Monday

It has been a month since my life changed drastically all with one phone call.  The phone call I got at 9:15 am October 10, one month ago.  The speech pathologist told me mom failed the swallowing test and they couldn't do anything about that.  She said there were more tests they could do but it would only confirm what they already knew, that she was aspirating on food and drink.  I said no more tests.  A couple of hours later the doctor called and wanted to know what I wanted to do for mom.  Did I want to take her home or place in the hospital hospice unit.  What did i want?  I want them to fix my mom.  Of course I wanted her home, but not to die, to live.  I chose her to be placed in the hospice unit.  I wasn't sure I was capable of giving her the care she would need in her final days.  It seems impossible to me that one month ago I could speak to my mom and she could speak to me.  Now there is only silence.  That week was the worse of my life.  I have never had anything worse.  How do you watch someone you love die?  Someone you need?  It is hard, yet, I was lucky because I did get to say goodbye and I love you.  Others aren't so lucky.  My heart broke that day and it hasn't healed yet.  I don't know if it ever will, but this hole is so empty at times without her.  I wish I had other things to keep me busy, but I don't and I think that is part of the problem.  I have way too much time on my hands.  I think of her a lot, I know she isn't suffering, but I am.  I don't want her to suffer, but I don't want to suffer either.  I want us to be together, like we were.  Happy.  I know the last year was so hard for her at times, but she was still here.  I did everything I could to take care of her.  I have no reason to get up except on the teaching days or if I have company.  I can sleep all I want and no one would notice least of all me.  When does the heart stop hurting so much?  It is overwhelming me at times, not all the time, but some of the time.  I don't cry all the time like I did when she first died.  I do feel lonely which is something that is new for me.  I have had horrible things happen to me before like so many others, but Mom was always there to help me through.  Now she is gone, who is going to help me through it because I don't think I can make it on my own.  I am scared a lot now which is also new.  How will I support myself?  Can I go back to work?  Will I be able to get enough students so that I can live?  These are the things that go through my mind today.  Not always, but some of the time.  They don't flip me out as easily as they did a couple of weeks ago.  I have done somethings to begin looking for a job.  I may have one new student which is possible to gain more.  If I have 11 students regularly each week, I will be okay and I will have enough money to live and pay my bills.  Right now I have 2 regularly each week with several who are once a month, every other week, but 11 regular would work good for me.  I have some time to figure it out.

I have printed my resume and am in the process of updating it.  It sounds like a lot of mumbo jumbo to me.  I have seen a position that would be good for me.  I just have to finish up my resume and then send it in.  It is a start anyway.  That is all I can ask for, is just a start.

I do hope you are having a good day.  My day did improve when Calli and Acer arrived.  They brightened up my day.  Bob also helped with that.  It got my mind on other things besides missing mom so much.  It just seems impossible that this has happened.

turning the corner on the cold

I think I have turned the corner and finally am getting better.  I am still simply exhausted, but I do feel a bit better today.  I have so much to do this week that I just don't have time to be ill.  I really don't.  Not that I think anyone has time to be ill, you know.  I have so much paperwork I need to fill out and copy to send in to places.  Tillie is planning to come tomorrow and I think so is Maia.  I need their help with this so that i get it done and done right.  It is too important to miss any papers.

I was supposed to go to my uncle's today but Michelle is ill too so it is a good thing she cancelled.  I wouldn't have been able to go either so I would have cancelled too.  She has a small son so I hope he didn't get it.  Colds are hard enough on adults let alone little boys.  I am, however, extremely glad I can't give this one to Mom.  That is about the only good thing I can say about her being gone.  Other than that, it really sucks to have your Mom gone.  I miss all the stuff we did together, even in this last year which wasn't her best.  We used to have such fun all the time together but now it is up to me.  I will be strong, she would want me to be.

I have to meet with the lawyer again this week for some paperwork.  I need to let him know he has to take care of the bank account too.  Silly bank, if they would have only let me make a deposit then Mom's account wouldn't be in the hole!  But they wouldn't!  Their problem for now.  Yup, because they wouldn't let me make a deposit that would have covered the check that I had written, they paid it and now the account is overdrawn.  Oh well, I won't worry about that one.

I am still resting for the most part today.  It looks pretty out but I don't know what the weather is like since I haven't been outside yet and am not planning to go outside at all.  I will pick up my medicine tomorrow.  I have 4 students tomorrow.  I will be well enough to teach since the cold is on the downside now.

I hope to have more interesting stuff to post in the next few days besides this miserable cold.  I hope you are healthy and doing well too!

saturday, and the cold is still here

I haven't been down by a cold in so long I forgot how miserable they can be.  i think I slept most of yesterday away, and it is looking like that will be the case again today.  However, if it makes me feel better, I am all for it.  It seems my uncle's girlfriend, Michelle, now has it too.  So that makes about 4 of us in the family who are sick.  She has the runny eyes too, which I have never had before, but boy do I look awful with runny eyes.  Not that I am sure anyone would look great with them, but I look awful.  I was told this morning I look like I am hungover.  Now, I have only had 1 drink in my entire life and it tasted awful so I don't think I am hungover.  I know that it is hard to believe, but I get sick at the smell of alcohol, simply sick to my tummy.  When I was younger and Mom would have wine, I got sick before I even took a drink of it, so no more tasting for me.  When I turned 21 I had the 1 drink and really, I only drank about 1/5 of it and then was ill, so you can see why I wouldn't be hungover.  Either way, i look absolutely horrifying.  I do hope this thing disappears rather quickly like it arrived.

I finally got my antibiotic.  I drank the entire dose like it said, so let's hope it is working!  It is a one dose medicine that stays in your system for about a week so hey, no drinking more medicine, although it didn't taste that bad.  I was happy about that.

Since I have been doing a lot of sleeping, not much has been done.  Tillie and Maia will be here Monday so then we will get the paperwork I need done here and ready to go.  I have been alone for most of the week and it hasn't been too bad.  I have my bad moments where I really want my mom, but others I am okay with her in Heaven.  I don't think I will ever get over her, I mean, she was my Mom and my best friend, but I am feeling more confident that I can do things on my own.  I am still nervous of what is going to happen, but I am working on trusting God more and more.  When you have no idea where you are going to be living in 6 months, it is hard work trusting God to provide and show the way.  He took care of Mom and showed me how to do that when I wasn't sure I could do it, so I know he will do the same for me.  This cold just has back tracked a few things that I will work on next week when I am as healthy as I can be.

Mom's friend, Jose, was here this morning with workout DVDs for us to do.  Yeah, I can't do any of them, not to mention I am sick with a cold right now.  I watched them with him, and let me tell you, I can't do anything they were doing.  Not one bit.  I mean, I can't walk very far, stand very long, or move my arms over my head very much either but he has me being able to do these exercises soon.  I wanted to cry.  He doesn't get it.  I have arthritis and Fibromyalgia.  How on earth does he expect me to do these?  I have no idea.  The next time he wants to come over for exercise I will be busy, I just will find something else to do.  this is crazy, I can't do it and I won't hurt myself trying to either.  He is so clueless on these illnesses.

Anyways, I am getting tired again.  Time to go and lay down some more.  I hope you are having a great day and enjoying good weather!

Still sick

I am still rather sick.  My throat still hurts although it isn't extreme, so that is good.  I am able to swallow without too much pain.  The over the counter medicines do help with that.  In about 10 minutes I can take some pain medicine.  I pick up my antibiotic after 5, which I am looking forward to because it should help a lot with the throat and the nose and eyes.  My eyes aren't watering like they were yesterday, although they are as red as yesterday and it looks quite funny.  I am glad about the fact they aren't watering so much today.

I have a lot to work on next week and I think with Maia and Tillie's help I will accomplish a lot.  I just need some help, that's all.  I don't see the point of not admitting when I need it and right now I do.  So they are coming on Monday to help with the State of Michigan stuff and the bankruptcy stuff.  I can't wait until this is all finished and taken care of and I don't have to think about it anymore!  Yeah!  Won't that be nice?  I think so.

I hope to talk to Richard today to see how he is doing.  I know he is working super hard right now for his family.  The kids, I think, are doing well.  I haven't seen them in 2 years though.  It seems like forever since I have last seen them.  I hope to see them at Christmas at least.  It feels like so far away from now to me though, even though it is only less than 2 months.  What can I say?  I have no concept of time right now because of this cold and everything that has been happening.

I think I am going to go and lay back down.  I am simply exhausted and can't seem to stay awake much longer.  I don't care if I sleep the day away as long as I get my medicine after 5, that is all that is important.  I am sure tomorrow will be a better day for this!

I am missing mom.  I can't say if it is more than usual or not, but I am missing her.  I am, however, glad I can't pass this cold to her as she was a horrible patient when she had a cold the last few years.  The tough little lady would turn into someone I never recognized.  She is where there is no sickness or anything like that.  I just wish she were here with me.

I do hope this finds you doing well and healthy, unlike me.  I hope you do not have a fall cold and that you are enjoying the weather whatever it is at your place!

Thursday

I went to the doctor this morning about the sore throat.  I got an antibiotic, that will be here tomorrow after 5 at the store.  Yeah, not really happy about when it comes in but what can I do about that?  Nothing.  I am grateful I have it at all.  My throat isn't as sore as it was earlier.  This cold has me knocked out today.  I am taking today and tomorrow to take care of the cold.  It had better be history by the weekend because I am not up for having this thing any longer.  I need to clean my contacts.  This cold has made them blurry because my eyes are running so much too.  Ugh, just not feeling great today.  I rescheduled the tummy doctor appointment for 2 weeks because of the cold.  I knew I had to see my doctor today so I rescheduled the other doctor appointment.  I have an eye doctor appointment next Thursday with the tummy doctor the following Thursday.  I am so glad I only have to see the tummy doctor every 3 months.  At one time, they wanted me to come monthly but I just can't afford that.  That is just too much money since on my current insurance I have to pay for doctor visits.  What was I thinking when set that plan up?  Oh yeah, I was healthier than and to add doctor appointments made it very expensive and I wouldn't be able to afford it now.

I am just resting today so no hard decisions to be making.  I am just too tired today.  Monday Tillie and Maia are going to help me with the bankruptcy papers and get them organized and copied.  I need the help.  We are also going to do the State of Michigan papers and I will fill out the new application I have to fill out for food stamps and medicaid.

I called my social worker yesterday and she called me back.  She was very surprised that Mom had passed away.  So were the people at CVS this morning.  Mrs. Biles said to send in the application and she would see what she can do on her end.  She is very helpful for this awful time for me.  The next thing I need to look into is low income housing.  I am planning to stay in the house for a few months to get it ready to sell.  I don't know what Richard is planning to do, he hasn't really told me.  I didn't expect he would.  He will eventually tell me what he is thinking.

Sparky Anderson just died today.  He was the same age as Mom and he died of the same thing.  His poor family.  I know how bad they feel.  It is awful, simply awful, no way around it.  I don't wish this thing to happen to anyone.  It is hard to have someone you love here one moment and the next they are gone.  I am doing better today.  Yesterday, I cried a lot, today not so much.  Today, I am feeling stronger.  With God's help, I will be strong again.  I will.

I have to go and figure out something for dinner now, although I am not very hungry.  I think I will just have some soup even that doesn't sound to fun.  I am just not that hungry today.  I know it is the cold.  I get this way when I get a cold.  I hope tomorrow is a better day and the cold is better too.

Wednesday

I went to make a deposit to the bank today and couldn't.  They have froze my mom's bank account right now until it goes through the courts.  I have been waiting for them to do this, but since they weren't I did use the account.  Now I can't.  Even expecting things like this are hard for me.  Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and hide from the world.  I am not feeling very well today, I am have a cold for the first time in years.  Not really happy about this.  The only good thing is I can't pass it on to Mom and have her get sick too.  I am trying really hard to stay positive about everything.  I am usually an optimist person so I am sure I will be that way again, just right now I am so sad.  I have discovered you can me smile and mean it and be sad at the same time.  I was upset at the bank but that was over the whole situation, not because they can't let me use Mom's account.  I do totally understand and will get that taken care of within the next little bit.  My upset was because Mom is no longer here and that makes me really sad at times although, I don't feel I cry as much as I did last week.  I still want to be with Richard.  I don't think he realizes how alone I really am here at times.

Tillie is getting sick too and so is Maia.  I think they both got what Andrew passed me.  So nice of him to share.  In his defense, what else could he do, he didn't know we would get it and it was my mother's burial so he had to be there.

I am glad all that is behind me now.  I still miss her like crazy and like Missy says, the smallest things either make my cry or smile.  I was looking at some pictures of her and I was smiling last night.  I can't believe I will only see her in pictures now.  She was so full of life.  I wish everyone could have known her.

I have to take care of the state of Michigan stuff this week.  I need to fax over the stuff they want and then that will be taken care of.  I also am going to make an appointment with the bankruptcy attorney.  I have to find out what to do about Mom's too.  Does Mom still file?  I mean, how does that all work?  I don't know.  The lawyer yesterday was pretty confusing about some stuff too.  I am not sure about anything right now.  I do know that he is doing some stuff for us and it is expensive but that is the best way to do it.  It is a lot of work closing out a persons life.  You wouldn't think so, but it is.  I miss her so much today.  I have one lesson later.  I think I am going to take a brief nap shortly.  I am very tired.

I do hope this finds you doing well and enjoying your day.

tuesday

I met with the trust lawyer this morning.  Lots of money later, I have things started to close out the rest of mom's trust and estate.  Yeah, they don't mention how much money it costs now do they?  Of course not.  Whatever.  Anyways, it is started and will be finished soon.  Mom doesn't have enough assets to probate so we get to pass over that hassle.  Thank goodness for something good.

I have to reorganize the kitchen tomorrow because Richard doesn't like where some of the electrical cords are, they are a safety hazard.  I agree so I am going to fix it.  I don't need to accidentally burn our house down, that would be a worse nightmare.

I can stay in the house for three years as long as I can keep up with the bills.  A roommate will not be an option as Mom states in the trust no renting or sub renting, so I either have to handle it myself or we sell.  This all depends on me getting a job because I would like to stay here.  I like our house also, I don't really want to move right now.  Maybe later, but not right now.

I am alone tonight which is fine by me because I am getting a cold.  I am so not happy about this as Andrew had one on Saturday and it was pretty nasty so I hope that I get rid of this fast.  I haven't had a cold in years, and usually they turn into lung infections which are pretty bad.  Thank goodness I didn't get it when Mom was here.  Poor little thing, she didn't do very well when she was sick with a cold.  I took care of her when she got them though.  It made it so hard for her to breathe when she had a cold.  I am glad the last two years she really didn't get that many and she didn't have the flu because we got the flu shot every year.  I miss taking care of her.  It gave me a purpose and right now I don't have many purposes in my life.  I do have another lesson tomorrow providing I am not sick with a bad cold.  I haven't seen this particular student since Labor Day weekend.  She is supposed to have lessons every other week.  That hasn't seemed to pan out this year, so I don't count her when I figure out how many students I have on a regular basis.  It works better that she be a bonus student.  Plus her younger sister is supposed to have lessons every other week too and I haven't seen her since last February.

The canker sore in my mouth is rather painful tonight too as well as my throat.  I knew I had some cold medicine but I didn't know where it went.  I am still trying to figure out where stuff went to in the kitchen since it was redone.  Well, after I bought new stuff, I found the old stuff that works really good so that is what I will take tonight.  I have AM and PM stuff that works pretty well.  Mom didn't like it because it was a liquid, but I don't mind the taste and it has a cooling effect to.  She did better with pills.

Thinking about Mom tonight doesn't seem to hurt as much as it did yesterday.  I have cried very little today, so it is a better day than yesterday.  It still is weird and strange not to have her listening to lessons and reminding the students to practice.  She did that up to the very end.  As a matter of fact, until they disconnected her IV, she could still talk and hold short conversations as well as walk.  With the dehydration she got weaker and was unable to talk but before that she was fine.  I do hope someday they fix this disease and then no one will have to have it.  It is simply awful, like so many diseases.  I think this is one of the worse though because it robs you of yourself and your control over yourself.

It has been an alright day, I can't say good, because I am still so sad but alright is a good word for it.  I hope your day was good and enjoyable.  Don't forget to tell your loved ones how much you love them, you never know when they won't be there and you won't be able to tell them that again.

7 lesson day

I have 7 lessons today!  yeah!  I am happy about that.  I survived last night, my first holiday without the little Mom.  I only cried a bit.  Maia is here sorting through pictures for my uncles.  I know Andrew wants some too and Richard.  I will deal with their pictures later.

Not much going on other than lessons today.  Everyone is working on Christmas music right now.  Rachel will actually have a lesson on Wednesday.  She hasn't had one since Labor Day weekend.  I am glad she is having one Wednesday and not Sunday as I am planning to be at my uncle's on Sunday for dinner.  Andrew is supposed to be there too, at least I am hopeful that his car will be okay enough to be there.

Tomorrow I am calling my social worker after I go to the lawyers.  I have to meet with him to find out all I have to do for Mom's trust.  I am going to have to start going through her stuff but I am not doing it for a few more weeks.  I just don't feel like it.  I go into her room and I can still smell her soap.  I like being able to do that right now.  Makes me feel better as it has only been 2 weeks since she died.  Part of me can't believe this horrible stuff started 3 weeks ago and part of me feels like it has been forever since she died.

We are going to be doing secret Santa's for the Christmas Concert among the students this year.  I think that would be fun.  I don't know what I am going to make for the students this year.  Every year (mostly) I usually make an ornament for them.  I have been doing this for almost 20 years now.  I just don't know what to make and I am not ready to start making them yet.  I have until December 12 to finish them, so I will start after Thanksgiving.

I looked on some job sites last night.  I may have found some that are interesting to me.  I have to revamp my resume because it has been 10 years since I have last used it.  Time to dust it off and update it.  I hope I find something or at least find a decent place to live that I can afford.  The best thing would be to find a job that allows me to stay in the house for a while.  That would be the best because then I wouldn't have to rush looking through stuff.  I hope I am healthy enough for work.  I know I am for more students because I already do some teaching.  We shall see for something else.  I am hopeful for that.

It is nice out today with the type of puffy clouds Mom loved.  It made me think of her and smile which I think is the first time I have been able to do that.  Mom loved making shapes out of the clouds.  I still miss her a lot, but the pain isn't there pounding on me all the time right now so that is good.

I hope this finds you doing well and having a good day.

meeting for tea

I met Donna this afternoon for tea at the local borders music and book store.  It was fun.  We were there for about 2 hours before we both started getting a bit tired and had to leave.  It is nice to see her out of the house and out and about.  She had spine surgery last spring and has been recovering ever since.  She is doing pretty amazingly well.  I hope it continues for her.

Today is Halloween.  I am just not into Halloween.  I don't particularly like this holiday.  It isn't like it was when we were small.  I don't do scary very well.  I get nightmares pretty easy and so I tend to shy away from scary stuff.  Normally I would have bought candy this week and Mom would pass it out but this year I am hiding in the house, maybe taking a nap as I am so tired today.  I slept in too but I feel like I could go to sleep some more right now.  Maybe I will go and take a nap.  Hm, I think I will.  More later.

I am back.  I went and took a nap, I just couldn't stay awake anymore.  It is now trick or treating time and I am in the dining room with only the kitchen light on.  Kind of weird being in the dark, but I don't want to turn lights on and have people think I am home or passing out candy.  Kids are definitely out.  I hope no one comes to my door because I won't answer it.  Maybe I should have bought some candy, but I really don't like Halloween, that was Mom's holiday.

Thanksgiving will be next.  I am unsure on whether or not I will cook a dinner or go to someone's house for it.  I will wait and see how it goes.  Kathy thinks I can go to her parents, she is checking for me.  With Richard and I being the only family in USA, all our relatives already had their Thanksgiving earlier this month.

I have been on my own now for 2 days without someone staying the night.  Make that 3 days because Friday night I was alone too.  I think I am doing alright, not great, but okay.  Maia will be here briefly tomorrow and Tillie will be here on Tuesday.  The garage looks good and mostly empty.  My room is partly organized, not completely yet.  I have to find a box for some of the original teaching CDs.  I have a big container for most of them, but not all the new ones fit in it so I need another.  Maybe Tuesday I will go and get one.

I have to work on Calli's Christmas music.  I almost forgot all about that.  Her lesson is tomorrow and I need to arrange her Christmas piano piece because it is too hard, and make an accompaniment to her vocal piece.  Glad I thought of that now and not tomorrow.  I should have been doing this on Tuesday last week when I was home.

I am going to hang a blanket at the downstairs hallway.  I have to get some tacks so that I can hang it.  I am going to block off the downstairs so the heat stays more upstairs than downstairs.  Also, I don't use the family room right now, so I am not going to heat it.  It will help on the heating bill this winter.  Next week I am going to look at the state of my finances so I will know how long I can stay in the house without a job.  I am hoping to have a job by Christmas so that I won't have to worry about finances.  I will be calling my social worker tomorrow and I have to find my ticket to work info from disability.  Each may have a program that will help me.  It is very scary not knowing what is going to happen and I have never been in this position before, so I am a bit scared of it.  I do know that something will work out and I won't be homeless or starving.  I don't know what there is out there for disabled people as far as housing issues are and stuff like that but that is my job this week is to figure it out.  I will, I have people who will be helping me.  I need to also call Richard's friend, Dave, because he may be able to help me out to.  I will take what help I can get at this point because I am in uncharted waters so to speak.



Well, try to have a good Halloween.  I am having a better day.  I hope the weather man is wrong and the white stuff stays away for a bit longer.  I think it is time to pull out the old winter jacket.  Ugh, that time of year again!  So, stay warm and Happy Halloween!

last goodbye

Today was the day we buried Mom's ashes in the cemetery in Chatham, Ontario, Canada.  Most of my cousins and my 2 uncles were there.  Andrew was there too.  Tillie had brought the ashes over Thursday thinking I would spend the night last night and then leave from there.  Well, I ended up staying home and leaving from here.  I am very tired today as I got up at 7 am and we all know how that is just the middle of the night to me.  I am a 10 to 12 get up girl.  It was a quick service.  Andrew and Tillie spoke, I couldn't.  I was just too upset.  It seems like I have said goodbye to Mom for so long now.  I can't believe it is over.  Our house is so quiet.  She wasn't very noisy but she was here.  I could feel her in the house.  Now I don't feel her in our house anymore.  I did the week she was in the hospital, but I don't know.  Sometimes I am lonely, sometimes I am not.  I have never really felt lonely before except for the few times as a teenager as many teenagers do.  It is weird to me to think I can go to sleep anytime I want and that I can get up at anytime that I want.  I have much work planned for the week.  Monday, I have either 7 or 4 lessons depending on the Muglia schedule.  Because it is the 1st, sometimes we wait until the 8th.  Whatever works for them, works for me.  Tuesday, I am meeting with Mom's lawyer to go over the trust.  Wednesday, I am going to Job Works and see what is available for me as far as programs go, being disabled, there might be something for me.  I also have a lesson on Tuesday.  Thursday is my tummy doctor's appointment check up.  I go every 3 months to make sure the medicine is working well.  Friday, I have nothing concrete planned.  Saturday, I hope to have a lesson and perhaps Sunday too.  I don't have any concrete plans for tomorrow except for hiding during trick or treat time.  Mom was big on passing out candy and I am just not up for it this year.  If Mom were here, then we would, but since she is gone, I am going to hide.

I am going to dinner with the Emertons.  I have to remember to bring the pictures.  Lily and Emily will giggle a lot at them.  I did.  I can't believe how big my hair got.  Oh well, it was the style.

I hope this finds you doing well.  Overall, I would say I am doing better than last week and definitely better than yesterday.  I still miss Mom a lot, and I expect I will for a while.  She was such a big part of my life.  I know that she would be so disappointed in me if I just shrivel up and hide from the world.  She wanted me to have a good life and I will, just will take some time to get that way.  I want to thank all my bloggy friends for the support you have given me the last few difficult weeks.  I have never lost anyone so close to me before and I am glad I have friends who support and care about me.  It makes everything so much easier.  I really appreciate all the comments I have gotten.  Thank you!

missing

I am missing Mom a lot right now.  Tomorrow we have to go and bury her ashes in Canada.  I want my mom back right now.  I don't want to bury her, I want her with me.  I am not feeling very strong right now.