Sunday, October 24, 2010

It is finished

The funeral for Mom was yesterday.  The minister did a really nice job although she only just met Mom.  She would have liked Mom had she been able to get to know her.   The luncheon was really nice too.  There were a lot of people there.  I was thankful.  The opening music was the Canadian National Anthem and as they brought Mom's casket down, I lost it.  It was so moving to me.  I composed myself and did better after that.  I even managed to sing (with Katie) pretty well so I was pleased I got through that nicely. I think Mom would have liked it a lot.  She would have not been happy about being the center of attention, but she would have liked the song I sang.  I sang "You Raise Me Up", the Celtic Woman version.

I dropped Richard off today so he could go for another week of work.  I don't know how he is handling this because he keeps things to himself.  I was glad to finally see him after more than 2 years of not being able to see him.  He just called.  He arrived safely and is heading to the hotel to get ready for tomorrow's day of work.  I miss him already but not as much as mom.

It is very strange and quiet in the house.  Tillie is coming back over tonight to stay for a few days.  I am glad.  I don't want to be alone right now.  In a week or so it will be okay, but right now I cry at the drop of a hat it seems.  The quiet is so loud to me.  I look out the window and I hope that Mom is enjoying herself in Heaven.  I miss her so much.  I miss the woman she was and the woman she became with Alzheimer's.  It is very weird not having her to take care of.  I can go where I want, when I want.  Yet, I would give almost anything to have her back.  I know it is impossible, but I want her back right her where she belongs, with me.  We were a team, that's what I used to tell her.  She would smile at that.  I supposed I should be thankful she never got totally into stage 7.  She never lost her smile or her communication skills totally, but I am not, because she is gone.  I feel her around me and sometimes I talk to her.  I tell her I will be okay, even though the tears are right below the surface.  I cry very easy today.  I hope that eventually goes away because you can't go through life with tears all the time.

I am going to be working on my list of things to do.  I have so much that has to be done.  First thing tomorrow I have some errands to run.  I have 4 lessons tomorrow that I am so grateful that I have.  I love teaching, it gives me such joy.  Mom enjoyed listening to the lessons too.  I will miss that.  There is so much that I will miss.  Still, I have so many memories to think of that will eventually make me smile.

I hope you had a good weekend.  It has been tough for me, but I did get through it, maybe not with flying colors, but I think Mom would have been happy with how well things went and how many people came to see her.


  1. Heather, I feel your emotion through your words and it takes me back to when my Momma passed. Let the tears come. Even tho you will feel completely exhausted, it is good for you. Take a nap when you feel you need it. You have been strong for a long time and this is the time to start the many steps of grieving and to consider what you need to do for yourself. It will be a busy week. Making your list is a good idea. Prioritize and do what you can. Please don't try to complete a long list in one day. Much love to you and gentle hugs my friend.

  2. Try not to stay busy all the time just to keep yourself from thinking - I would say to go about your normal routine as much as possible, and put aside time for rest and a little self pampering. You may be exhausted physically and or emotionally. Tears will come; and certain memories will always bring tears. It is okay. Your mom has been the focus of much of your life - so your loss is great in many ways.
    She is grateful to you and she wants you to be happy now; she is.