Leibster Award

Thanks to Mia!  She awarded me the Leibster Award.  Here are the questions!

1.  Why did I begin blogging?
I wanted a way to journal my day for some of my friends that live far away from me.

2.  What is your favorite way to spend time?
I love to read, write, watch movies, and play with Maisy, the little Brussels Griffin dog.

3.  How has illness most affected your life?
I had to change careers.  I had trained to be a singer/dancer/actress and was in a few productions but the pain was so bad I had to quit.  I had also been teaching through out college so that is what I focused on.  I haven't been able to dance in 24 years.

4.  What is your favorite movie?
Beauty and the Beast.  I don't know why, it just is.

5.  What do you hope to share most with your blog?
how I still have a good life despite my illnesses.  I am happy most of the time.

6.  What are three goals for 2014?
to be more social, to be better organized, and to lose weight.  I am down 42 pounds at this point so I have a great start.

7.  What are three random facts about yourself?
I had no idea how much I would love having a dog in the house until my housemates moved in with Maisy.  I love the show NCIS.  Anne of Green Gables is my absolute favorite book series, EVER.

8.  If you could have dinner with any famous person in history, alive or dead, who would it be?
Muzio Clementi.  He is my favorite composer.

9.  What's your favorite song?
Amazing Grace.  I feel such a peace when I sing or hear that song.  It is such a hopeful song.

10. What is your favorite quote?


"I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me".  Without Him, I have no strength.

I am disappointed today because I don't have any lessons.  Everyone cancelled because of the weather.  Oh well, not much I can do about that so Maisy and I are having a nice day together.  I am about to go and watch a bit of TV.  It has been a while since I have done that and I feel like watching some.  Harry Potter is on the family channel so that is good.

Brrrrrrr! It is sooooo cold here!!!

We have about 10 degrees out today.  Oh my.  It is very cold but not as cold as it was after New Year's Day.  It makes me ache more when it gets this cold, like most others I know.  Yesterday, I braved the cold to go to Barnes and Noble bookstore to get the newest book by Sarah Addison Allen called "Lost Lake".  It is Star's favorite author.  I like her too.  I am finishing up a book right now though before I can start that book.  I just finished a really, really good book called "a Deadly Inheritance" by Alison Weir.  It takes place in the time of Richard III and Elizabeth I.  it was so good.  I just cannot say it enough.  That is how much I enjoyed it.  I have read several of her books and I loved them all.

Tomorrow I am meeting my friend, Wendy for tea nearby at the local Tim Hortons.  They have renovated the inside of the store and I am anxious to see it.  I can't wait to see Wendy.  She is such a good friend.  I have known her since the 7th grade.  We knew of each other but we didn't really get to be good friends until a few years ago.  We go to tea every few months and catch up with each other.  Wendy's daughter, Alyssa is a senior in high school this year.  It is so hard to believe because it seems like yesterday she was in junior high.  Kids grow so fast.  Just look at Acer and Calli.  Calli is growing to be such a young lady.  She will be 14 in March, already.  Acer just turned 9.  Wasn't he just 4 yesterday?  It sure seems that way sometimes.  My niece and nephew that I haven't seen since summer of 2008, are now 14 and 12.  I bet they have changed a lot too.  I sure miss them.  Richard said he would send for me but he never did and probably never will.  I am hoping as they grow up that they will seek me out and want to see me.

I am helping Acer with his spelling.  He procrastinated so he is on a time limit so he is a hard worker now.  I don't mind helping when he is working hard, it is when he is not working and fooling around that I don't like to help.  Acer is doing very well in school this year.  His spelling has majorly improved too, of that I am glad.  I think it is important to know how to spell well.  I am not a great speller but a dictionary is my best friend for writing.  If I can't spell a word, I will look it up or ask how it is spelled.   He has now finished his 4 sections of spelling for the day.  He did a great job, once he got down to business.  Acer has decided to continue working on some spelling so he can play longer when his best friend, Hayden, and Hayden's little sister, Rosie, comes over.  I love how he wants to keep going.

My student, Alyssa, has come and gone.  She did very well for her lesson, which is actually normal for her.  She plays beautifully.  Alyssa has played since September.  From day one she has really played well.

Tonight is a relaxing night since I am not going anywhere.

Thoughts about Fibro 1-14

Sometimes I just want to scream.  Today is one of those type days.  I have a headache, which is actually the norm for me as I have one everyday.  I am just TIRED of having one everyday.  I think I am just tired of fibro in general today.  I know everyone gets tired of stuff at times too, today is just my day to be tired of it.  I think if we got days off from pain, it would be different, but we don't.  Never, not one day.  At least that is it for me.  It is just annoying.  I try really hard not to let it get to me and to have a good attitude but today I am failing except for when I am teaching because that brings me up all the time.  I am going to tea with Star tonight so that will be good.

I keep reading how it is going to be harder to get some medicines.  I don't take lyrica or cymbalta or anything like that but for those who do, wow, on top of massive pain everyday, they now have to fight to get their medicine?  How is that right or even fair?  I know that people abuse prescription drugs but most of the ones who have fibro do not and they are going to make it harder to get our medicine.  I take tramadol for pain.  I have tried lyrica and I gained 80 pounds on it so I am not interested in taking that one again that is for sure.  Cymbalta didn't do anything for me and neither did sevella.  I am also at the point where if the medicine has a side effect of weight gain, I flat out refuse to take it.  I have so much weight to lose (about 100 or so pounds at this point) that I cannot afford to gain anymore weight.  I just can't.  It will cause even more problems than just the fibro.  I have lost 41 pounds at this point.  I will get weighed in April again.  I don't weigh myself a lot because I don't want to be tied to the scale.  I know how I get and I am not getting into that trap again.

I belong to a couple of face book support groups of fibro.  I really like them because they talk about alternatives to medicine.  One of the things I take is Magnesium for pain and over all health.  I have noticed a difference in overall how I am feeling.  I believe it has helped a lot.  The pain has decreased a bit from using the magnesium.  I want to get some spray and use it at night when my hip is really bad.

This was written a few days ago.  Today is better but I do get so tired of the headache that never ends.  I am going to read for a while and relax before heading to bed.

The end of the week 1-11 & 1-12

I am rather glad it is the weekend!  yeah!  No lessons tomorrow!  I am thankful for the lessons that I have, but I am exhausted and really need a day of rest.  Acer is putting the clarinet together so we can go over what he learned the other day.  He is such a good musician.  I am waiting for Star to text to say she is ready for me to come and get her although I have a feeling she might have fallen back asleep.  She did mention she was exhausted so it is a possibility.  If she did, that is okay.  I just have to wait a day for her to get her surprise that I got her this afternoon.  I am so excited to give it to her.  She just text me and is waiting for the shower.  Her mom is in it right now.  I love her mom too.  Paula is such a good person and artist.  Both Star and Paula are good artists.  I love watching them with their art.

Star and I are going to watch the devil wears prada, or that is the plan so far.  We may go for Harry Potter instead as we are both major Harry Potter fans.  It all depends on what she wants to do.  Oh, it is time to feed the little Maisy!!!!  Be right back!!!!!  Heather BT's door is closed and it seems like she is asleep so I didn't get Maisy.  I have the food ready for her for when she comes down later after Heather BT wakes up.

It has been a busy day surprisingly.  I had my 2 lessons and then I went to check email along with facebook.  I ran a couple of errands and when I came home it was time for dinner.  We had Elle and her family over for dinner.  It was so much fun.  Her four children are so fun and nice.  They are Angus, Natasha, Hayden, and Rose.  Angus and Calli are best friends and Hayden and Acer are best friends.  It is quite cool how that works.

It is Sunday now.  I just talked to my younger brother, Andrew.  I don't get to talk with him all that much as he lives far away from me.  Okay, it is 2 hours away but with his hours, it seems like even more than that.  He is looking for a new apartment tomorrow.  I miss him.  We don't see each other that much.

Maisy and I are spending a quiet day together.  The kids and Bill are downstairs hanging out.  Acer, as usual, is making music, I am not sure what Calli is doing though.  I just finished playing my words with friends games.  I love that game.  I am not all that good at it but that is okay.  I have a few friends that I play against that I am at their level so that is good, others, well, they beat me at every game but I learn something from them so that is what I want.  I learn new words and use them in other games.  It is increasing my vocabulary even if I don't know what they mean.

I have a bad headache today.  It is really annoying me.  I don't want to lie back down but I am thinking I just might.  I don't know.  I will see.  A nap may be just what I need.  I think my head hurts more on days that I don't have to teach because I don't have much to focus on or because I notice it more on those days.  It is hard to say.  I also don't have much to do with getting things ready for the week today so I am at a loss of what to do with myself.  It is kind of funny how that happens.  I enjoy the peace and quiet, yet, I enjoy being a bit busy too.  Tomorrow, I have a couple of lessons and I am not sure, but I think I am taking Star to school.  I don't know for sure yet.  I haven't heard whether or not her mom's car is working yet.  I sure hope so for her sake, although, I have absolutely no problem taking her to school.  It isn't a problem at all.  I know she would help me if I needed a ride and she was able to give me one.  That is just what friends do.

I think I am going to watch some Murder She Wrote while the kids and Bill are gone this afternoon for the other church service they go to.  I am on disc 2 of season 12.  Mom and I loved that show so much. Angela Landsbury is one of my favorite actresses.  She has been in so much stuff that I love, especially Beauty and the Beast.  That is my all time absolutely absolute favorite movie EVER!!!

The big snow storm we had last week and the cold snap ended up giving the kids 4 snow days.  It got down to negative numbers with the wind chill so it was too cold for the kids to go to school.  Basically, the kids were out of school from Friday to Wednesday with going back to school on Thursday this past week.  The were not happy to go back to school.  I stayed inside as much as possible because the negative numbers really hurt my arthritis and fibro so much.  I hid inside and read a lot.  I had very few lessons because of the school closings so I am hoping to be back to my regular schedule this week.  I am getting to the deadline of the property taxes and I am getting rather nervous about them at this point.  I am positive everything will work out, but I am still nervous and need to give this to God without taking it back.  That is my problem.  I give it to God and then I end up taking it back, like I don't trust Him or something, which isn't true, I DO trust Him.  That is one of the things I am working on this year, not taking back what I give to God to work on.

Well, I think I am going to read for a few or go take a nap, I am not sure which.  My head is really hurting now so I don't know if I could even focus enough on reading.  I think I will opt for the nap.

The Day Before the Storm 1-4

We are supposed to get a huge amount of snow tonight.  They are predicting about 12 to 18 inches of snow either tonight or tomorrow night.  I can't remember which.  Usually, they are completely wrong.  I am, of course, hoping for the completely wrong again.  We have enough snow and really, I don't think we need any more.  Yes, I know, I live in Michigan, this means snow in the winter.  I don't live in a snow belt area though.  Thank goodness for that.  We are about 30 minutes south and 45 minutes north of the snow belt areas.  It is nice not being in them.  My younger brother, Andrew, lives in a snow belt area and well, he gets tons so our small bit is nothing to him.  It looks like the worst will be tomorrow afternoon.  I think we are okay food wise and I just filled my tank up with gas so I know I am fine there.  In the winter, I don't like to go below a half a tank if I can help it especially if bad weather is coming.

Yesterday was such a bad day for me.  I think I pretty much slept the entire day and I mean the entire day.  I woke up about 2 pm and was back in bed around 3:30 pm.  I fell asleep again and woke up at 6:30 pm in time for dinner.  I stayed awake until about 8:30 or 9 and then went back to bed until 12 noon today.  I was just that exhausted.  I couldn't stay awake no matter what I tried to do.  It was awful.  I also ached a lot more than usual.  I was so cold all day too.  I ended up using several blankets to keep warm in the night and during the day I had my pajamas on as well as my dressing gown and I was STILL cold!  Fortunately, I warmed up when I was in my bed enough to sleep.  I am not as tired today.  I am just my normal tired.

Amanda had her lesson today.  I think she is going to be a temporary student, but I hope she will continue.  She is auditioning for a new community theatre in a town right next to hers.  It is kind of neat because instead of trying out for each play, you try out for the season so that is what she is doing right now.  We are working on "Part of Your World" from Little Mermaid and "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" from South Pacific.  She is doing very well with both of them right now.  We made some good progress today.  The audition is in 2 weeks so we have a short time to do a lot of work.  I hope she had the songs memorized by next week so we can start working on the interpretation part of it.  Amanda picked songs that will show her acting and singing at the same time ability, which I greatly encouraged.  It is an important skill when you want to be in a musical.  She is also a dancer.

My Aunt Michelle is coming over this afternoon.  I am not sure if my cousin, Jayson is coming with her or not.  I love how much I get to see her and visit with her.  We have lots of fun together when we visit.  Jayson is 6 and sometimes can be a little stinker but generally, he is a good boy and a lot of fun.  He is anxious to play with Acer and Calli.  I am not sure when Acer will be here but Calli is home.  She may be napping at this time as she had goalball practice today and she worked really hard so she is rather tired from it but I think by the time they arrive she will be awake.

It has been a Maisy and me day.  We have spent most of the day together.  She came into my room after Heather BT and Calli left for goalball and then we slept.  Then I got up and we had Amanda's lessons before we ran errands together.  Maisy is very good when we run errands.  She really is.  Maisy stays on her side of the car, in the passenger seat.  Sometimes she looks outside, sometimes she is lying down, it is hard to say with that little one.  When we get to our destinations, like gas for instance, though, she likes to be in my lap because we are not driving.  Once we begin to drive, off she goes into "her" seat.  It is quite cute how that is "her" seat and whoa to the person who sits in it when she is in the car.  That is her seat and that is that.  When Will was here, we took her with us to get dinner one night and she grudgingly let him sit in her seat.  This was after she gave him some looks.  It was quite funny.  We both chuckled over it.  Will is now in California.  We all miss him here, but that is where his job is, so to California he must go.  We are back to a household of 5 again after being a household of 6 for a few months.

My aches aren't so bad today like they were yesterday.  Even my side is somewhat behaving.  I have had some real issues with it recently for the last few months.  I don't know what it is.  It is deep inside and it is on the right side of my front torso.  It hurts to walk at times too or stand up straight.  There are sharp pains in it but then they go away.  I just don't know.  It is so annoying having these random aches and pains.  It really is.  It is hard to know what is fibro, what is not.  I know not everything is fibro, but not everything is not fibro either so knowing the difference is the hard part.  I am hoping that either it will make itself really known so I can get it taken care of or it will go away.  It seems weird, I know, to hope it will make itself really known, but this on and off stuff is frustrating and there isn't anything anyone can do about it because it comes and goes.  Why doesn't it just go!  That would be the best.

My Aunt should be here soon.

To A New Year

It is now January 2, 2014.  Tonight I am going to have tea with a dear friend of mine, Star.  She also has Fibro just like me.  We go to tea about once a week or so.  It is nice and relaxing and I really do enjoy her company a lot.  We have a lot of laughs together, which is so important.

Little Maisy was so ill last night.  Apparently, the little fuzzy doggy got into some fudge.  Well, she threw up about 10 times last night.  Once in my room, 2 times in the family room, and the rest in Heather BT's room.  She also got into some Carmel.  yup, the little one was sick as can be.  She seems to be doing somewhat better, but she still isn't 100% yet so no treats for her today.  She needed so much love attention yesterday and now we know why.  I gave her a lot of attention and love yesterday since she needed it so much.

I was so exhausted yesterday too.  I have no idea why.  I didn't get up all that early.  I didn't do anything earth shattering either but I was so tired that I was in bed by about 8:30 pm.  I vaguely remember thinking about 10ish that Maisy had been in my room because my door was open, but that was about it.  I was out for the next little while.  I wasn't in anymore pain than usual, but the exhaustion did me in.

I am still rather tired, but not as much as yesterday.  I don't have to get up early again tomorrow like I did today.

I went to the neurologist this morning.  She was on time!  I know!  I was thrilled!  I love when doctors are all on time.  My ear specialist is always on time too.  Anyways, they have stopped making the alsuma that I use for break through medicine but I have a new one now.  It is a sample and I shall see how it works.  I hope it isn't as expensive as the other because I couldn't afford the other at all.  Fortunately, I have a wonderful neuro and she gave me samples every time I went in.  No one knows why they stopped making it but they did.  I lost 4 pounds, which includes the 2 pounds I gained last month.  I am pleased that I have lost that much because, honestly, I expected a gain instead of a loss.  I am happy with the loss that is for sure.

My headache seems to be a bit worse than normal today but it could be because of the severe exhaustion I had last night.  It is so hard to say with me.  It really is.  Because I have a headache everyday, it is hard to know why they get bad when they do.  I have back up plans for when they get super bad now so I don't have to go to the hospital.

Well, off to read some more blogs and face book.

A New Beginning: 2014

Maisy is sitting next to me, the other Heather, Heather BT that is, is downstairs playing on her computer, everyone else is gone for the afternoon.  It has been a restful New Year's Day so far and I foresee it continuing to be restful.  In between every sentence, I must pet Maisy.  She is insisting.  She is so cute.

2013 is over, 2014 has just begun. I wonder what it will bring. I am thankful for family, friends, and furbabies, especially Maisy. My students are the best in the world and I love them all. I have several activities to look forward to in this New Year, competition, visits with friends and family, teas, and several other things that I am sure will pop up. I am hoping for a visit from Kathy to the H2 house this winter. I also am excited about several new books that will be coming out this year. One in particular by Sarah Addison! I hope that this year will be the best for everyone and that everyone will have better health with less pain and less fatigue for those who have fibro like me. 

I am in a better place mentally with my grieving this year than I was last year. I still miss Momma everyday and think of her everyday but I am in a better place with it, I think.

I have a few goals for 2014. I aim to reach my goal weight by december 2014. I did gain a couple of pounds in december and I am sure when I get weighed tomorrow it may show the same thing, but I am back on track now. I plan to continue to work on getting healthier such as looking into alternatives to medicine. The magnesium is working well with helping the pain levels. I also am hoping that I will NOT be in the hospital at ALL in 2014. There hasn't been a year since 2005 that I have not had an in patient or an ER visit to the hospital. It has to stop! I am tired of the inside of the hospital. I have a few others but right now I can't think of them. I wish to kick Fibros butt as best as I can. I hope that by spring that I will be able to use a walker when going to a store instead of a scooter. That is the biggest goal. So far, I can go up and down our stairs much better than ever, which is very exciting! I have gone to a small store and walked through it for the first time in years, which was awesome. I walked to and from both kids events at their schools which was farther than I have been able to walk in years!

I have several new books I am excited to read. I am branching out on my reading. Several were recommended by friends so I am really looking forward to them. I love my nook! I received several awesome gift cards for Christmas so I am set for books for a while!

So here's to a healthier, better 2014!!!!!

the coming of the end of the year

It seems so weird that it is December 20 already.  It seems like yesterday we were getting things ready for Christmas and now here we are getting ready for the New Year.  Yesterday, I spent the afternoon at my cousin, Nicole's house for dinner and boy was it good.  She is a very good cook and I really enjoyed myself at her place with her family.  My aunt and uncle were also there but they arrived late.  I did have a good time for the little time I got to spend with them.  i really love my aunt Michelle.  She is just so awesome.  I love my Uncle too but my aunt is such a great woman.  We have such fun together. I love it when she comes to visit and when I go to visit her.  We giggle a lot together too.  Nicole and I were marveling at the thought that we now live close enough to actually visit one another on a regular basis!  That is just so cool.  I am planning a cousin visitation for January for us soon.  Her children are very nice too and so is her hubby.  He works a lot.  I did have to leave a bit earlier than planned because it was freezing rain at her house and that would make very slippery roads so I needed to make sure I would be alright driving home.  The roads improved about 2/3 of the way home and the freezing rain stopped once I crossed the border so that was good.  Once I got back into town, there was no rain at all so that was even better.  I made it home with one sliding around the road.  I was pretty nervous for a bit after that but I did okay.  I drove slower than normal and that helped.  Most cars slowed down so I was glad to see that.  Anyways, it was wonderful day with my family.

This week there are only a few lessons just like last week.  Normally, I don't really have any, so to have a few is just awesome.  I have some money put aside already for the rest of the property taxes so that is good.  I feel much better about the financial situation than I did going into December.  I had a few students quit but I have a few new ones to take their places.  It is the nature of the business.  It comes and goes quite frequently so you just have to go with the flow.  I do need to check and make sure i have the CD I need for tonight for the new student.  Her name is Amanda.  I don't know anything else about her.  I will find out tonight.  She is having a lesson tonight and on Saturday.  I don't know if tonight will be her regular lesson or if Saturday will be but I will find that out too.  It is a new way take lessons is doing things so we don't have questionaires anymore and I really found them helpful.  I am going to check one more time to make sure they didn't just move them to a new area.  They didn't.  I don't even know how old she is.  In just over an hour I will meet her.  I called her mom but she emailed me instead of calling me back.  Well, I had Alyssa's lesson this morning and then I will have Bob and Faith tomorrow.  Nothing on Wednesday and a couple on Thursday and Friday with one on Saturday.

For some reason, my desktop computer was being awfully weird today.  It wouldn't let me go on the internet, no matter what I did.  Bill came home and told me what to do to fix it.  It is now fixed!  Yeah! No more looking at the internet through the little laptop.  Back to the wonderful world of desktop with the lovely bigger screen.

Every year, I choose something to work on about myself.  I spend a few days thinking about it and then I decide what I want to work on.  I am not sure what it should be this year.  I really don't.  There are many good things to pick but I just don't know what the thing should be this year.  It is something I have to also pray about because, well, without prayer and God, there is no hope of improving myself.  You know what they say?  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  So yes, that is what I need to do.  I am working on more personal space for people but that really isn't what I mean.  I need something else that is more personal than that.  Like one year I worked on attitude towards my brothers another was negativity in general, things like that.  Normally, I know what to do, but this year I am all hazy about it.  I have no clue.

Maisy is in her usual place next to me for now.  She alternates between me and Heather BT since we are her two people with Heather BT being her number 1 person and me her number 2.  I don't mind being number 2 at all.  I get a lot of time to be with Maisy and play with Maisy so I don't mind at all.  I love my time with Maisy so much.

Well, it is almost time for Amanda to arrive.  I have the CDs I need out as well as the music as far as I know anyway.  I am not sure exactly what to expect since I haven't spoken with her but I will certainly find out shortly.

Recovering from the Holidays

I am rather tired tonight.  I foresee going to bed really early as I am exhausted.  Clearly, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day have knocked me out but they were so worth it.  I spent Christmas Eve with Kathy and family.  The kids loved their gifts and so did Kathy.  I loved what she got me and what her parents got me.  (gift cards from barnes and nobles)  I was home here with Heather BT and her family for opening of presents in the morning.  Calli and Acer woke me up with sleigh bells at 9 am.  It was a pleasant way to wake up.  It was much better than the alarm that I would have had to set.  I spent the afternoon/evening with my aunt Michelle and uncle John along with my cousin, Jayson.  He seemed to like what I got him.  I did stop briefly at Lia's to give Tilley her gift and get mine and Andrew's from her.  Andrew was unable to come to Christmas after all.  That is a whole other story that I just can't handle getting into again.  It is too upsetting.

I had a good couple of days.  Tomorrow I will see Anne and David for lunch and that should be fun too.  I have 3 lessons tomorrow too.  I will hopefully see Star for tea tomorrow night.  That is the goal anyway.  On Saturday, I have just 1 lesson and then lunch with the student and her mother.  Tonight I have 2 students.  I am waiting for one right now.  I do hope she comes.  She and the following student are doing a duet for competition so I am hoping they can practice together tonight.

I was so proud of myself for getting things turned in for competition ahead of time!  Yes, I was early!  Right that down in history!  It has never happened before and I am so glad I was able to be on top of things this year.  It makes it so much easier for me.  Tomorrow, my Sarah will have an hour lesson to make up for some of the ones she has missed.  She is really doing well with her competition song.  I am really pleased with her progress.  Sarah is such a lovely pianist.  She really is.

I have a bad headache today, probably due to the excitement of the last couple of days.  I took some pain pills and I think I will be able to get through the lessons and then I will have a tea before heading for bed.

Maisy is resting beside me.  She is in her "scratch my sternum and my chin and my tummy" position so in between typing, I am scratching her.  She is such a good girl and good company.  I have decided that for me, as long as I can help it, I will never be a dogless household again.  I will always have a little dog in my house.  They are such great company and really help lower anxiety.  I can give them so much love and attention and they give me such love and attention.

Well, I am really getting rather tired.  It has been a long couple of days for me and today was pretty busy with a few lessons so I am going to have a tea and then bed.

Merry Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone enjoys the day with family and friends and less pain and fatigue!!!!!

The Bad Day Before Christmas

I don't know what it is, but every since I was a child, I always have a bad day some day before Christmas.  Today is it.  I am ready to burst into tears at any moment at the drop of the hat.  Mom used to call it my demon day or night because usually it happened at night.  Today, it is during the day too.  I am upset over other things today too but I was upset when I got up so I know it has nothing to do with this upset.  This is the before Christmas blah time.  I think later today after everyone leaves I will go and have some quiet time to myself and see if this can pass.  I so wish Kathy lived next door or in the same town because then I could talk with her about it.  It is so hard to describe this feeling.  It really is.  It brings all my anxiety feelings to the surface, not what I am anxious about just the anxiety feelings.  I feel utterly alone yet I am in the midst of people, 18 at this moment, including me in the house.  I miss Momma so much that I can barely breathe today.  It is as if it was yesterday she died.  That is how it feels today only it seems like years and years since I have seen her.  It has been 3 years and 2 months and 4 days since I last saw her, which means it has been 3 years, 2 months, 1 week, and 4 days since I last heard her speak and tell me she loved me and since I told her I loved her.  I want to hold her again and tell her how much I love her.  I want her to hold me and chase these feelings away like she used to.

I don't know why I get this feeling every year, but I do and usually it is when I am totally alone but not this year.  I know one year it was so bad that I was on the phone with my older brother all night long because I so wanted to not be here.  If there had been the medicine that is in the house now, I would have taken it all then but that was years and years ago.  I don't have that urge anymore.  I just feel like crap.  I don't ache anymore than usual, I just feel anxious and sad, very, very sad.