my lovely Mom

Mom passed sometime between 5 and 5:15 this evening.  I was at the hospital until about 10 to 5 and then went home.  I received the call at 5:15.  I have an appointment at 11 am for the funeral home.  I am not sure the exact date of everything until tomorrow.  It is hard to believe she is gone.  She will never walk through our front door again.  The good thing though, is that she doesn't have Alzheimer's anymore.  That is HISTORY.  She is healthy and happy and will be missed.  I hope to show some pictures soon of her so you can see what she looked like.  I miss her but I have been missing the woman she was for 2 years now. Now I will miss the woman she became.  She isn't scared all the time anymore.

sunday

I was at the Emertons today.  We created 3 picture boards of her this afternoon.  Looking at some of the pictures made Lily and Emily laugh.  Especially when they saw some of the hair styles I had.  Mom's were not too out of it, but mine were.  There is one picture board left for her military stuff.  Some of the certificates will be shrunk down so they will fit on the board.  If we need more we can get it.

I am getting used to being in the house alone.  I have been alone here since yesterday morning.  Tillie and Maia will be here tomorrow, Maia in the morning and Tillie in the afternoon.  There is some business for me and Mom that needs to be done in town that Tillie will take care of in the morning.  We all know how I am just not awake that early.  I will go see Mom in the afternoon for a while.  She was awake when I got there.  I talked to her and stroked her hair.  You can't really move her anymore because she is so stiff and it causes pain for her.  I don't know how much she understands, but I hope she understands me telling her I love her.  That is all I can do right now.  I am very thankful for the chance to say goodbye because I know some of my friends didn't get the chance that I have to say that.  They didn't have the ability or opportunity to say how lucky they were to have a Mom like theirs, or in my case, mine.  I am lucky.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.  I had a great Mom and I told her everyday for the last two years how much I loved her.  I would say, "Did I tell you today how much I love you?"  Sometimes she would say yes, I did tell her and others she would say no, I didn't.  So I told her everyday.  I have been reassuring her that the boys love her too.  You never know how long you have on this earth, it is so important to say I love you.  It is so important because someday it could be too late.  My heart is still breaking but I know somehow, someday I will be okay and I will smile and laugh without the tears just under the surface.

I don't want anything done to the house right now.  I want to be able to smell her pillow with her scent on it.  Okay, I do need to wash the sheets and the blankets as they smell a bit, but not her pillow.  I don't want anything done to her room.  The only thing I want done is to have the hospital bed in the living room removed and they can do that in the next week or two.  It isn't a big deal.  Since she barely slept in it, a few weeks is all, I have no attachment to it.  The living room will go back into it regular look and that will be good.  I will be here in the house for a few months before I decide what to do.

I miss her already.  I know she couldn't do much at the end, and this summer she really just sat and rested, but I miss her.  I have been missing her for a long time and now she will be gone.  I won't have her sitting next to me at the table where we watch TV anymore.  I will be able to watch TV again, but it hasn't even really been on the last week.  I just don't really care about TV, I haven't in a long time.  It was used to pass the time and now the time is over.

I think I will head for bed shortly.  I leave lights on because I can't sleep in the house by myself in the complete dark.  Mom used to leave her light and the bathroom light on so she could see the last 6 months.  Then it was just her room.  I need a night light.  It is easy getting ready for bed now that I only have me to get ready.  I miss our routine.  I would take her upstairs, we would head to the bathroom where I would change her (it was much easier there than the bedroom), and then I would help her to her room.  We would sit on her bed and chat until she was ready to lay down and go to sleep.  The I would move her legs and she would say, Oh, oh, oh, (because it frightened her, but I had no choice) and then I would move her in the middle of her bed so she would move her legs over the edge and cause a back ache.  She would Oh, oh oh, then too.  I was fast so she wouldn't be scared long.  At the hospital they tell her when they are going to do anything so she knows what is going on.  She doesn't seem to be scared like she was.  She was frightened so much of the time because of the Alzheimer's.  Mom doesn't have to be afraid anymore.

I am grateful for all the time I have with her.  I have had a few days more than I thought I would but this week will be the end because it will be 10 to 14 days without food or drink.  A person can't last any longer than that.  I hope someday my heart becomes whole again.  Right now it is broken into pieces and I can't seem to put them back together.

It has been almost a week now since the beginning of this.  Mom was coughing on her food last Saturday, but was here at home with me.  I called hospice and they said to mix it with ice cream making it a frosty like substance.  Seems like a life time ago.  I have had 6 days to get used to this idea, and most of the time now, I am used to it.  She will never come home here with me again.  Her bed will never be slept in by her again, nor will her clothes be worn by her.  She lies in the hospital very peacefully.  She is sleeping most of the time.  Mom doesn't open her eyes very often, but she can't focus on anything when she does.  There are people there when I am not.  It is a program the hospital has so Mom will have someone with her when I am not.  I am so happy with that program despite the reason why they have that program.  I spoke with Margaret who has sat with Mom several times now.  She is hanging on, I don't know why.  I told her it was okay with all of us to go.  My aunt is waiting for her so is her grandmother.  My heart is breaking but her long, terrible journey of Alzheimer's is gone.  She will no longer be the fragile person she became and while I find comfort in that, my heart is breaking.  It is difficult to sit there with her and watch her barely breathe knowing that she can hear me but can't answer me.  She can't recognize me anymore and that is hard because most of the time she knew who I was so I didn't have to go through the agony of her not knowing me.  I know she will be better off, but despite all these things, my heart is just breaking.  I will be strong for her because she wants me to.  She raised me to be strong, despite being ill.  I will miss her and I miss her now even though I can still see her.  I can still touch her but she can't hug me so I hug (as best as you can with someone who is lying down) hug her.  I tell her how much I love her and how lucky I was that she is my mother.  God knew what he was doing when he gave me to her.  She was the best mother in the world.  The complete best.

I will be heading out to go see Mom shortly.  My cousin and her daughter are on their way.  Mom is still hanging on.  I am trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.  It isn't working.  I can't believe I am here.  I have known all summer Mom was failing and that by fall she might not be here.  I tried to prepare myself as best as possible.  There is no way to be ready for this.  I am learning this too well right now.  I have Tillie and Maia here with me.  Tillie spends the night and Maia spends the day here.  They are a big help.  I got a nice email from Andrew and I just talked to him.  He is in the same shape I am in.  I told him I loved him and that we would get through this together.  Somehow we will.  I just don't know how right now.  I already miss her.

Mom

Mom is hanging on as of tonight.  She was expected to pass last night, but is still with us.  I told her tonight that it was okay to go home.  I told her that her grandmother and sister were waiting for her.  I don't know what she is waiting for but she is waiting for something.

We have everything planned, the service, the viewing, and the luncheon.  She will have a service at our church.  The pastor has been up to see Mom several times.  It is just waiting now.  She has strong vital signs at this point.  There is a niece who coming tomorrow.  She knows she may miss mom, but she will be here for me.  She is heading for vacation on Monday and I don't want her to cancel the vacation.  It will be good to see her again.

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.  I really appreciate them.  I just can't believe we are at that point.  How did this happen so soon?  I was not ready for it.  Mostly, Mom is pain free.  She was in a bit of pain this evening, but they give her some pain medicine and then she fell back asleep.  It seems so unreal.

sad day

It is with such a heavy heart I write this today.  Mom is dying.  As you know, on Sunday she was having problems with swallowing.  She can no longer eat or drink.  We took her to the ER Sunday night.  The hospice nurse came with us.  She was asperating.  The doctors feel even with a feeding tube, she would asperate the food or drink so they won't put one in.  Which I totally understand because she would get pneumonia and that would be rather painful for her.  They say she won't feel any pain, but if she does they have morphine for her.  Her bottom is sore because of the pressure sores so she had some morphine last night.  My Uncle Ken, who we haven't seen in years, came to see her.  I am so glad he did.  His son, Kenny and his daughter, Audrey came with him.  I was so glad to see them.  They stayed for about 2 hours or so, Uncle Ken is very upset by this.  I think he may come again.  I am not sure what Richard is planning to do yet because he didn't believe me when I told him in the morning that this is it.  He thought that she would pull through.  He totally understands now and so he is processing this.  I figure I will call this afternoon to check on him.  Tillie will be here with Maia this afternoon too.  I plan to spend as much time with Mom as possible.  I know I will see her again, it is just that it will be a while.  I am at peace knowing she will be with Jesus and that there is no doubt about.  That being said, I am not ready for her to make a journey like that without me.  These next few weeks will be the hardest I have ever gone through.  I am just blown away by the quickness of all this.  At least, she will not be in pain and doesn't have a clue to what is going on.  I have asked them not to tell her because 1 - she isn't going to remember anyways after a few minutes and 2 - why upset her with those few minutes, she needs to be comfortable and peaceful.  We have had visitors all evening last night which I so appreciate.

Please keep me, Mom, and my family and friends in your prayers.  There are so needed this week.

Quiet Sunday

Rachel is supposed to have a lesson today.  We shall see.  She was supposed to have every other week lessons and she has had 1 lesson since Labor Day weekend.  You can see how I am not very confident in her coming to a lesson.  She is a senior this year and plans to audition to music schools for scholarships.  Well, I am not so sure she will be prepared as she hasn't had a voice lesson in about 8 months.  She had piano lesson last month.  I have picked out her audition material and I hope she likes it because they were rather specific on what they want her to prepare.  The Classical Piece must be from 1900 to today so I picked a John Jacob Niles piece that we started but never finished.  The Italian piece will be from her Italian book and I hope she brings it with her.  The musical theatre piece she can choose from a few that I have picked out.  Then there is competition, well, we need a spiritual piece and a pop piece in addition to the classical and Broadway ones.  You can see why I am a bit stressed over this.  Having every other week lessons boils down to 1 voice lesson a month and 1 piano lesson a month.  Competition is in February and auditions start next month.  I am not so stress about her little sister as she will have 2 lessons a month.  This, of course, is if the come regularly, which they have not yet.  I want her to do well and get scholarships, she is so talented, but it isn't enough.  She has to be prepared and last year at competition, she wasn't totally prepared.  She will be up against more like her, lots of talented people will be audition and she needs scholarships to go to college.  She can't just skate on by like she has been doing.  It isn't enough to have a naturally pretty voice, it just isn't.  You must have good technique and that is her downfall at this point.  We have to work on placement, most of it is good, but that isn't good enough.  I hope to see her this afternoon and we will be working hard.  She should be tired by the time we are finished.

Maggie is also supposed to possibly stop by today.  I don't know what time because she is also visiting her mother.  She may run out of time but that is okay.

Mom is now having trouble swallowing.  It doesn't seem to matter how thick or thin the liquid or food is, she chokes.  I called Hospice because I was getting very worried.  They are sending a nurse out to check her out.  They don't want me to give her anything to drink until the nurse comes.  I have read about this happening but it such a different thing when it happens.  They also want me to keep her sitting up and not lying down so gravity can help her get rid of the cloggy stuff in her throat.  I am so scared that she is at the point she can't eat anymore.  Well, we shall see what the nurse says.  The joys of Alzheimer's.  I seriously hope this is one disease they can totally eliminate of the face of the earth someday.  It won't be in time for mom, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone, even my worst enemy, not that I have one, you know what I mean.

Mom is playing with paper again.  I don't mind when she does this because it keeps her mind going and active.  That is important.  It also keeps her very busy folding, unfolding, folding again, unfolding again. Can you just picture this teeny tiny little 5'3", 82 pound lady doing this?  If I know where the camera cord was for the computer I would take a picture of it and post it, as it is, I have no idea where the cord is and the other camera doesn't have a memory card in it.  Someday that will be taking care of, I just don't know when.  It is a cute little camera, it is pink, one of my favorite colors!  If they had had a purple one, I would have totally bought it as purple is my absolute favorite color with pink as a close second.  My old room has a purple rug and yellow walls that coordinated with the drapes and the bedspread.  I had a canopy bed that mom build the frame for until that bed was changed from twin size to full size.  I love my big bed.  I sleep directly in the middle of the bed, no room for anyone or anything else, just me and I love it!

Tomorrow is Canadian Thanksgiving.  As a child, we used to celebrate both Thanksgivings, the Canadian one and the American one.  We would head over to my Grandfather's for the Canadian one and celebrate with all my aunts and uncles and cousins.  It was always fun.  We also would go there for Christmas dinner too.  We did this until my grandmother died when I was 9, then we were on our own for holidays.  We were invited to Tillie's, but with the problems Mom is having, we aren't going to go.  I am just afraid she won't be able to handle the drive.  It is an hour there and an hour back plus now with this swallowing issue?  Oh my!  So we are staying home and relaxing.  The nurse will let me know what to do with Mom so that will be nice.  She was able to take her medication this morning so that is good, but what about this evening?

Anyways, I hope this finds you doing well and having a good day.  I am just waiting for Rachel and her sister, Rebecca.

Oh, I was wrong, I misread the email, it is next week she wants the lesson.  I will get everything ready for her.  I have most of it ready.

saturday - a better day

Today is a much better day for us than the last couple.  Mom finally got up (she was awake but didn't want to move, much to my begging her too) and we got ready just in time for Aggie's lesson at noon.  We were starting to go over her Broadway music when I realized we needed to start Christmas music.  Since she won't be home until the first week of November, we had to get started today.  She picked out both her pieces.  One is a take on First Noel with Pachebel's Canon in D and the other has completely escaped my mind.  Yes, I do remember, Ding Dong Merrily on High.  How can I forget????  Not good!  My other angels will be starting their music rather shortly.  With the beginners, you don't have to start as early as the more advanced students as their music is much shorter that the advanced students.  Calli will be starting her vocal Christmas music this week or next depending on what she would like to do.  She has 2 songs already and will be beginning 2 more pieces for Christmas.  She is such a doll.  Acer will be beginning his after Halloween.  He is so talented that to begin now, he will be bored.  As it is, he will know his sister's music by Christmas too.  I have to break the news to the young man that Frank has taken a break from lessons so he will not be accompanying him on the drums at Christmas.  Maybe he can with Bob or Charlie.  He will be disappointed as am I, but Frank is just overwhelmed with school and marching band right now that he hasn't played the piano in a month.  That is just not Frank.

Tomorrow Maggie is coming over for fun, not for book club (since it isn't book club week).  I am excited about that.  Mom's friend, Jose, is supposed to visit this weekend too.  I am not sure when, but that is okay, we will be home pretty much all weekend long.  Mom is sitting at the dining room table with me and has been for about 3 hours now.  This is the longest she has sat here in a week.  Definitely a better day for the little lady.  She is playing with her favorite toys, the tissue and tissue box.  She folds and unfolds and then refolds the tissues over and over again.  hey, it is a cheap toy that keeps her entertained for hours!  What can go wrong?  She has had a few sips of Ensure and 1/4 of a boost pudding so I am happy about that.  I guess I can't expect more from her because she just can't give it to me.

I tried to call Andrew today but he is either not home or not answering his phone.  He does this a lot.  He changed his email and I don't know what it is now.  I don't know if he got my message from face book or not since he didn't answer it.  Both brothers are horrible about answering stuff.  I have just learned to accept it.  I just talked to Andrew, he gave me his new email address and I sent him an update.  I hope it doesn't shock him.  It can be rather shocking to realize that mom is very close to death.

I also wanted to thank Missy S.  She wrote a post a few days ago about her Grandfather and his experience with Alzheimer's.  It made me feel good to know that others have gone through this too.  It is one horrible disease, although I can't say I know of any good disease in this world.  It was a very touching post about his last days.

Anyways, I hope this finds you doing well and having a great day!  It is so beautiful out here, we were out for a brief period going to and from the car!  Mom didn't even complain she was cold so she must have been warm enough for a change!  We have the front door open to let the sunshine in!  Happy Saturday to you!!

great news!

I know I already posted for the day, however, I just got some great news!  My uncle Ken is coming to see Mom.  I messaged my cousin, Audrey a week or so ago, not knowing my Uncle would be in town, letting him know the condition Mom is in.  She told him all about Mom and the up to date info on Mom.  Well, she let me know she told him and a few days later he said he wanted to see Mom.  I am very excited about this because we haven't seen him in years.  I mean, he lives really far away from us in the British Columbia near Vancouver somewhere.  I am not even sure where.  So it is great he wants to come.  Mom was excited when I told her.  No, I don't expect her to remember, but it is nice she is excited when I told her.

busy day for the little Mom

Today is an unusual day for us as we will have 3 different visitors, all for mom.  First the nurse will be here.  I don't think there is an residual effects of yesterdays tumble, but she is getting checked just in case.  Also, they need to look at her sores on her tailbone.  Poor thing.  That has got to hurt.  They are coming with a plan of action for her.  Also, today is bath day so Mom will have her bath as usual.  She is still sleeping right now.  She was awake earlier today, but has since fallen back asleep.  I am certainly not going to wake her unless absolutely necessary and it isn't right now.  Then between 3 and 5, the foot doctor will be here to trim the toes and look at a bump on one of them.  I don't think it hurts her, but who knows at this point because she doesn't always know when she is in pain.  Sometimes she doesn't know until someone touches it.  I can hear her from in her, sounds like she might be getting a cold.  Oops, just a minute she is awake now.  She doesn't want to get up yet.  I am waiting for the nurse before I get her up.  The home health care aide will be here in an hour.  I just changed the angle of the bed for her.  She will probably go back to sleep.  She hasn't been very ambitious lately in wanting to get up and get going anywhere.  Sucks for me, since I don't like being stuck in the house, but hey, what can I do?  I have to do what is right for her right now.

I could fall asleep right now again too.  Maybe I will go into the living room and sleep for a bit.  I am so tired this morning too.  We got our flu shots yesterday and my nose is a bit stuffy today.  I don't think from the shot, it's the weather, as I get this frequently all winter long especially when it gets colder and then warmer like it has the last few days.  I am also very cold this morning in our house and it isn't cold!  I mean temperature wise it is 73 degrees, yet I am freezing.  Not good signs.  I will take something to see if I can head off a cold, I certainly don't want or need one and neither does Mom.

I will be fixing a pair of jeans today, I think.  I have had them for a few weeks to fix and just haven't gotten to them yet.  Mostly it is because I totally forget about them.  yeah, not good.  I will have them done by the weekend.  It isn't like I can deliver them right now anyway.  Today is too busy for us to plan on going anywhere.  i don't even know if my machine will sew through the jean material, but I will try.  

Not much planned for the weekend.  Right now we don't do a whole lot because Mom is really weak and getting weaker by the day.  She drinks on average now, 1/2 to a full Ensure a day and that is not enough for a body to live on very long.  I have been meaning to ask how long she can survive on this little bit, but I forget when the nurse is here working with her.

Time to give Mom her medicine and she if she is ready to get up.  I hope you are having a great day!

Sleepy Thursday

I had the follow up appointment with the doctor about the Urinary Tract Infection.  I am infection free again.  I was supposed to have a volunteer from Hospice come and stay with Mom but they never showed up so I had to take Mom with me.  Most of it was fine, except as we left the doctor's office she almost fell.  A nice patient brought the wheelchair for her so I could wheel her to the car.  Then she wouldn't get into the car.  Nope, not one bit was she getting into the car.  Every so often she does this to me.  I don't know why, but she does.  So what did I do?  I pretty much pushed her butt on the seat and moved her legs over so she would be sitting in the car.  She hollered oh oh oh the entire time, but I got her in so we could go home.  She doesn't understand that there are times you have to get into a car, no matter if you want to or not.  We then went to the drive through of Panera on our way home and I got me a nice soup and salad for lunch, as I was starving.  I got her out of the car without any problem until we got to the stairs to get into the house.  There, we had a bit of a problem.  She fell.  This time she didn't just wobble, she actually fell.  I don't think she actually hurt herself except maybe the wrist I was holding, but she landed with a thud on her bottom on the cement porch.  I called the nurse to let her know Mom fell.  She said to ice the wrist and she would see Mom tomorrow between 12 and 1pm.  That works really well.  I will get up at 11:30 and then get Mom up so we will be ready.

Not too much happening today now.  I fell asleep for 3 hours after the doctor's appointment.  I am just so exhausted these days.  Staying awake in the afternoon is becoming very difficult for me.  I did sleep better last night.  Unfortunately, I broke the chain that was at the top of the door.  Oops.  I will just bring the gate and close it off from Mom, this way she can't get through even if she wanted to.  She hasn't tried to get out of her bed at all which is good.  I will put it right near the door so if the door is open, it will crash into the gate, waking me up.  I also leave a light on for Mom so she isn't in complete darkness.  She gets very afraid of the dark now just like a child does.  I know when I went into bed I felt much better about leaving her downstairs than I had earlier in the week.  When I checked her tailbone this morning, it wasn't bleeding like it did yesterday when I got her up, so I did do the right thing by leaving her in the bed.  She was pretty much in there all day yesterday.  She just didn't want to get up.  today I have her sitting on the sofa.  I will bring her in here with me in a little bit.  I like her to sit with me for a time in the evening so she can watch some TV if she wants.  She doesn't have too, but if she wants to she can.  There is no TV in the living room, nor do I want one in there.  I have had it offered before to move the TV, but I don't want it moved.  Plain and simple.  I just want it in the kitchen where it is.  I like to work on the computer while I watch TV.  I am almost always doing something with my hands while I watch TV otherwise they go crazy.

I emailed the update to Richard yesterday.  I am still slightly miffed at him over his comments about what I will do when Mom is gone.  No one is more aware than me that I will not have a home after Mom goes.  No, I don't know what I will do.  I get disability and teach about 6 lessons a week (3 are scholarship) and that doesn't come to a lot.  I am more than aware that my monthly expenses for an apartment will quickly out do my monthly income.  I have thought and prayed about it.  I don't know how it will work out, but somehow it always does.  I had thought of getting a roommate or two, which would help us keep the house going.  I will look into my options at that time because you can't until you are there.  So I am up for suggestions, but right now my main focus has to be on Mom.  Bottom line, she needs me to be working with her everyday.  She needs my attention especially getting up and going to bed.  During the day, she doesn't need me as much unless she is going to walk somewhere but I do have to remind her to drink her Ensure.  That is my main concern right now.

I hope you are having a great day and are enjoying this beautiful fall weather!