Saturday, October 16, 2010

It has been almost a week now since the beginning of this.  Mom was coughing on her food last Saturday, but was here at home with me.  I called hospice and they said to mix it with ice cream making it a frosty like substance.  Seems like a life time ago.  I have had 6 days to get used to this idea, and most of the time now, I am used to it.  She will never come home here with me again.  Her bed will never be slept in by her again, nor will her clothes be worn by her.  She lies in the hospital very peacefully.  She is sleeping most of the time.  Mom doesn't open her eyes very often, but she can't focus on anything when she does.  There are people there when I am not.  It is a program the hospital has so Mom will have someone with her when I am not.  I am so happy with that program despite the reason why they have that program.  I spoke with Margaret who has sat with Mom several times now.  She is hanging on, I don't know why.  I told her it was okay with all of us to go.  My aunt is waiting for her so is her grandmother.  My heart is breaking but her long, terrible journey of Alzheimer's is gone.  She will no longer be the fragile person she became and while I find comfort in that, my heart is breaking.  It is difficult to sit there with her and watch her barely breathe knowing that she can hear me but can't answer me.  She can't recognize me anymore and that is hard because most of the time she knew who I was so I didn't have to go through the agony of her not knowing me.  I know she will be better off, but despite all these things, my heart is just breaking.  I will be strong for her because she wants me to.  She raised me to be strong, despite being ill.  I will miss her and I miss her now even though I can still see her.  I can still touch her but she can't hug me so I hug (as best as you can with someone who is lying down) hug her.  I tell her how much I love her and how lucky I was that she is my mother.  God knew what he was doing when he gave me to her.  She was the best mother in the world.  The complete best.


  1. That is what you keep telling yourself, Heather. I'm glad you have this time of "goodbye" and you can tell your mom whatever you need to. I wish I had that opportunity with my mom. I keep wondering if I told her I loved her enough. She sacrificed so much for me while I was growing up. She got me through nursing school by working hard at her job. Did I tell her I appreciated all that enough? I hope so. Hearing your story is bring it all back to me again when my mom died. I'm glad you are talking to her. Hearing is the last sense to go. Get some rest and take care of you now. Your mom is in good hands.
    God bless, Healther.

  2. I have relived the passing of my Mom AND Dad through your writings Heather. Part of me doesn't want to feel that loss again, the other part of me is gratful as it brings my Mom and Dad back to me for awhile. Being with my parents as they passed on to be with God was an amazing experience and a privilage. They taught me many lessons during the last few days of their lives even though they could not verbally communicate.

    My heart breaks for you Heather, but I know that you will be ok. I send gentle hugs for you and Mom