Monday, October 25, 2010


I am doing okay today.  I did almost break down a couple of times, but one was when someone called and asked to talk to Mom and the other was buying the thank you notes for the visitation and the funeral.  It is very strange to do errands without the little Momma with me.  I mean, up until summer, I took her everywhere with me.  She was always with me and has been for about 5 years so you can see why it is so strange for me.  I took the Deed to the house to the Registry of Deeds to change over the house from Mom to her trust.  I paid for the funeral and the meat for the church luncheon.  One more activity for us and then Mom will be resting in peace.  I have to pick up her ashes tomorrow.  That will seem very weird too because she will be in a small box.  I am glad I have company because it is creepy to have someone's ashes in the house I think.  I will be taking them across the border on Friday when I head to Tillie's for the night.  I am spending the night because I don't know how early I have to get up to get there on Saturday.  You never know with the border.  It could be a breeze or it could be an hour.  One just never knows.

Pain wise, I am doing okay.  My hips don't hurt so much at night anymore since I am not pulling Mom across the dining room and kitchen to the back bathroom nor am I struggling to get her upstairs.  I sleep a bit better when someone is in the house with me than I do when I am alone.  I know I will get used to it, but right now I am not.  Rare has been the time I have been alone at night in the house.  When I am by myself I leave the kitchen light on because it comforts me.  I don't feel so alone with the light on.  I have a night light in the bathroom now, I will see if that will be enough light for me when I am alone.

I have 4 lessons today, 2 for Calli, then Acer and Bob.  I am glad.  It gives me something to look forward to and something to do with my time.  I contacted a friend of mine who's place of work has some openings.  I will find out about hopefully tonight or sometime this week.

My friend, Donna, has assured me that the pain of losing Mom will get easier.  I sure hope so because right now it hurts a lot, more than my fibro pain.  I feel tears all the time just below the surface.  I can't get a job and be a wreck so I am hoping by next week or so I am a little better.  I just can't believe this happened now.  Deep down I have known all summer she was dying, but still, I thought I could be better prepared for the actuality of it.  I now know, I can't, no one can.  Even when it is expected, it still hurts so much.  I am thankful for the time we had together, even with the Alzheimer's.  I got to take care of her and I didn't have to miss spending time with her like my brothers did.  They missed out on a lot of stuff.  I was with her all day, everyday.  Like I said, she came everywhere with me.  She liked going out with me.  She loved going to lessons with me.  She loved music and sewing.  Listening to the students, no matter the level, made her smile and gave her enjoyment.  She loved going to the movies with me.  I loved having her with me, all the time, most of the time.  She would help me at competitions and at recitals with holding stuff for me or getting something ready for me so I could focus on the kids.  That was just Mom.  She had come to competition with me for 20 years of my students competing.  She simply loved going and I loved having her because she was so helpful and my companion.

I hope you are having a good day.  It is beautiful out.  A nice, lovely October day.  We all know what I wish, but I am hoping Mom is smiling down from Heaven enjoying the weather with me.


  1. Heather, your sweet Mom IS smiling down on you from Heaven. You did a wonderful thing living with her and it takes a lot of patience to help our parents..mine don't live with us but live closeby..not real needy but I see that day coming..and I am not the mosst patient person..but they put up with me growing up so its the least we can do. Hang in there, it will get easier..its still so new to you..

  2. You will never really get over the pain of losing your mom, Heather. I remember that first year after I lost my mom, I cried at anything and everything we used to do together and couldn't no more. I'd see a burgandy van on the road and think of Mom, because she drove a burgandy van and she would take me to work. I miss our early morning routine of just her and I together, watching TV. I miss her sense of humor and how she could cheer me up when I was feeling down. None of that ever goes away, no matter the passage of time. What DOES leave eventually is this searing pain in your heart of a recent "injury" you just suffered, the loss of your mom. Just be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. No matter HOW long that takes, you must move at your own pace.

    It's been two years since I've seen my mom and I can still remember her face and hear her laughter in my heart. I can look at pictures of her now (although that took a good year in order to do so!) and not cry. So I'm coming a long. And you will, too.

    Take it easy, Heather, I'm rootin' for ya!! :0)