Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Tuesday 10-2

This is not my favorite month, although it is my favorite season.  This is the month that Momma died and it makes me sad all month.  It seems like yesterday at times and other times like a lifetime ago.  I miss her so much.  I really, really, really do.  Sometimes it makes me smile to think of her, but today, it makes me sad.  I look outside at this beautiful, sunny day and think that Momma should be here with me enjoying this day.  She loved days like this so much.  In 16 days will be the 3rd anniversary of her death.  I dread that day.  That was the day my heart broke.  It hasn't healed yet and I don't think it will ever.  I am trying to think of something happy with Momma everyday instead of something sad.  That is what I am trying to do this year so maybe this year won't be so bad.  There are so many happy memories that I have of me and Momma so finding a happy memory everyday won't be a hard thing to do.  It will be hard remembering to find a happy memory.

Today's happy memory was when I graduated with my master's degree.  Both Richard (the older brother) and I ha  d commencement at the same time although I graduated 6 months earlier in December. Since the school only had commencement once a year, I waited until June for my commencement so it ended up that Richard and I were together.  We walked down the aisle together and sat together.  It was neat.  Momma was so excited it was unbelievable.  For her, this was an amazing day.  She never expected that both Richard and I would be getting Master Degrees someday.  I also remember when Momma and I went visiting to schools to see what program I wanted to be in when I went back to school.  I had a student die and I just wasn't sure I wanted to continue with teaching as my heart was so broken.  As it turns out, I did, but at the time I didn't know.  Momma came with me and was as surprised as I was when the Detroit College of Business suggested a MBA instead of getting another certificate for business as I have a Bachelor's Degree in Music Business.  I applied, did all I needed to do and got accepted.  We were thrilled!  No one expected me to be able to go to graduate school, but I did!  Momma and I went out to dinner and a movie to celebrate.  I worked really hard on my graduate degree.  I really did.  Momma used to say that the Bachelor's Degree was for the both of us (as she helped me study a lot to pass) and that the Master's Degree was all mine.  So this is the happy memory of the day.  I wish I had a picture of us scanned to show but I don't know where they are right now.  I know we have them.  I also had a graduation party after the graduation and many of my students came. I had asked for no gifts but they didn't listen.  I bought an external zip drive with the money I got from the party.  It was lots of fun.  Tilley and Wilbert were there too.

Maisy and I had a beautiful snuggle this evening.  It was so nice and relaxing.  She is so good for that, snuggles.  Maisy went with me to get drinks and go to the bank this afternoon too so that was nice for her.  She also got to go when Heather BT took Calli to Jui Jitsu tonight.  Lucky little lady doggie.  She got 2 rides in a car today.  She loves car rides.

My friend, Mollie had a baby last week.  He is 6 days old and so cute.  I am planning to go and see them next week.  I am hoping maybe on Sunday or Tuesday.  It is hard to say tonight but one of those should work.  Monday is the appointment with the kidney doctor to go over the results of the CT scan.  So far it looks like the tumor hasn't grown but what else it all means, I am not sure so I will find out on Monday.  I am nervous in a way because with the clear cells that are on the kidney, I don't know what he is planning to do about it.  According to all my research, clear cells are the most common kind of renal (kidney) cancer so I think he will probably do something about it.  I just don't what at this point.

I am rather lightheaded tonight.  I am not really sure why.  I just am.  It happens a lot to me.  I just figure it is a part of fibro so I just deal with it.  My hips have been hurting more than usual these last couple of days.  It is weird how the pain comes and goes along with changing places whenever it feels like it.  Fibro is just weird.

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