sunday

I was at the Emertons today.  We created 3 picture boards of her this afternoon.  Looking at some of the pictures made Lily and Emily laugh.  Especially when they saw some of the hair styles I had.  Mom's were not too out of it, but mine were.  There is one picture board left for her military stuff.  Some of the certificates will be shrunk down so they will fit on the board.  If we need more we can get it.

I am getting used to being in the house alone.  I have been alone here since yesterday morning.  Tillie and Maia will be here tomorrow, Maia in the morning and Tillie in the afternoon.  There is some business for me and Mom that needs to be done in town that Tillie will take care of in the morning.  We all know how I am just not awake that early.  I will go see Mom in the afternoon for a while.  She was awake when I got there.  I talked to her and stroked her hair.  You can't really move her anymore because she is so stiff and it causes pain for her.  I don't know how much she understands, but I hope she understands me telling her I love her.  That is all I can do right now.  I am very thankful for the chance to say goodbye because I know some of my friends didn't get the chance that I have to say that.  They didn't have the ability or opportunity to say how lucky they were to have a Mom like theirs, or in my case, mine.  I am lucky.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.  I had a great Mom and I told her everyday for the last two years how much I loved her.  I would say, "Did I tell you today how much I love you?"  Sometimes she would say yes, I did tell her and others she would say no, I didn't.  So I told her everyday.  I have been reassuring her that the boys love her too.  You never know how long you have on this earth, it is so important to say I love you.  It is so important because someday it could be too late.  My heart is still breaking but I know somehow, someday I will be okay and I will smile and laugh without the tears just under the surface.

I don't want anything done to the house right now.  I want to be able to smell her pillow with her scent on it.  Okay, I do need to wash the sheets and the blankets as they smell a bit, but not her pillow.  I don't want anything done to her room.  The only thing I want done is to have the hospital bed in the living room removed and they can do that in the next week or two.  It isn't a big deal.  Since she barely slept in it, a few weeks is all, I have no attachment to it.  The living room will go back into it regular look and that will be good.  I will be here in the house for a few months before I decide what to do.

I miss her already.  I know she couldn't do much at the end, and this summer she really just sat and rested, but I miss her.  I have been missing her for a long time and now she will be gone.  I won't have her sitting next to me at the table where we watch TV anymore.  I will be able to watch TV again, but it hasn't even really been on the last week.  I just don't really care about TV, I haven't in a long time.  It was used to pass the time and now the time is over.

I think I will head for bed shortly.  I leave lights on because I can't sleep in the house by myself in the complete dark.  Mom used to leave her light and the bathroom light on so she could see the last 6 months.  Then it was just her room.  I need a night light.  It is easy getting ready for bed now that I only have me to get ready.  I miss our routine.  I would take her upstairs, we would head to the bathroom where I would change her (it was much easier there than the bedroom), and then I would help her to her room.  We would sit on her bed and chat until she was ready to lay down and go to sleep.  The I would move her legs and she would say, Oh, oh, oh, (because it frightened her, but I had no choice) and then I would move her in the middle of her bed so she would move her legs over the edge and cause a back ache.  She would Oh, oh oh, then too.  I was fast so she wouldn't be scared long.  At the hospital they tell her when they are going to do anything so she knows what is going on.  She doesn't seem to be scared like she was.  She was frightened so much of the time because of the Alzheimer's.  Mom doesn't have to be afraid anymore.

I am grateful for all the time I have with her.  I have had a few days more than I thought I would but this week will be the end because it will be 10 to 14 days without food or drink.  A person can't last any longer than that.  I hope someday my heart becomes whole again.  Right now it is broken into pieces and I can't seem to put them back together.