Monday, November 8, 2010


It has been a month since my life changed drastically all with one phone call.  The phone call I got at 9:15 am October 10, one month ago.  The speech pathologist told me mom failed the swallowing test and they couldn't do anything about that.  She said there were more tests they could do but it would only confirm what they already knew, that she was aspirating on food and drink.  I said no more tests.  A couple of hours later the doctor called and wanted to know what I wanted to do for mom.  Did I want to take her home or place in the hospital hospice unit.  What did i want?  I want them to fix my mom.  Of course I wanted her home, but not to die, to live.  I chose her to be placed in the hospice unit.  I wasn't sure I was capable of giving her the care she would need in her final days.  It seems impossible to me that one month ago I could speak to my mom and she could speak to me.  Now there is only silence.  That week was the worse of my life.  I have never had anything worse.  How do you watch someone you love die?  Someone you need?  It is hard, yet, I was lucky because I did get to say goodbye and I love you.  Others aren't so lucky.  My heart broke that day and it hasn't healed yet.  I don't know if it ever will, but this hole is so empty at times without her.  I wish I had other things to keep me busy, but I don't and I think that is part of the problem.  I have way too much time on my hands.  I think of her a lot, I know she isn't suffering, but I am.  I don't want her to suffer, but I don't want to suffer either.  I want us to be together, like we were.  Happy.  I know the last year was so hard for her at times, but she was still here.  I did everything I could to take care of her.  I have no reason to get up except on the teaching days or if I have company.  I can sleep all I want and no one would notice least of all me.  When does the heart stop hurting so much?  It is overwhelming me at times, not all the time, but some of the time.  I don't cry all the time like I did when she first died.  I do feel lonely which is something that is new for me.  I have had horrible things happen to me before like so many others, but Mom was always there to help me through.  Now she is gone, who is going to help me through it because I don't think I can make it on my own.  I am scared a lot now which is also new.  How will I support myself?  Can I go back to work?  Will I be able to get enough students so that I can live?  These are the things that go through my mind today.  Not always, but some of the time.  They don't flip me out as easily as they did a couple of weeks ago.  I have done somethings to begin looking for a job.  I may have one new student which is possible to gain more.  If I have 11 students regularly each week, I will be okay and I will have enough money to live and pay my bills.  Right now I have 2 regularly each week with several who are once a month, every other week, but 11 regular would work good for me.  I have some time to figure it out.

I have printed my resume and am in the process of updating it.  It sounds like a lot of mumbo jumbo to me.  I have seen a position that would be good for me.  I just have to finish up my resume and then send it in.  It is a start anyway.  That is all I can ask for, is just a start.

I do hope you are having a good day.  My day did improve when Calli and Acer arrived.  They brightened up my day.  Bob also helped with that.  It got my mind on other things besides missing mom so much.  It just seems impossible that this has happened.


  1. I haven't been around much lately but I wanted to stop in and check on you. I'm glad you are getting over that nasty flu/cold, sometimes they just hang on too long.
    I think it is different for everyone but I know for me that the pain and emptiness have never gone away. The intensity has changed though and it is much more bearable. Still there is not a day that I don't think of her and the way she left this earth. There are so many things that I will never forgive myself for and I can only pray that she forgives me.
    You don't realize it now, but you are so very strong. Just look at you, you've made all kinds of decisions about your future and you are taking steps to make things better for yourself. That takes courage and strength!

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

  2. Praying for you to be comforted and for God to provide ALL that you need financially but also emotionally and physically. (((hugs)))

  3. I agree with Kimberly. We need to to pray for you. You need financial, emotional and physical stability. Please be patient. All things happen for a specific reason. God is good. I am praying. Anne