Thankful

Thanksgiving is coming up and every year Mom would ask, what are you thankful for?  We didn't do this the last few years as Mom was to ill to take part, but I want to do it this year.

For one thing, I am thankful that I had a Mom like I did.  She was a great Mom, even when she was sick with Alzheimer's.  When I was younger we didn't get along too well because I was a teenager and thought she just didn't understand me.  Looking back, yeah, I am surprised I survived being a teenager.  I was very angry because I felt that Mom couldn't control the boys so she was a control freak on me.  I now, of course, realize that she was just terrified that I would go down the same path as my brothers and she had such a hard time with them.  It broke her heart that her boys hurt so much that they thought drugs was the answer. How awful for a parent to watch her children go where she can't help them.  It was hard on me too, because they were so hurt and angry that I didn't connect with them either.  I felt at the time, Mom should have realized I would never do what they did because I could see how bad it was.  But, I imagine as a Mom, it was very hard for her and she lived in fear.  Fortunately, both boys have straightened themselves out and are back to being themselves again.  Richard is very successful and has a beautiful family, Andrew is just finishing school for a career he will be great in, I think.

I am also thankful for Mom because when I started to get very sick, no one knew what was wrong with me.  I had my first flare up at 17 years old.  I was a junior in high school and missed pretty much the last 6 weeks of school due to pain from Fibro.  Mom took me to the doctor but they couldn't find anything wrong.  Fortunately, the flare up ended by the end of summer and I could start my senior year.  When I was in my 20s I got sick again, only this time, it never ended.  I have been ill for over 20 years now.  I am only 42 years old.  Mom came with me time and time again to see doctor after doctor.  Like so many of us, they couldn't find out what was wrong.  I got told that it was all in my head, (like so many others that I know), I even got told I was emotionally disturbed and needed mental health help for that.  We left that office rather quickly and Mom complained to the AMA about that doctor.  Then in 2003, I came down with vasculitis.  Vasculitis is very painful, worse at times than my fibro.  It is when the blood vessels inflame.  It takes about 3 to 4 months to recover and most people start one episode as soon as the other is over.  I got lucky, mine went away and hasn't been back.  We went to the Cleveland Clinic in January of 2004 to see the specialist about vasculitis.  Mom came with me.  The Cleveland Clinic encourages families to come with you.  I wish my brother, Richard would have come too.  That was when I was finally diagnosed with fibro, in January of 2004.

Overall, Mom had been an important part of my life for all of my life.  Maybe if I wasn't sick I would have moved out and we wouldn't have been so close, but I don't know.  When you are ill, sometimes you need help being taken care of.  It has only been the last year that I have been able to do much of the stuff I can do by myself.  Until March of this year, I needed help getting dressed.  Now I can do it myself.  It was hard, and still is at times.  Socks are such a difficult thing!  but I am thankful I can now dress myself again.  I don't untie my shoes because it is hard to tie them back up.  I buy slip ons when i can.

I am so thankful Mom was my mom.  She was a really special lady and I hope to make her proud of me. I know she was, and I want to continue that.  I don't want to fall into a depression, I don't think I have.  i am sad a lot, but she has only been gone for just over a month.  It is a bit easier most of the time now than it was.  I think about her a lot, though not constantly like I was.  I have asked to stop sorting through the house until after the holidays.  I just don't want to add that to the difficulties of the holidays.  I am hoping to be with Richard for them.  I have checked some prices and I think I can squeeze it out, especially if I start work in January.  I am hopeful I will hear from them this week.  I really think I would be good at that job.

I hope you are having a good day too.

I am so tired!

I am so tired today!  I got up at 5:30, although I was awake at 5 am this morning.  I had to be up by 5:30 so that I could leave for the craft show by 6 am.  It was about 50 minutes away.  Ugh, I am so not a morning person.  I think I freaked the lady out at Tim Horton's by going through the drive through so early.  I took my drink and sandwich and headed to Redford.  It is on the west side of Detroit and I live Northeast of Detroit so I had a long way to go.  I haven't ever been to Redford so I was a bit worried about the directions, but I found it okay.  I only got turned around once which was good.  They helped unload the car and I went and set up.  The show was not well attended.  There were about 50 crafters there and very few people coming through.  It was a fundraiser for 2 elementary schools and believe me, very few people came.  I got lucky, I did sell 2 violins, but I didn't sell any books.  I did do better than Donna, she sold nothing.  The girl next to us did sell a bit, but not enough to pay herself back for the booth.  I think every crafter there was disappointment with the turnout.  I was.  At first I seriously thought of leaving early because there were so few people there.  I mean those that were commented on my violins, but didn't buy.  then about 3:30, 2 people came and bought 2.  I was so happy about that.  That will pay a bill in December.  I am definitely going to try ebay next though and another site too that sells arts and crafts.

Tillie and Maia were apparently here this afternoon.  I was not happy to drive into a dark house because I don't like that.  I left the light outside on purpose on so that I would be able to see when I got home.  I also left a light on in the dining room so the house would be lit up.  They turned everything off when they left and they also locked the bottom lock only which I don't like.  I want the top lock locked, not the bottom lock.  Please lock the deadbolt, it is harder to break into than the handle.  I have asked for this before, but it doesn't always get done.  I feel safer with the deadbolt on, not the handle lock.  It is a safety thing for me.  I am having a hard enough time being alone in the house, so I need the deadbolts locked.  Eventually I will get used to being home alone, but not right now.  Plus, I didn't know they were coming over so I was a bit freaked when I pulled into a dark house without any lights on.  I know they didn't know I left it on on purpose, but I did.  If I had known they were coming, I would have told them.

I am hoping this week will be a better overall week for me.  I have some stuff I have to fax to the state of Michigan Monday without fail!!!!  I can't forget like I have been, it is very, very important it get down.  So tomorrow I will pull all the paperwork that needs to be faxed and do it first thing Monday morning when I get up.  Then I will call the state of Michigan and let them know the stuff has been faxed so that I can finally set up my payment plan for the back sales and use tax from the store.  Such a royal pain in the bottom this has been!!!  Totally a pain!!!!

I am hoping for some new company next week for the week.  I will let you know as this happens.  Right now, I am tired of sorting stuff and need a major break from it.  It gets too upsetting for me to do.  I know people don't understand that, but they need to understand how hard this is for me.  It is very hard going through Mom's stuff and I don't want to do it right now.  I want the house to stay the way it is for a while, then go through the stuff.  I just don't want anything done right now.  I need more time to move forward, I feel like I am being rushed and ignored at times.  Like what I want doesn't always matter, it is what everyone else wants.  Well, I matter to me, and that is what counts.  I want things just left the way they are.  I am not moving anytime soon so the house doesn't have to be emptied yet.  Just leave it alone.

I hope your day has been good.  Mine was okay, not great, but not bad either.  I did sell 2 violins which is 2 more than I sold yesterday so I am happy about that.

Day before the craft show

My friend, Heather B-T's husband, Bill is coming sometime today to help me load the car up.  I am grateful for that.  She is ill so she is sending hubby to help.  Isn't that sweet of her?  I am thankful.  I have the violins in one area in the family room that are to go.  I also want a box of pictures brought up too because I want to scan them tonight and Sunday (when I am not recovering from the craft show).  I am excited about the craft show because I have never done one.  I hope to sell lots of books and lots of violins and violas.  I have about 20 of them.  I am not sure when Bill is coming, but since I am not booked for time anytime today, it doesn't matter.  Whatever fits his schedule works for mine.  Maybe he will bring the little man and the little miss!  Hm, that could be fun!  I just love their children, they are such sweethearts and they are so adorable.  I have the front door open (not the screen one, just the main one) to let him know I am home.  So anytime now he will be arriving.

I have posted 3 albums on Face Book now of Mom and the family.  I can't wait to post more.  It is a lot of fun scanning the pictures in and getting them on disc.  I think a lot of pictures will be scanned and kept instead of keeping the actual picture.  Scanning is definitely the way to go.  Saves on room and you can post them where you want.  I have a few pictures I need to scan already of Mom.  Some are from our vacations (as that is when we take the most pictures) and some from holidays.  I do hope that for Christmas I will be with Richard and his family.

I am still waiting to hear from the marketing company.  I hope to hear from them next week so that I hopefully will get an interview and get a job.  My goal is to have a job by the first of January so I will be okay.

The Detroit Legal News has published Mom's death and sent notice to creditors.  I already have one solicitation letter for real estate.  I didn't realize I would be getting them, but apparently I am.  Well, we aren't selling the house yet.  I am hoping the market picks up in a couple of years and then we will sell.  It isn't very good around here right now.  We shall see what is going to happen.

It has been a pretty decent day today.  I didn't sleep very well last night again.  Not that this is new, but now I am not sleeping because I am afraid not because of pain.  I am scared to be home alone some nights.  I have checked all the windows and doors and they are locked, but still some nights I don't sleep well until after 5 am.  I hope to sleep tonight as I am getting up at 5:30 am tomorrow for the craft show.  Ugh, is all I can say about that time, but hey, it has got to be done, so it will.  I can sleep in late again on Sunday and can take a nap on Sunday after my student, Katie has her lesson if necessary.  So, you see, I have worked out the recovery details.

I do hope you are having a good day.  I pretty much am.  I talked on the phone with my friend, went to the usual, and now am just waiting for Bill to arrive sometime this afternoon/evening.  I have some new magazines to read.  My books aren't that interesting to me right now.  I hope they improve in interest because they are by my favorite authors, I am just not into them right now.  I am trying to get interested in more stuff, but it is hard because I really don't feel very much right now.  I am still numb over losing Mom.  I can sometimes smile more now, but overall I am still numb.

I had written more, but it won't let me post it all.  I will post my thankfulness post later.  how weird.

Thursday 11-18

I had a blood test this morning for my protime.  It took 2 pokes.  Yuck, just not into that.  Then I went to the drive through for the usual.  I just wasn't up to going on in and sitting by myself.  My friend, Rosemary wasn't there so I did drive thru instead.

After that I went to the tummy doctor's.  It has been a month since I was supposed to go.  I had to tell the Physician Assistant I see about mom when she asked about mom.  She was very sad.  So was the nurse.  The nurse had tears in her eyes as I told her about mom.  It has been a month today.  It seems like forever in some ways.  I am getting used to being on my own but it is still really hard.  It has been 7 years for the nurse's mom and 14 years for the nurse's father.  She said even though she knew her parents were together, it was still really hard and it took a long time to move forward.  She said not to think about it moving on, because you never really do, it's moving forward, it isn't getting over either, just moving forward and that helped me a lot.  Moving forward is also what Richard calls it.  I am trying to move forward in my life.

I haven't heard from the direct marketing company yet.  I am hoping I hear from them soon.  I am so anxious to get this job.  I am also looking for other work too, so I am not putting all my eggs in one basket, but I know this particular company is hiring.  I will ask Phoebe about it in a couple weeks if I don't hear from them.  I know it probably takes more than 2 days, I mean, I only applied Tuesday.

I want to thank all my readers for their kind comments about yesterdays post.  I am so pleased to read that I am doing alright with grieving.  I have heard from several that have let me know that it is an individual process and I shouldn't be on anyone's schedule.  I will not worry about it anymore.  I am doing okay.  I did cry at the tummy doctors, but that was to be expected.  I am having a better day today than I have had in the last few days, especially on Sunday.

I have been looking for a new pair of running shoes for almost 6 months now.  Well, I was in Walmart and went to the shoe department, I don't usually do this, but their running shoes caught my eye.  I have ordered and tried at least 4 pairs of shoes so far and none have fit just right.  To my surprise, the shoes I looked at fit just right so I finally have a new pair of shoes.  I am very excited about this as my old ones are really looking old and the arches aren't too good.  I am hopeful for this new pair.  I will be trying them tomorrow at home to see how they feel.  I am hopeful that they will work well for me.

I went through about 24 envelopes of pictures and CDs of pictures last night, to find 5 pictures of me and mom, or just me or just mom.  I take pictures of everything but people!  Now I am sorry I didn't take more pictures of mom, but I do have quite a few too.  Not too mention she will always be in my mind and heart so I won't forget what she looked like.  I am enjoying scanning pictures too.  It is fun.  I will do more on the weekend.  I am going to have my friend, Heather B-T bring up the big box of family pictures.  Inside are many pictures of all of us.  I also am going to start bringing in a box of slides every few months to be transferred to disc.  I am excited about doing this.  Mom and I had been meaning to do it for years and then poor little Momma got sick and forgot about it.  I will do it in her place.

I have had an okay day today.  Outside of the brief tears today, it hasn't been too upsetting.  I knew the doctor would be upsetting because Momma came everywhere with me.  So now all of my doctors know and I don't have to go through that again.  I would say at this time everyone who knew Mom now knows she is gone.  I have gotten lots of sympathy, which at times I need, not all the time, but sometimes, but more importantly, I have gotten support on moving forward in my life.  It will be a hard thing, but I am not alone and that is important for me to remember even though at times I feel so alone, I really am not.  I have friends and family I can call, not to mention face book or email.  I may not be able to get a hold of someone right away, but generally, it isn't too long until I can get a hold of someone.

I hope your day was good and that you are having a good Thanksgiving Season.  I am thankful for all my friends and family.  I am also thankful that I had such a great mom who was also my best friend and companion.  I have wonderful memories of her that I do cherish even if at times they hurt right now.  I know eventually I won't the pain along with them.

family pictures

I scanned some family pictures from 1978 to 1979.  I scanned them myself.  I wasn't sure if I could scan it myself because I have never used her scanner and used a scanner with the PC.  I am not very good at computers at time.

Anyways, here is the eye candy from our family.

So some of the pictures we are in Montreal, some Niagara Falls, and Kentucky Natural Bridge.  Some of them may have posted twice, sorry.  I don't know how to fix out.

I just found out how, so I fixed it.  Thanks Missy.

Wednesday 11-17-2010

It has been almost a month, tomorrow will be one month since Mom died.  I am feeling very sad and angry today.  Sad, because Mom isn't here with me, angry because according to some family members, I am not grieving proper nor am I trying to get over Mom.  I found that out on Sunday.  I was at first shocked, then, upset, then really mad.  My Mom hadn't even been gone a month and I am supposed to be over her?  What the?  I mean, really, where is there reality?  Mine is gone!  I am learning a new life, and now I am supposed to be on their schedule?  Well, shockingly as it is, I am not.  I am doing the best that I can and too bad for them if it isn't good enough.  I didn't appreciate being told I am not working hard enough on getting OVER Mom.  I won't apologize to them for it either.  This is my life and I am working the best that I can.  Too bad it isn't good enough for them.  When I first got home I called Kathy and cried for about an hour, mixing between anger and upset.  I don't know what they expect but from what I have been told by others that have lost their moms, it could be a year until I feel normal again.  That probably doesn't fit within their schedule either.  So yeah, that has been my Sunday.  I also had family members talking about me behind my back and I could see them do it.  It was rather obvious to me.  The reason I know that they were talking behind my back is because they spoke to me right after and then conferenced again.  I did not appreciate that.  I am adult, treat me like one.  Also, Andrew gave Tillie permission to throw away anything of Mom's she wanted.  Well, I didn't.  I am the one who is going to go through her things, no one else.  I will decide what I want and what I don't.  I am the one who lives here, I am the one who took care of her so I will be the one to get rid of what is not needed.  I don't care that I am a pack rat.  I will cleanse as I see fit and when I see fit.  Which isn't right now.  I find it also annoying that outside of my friends and Richard, some members of the family haven't bother to ask me what I want.  I have been told to move back to Canada.  Not asked, told, not suggested, told.  I was also told that I can "prove" I am getting over Mom by getting a Canadian address and OHIP card.  OHIP is Ontario's health insurance.  Well, that would be fraudulent and I am not breaking a law anywhere.  I won't do it unless I decide to move and right now I am planning to stay in the house for a few years until we sell it and hopefully get more out of it then we will if we sell now.  There won't be enough to cover any equity line and commissions so I am planning to wait and see if it increases in value in the next few years.  According to the trust, I can live here for 3 years, well, I just might.  This is the home I have known forever, this is where I want to stay right now.  Maybe in a few months it will be different, but not right now.

I made an oopsie when I went to the doctor this morning.  It was for the arthritis doctor.  It was actually mom's appointment, not mine.  I threw them for a loop but when they called they said me so what was I supposed to think?  Anyways, I don't have to go on December 2 now because I went today.  I had to tell the doctor that Mom died.  She said Mom was probably happier now, well, I don't think so, I am not so don't tell me Mom is.  I miss her horribly and I would like to think she liked being with me.  I am not doing really well today and I have to go through this again tomorrow because Mom always came with me to the doctors and the doctor tomorrow will probably ask about her too.  Although it would be worse for me if they didn't ask because that would mean they forgot about my mom and that would break my already broken heart.  Either way I just can't win today, maybe tomorrow will be better.  I sure hope so because today rather sucks for me.  I either am angry or crying or both at the same time.  I should be better by the time I teach.  I have a new student tonight that I am excited about.  2 new students in one week!

I hope your day is better than mine.  I am going to nap for a bit and see if I can calm down some.  This crying and anger makes me ache more and very tired.  I hope I sleep for a bit because I didn't sleep very well last night at all.  I miss having Mom in the house at night, I really do.  I don't sleep very well sometimes by myself.

tuesday 11-16-2010

I have 2 students today.  1 is brand new to me!  I am very excited about that.  It shall be interesting.  I always enjoy teaching and am thrilled to pieces that I have 2 new students starting this week.

Tillie and Maia went home.  They were here today and yesterday.  I don't have any plans for them to come back as right now I am doing alright and can handle being alone.  I am getting used to the solitude of the house.  I have even enjoyed some TV stuff which is a first for me in several months as I was so worried about the little lady.  I really enjoyed the comments on her pictures and her story.  I miss her a lot, but that is to be expected.  The pain is not always gut wrenching like it was.  Sometimes it still is, but overall, I am slowly, very slowly, healing.  I think I will miss her forever, but I am trying to keep busy so I don't think about her all the time.

Today was the first day I went to the music store without Mom.  She was so proud that I taught music.  She would get so mad when people would ask when was I going to get a real job.  She would answer, she has a real job in a very stern tone.  She got so annoyed by people thinking I didn't have a real job.  Well, teaching is a real job!

I am not, however, looking forward to the holidays as of yet.  I do hope to get into the swing of things when they arrive.  I am going to put up our little tree on the princess table in the living room and that probably is about it.  I don't want to go all out like I had originally planned.  We all know why but I do want something Christmasy out because not celebrating Jesus' birthday is not good.  Why should he be ignored because Momma is with him?  I mean, how cool for her, she gets to celebrate his birthday with him.  I just wished she was here with me.

Not much happening this week except for 2 new students and my current students.  I plan to apply for a job today online.  I hope I get an interview.  It is the place Phoebe works and it sounds fun.  I am not looking for a new career right now, but something part time would help pay the bills and keep my disability so that is what is important.  My limited mobility shouldn't be a problem as it is a sit down at the phones all day job.  I probably won't want to talk on the phone when I get home though!  That is what happened when I worked at a call center before.  At least this will be a permanent type job not seasonal like the other.

Anyways, here is a picture of me and mom when I was at Kathy's wedding.  It was one of the best days of my life.  I think I was more excited than she was at this point.  She was so tired after months of planning.  I was so happy and excited about her wedding.  The other great days were the birth of my niece and nephew and Kathy's children's birth.  Graduation rates up there too.

I was thrilled to be one of the maid of honors.  Her friend, Karen, and I shared the honor.  It was such an awesome evening.  Doesn't Mom look simply gorgeous????  I think so.  I look pretty good too.  I can clean up well.  I still have the dress.  Doesn't fit me anymore, but I still have it.  This was in November of 1996.

I do hope this finds you doing well and having a great day!  I am having a good one, can't say great, but overall, it is pretty good.

monday - a busy day

We had a real estate lady here earlier to tell us how much the house is worth in this market.  I just want to have an idea for when we sell it.  We aren't selling anytime soon that is for sure because I am going to have a job that will keep me in it while I slowly go through it.  I am not in a rush.  I need time to really think about what I have, what I want, and what I need.

Yesterday, I was at Uncle John's.  It was mostly a good day.  I got tired and a bit of a headache at the end of the night.  I am not sure why but I did.  I left first because it was almost 9 pm and I needed to get going to drive home the hour and a half it takes.  I didn't want to be driving with a bad headache which was on its way.  Mean head.

Phoebe is coming over tonight.  I can't wait to see her.  I want to hear all about her new job.  She just started today so I am excited for her.  Also, she is going to give me information to apply for the job.  I know she went it to me before, but I accidentally erased it.  What was I thinking?

It is a bit of a sad day for me.  It has been 4 weeks since Mom died.  5 weeks since she last spoke to me.  I will always treasure the fact that the last thing she said to me and the last thing I said to her was I love you. I mean, how cool is that?  How many people actually get to say that?  Not many.  So many that I know of regret what they say to the person they love right before they die because they don't know they are going to die.  I am glad I have a beautiful memory of her saying I love you to me.  I also made sure for the last few years that I told her everyday how much I loved her.  Because she was losing her memory I really wanted her to remember that I loved her.  She remembered that until the very end as far as I know.  I would ask her, Momma do you know how much I love you?  Did I tell you today how much I love you?  She would sometimes say, yes, you told me, tell me again, other times she would say I don't know if you did.  But I made sure that everyday I told her how much I loved her even when I was mad at her.

Phoebe and I had a great time.  She made spaghetti with sausage!  Yum!  We watched the bucket list.  Surprisingly it was funny and I wasn't sad watching it like I was afraid I would be.

a Bit about Mom

Hi!  Since I posted the pictures of Mom, I am going to give a brief history of the little lady.  She was an amazing woman to me.  I know most of us feel that way about our moms.  Moms are so special, aren't they?

Anyways:

Mom was born in 1934 in Chatham, Ontario,  Canada.  Her full name is Vivian Albertha Paxton.  She was the first of 4 children born to my grandparents.  When she was small, she lived on a farm outside the city limits right next door to her grandparents.  Mom told me once when she was about 5, she decided she would rather live with her grandmother.  They were very close.  Now they are together again.  So Mom took her baby carriage and baby doll across to the fence dividing the property and toss the carriage and the doll over and hopped over the fence.  Of course, her grandmother said she had to go home.  Mom was very upset at that.  She thought that at 5 she should get to live with her grandmother.

At 8, Mom moved to Windsor, Ontario, Canada because her dad got a job at Ford Motor Company.  He worked there until he retired.  I don't know when.  Mom was culture shocked when she moved.  In the country, she went to a one room school house.  In the city, she went to a huge elementary school.   It took some time before she liked it.

Mom joined the air force at 18 years old.  I don't remember how long she said she was in it, but it was for a short while.  She left the air force and joined the army reserves in Windsor and there she served for 31 years.  She was the first woman in all of Ontario to become a major, and the 2nd in all of Canada.  She also served as an aide to the Lieutenant Governor of Ontario.  She loved doing that.  I remember one time we went to the opening of the Ontario Parliament (like their congress) and we (Andrew and I) were told do NOT run down the hall the other children were running down and scream.  Well, needless to say, I couldn't resist.  I mean, really, how would mom know, she was on the other side of the building.  So I started running, I didn't scream because that would have been to rude, people were working in the offices down that hall.  Of course, I ran right into Mom at the end of the hall.  Apparently one of her friends saw me start running and rushed to tell mom, laughing the whole time.  You see, Andrew and I were always on our best behavior when we were at official functions.  Her friends used to tease her about how we never did anything wrong.  Well, the person couldn't wait to tell mom.  I had to stand or sit next to her the rest of the day.  Mom's friends had a field day teasing her about how I messed up.  Of course, Andrew was too shy at the time to do anything so bad, only I did it.  I tried to convince him to do it and the smart little boy refused.  Good thing, we both would have been in trouble that day.

We had a lot of fun with her on the official duties at times, other times it was so boring waiting and waiting for her to be finished.  We always had toys to play with but you know kids, they want what they don't have with them.  Overall, it was kind of cool watching mom on a parade square giving orders.   (Unless she was bellowing my name, then it wasn't cool at all)  These are just some of the memories I have of mom.

pictures of the little mother

I am going to try to post some pictures of Mom.  I have created an album of them on face book of mom.  I was surprised at how easy it was to do!  I mean, even inept me could do it.

So here goes nothing!!!

So anyways, here are a few pictures of the little Mom through out the years.  I have so many to choose from that it was a lot of fun choosing.  The bottom picture is one of the ones that I am going to have enlarged and frame as I simply love the picture of mom.

Hope you liked the pictures!

saturday

I met up with Peggy today for lunch.  Boy, was it fun.  I had a really good time.  I am tired from it, but it was a good time.  I haven't seen her since the funeral.  I got up around 11:30 today and was a bit lazy while I waited for her call when she finished work.  She had to work this morning at her job.  She works in an office for a manufacturing plant.  Sounds like fun.  We were there for about 3 hours.  Yup, we sure were.

When I got home, I called Anne and talked to her a bit, that was fun too.  She and her boyfriend were making beef stew in a crock pot.  I am going to do that on Monday for dinner.  I have the kit and everything.  I love beef stew.  I also have a pork roast kit that I need to make too.  We will have that this week too since I will have company to feed.

I got a message from my friend, Missy, who warned me about playing the mind games about if I did this, would Mom still be alive type thing.  How did she know that IS exactly what my mind has been doing for the last couple of days.  If I got Mom out of the nursing home early would she still be alive, if she had not been in the hospital to recover from the UTI's would she still be alive.  Well, the truth is, is doesn't matter because my mom is in Heaven and all the wishing in the world is NOT going to bring her back to me.  Bottom line, she is in Heaven and she is healthy and happy and watching over me.  I miss her every minute of the day right now, but right now, I am alright and no trace of tears.  I had a good day and I am going to watch some TV tonight, Numbers, and try to enjoy myself.  I can watch whatever I want now so I am going to watch this show.  I have the entire season 6 to watch.  Anne loves this show too.  I had to stop watching it because it was on so late on Fridays, but also, it started scaring Mom and no show is worth Mom being scared.  She was scared enough, I didn't need TV to scare her too.  I am also going to scan some pictures of her tonight to or try to put the pictures we have on disc so that I can try to post them both on face book and on my blog so everyone can see what my little (and I mean little) Mom looked like.  I think she was simply gorgeous.  Of course, I am a bit biased, so bear with me on that.  She was the best mom ever.  I know, many of you say the same thing about your mom, but really, mine was the best!  He he he!  There was a time when we fought a lot as many moms and daughters do, but as adults we were more than just mother and daughter, we were best friends too.  We liked the same things, did the same activities, and simply enjoyed each others company.  It was a great friendship we had, I just wish my brothers had the same.  Yes, they simply adored Mom too, but they weren't as close friends as mom and I were.  Mom and I even went on vacations together.  I went on some with my friends, but I would come home and cry because something wouldn't be right or we got in a fight or something like that.  After the 3rd time I came home and cried (I was in my 20s), mom suggested I go with her.  Well, I did and we had a blast!  We had so much fun.  We giggled together, we talked and talked and talked.  We liked the same type things.  We were a lot alike in many ways.  I don't know if that is making it harder for me because we were such good pals, or if it would be just as hard anyways.  It doesn't matter, it is very hard.  I have new respect for people who have lost loved ones.  It is sheer hell, sheer hell.  Today, I am doing better though!  So I am taking it as I can.  Well, off to figure out some pictures!!!!!  Have a spectacular night!