Wednesday, March 12, 2014

It has been over a year

What a difference a year can make.  Last year at this time, things were very different for me.  I was still grieving very heavily.  I cried daily, I so wanted my mother all the time.  I still miss her all the time, don't get me wrong, I just feel that I am not in the depths of despair like I was last year and the 2 years before that since my mother died.  I didn't truly care too much about how my hair looked outside of the ponytail being neat and tidy.  As long as I had clean clothes on, that was all that mattered.  It didn't matter if they were cute or looked nice.  They just needed to be clean.  I weighed 44 more pounds than I do now because of my eating habits.  My sleep habits haven't changed.  I still wake up at all hours of the night and have to get up and walk from the pain.  I wasn't as fiscally responsible as I am not.  I just didn't care outside of teaching.  I didn't care if I lived or died unless I was teaching or with friends.  I just didn't.  I desperately wanted to be with my mother.  It was that bad.  My anxiety was through the roof.

Now, I care what I look like.  I can fit into my really cute clothes and that makes me smile.  I can smile through out the day even when I am not teaching.  I am working on getting the excess weight off.  I eat better, smaller portions.  I care about the side effects of the medicine I take.  I will no longer take the medicine that has side effects of gaining weight.  I just won't.  I don't care what it may help with because in the long run, I cannot afford to gain anymore weight.  That will cause more issues than I already have.  I still miss my mother daily, all day long but it isn't the I want to die to be with my mother that it was.  I enjoy being with friends when we do things.  I have a few more students than I did although I don't have many because I have to be within my limits of what I can do.  I am more accepting of my limits.  I am happier again.  Something I thought I would never be again.  I truly thought I would never be happy without my momma.  She was my best friend and I loved taking care of her.  That was my goal in life to make her life good when she needed help and I did.  That she was taken way too soon is a whole other matter.  Do I still feel bitter at times that she died too young?  Yes, I do.  Am I still jealous of my friends and family who have their moms who are older than mine was, yes.  I probably always will.  It is because I miss mine so terribly.  We did everything together.  Yes, I clung to her probably too much.  Maybe I was too close to her, but it doesn't matter now, she and I are apart at this point and someday we won't be ever again.  That day I look forward to, but I don't want to die anymore like I did up until sometime this year.  Sometime, during this year, it changed.  I began to enjoy life again.  Was it the advent of Maisy?  The advent of Heather BT, Calli, Acer, and Bill?  Or a combination?  I would say all.  Heather BT really made me exam myself and decide what did I want to do.  How did I want to live.  For that I am very grateful and always will be.  My house because a home and not a tomb thanks to 4 people and 2 dogs.  I have learned how to love a dog.  I now know I will never be without a dog if I can help it.  I am thankful Heather BT shares her dog with me.  Maisy is a good fur friend.  The kids bring me joy like my students do.  I love listening to them and my students tell me how their day or week went.  I enjoy teaching even more than I used to.  I do think that having students saved me after momma died.  If it wasn't for them, I would have probably died of grief.  I lived for teaching.  I came alive for teaching and now I am alive in general.  I feel things again after several years of not having any feelings.  I can actually feel anger, hurt, happy, joy, and a multitude of emotions that I couldn't feel after momma died.  The first time I felt anger and hurt was in December.  We had an issue, it was resolved but I felt something.  That was incredible to me.  Before there was really no emotions in me at all.  All I felt was pain, both physical and emotional.  Those were the only things I could actually feel.  I couldn't feel anything else.  Grief took place of everything.  I just wanted to succumb to my grief.  Now, I don't.  Do I still feel grief?  Yes, I will grieve for my mother until the day I join her in Heaven.  There will be bad days too.  I know that.  Her birthday is coming up at the end of the month.  The anniversary of her passing is in October.  My birthday is in April.  Mother's Day is in May.  Maybe I will be able to be more celebratory towards those days and maybe I won't.  I don't know.  I am not there yet.  Time will tell.  Maybe next year I will be at a whole new level of emotions.  I don't know.  Right now, I have baby step ones and that is good.  I am happy or content may be a better word for the most part.  I love the students I have right now.  I love living in my childhood house.  I like my housemates and fur friends.  It is all good right now.  Who knows what next year will bring.  All I know is that I can at least look forward to it now unlike last year when I couldn't.

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