Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wednesday 11-17-2010

It has been almost a month, tomorrow will be one month since Mom died.  I am feeling very sad and angry today.  Sad, because Mom isn't here with me, angry because according to some family members, I am not grieving proper nor am I trying to get over Mom.  I found that out on Sunday.  I was at first shocked, then, upset, then really mad.  My Mom hadn't even been gone a month and I am supposed to be over her?  What the?  I mean, really, where is there reality?  Mine is gone!  I am learning a new life, and now I am supposed to be on their schedule?  Well, shockingly as it is, I am not.  I am doing the best that I can and too bad for them if it isn't good enough.  I didn't appreciate being told I am not working hard enough on getting OVER Mom.  I won't apologize to them for it either.  This is my life and I am working the best that I can.  Too bad it isn't good enough for them.  When I first got home I called Kathy and cried for about an hour, mixing between anger and upset.  I don't know what they expect but from what I have been told by others that have lost their moms, it could be a year until I feel normal again.  That probably doesn't fit within their schedule either.  So yeah, that has been my Sunday.  I also had family members talking about me behind my back and I could see them do it.  It was rather obvious to me.  The reason I know that they were talking behind my back is because they spoke to me right after and then conferenced again.  I did not appreciate that.  I am adult, treat me like one.  Also, Andrew gave Tillie permission to throw away anything of Mom's she wanted.  Well, I didn't.  I am the one who is going to go through her things, no one else.  I will decide what I want and what I don't.  I am the one who lives here, I am the one who took care of her so I will be the one to get rid of what is not needed.  I don't care that I am a pack rat.  I will cleanse as I see fit and when I see fit.  Which isn't right now.  I find it also annoying that outside of my friends and Richard, some members of the family haven't bother to ask me what I want.  I have been told to move back to Canada.  Not asked, told, not suggested, told.  I was also told that I can "prove" I am getting over Mom by getting a Canadian address and OHIP card.  OHIP is Ontario's health insurance.  Well, that would be fraudulent and I am not breaking a law anywhere.  I won't do it unless I decide to move and right now I am planning to stay in the house for a few years until we sell it and hopefully get more out of it then we will if we sell now.  There won't be enough to cover any equity line and commissions so I am planning to wait and see if it increases in value in the next few years.  According to the trust, I can live here for 3 years, well, I just might.  This is the home I have known forever, this is where I want to stay right now.  Maybe in a few months it will be different, but not right now.

I made an oopsie when I went to the doctor this morning.  It was for the arthritis doctor.  It was actually mom's appointment, not mine.  I threw them for a loop but when they called they said me so what was I supposed to think?  Anyways, I don't have to go on December 2 now because I went today.  I had to tell the doctor that Mom died.  She said Mom was probably happier now, well, I don't think so, I am not so don't tell me Mom is.  I miss her horribly and I would like to think she liked being with me.  I am not doing really well today and I have to go through this again tomorrow because Mom always came with me to the doctors and the doctor tomorrow will probably ask about her too.  Although it would be worse for me if they didn't ask because that would mean they forgot about my mom and that would break my already broken heart.  Either way I just can't win today, maybe tomorrow will be better.  I sure hope so because today rather sucks for me.  I either am angry or crying or both at the same time.  I should be better by the time I teach.  I have a new student tonight that I am excited about.  2 new students in one week!

I hope your day is better than mine.  I am going to nap for a bit and see if I can calm down some.  This crying and anger makes me ache more and very tired.  I hope I sleep for a bit because I didn't sleep very well last night at all.  I miss having Mom in the house at night, I really do.  I don't sleep very well sometimes by myself.


  1. Heather, I just saw this. This makes me angry too..Who are they to tell you how to feel. Just go through your sweet mom's things WHEN are up to took care of her all those years, and if you want to live in the house for a while, this is your right to do.
    Gee, I got all worked up just reading your post sweets..hang in there and stay away from those that bring you down. You are doing fine..vent anytime, email or FB me, ok??


  2. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. No one can tell you how you should grieve or when you should be done. It doesn't work that way. You will grieve for as long as you have to...don't push yourself to follow some sort of schedule.
    Hoping and praying for a better day tomorrow.

  3. Oh Heather. I have been so bad at blogging that I didn't know about your Mom. And in reading back through your posts, this one really caught my eye.
    I had the same thing happen to me when my Mom died. She died on Sept 20th, and by Thanksgiving my sister had told me to "get over it". My other best friend just looked at me one day and said Karen, you should be over your mourning by now.
    Don't let ANYONE tell you how or how long to grieve. You do whatever it takes. Everyone is different. My Mom was my best friend, I was the one who took care of her and I wasn't about to have someone tell me to "finish it up." Nobody posted a sign and said "WHOOPS! TIME'S UP!" You do things in your own time.
    I would give you one piece of advice. Do not hibernate. That is what I did. Not good. It took e a while, but I got out of the slump and rejoined the living. My kids in particular. I just didn't want to see anyone, and turned into a hermit. From reading your more current posts, it doesn't sound like this is affecting you - good - I am glad.
    Take your time going through her things. We did Mom's so fast that I look back and cringe at what we sold and gave away. If only I could get it all back. But .... I do have special things, and it isn't the things, it's the memories. No one can take those from us.
    Again Heather, I am so sorry to learn this so late.
    Big hugs! Karen