Thankful

Thanksgiving is coming up and every year Mom would ask, what are you thankful for?  We didn't do this the last few years as Mom was to ill to take part, but I want to do it this year.

For one thing, I am thankful that I had a Mom like I did.  She was a great Mom, even when she was sick with Alzheimer's.  When I was younger we didn't get along too well because I was a teenager and thought she just didn't understand me.  Looking back, yeah, I am surprised I survived being a teenager.  I was very angry because I felt that Mom couldn't control the boys so she was a control freak on me.  I now, of course, realize that she was just terrified that I would go down the same path as my brothers and she had such a hard time with them.  It broke her heart that her boys hurt so much that they thought drugs was the answer. How awful for a parent to watch her children go where she can't help them.  It was hard on me too, because they were so hurt and angry that I didn't connect with them either.  I felt at the time, Mom should have realized I would never do what they did because I could see how bad it was.  But, I imagine as a Mom, it was very hard for her and she lived in fear.  Fortunately, both boys have straightened themselves out and are back to being themselves again.  Richard is very successful and has a beautiful family, Andrew is just finishing school for a career he will be great in, I think.

I am also thankful for Mom because when I started to get very sick, no one knew what was wrong with me.  I had my first flare up at 17 years old.  I was a junior in high school and missed pretty much the last 6 weeks of school due to pain from Fibro.  Mom took me to the doctor but they couldn't find anything wrong.  Fortunately, the flare up ended by the end of summer and I could start my senior year.  When I was in my 20s I got sick again, only this time, it never ended.  I have been ill for over 20 years now.  I am only 42 years old.  Mom came with me time and time again to see doctor after doctor.  Like so many of us, they couldn't find out what was wrong.  I got told that it was all in my head, (like so many others that I know), I even got told I was emotionally disturbed and needed mental health help for that.  We left that office rather quickly and Mom complained to the AMA about that doctor.  Then in 2003, I came down with vasculitis.  Vasculitis is very painful, worse at times than my fibro.  It is when the blood vessels inflame.  It takes about 3 to 4 months to recover and most people start one episode as soon as the other is over.  I got lucky, mine went away and hasn't been back.  We went to the Cleveland Clinic in January of 2004 to see the specialist about vasculitis.  Mom came with me.  The Cleveland Clinic encourages families to come with you.  I wish my brother, Richard would have come too.  That was when I was finally diagnosed with fibro, in January of 2004.

Overall, Mom had been an important part of my life for all of my life.  Maybe if I wasn't sick I would have moved out and we wouldn't have been so close, but I don't know.  When you are ill, sometimes you need help being taken care of.  It has only been the last year that I have been able to do much of the stuff I can do by myself.  Until March of this year, I needed help getting dressed.  Now I can do it myself.  It was hard, and still is at times.  Socks are such a difficult thing!  but I am thankful I can now dress myself again.  I don't untie my shoes because it is hard to tie them back up.  I buy slip ons when i can.

I am so thankful Mom was my mom.  She was a really special lady and I hope to make her proud of me. I know she was, and I want to continue that.  I don't want to fall into a depression, I don't think I have.  i am sad a lot, but she has only been gone for just over a month.  It is a bit easier most of the time now than it was.  I think about her a lot, though not constantly like I was.  I have asked to stop sorting through the house until after the holidays.  I just don't want to add that to the difficulties of the holidays.  I am hoping to be with Richard for them.  I have checked some prices and I think I can squeeze it out, especially if I start work in January.  I am hopeful I will hear from them this week.  I really think I would be good at that job.

I hope you are having a good day too.