that is just me, right?  I am glad my weight is finally going in the down position instead of up, up, up, and more up.  That was so scary because no matter what I did, it didn't make a difference.  Then Momma died.  Then I stopped caring.  Then I stopped eating properly.  Then I gained more weight.  Then came the amitryptiline or however you spell it.  I gained the last of the 25 pounds from that.  Overall, I gained 80 pounds from Lyrica and 25 from Amitryptiline not to mention the weight I gained all by myself without the help of medicine.  I now will no longer take any medicine that has a side effect of weight gain no matter how good it works.  I refuse to take it.  I flat out refuse.  I just won't take the stuff.  I can't afford to gain anymore weight, not when I have about 100 more pounds to lose.

Well, Mr. Impatient, otherwise known as Acer, is waiting for me to play bowling with him so I am going to end this now.

Lonely Days?

Since Calli has been in the hospital, I have not been alone so no, I have not been lonely.  I am rarely lonely in general, just usually if I am lonely, I am lonely for a specific person or fur friend.  Today, I am  missing Maisy a lot.  However, I have Peony and that helps a lot, but I still am missing Maisy.  She is such a stinkerbutt.  She really is.

Tasha is spending the night again tonight.  She gets along very well with Acer, which is a good thing because sometimes he can be a handful, a major handful.  He was last night, but he was mostly fine today.  Tomorrow, Hayden wants to spend the night with Angus.  I said we will see what your mom says tomorrow.  I am sure that won't be a problem.  I will get to take a long nap tomorrow since my lovely Tasha is spending the night.  I am very thankful.  I have to get up at 9 to let Peony out and feed her.  Then I will be picking up Acer's grandmother to come over to help with laundry.  Tasha is going to watch Acer while I go back to sleep after I get back from picking up Pat.

I am very, very achy tonight.  I don't really know why, but boy are my legs and hips just in major pain today.  It stinks.  I have bruises that are popping up all over.  Some I know how I got but many I don't know.  They just are showing up.  I told my endo doctor and he was like, well you are on coumiden.  No kidding.  I have been for 8 1/2 years, however, I have never bruised like this before with the coumiden levels okay so yeah, can we look into this please?  I have an appointment with my hematologist for next week so that is good.  I will have them look into this.

On the Calli front!  She is walking!!!!!!!  Yes, I wrote, she is walking!!!!  She walked her guide dog, Q to do doggie business.  She needed 3 breaks on the way out and none on the way in.  It is truly a miracle.  It really is.  Calli is doing so well right now.  I am so thrilled.  Yesterday, the first day she walked, she needed help.  Today, I am not sure if she needed help or not.  I saw the picture of her sitting down with Q.  I am so proud of her fighting spirit.  Calli is such a fighter and will not let this beat her.  Yes, there will be ups and downs, but that is to be expected but overall, she fights and is winning!

I am very tired tonight.  I am glad for the company.  Tasha is such a delightful young lady.

She is getting better

Calli is slowly recovering from her brain hemorrhage and her stroke.  She is a fighter and a very strong young lady.  I have learned much from this, some of the lessons are old lessons that I should have learned long ago.  Time is precious and the people around you are too.

These last two weeks, the Ellers, as we call our friend, Elle's children, have been here pretty much everyday.  I don't mind.  It makes the day better.  Acer is back from camp so we have been doing stuff. He has discovered a new drum online game called virtual drumming.  He really like this game.  This morning when I got up, I fed the dog, got Acer breakfast, let the dog out, and set the game up for Acer, and then went back to sleep.  I slept until 1 pm when Acer came in and said it was time to wake up and he was right.  Thankfully, he woke me or I could have slept all day.  I am that tired right now.

Anxiety is a bit high today for some reason.  Not racing heart or anxiety attack high, just higher than it has been for the last few weeks.  I got a really nice picture of Calli from Heather BT today.  She was giving her mom a smirky look.  I loved it.  Calli has such a beautiful smirky smile that I simply love.  Of course, I love all her smiles.  She has such beautiful ones.

I am not feeling too well today.  It is just the way the day is.  I may need to go and lie back down for a bit until their mom comes to get us.  I think that sounds like a good plan.  I have a lovely bad headache today too so it is definitely nap time.

Heart Aches

The extra stillness and quietness in the house is so hard to get used to.  It makes my heart ache.  I ache for Calli, who is still in PICU at the hospital.  She has been heavily sedated so she won't pull things out that need to stay in.  The Little Man, Acer, comes home from camp tonight.  He has been at music camp this week.  For the past two weeks, since Calli became ill, he has been at camp.  He has seen his sister, the night he came home from one camp and was leaving the next day for another camp.  Otherwise, I have been here mostly with just Peony, the newest addition to the family.  A Yorkie terrier mix dog.  She is about a year old and is quite cute and still learning quite a bit.  We are currently working on sitting, coming when called, and doing doggie business outside.  That is the biggie, doggie business outside. So far today, she has done most of her business outside.  I want her trained by the time Calli comes home although that may not be possible.  I just don't know.  I am new to this and she is stubborn.  She has an area in the front room that she has marked as "hers" and well, she has pooped there a few times already.  At least I know where to look.  She also has been throwing up after eating grass several times.  I think it is also tension as I think she senses something is wrong in the house because Calli is ill.  I think dogs know this.  It is just hard to say.

Calli had to have another angiogram again today.  We weren't expecting this so I was surprised.  She has had one but with her brain bleed, we have to be sure that she will be okay.  They took out her chest tube and took her off the ventilator today.  Her first coherent words were "I have to go to the bathroom".  I can't wait for her to be home.  I know everyone else feels the same.  I know she may have a hard road ahead of her.  We will all be there to help and do what we can.  Tomorrow my part starts by helping with the little man.

I have ached more because of the worry with Calli.  My head hurts so much more than usual because of the worry of Calli.  Thankfully, I have Peony to occupy my mind with because I could be in much wore shape.  Peony has been very helpful.  I miss Maisy a lot but I am thankful for Peony.  I still ache for Maisy.  It doesn't mean I don't love Peony, because how could I not?  She is such a lovable dog, but I so ache for Maisy.  I have finally stopped most of the what ifs and what could I have done differently and maybe Maisy would have lived, but I don't think I will ever stop aching for her.

Shoulder Pain

Oh my, I think Peony (the new little doggie) has pulled my left shoulder too hard.  It really hurts.  When she goes outside to play, I have to put her on a leash because otherwise, she would runaway since we don't have a fenced in yard right now.  Our backyard is weird so we are not sure how to do a fenced in yard.  Well, she is a very strong dog.  Very, very strong dog.  Super duper strong comes to mind.  So for the last few days, we have spent lots of time outside and she has been jumping here, jumping there, on a leash.  She will go as far as she can, then she will go the other way as far as she can.  It has been fun, but tonight, I have noticed my left shoulder is really sore.  I am hoping it is better tomorrow.

I am also so tired.  The week of poor sleep has definitely caught up with me and with her.  She is sleeping next to me.  I think it is time to crate her and for both of us to go to bed.

Please continue to pray for Calli.  She is making slow progress, but she is still a very very very sick girl.

The Worst Week

This week is close to being the worse week of my life besides the weeks when my Momma died and before and after that.  My housemates', Bill and Heather BT, lovely, beautiful, vibrant daughter, Calli, age 14, suffered an inter cranial hemorrhage on the left side.  This happened on Monday when Bill, Calli, and I were leaving our dear friend, Elle's home from dinner.  Heather BT was taking Acer to camp and we expected her later that evening.  As we were going to leave, Calli said she felt very dizzy and had a bad headache all of a sudden.  Then, she started to cry.  At that point, she started to throw up.  It was awful.  There came a point when it was clear there was something seriously wrong so her parents took her to the ER.  The local hospital immediately helicoptered her to their main hospital for further treatment.  She is now in pediatric ICU.  Calli is heavily sedated as she moves too much when she is not and that is dangerous for her condition.  We expect some physical, mental, and emotional challenges when she recovers.  We are praying for a recovery with minimal damage to the brain.  The place where the bleed is located is right at motor skills.  There are people all over the world praying for Calli.  We need continuous prayers.  So far, she is improving but we still need prayers because she isn't out of the woods yet.  They put in a feeding tube in her today.  I have seen her and oh my, I am glad I did.  I miss her.  I am trying to do whatever her parents need here at home.  I am staying with the new little dog that arrived on Sunday.  It is a challenge but she has kept my anxiety under control so far.  I am very worried about her.  Between the grief of losing Maisy and the worry about Calli, I am surprised that my anxiety is under control as well as it is.  I have been working on breathing and living in the now, instead of the what ifs, because really, there aren't any for this.  Bill and Heather BT acted right away with this as soon as it became apparent that something was seriously wrong.  I mean, there was no hesitation.

My pain levels are higher and I am trying to stay on top of them.  I know it is because of the anxiety and the worry but since I can't stop worrying nor all my anxiety, I just do the best I can to stay on top of it.  It is the best I can do at this point.  My headache is also a bit higher but not as high as it can get so that is good.

Well, going to eat some dinner.  Please, if you can, pray for Calli.  She is an amazing young lady.  She really is.

The pain of grief - literally

We have a new family member.  Her name is Peony.  She is a mix of something but we don't know what.  We don't know what her parentage is, but that is okay.  I have mixed feelings in a way about this.  I do much better with a dog.  I need to lower my anxiety and petting and hugging her will completely help but I also grieve for Maisy.  This lovely, little, 10 pound dog needed a home and we needed her so basically, we are a good fit that way.  She has explored the house and seems to like us.  She is a furniture jumper so we will work on that.  She seems to like Heather BT and I a lot.  Tomorrow will be my first day with her by myself.  I am looking forward to it.  She is a good girl so far.  Q seems to be getting along well with her too.  Peony is learning to come when called.  She gets a treat when she does.  Eventually, she won't need this but right now she does.  I don't think I will ever get over Maisy, as she was my first love, but I think I have enough room in my aching heart for this lovely, little dog named Peony.

Painwise - grief has taken a toll on my body.  My headaches have been torturous this week.  Simply torturous.  My body aches, my head aches, I don't think there is much on me that doesn't ache.  It is so unfair.  My heart aches for Maisy and my body physically aches for Maisy.  It has been a week since our little furbaby left us and went to Heaven.  I miss her so much.

I hope someday I won't hurt so much, but I never will forget that beautiful, sweet, little Maisy girl, NEVER.  I will love her forever.

Missing Maisy

It has been 4 long days since the little lady died.  My anxiety is through the roof to say the least.  She was so good at keeping my anxiety down and now it is so up.  My mind plays tricks on me with the could of, should of, and would ofs.  What ifs, what if I didn't bring her, would she have thrown up at home?  What if she threw up on the ground and not the car seat?  Things like this.  This is what my anxiety does to me.  It was very very very bad last night but better today.  I am able to think more clearly today than I was last night.  I find the house too quiet without her snorting around even with children in the house.

I was smiling earlier remembering her ninja moves.  We called her a ninja dog because she would "ninja" food from the table so quietly, you wouldn't even know she was there.  One time, she ate my fish sticks and potatoes but left the carrots while I was teaching.  Yeah.  I came to the table to eat my dinner and it was gone.  She was sitting on the floor, wagging her tail, looking super cute and innocent.  Well, that innocent girl wasn't so innocent.  Maisy left a telltale sign, a hair on my plate.  Apparently, Acer had left his chair out and that was how she got on the table.  What a little stinker she was.  I would say though, she gave us much love and so many stories about her, just so many.

We are looking at getting a new pet.  It won't replace Maisy as no one can but we think it will be better for us.  Maisy is my first love of a dog so how could I ever forget my first love?  I think the way to honor her, is to get a new pet, another one who needs love too.  Maisy was so loved and she gave such love.  I uploaded a bunch of photos that I took of her last month on my facebook page.  Last night, when my anxiety was so high, I was looking at the pictures on my phone.  It helped a bit, but oh my, I just ache for her.  I physically ache for her just like I did when I lost Momma.  I never knew it would hurt this much but when you love so much, I guess that is the price you pay when they go to Heaven.  I would not have missed this for the world though.  Maisy taught me so much about love and life that I will never regret loving her as much as I did.  Never.  This pain is worth the price of loving her so much.  I wish everyone could have known Maisy like I did.  She was so wonderful, yes, there were times when she was frustrating, I mean, she was a dog after all, but overall, she filled me with joy and happiness.  She really helped me get out of the depression I was in after Momma died.  Between her and my housemates, that is what brought me back to life.  I so wanted to die.  I wanted to be with Momma.  I didn't want to live.  I just didn't.

I hope my anxiety calms down this evening and lets me sleep.  It hasn't let me sleep too much, add that to the missing of Maisy and you have an overly exhausted Heather.  I did sleep a bit last night after I came back down and was talking to a friend online.  I am seeing my friend, Star tonight so I hope that will help me sleep tonight.  Maisy never really slept in my bed unless the other Heather wasn't home so I don't miss her sleeping next to me, I just miss her all over.  With the new one, we are going to not let him sleep on our beds or climb on the furniture.  Of course, we did say that about Maisy and I must confess that it didn't last very long so yeah, we shall see.  Acer and Heather BT went to see a little guy on Tuesday and we find out tomorrow if we get him.  They were the only ones of the applications that went to physically see him but there are other applications for him.  If we don't, we will find someone.  I am trying not to get my hopes up.  It is hard, but I am trying.  I don't think I can handle a major disappointment on top of my grief for Maisy.

As for the fibro pain?  I totally forgot how grief can make you ache more!  Same with the everyday headache!  I am physically and mentally a mess right now, but I will get through because I know I will. I have to.  I will always love Maisy and she will always be first in my heart.  I told her everyday how much I loved her.  I know I have room in my heart to love another because of her.  It is all because of her.

An Award!!!!

I was listed as one of the top blogs for fibro this year!!!!!  thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!



Heather