I went to Kalamazoo for a few days to see Kathy and her family. It was a lot of fun. Tomorrow is the service at the cemetery where Mom's ashes are going to be buried. I am not looking forward to that. I am tired and kind of cranky right now. When I left, Tillie and Maia were still here and they turned off the heat, which is fine, but they forgot to turn it back on! Oh my! It is like so cold in here right now. I turned it back on that is for sure. Thank goodness it didn't get too cold at night or I would have been in big trouble. I am glad I came home instead of going straight to Windsor as it is supposed to get super cold tonight. I know I get colder than everyone else, that is for sure but heat must be turned back on.
I bought me 2 hoodies in Kalamazoo. I have a cute blue one and a cute gray one, they aren't pink like I wanted, but I will be just fine with these. I have other hoodies, but the problem is they belong to other outfits and well, they have to be worn with those outfits or eventually one part of the outfit will fade before the other and I don't want that to happen. They are quite cute outfits and I love them.
Kathy's youngest son, Jacob, turned 9 on Wednesday so I got to be there for the birthday dinner and cake and ice cream! How cool was that? I was pretty excited about that. I saw the twins put their Halloween costumes on in time for the preschool party. Alicia was Ariel and Samantha was Belle. Both girls looked really adorable. I will be changing the picture on my phone to them so when their Mom calls, the picture will pop up.
I haven't heard anything more about the 2 new potential students. The one lady who called said she was going to call about 6 other people and then let me know. That can take a few days. The email, I haven't heard back from either, so I am still hopeful about that.
Well, that is about it for the day. My head is sore because of the long drive by myself. I definitely prefer driving with someone else in the car. Not fun driving by oneself. Not fun at all. I tried not to remember the last time I drove out that way was when Mom and I went to Kalamazoo this summer to see Kathy and family. We had such a good time and Mom did so good during that whole trip. She slept nicely in the hotel, she was chatting away, and then playing with the girls. It was just fun. I try not to think about her all the time but it is so hard right now. She is always with me. I miss her so much, and tomorrow will be difficult but somehow I will muddle through and then come home and rest. I am so tired today too, just completely exhausted. I was supposed to go and spend the night in Windsor, but I am so exhausted, I think I am turning in extremely early and then get up super early. I will be in Windsor by 8 am to leave for the cemetery. I think that is what I am going to do. I have to get my stuff out of the car now.
I hope this finds you having a good day.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Keeping Faith
Today I was reading one of the blogs I read, and it hit me. I have to let this money situation go and let God take care of it. That is what I believe, so now is the time to act upon it. I am praying. I know somehow the financial situation will work out and I will be living where I am supposed to be. Today, I am more hopeful. Mom is also watching out for me. I know she is. It is a bit easier right now for me. Earlier in the doctor office it was hard because it was the first time since Mom died that I had been in there and the nurses all wanted to let me know how sorry they were. I was thankful. So many people have been so kind to me. I miss her all the time. How could I not? She was my whole life for the last few years, and before that she came with me to my store everyday. Yup, everyday, the little Mom would get up and get ready to go to work with me. It was awesome. Some days she would help a bit, but others she would sit and talk to the students or the customers or just do her puzzle books. Everyone loved her especially the little ones. She was very friendly to everyone. She grieved with me when the economy took my beloved store. But once again, God provides. He showed me a way to pay our bills. He showed me He wanted me to take care of Mom. We may have been late on some bills, but not very often. He provided. I can see that now. Now I need to trust Him again.
Many relatives will be at the burial on Saturday. I hope to see them again afterward. With the family so scattered, as many families are, it is important to get together. The last time I saw all of them, before this past weekend, was Momma's party in March. It was nice to see so many of them there. Then we had the friend party, wow, so many of our friends and neighbors came to that too. I am truly blessed to have the family and friends that I have. I have been feeling much better this afternoon. Mom is still with me. I won't ever forget her, but she wanted me to go on even if she wasn't here. That was her wish. She told me so years ago when she first became ill. She wanted me to be strong. Well, I will be, because she will always be in my heart.
I received an email today from a woman who wants voice lessons and wanted to know if I taught adults. Well, I do. Then, I received a phone call from a woman who wants piano lessons! Talk about God's timing! I do hope that I will soon have 2 more students. I will also be looking for a job, but hey, if I get enough students, then that is the job.
It is raining and windy today here. It down poured for a while this afternoon. We are under a tornado watch in our area until about 6 pm. I do hope it passes over us and no one gets hurt. So far, tears are under control today. It is definitely a better day than yesterday. I hope your day is good too.
Many relatives will be at the burial on Saturday. I hope to see them again afterward. With the family so scattered, as many families are, it is important to get together. The last time I saw all of them, before this past weekend, was Momma's party in March. It was nice to see so many of them there. Then we had the friend party, wow, so many of our friends and neighbors came to that too. I am truly blessed to have the family and friends that I have. I have been feeling much better this afternoon. Mom is still with me. I won't ever forget her, but she wanted me to go on even if she wasn't here. That was her wish. She told me so years ago when she first became ill. She wanted me to be strong. Well, I will be, because she will always be in my heart.
I received an email today from a woman who wants voice lessons and wanted to know if I taught adults. Well, I do. Then, I received a phone call from a woman who wants piano lessons! Talk about God's timing! I do hope that I will soon have 2 more students. I will also be looking for a job, but hey, if I get enough students, then that is the job.
It is raining and windy today here. It down poured for a while this afternoon. We are under a tornado watch in our area until about 6 pm. I do hope it passes over us and no one gets hurt. So far, tears are under control today. It is definitely a better day than yesterday. I hope your day is good too.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday
I am doing okay today. I did almost break down a couple of times, but one was when someone called and asked to talk to Mom and the other was buying the thank you notes for the visitation and the funeral. It is very strange to do errands without the little Momma with me. I mean, up until summer, I took her everywhere with me. She was always with me and has been for about 5 years so you can see why it is so strange for me. I took the Deed to the house to the Registry of Deeds to change over the house from Mom to her trust. I paid for the funeral and the meat for the church luncheon. One more activity for us and then Mom will be resting in peace. I have to pick up her ashes tomorrow. That will seem very weird too because she will be in a small box. I am glad I have company because it is creepy to have someone's ashes in the house I think. I will be taking them across the border on Friday when I head to Tillie's for the night. I am spending the night because I don't know how early I have to get up to get there on Saturday. You never know with the border. It could be a breeze or it could be an hour. One just never knows.
Pain wise, I am doing okay. My hips don't hurt so much at night anymore since I am not pulling Mom across the dining room and kitchen to the back bathroom nor am I struggling to get her upstairs. I sleep a bit better when someone is in the house with me than I do when I am alone. I know I will get used to it, but right now I am not. Rare has been the time I have been alone at night in the house. When I am by myself I leave the kitchen light on because it comforts me. I don't feel so alone with the light on. I have a night light in the bathroom now, I will see if that will be enough light for me when I am alone.
I have 4 lessons today, 2 for Calli, then Acer and Bob. I am glad. It gives me something to look forward to and something to do with my time. I contacted a friend of mine who's place of work has some openings. I will find out about hopefully tonight or sometime this week.
My friend, Donna, has assured me that the pain of losing Mom will get easier. I sure hope so because right now it hurts a lot, more than my fibro pain. I feel tears all the time just below the surface. I can't get a job and be a wreck so I am hoping by next week or so I am a little better. I just can't believe this happened now. Deep down I have known all summer she was dying, but still, I thought I could be better prepared for the actuality of it. I now know, I can't, no one can. Even when it is expected, it still hurts so much. I am thankful for the time we had together, even with the Alzheimer's. I got to take care of her and I didn't have to miss spending time with her like my brothers did. They missed out on a lot of stuff. I was with her all day, everyday. Like I said, she came everywhere with me. She liked going out with me. She loved going to lessons with me. She loved music and sewing. Listening to the students, no matter the level, made her smile and gave her enjoyment. She loved going to the movies with me. I loved having her with me, all the time, most of the time. She would help me at competitions and at recitals with holding stuff for me or getting something ready for me so I could focus on the kids. That was just Mom. She had come to competition with me for 20 years of my students competing. She simply loved going and I loved having her because she was so helpful and my companion.
I hope you are having a good day. It is beautiful out. A nice, lovely October day. We all know what I wish, but I am hoping Mom is smiling down from Heaven enjoying the weather with me.
Pain wise, I am doing okay. My hips don't hurt so much at night anymore since I am not pulling Mom across the dining room and kitchen to the back bathroom nor am I struggling to get her upstairs. I sleep a bit better when someone is in the house with me than I do when I am alone. I know I will get used to it, but right now I am not. Rare has been the time I have been alone at night in the house. When I am by myself I leave the kitchen light on because it comforts me. I don't feel so alone with the light on. I have a night light in the bathroom now, I will see if that will be enough light for me when I am alone.
I have 4 lessons today, 2 for Calli, then Acer and Bob. I am glad. It gives me something to look forward to and something to do with my time. I contacted a friend of mine who's place of work has some openings. I will find out about hopefully tonight or sometime this week.
My friend, Donna, has assured me that the pain of losing Mom will get easier. I sure hope so because right now it hurts a lot, more than my fibro pain. I feel tears all the time just below the surface. I can't get a job and be a wreck so I am hoping by next week or so I am a little better. I just can't believe this happened now. Deep down I have known all summer she was dying, but still, I thought I could be better prepared for the actuality of it. I now know, I can't, no one can. Even when it is expected, it still hurts so much. I am thankful for the time we had together, even with the Alzheimer's. I got to take care of her and I didn't have to miss spending time with her like my brothers did. They missed out on a lot of stuff. I was with her all day, everyday. Like I said, she came everywhere with me. She liked going out with me. She loved going to lessons with me. She loved music and sewing. Listening to the students, no matter the level, made her smile and gave her enjoyment. She loved going to the movies with me. I loved having her with me, all the time, most of the time. She would help me at competitions and at recitals with holding stuff for me or getting something ready for me so I could focus on the kids. That was just Mom. She had come to competition with me for 20 years of my students competing. She simply loved going and I loved having her because she was so helpful and my companion.
I hope you are having a good day. It is beautiful out. A nice, lovely October day. We all know what I wish, but I am hoping Mom is smiling down from Heaven enjoying the weather with me.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
It is finished
The funeral for Mom was yesterday. The minister did a really nice job although she only just met Mom. She would have liked Mom had she been able to get to know her. The luncheon was really nice too. There were a lot of people there. I was thankful. The opening music was the Canadian National Anthem and as they brought Mom's casket down, I lost it. It was so moving to me. I composed myself and did better after that. I even managed to sing (with Katie) pretty well so I was pleased I got through that nicely. I think Mom would have liked it a lot. She would have not been happy about being the center of attention, but she would have liked the song I sang. I sang "You Raise Me Up", the Celtic Woman version.
I dropped Richard off today so he could go for another week of work. I don't know how he is handling this because he keeps things to himself. I was glad to finally see him after more than 2 years of not being able to see him. He just called. He arrived safely and is heading to the hotel to get ready for tomorrow's day of work. I miss him already but not as much as mom.
It is very strange and quiet in the house. Tillie is coming back over tonight to stay for a few days. I am glad. I don't want to be alone right now. In a week or so it will be okay, but right now I cry at the drop of a hat it seems. The quiet is so loud to me. I look out the window and I hope that Mom is enjoying herself in Heaven. I miss her so much. I miss the woman she was and the woman she became with Alzheimer's. It is very weird not having her to take care of. I can go where I want, when I want. Yet, I would give almost anything to have her back. I know it is impossible, but I want her back right her where she belongs, with me. We were a team, that's what I used to tell her. She would smile at that. I supposed I should be thankful she never got totally into stage 7. She never lost her smile or her communication skills totally, but I am not, because she is gone. I feel her around me and sometimes I talk to her. I tell her I will be okay, even though the tears are right below the surface. I cry very easy today. I hope that eventually goes away because you can't go through life with tears all the time.
I am going to be working on my list of things to do. I have so much that has to be done. First thing tomorrow I have some errands to run. I have 4 lessons tomorrow that I am so grateful that I have. I love teaching, it gives me such joy. Mom enjoyed listening to the lessons too. I will miss that. There is so much that I will miss. Still, I have so many memories to think of that will eventually make me smile.
I hope you had a good weekend. It has been tough for me, but I did get through it, maybe not with flying colors, but I think Mom would have been happy with how well things went and how many people came to see her.
I dropped Richard off today so he could go for another week of work. I don't know how he is handling this because he keeps things to himself. I was glad to finally see him after more than 2 years of not being able to see him. He just called. He arrived safely and is heading to the hotel to get ready for tomorrow's day of work. I miss him already but not as much as mom.
It is very strange and quiet in the house. Tillie is coming back over tonight to stay for a few days. I am glad. I don't want to be alone right now. In a week or so it will be okay, but right now I cry at the drop of a hat it seems. The quiet is so loud to me. I look out the window and I hope that Mom is enjoying herself in Heaven. I miss her so much. I miss the woman she was and the woman she became with Alzheimer's. It is very weird not having her to take care of. I can go where I want, when I want. Yet, I would give almost anything to have her back. I know it is impossible, but I want her back right her where she belongs, with me. We were a team, that's what I used to tell her. She would smile at that. I supposed I should be thankful she never got totally into stage 7. She never lost her smile or her communication skills totally, but I am not, because she is gone. I feel her around me and sometimes I talk to her. I tell her I will be okay, even though the tears are right below the surface. I cry very easy today. I hope that eventually goes away because you can't go through life with tears all the time.
I am going to be working on my list of things to do. I have so much that has to be done. First thing tomorrow I have some errands to run. I have 4 lessons tomorrow that I am so grateful that I have. I love teaching, it gives me such joy. Mom enjoyed listening to the lessons too. I will miss that. There is so much that I will miss. Still, I have so many memories to think of that will eventually make me smile.
I hope you had a good weekend. It has been tough for me, but I did get through it, maybe not with flying colors, but I think Mom would have been happy with how well things went and how many people came to see her.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Viewing Day
Today is the viewing from 2 to 9. I am kind of nervous about it because we don't know how many people will be coming. I know some are, but I don't know how many or mostly who. I only know about a few of them. I hope Mom looks okay, I know they can't add extra pounds on her but I hope she looks okay.
I am picking up Richard in a few minutes. I am going to leave a bit early so I can get some food along the way and make sure I am not late. He arrives at 11:35. I am very excited to see him. I haven't physically seen him in 2 years. I am bringing a book with me to read so I won't be bored waiting for him. Well, I will be, but not as much with a book in hand. Then we will head straight home and then to the viewing. It will be a long day for me. I have a bit of a headache right now which is probably not the best way to start the day. It hurts more than the usual headache. I will be taking medicine for it right before I leave.
Mom will have an open casket. Yes, I know, some family members wanted it closed, but I want it open so it will be. Everything is mostly my choice for Mom. I picked out everything for her. I planned everything for her tomorrow too. It was a few of the last things I could do for her.
I am heading out now to go and pick up the big brother.
I am picking up Richard in a few minutes. I am going to leave a bit early so I can get some food along the way and make sure I am not late. He arrives at 11:35. I am very excited to see him. I haven't physically seen him in 2 years. I am bringing a book with me to read so I won't be bored waiting for him. Well, I will be, but not as much with a book in hand. Then we will head straight home and then to the viewing. It will be a long day for me. I have a bit of a headache right now which is probably not the best way to start the day. It hurts more than the usual headache. I will be taking medicine for it right before I leave.
Mom will have an open casket. Yes, I know, some family members wanted it closed, but I want it open so it will be. Everything is mostly my choice for Mom. I picked out everything for her. I planned everything for her tomorrow too. It was a few of the last things I could do for her.
I am heading out now to go and pick up the big brother.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
day before everything happens
Today will be another quiet day. I don't have much to do today because everything happens tomorrow. Tomorrow morning I go and pick up Richard then we race back to be back in time for the showing. Then, of course, Saturday is the funeral at church. They called today to ask if the menu was okay. I said yes, it was fine, because 1 - it was fine and 2 - I don't really care about food right now. Richard wants to talk to me on the way to the viewing. Works for me as I haven't really talked to much to him in the last few months. We have both been so busy, me with Mom and he with his family. We do need to talk about my future. It is looking a bit bleak after a few months, but I am not thinking about that right now. I will deal with all that next week. Maia is working on copying the slideshow she made of Mom onto DVDs right now. Tillie is in the shower. One of them is picking up Danielle tomorrow for the viewing and then Danielle will be going home with Tillie and coming back for the funeral on Saturday.
It is slowly sinking in that she is really gone. It seems so impossible to me that just a couple of weeks ago she was perfectly fine (well, as perfect as someone gets with Alzheimer's) and now she is gone. I had been expecting it, but still, when it happened it was a shock. I want my Mom back. I want her now. Right now. I know it isn't going to happen, but still I can wish even if the wish will not come true.
I think I will make cookies for dessert on Saturday. I am not sure, we will see. Maybe I will order a cake instead. I don't know. what is proper for these things? I have never been in charge of one before so I don't know.
I wish this weekend was over already. It is going to be really hard.
It is slowly sinking in that she is really gone. It seems so impossible to me that just a couple of weeks ago she was perfectly fine (well, as perfect as someone gets with Alzheimer's) and now she is gone. I had been expecting it, but still, when it happened it was a shock. I want my Mom back. I want her now. Right now. I know it isn't going to happen, but still I can wish even if the wish will not come true.
I think I will make cookies for dessert on Saturday. I am not sure, we will see. Maybe I will order a cake instead. I don't know. what is proper for these things? I have never been in charge of one before so I don't know.
I wish this weekend was over already. It is going to be really hard.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
wednesday
The man from the hospital bed company is here removing the special hospital bed Mom had. It was an air type bed to help heal her sores. They never got worse while she slept in the bed, but since she couldn't eat, they didn't heal either.
I am alone right now for the first time since she died. It seems so unreal at times to me because I have always lived with her. When I was healthier and younger all my friends were having issues with their roommates and roommates boyfriends, so I didn't want to get into that situation. I was able to just pay Mom rent and stay home. Then when I could afford my own apartment, Mom became ill so I was needed to stay home with her. I never minded, I mean, it isn't like she could tell me what to do or ground me or anything. We were just roommates. I liked living here. The choice of an apartment over a house was not even thought of. Our house had room to entertain if we wanted to, which we did when she was healthier a lot. My friends would come over and we would play board games. I love board games. They are so much fun. Mom and I were able to play board games up until about a year ago. She loved moving everyone around on the board. It was quite cute to see her do that.
The PowerPoint is finished. Maia did a nice job with it. The dress uniform is on mom's dressmaker form. We had to get a different blouse because it got donated with the rest of mom's stuff in March. If I had seen what they were doing I think a few more military stuff would not have been donated but they were and it is too late to get them back now. I did try but they either went to a different store or they were put out a long time after they were donated. I emailed the war museum in Ottawa, Ontario yesterday letting them know Mom has passed away so they can get her military record for them. I am donating all Mom's military stuff to them. They don't have a lot of post WWII on display so this will add to their displays plus Mom was one of the first women to become a major in all of Canada. She was the first in Ontario. I am so proud of what she accomplished while she was in the military there. Although I remember as a child being afraid that Canada and the USA would go to war at each other and then we would be sent to concentration camps. Amazing what children can fear isn't it?
It is a quiet day for me. I plan to read and get some papers together to send to the State of Michigan. I just don't plan to do much for the day right now. It is beautiful out so I do plan to take my scooter and go for a walk after I get it together. Mom loved going for walks so I am going to go for a scooter ride and remember all the good times we had going for walks.
I am alone right now for the first time since she died. It seems so unreal at times to me because I have always lived with her. When I was healthier and younger all my friends were having issues with their roommates and roommates boyfriends, so I didn't want to get into that situation. I was able to just pay Mom rent and stay home. Then when I could afford my own apartment, Mom became ill so I was needed to stay home with her. I never minded, I mean, it isn't like she could tell me what to do or ground me or anything. We were just roommates. I liked living here. The choice of an apartment over a house was not even thought of. Our house had room to entertain if we wanted to, which we did when she was healthier a lot. My friends would come over and we would play board games. I love board games. They are so much fun. Mom and I were able to play board games up until about a year ago. She loved moving everyone around on the board. It was quite cute to see her do that.
The PowerPoint is finished. Maia did a nice job with it. The dress uniform is on mom's dressmaker form. We had to get a different blouse because it got donated with the rest of mom's stuff in March. If I had seen what they were doing I think a few more military stuff would not have been donated but they were and it is too late to get them back now. I did try but they either went to a different store or they were put out a long time after they were donated. I emailed the war museum in Ottawa, Ontario yesterday letting them know Mom has passed away so they can get her military record for them. I am donating all Mom's military stuff to them. They don't have a lot of post WWII on display so this will add to their displays plus Mom was one of the first women to become a major in all of Canada. She was the first in Ontario. I am so proud of what she accomplished while she was in the military there. Although I remember as a child being afraid that Canada and the USA would go to war at each other and then we would be sent to concentration camps. Amazing what children can fear isn't it?
It is a quiet day for me. I plan to read and get some papers together to send to the State of Michigan. I just don't plan to do much for the day right now. It is beautiful out so I do plan to take my scooter and go for a walk after I get it together. Mom loved going for walks so I am going to go for a scooter ride and remember all the good times we had going for walks.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
plans
I have all the plans all ready. There will be a viewing on Friday from 2 to 9 at the Gramer Funeral Home with the funeral service on Saturday at 11 am with a luncheon right after. I think I am going to have Richard read the Eulogy. I wrote one, but he can write his own, whatever he wants. I am singing with Katie. We are singing "You Raise Me Up", the Celtic Woman version. It has a verse that we are both unfamiliar with, but it fits nicely with the song. I didn't think I could sing alone and well, I didn't want to mess up either so Katie is singing with me. I have called or face booked so many people that I lost count. I have had people already tell me that they are coming either Friday or Saturday. One of my cousins will be there Friday but not Saturday because she is planning to go to the burial which is close to her home. It will be a nice service, I think she would be happy with it. I hope so. We have one of her military uniforms ready to be on display next to her. We are working on getting a Canadian Flag to drape over her coffin like they do with American Flags. All of the military stuff, except the pictures that I want, will be going to a museum in Ottawa, Ontario. That is where the Military Museum is at. I couldn't send her stuff a few years ago because they couldn't get a copy of her Military Record. Now that she has passed they can. I have to email them today. I will do it in a few minutes.
I miss her a lot already although I am handling it okay. I have my bad moments, like when Margaret, the No One Dies Alone volunteer, called to tell me that Mom passed quietly and without any pain. She was with Mom at that time she died. I was glad I was not with her because I don't think I could have handled it very well. Mom wasn't alone and that is what matters. Mom waited for me to go home for the night. I was with her most of the day. She slipped away 15 minutes after I left.
I miss her a lot already although I am handling it okay. I have my bad moments, like when Margaret, the No One Dies Alone volunteer, called to tell me that Mom passed quietly and without any pain. She was with Mom at that time she died. I was glad I was not with her because I don't think I could have handled it very well. Mom wasn't alone and that is what matters. Mom waited for me to go home for the night. I was with her most of the day. She slipped away 15 minutes after I left.
Monday, October 18, 2010
my lovely Mom
Mom passed sometime between 5 and 5:15 this evening. I was at the hospital until about 10 to 5 and then went home. I received the call at 5:15. I have an appointment at 11 am for the funeral home. I am not sure the exact date of everything until tomorrow. It is hard to believe she is gone. She will never walk through our front door again. The good thing though, is that she doesn't have Alzheimer's anymore. That is HISTORY. She is healthy and happy and will be missed. I hope to show some pictures soon of her so you can see what she looked like. I miss her but I have been missing the woman she was for 2 years now. Now I will miss the woman she became. She isn't scared all the time anymore.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
sunday
I was at the Emertons today. We created 3 picture boards of her this afternoon. Looking at some of the pictures made Lily and Emily laugh. Especially when they saw some of the hair styles I had. Mom's were not too out of it, but mine were. There is one picture board left for her military stuff. Some of the certificates will be shrunk down so they will fit on the board. If we need more we can get it.
I am getting used to being in the house alone. I have been alone here since yesterday morning. Tillie and Maia will be here tomorrow, Maia in the morning and Tillie in the afternoon. There is some business for me and Mom that needs to be done in town that Tillie will take care of in the morning. We all know how I am just not awake that early. I will go see Mom in the afternoon for a while. She was awake when I got there. I talked to her and stroked her hair. You can't really move her anymore because she is so stiff and it causes pain for her. I don't know how much she understands, but I hope she understands me telling her I love her. That is all I can do right now. I am very thankful for the chance to say goodbye because I know some of my friends didn't get the chance that I have to say that. They didn't have the ability or opportunity to say how lucky they were to have a Mom like theirs, or in my case, mine. I am lucky. I am the luckiest girl in the world. I had a great Mom and I told her everyday for the last two years how much I loved her. I would say, "Did I tell you today how much I love you?" Sometimes she would say yes, I did tell her and others she would say no, I didn't. So I told her everyday. I have been reassuring her that the boys love her too. You never know how long you have on this earth, it is so important to say I love you. It is so important because someday it could be too late. My heart is still breaking but I know somehow, someday I will be okay and I will smile and laugh without the tears just under the surface.
I don't want anything done to the house right now. I want to be able to smell her pillow with her scent on it. Okay, I do need to wash the sheets and the blankets as they smell a bit, but not her pillow. I don't want anything done to her room. The only thing I want done is to have the hospital bed in the living room removed and they can do that in the next week or two. It isn't a big deal. Since she barely slept in it, a few weeks is all, I have no attachment to it. The living room will go back into it regular look and that will be good. I will be here in the house for a few months before I decide what to do.
I miss her already. I know she couldn't do much at the end, and this summer she really just sat and rested, but I miss her. I have been missing her for a long time and now she will be gone. I won't have her sitting next to me at the table where we watch TV anymore. I will be able to watch TV again, but it hasn't even really been on the last week. I just don't really care about TV, I haven't in a long time. It was used to pass the time and now the time is over.
I think I will head for bed shortly. I leave lights on because I can't sleep in the house by myself in the complete dark. Mom used to leave her light and the bathroom light on so she could see the last 6 months. Then it was just her room. I need a night light. It is easy getting ready for bed now that I only have me to get ready. I miss our routine. I would take her upstairs, we would head to the bathroom where I would change her (it was much easier there than the bedroom), and then I would help her to her room. We would sit on her bed and chat until she was ready to lay down and go to sleep. The I would move her legs and she would say, Oh, oh, oh, (because it frightened her, but I had no choice) and then I would move her in the middle of her bed so she would move her legs over the edge and cause a back ache. She would Oh, oh oh, then too. I was fast so she wouldn't be scared long. At the hospital they tell her when they are going to do anything so she knows what is going on. She doesn't seem to be scared like she was. She was frightened so much of the time because of the Alzheimer's. Mom doesn't have to be afraid anymore.
I am grateful for all the time I have with her. I have had a few days more than I thought I would but this week will be the end because it will be 10 to 14 days without food or drink. A person can't last any longer than that. I hope someday my heart becomes whole again. Right now it is broken into pieces and I can't seem to put them back together.
I am getting used to being in the house alone. I have been alone here since yesterday morning. Tillie and Maia will be here tomorrow, Maia in the morning and Tillie in the afternoon. There is some business for me and Mom that needs to be done in town that Tillie will take care of in the morning. We all know how I am just not awake that early. I will go see Mom in the afternoon for a while. She was awake when I got there. I talked to her and stroked her hair. You can't really move her anymore because she is so stiff and it causes pain for her. I don't know how much she understands, but I hope she understands me telling her I love her. That is all I can do right now. I am very thankful for the chance to say goodbye because I know some of my friends didn't get the chance that I have to say that. They didn't have the ability or opportunity to say how lucky they were to have a Mom like theirs, or in my case, mine. I am lucky. I am the luckiest girl in the world. I had a great Mom and I told her everyday for the last two years how much I loved her. I would say, "Did I tell you today how much I love you?" Sometimes she would say yes, I did tell her and others she would say no, I didn't. So I told her everyday. I have been reassuring her that the boys love her too. You never know how long you have on this earth, it is so important to say I love you. It is so important because someday it could be too late. My heart is still breaking but I know somehow, someday I will be okay and I will smile and laugh without the tears just under the surface.
I don't want anything done to the house right now. I want to be able to smell her pillow with her scent on it. Okay, I do need to wash the sheets and the blankets as they smell a bit, but not her pillow. I don't want anything done to her room. The only thing I want done is to have the hospital bed in the living room removed and they can do that in the next week or two. It isn't a big deal. Since she barely slept in it, a few weeks is all, I have no attachment to it. The living room will go back into it regular look and that will be good. I will be here in the house for a few months before I decide what to do.
I miss her already. I know she couldn't do much at the end, and this summer she really just sat and rested, but I miss her. I have been missing her for a long time and now she will be gone. I won't have her sitting next to me at the table where we watch TV anymore. I will be able to watch TV again, but it hasn't even really been on the last week. I just don't really care about TV, I haven't in a long time. It was used to pass the time and now the time is over.
I think I will head for bed shortly. I leave lights on because I can't sleep in the house by myself in the complete dark. Mom used to leave her light and the bathroom light on so she could see the last 6 months. Then it was just her room. I need a night light. It is easy getting ready for bed now that I only have me to get ready. I miss our routine. I would take her upstairs, we would head to the bathroom where I would change her (it was much easier there than the bedroom), and then I would help her to her room. We would sit on her bed and chat until she was ready to lay down and go to sleep. The I would move her legs and she would say, Oh, oh, oh, (because it frightened her, but I had no choice) and then I would move her in the middle of her bed so she would move her legs over the edge and cause a back ache. She would Oh, oh oh, then too. I was fast so she wouldn't be scared long. At the hospital they tell her when they are going to do anything so she knows what is going on. She doesn't seem to be scared like she was. She was frightened so much of the time because of the Alzheimer's. Mom doesn't have to be afraid anymore.
I am grateful for all the time I have with her. I have had a few days more than I thought I would but this week will be the end because it will be 10 to 14 days without food or drink. A person can't last any longer than that. I hope someday my heart becomes whole again. Right now it is broken into pieces and I can't seem to put them back together.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
It has been almost a week now since the beginning of this. Mom was coughing on her food last Saturday, but was here at home with me. I called hospice and they said to mix it with ice cream making it a frosty like substance. Seems like a life time ago. I have had 6 days to get used to this idea, and most of the time now, I am used to it. She will never come home here with me again. Her bed will never be slept in by her again, nor will her clothes be worn by her. She lies in the hospital very peacefully. She is sleeping most of the time. Mom doesn't open her eyes very often, but she can't focus on anything when she does. There are people there when I am not. It is a program the hospital has so Mom will have someone with her when I am not. I am so happy with that program despite the reason why they have that program. I spoke with Margaret who has sat with Mom several times now. She is hanging on, I don't know why. I told her it was okay with all of us to go. My aunt is waiting for her so is her grandmother. My heart is breaking but her long, terrible journey of Alzheimer's is gone. She will no longer be the fragile person she became and while I find comfort in that, my heart is breaking. It is difficult to sit there with her and watch her barely breathe knowing that she can hear me but can't answer me. She can't recognize me anymore and that is hard because most of the time she knew who I was so I didn't have to go through the agony of her not knowing me. I know she will be better off, but despite all these things, my heart is just breaking. I will be strong for her because she wants me to. She raised me to be strong, despite being ill. I will miss her and I miss her now even though I can still see her. I can still touch her but she can't hug me so I hug (as best as you can with someone who is lying down) hug her. I tell her how much I love her and how lucky I was that she is my mother. God knew what he was doing when he gave me to her. She was the best mother in the world. The complete best.
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