nighttime

It seems to be bad in the nighttime before I go to bed.  I tried reading before I went to bed tonight and I started crying again.  I miss her most I think at night.  I have rarely, before she died, slept in the house on my own so I think that might be part of it.  One month ago she was alive, dying, but alive.  I don't understand why they couldn't fix this.  Wouldn't a feeding tube have worked?  The doctor said no, but still, shouldn't we have tried?  I don't know.  I just miss her most in the morning and the evening.  I have way too much time on my hands.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

friday - a bit better of a day

I am feeling a bit better today after crying pretty much all last evening and some this morning.  I talked to Richard, my older brother, at 11pm last night.  hey, I was desperate to talk to someone and he called me back!  I had left a message that I wasn't doing too well and needed to talk to him.  He reassured me I was doing just fine and it was normal to feel what I was feeling, just like everyone else said.  It calmed me down enough to have a decent night sleep for a chance.  I was a bit teary eyed this morning but I called Kathy and we talked and now I feel much better.  I think it was because we started going through mom's things in the dining room cabinet.  We aren't going to go through anymore of mom's things until I am ready which is not right now.  I need help with the paperwork and that is all right now.  I can't handle cleaning out mom's stuff, that is the bottom line, nor do I want anyone else to take care of it.  I will do it later, not right now.  It feels like I am invading her privacy going through her stuff.  I know it needs to be done, but not yet.  I need more time to get used to this being alone business.

Julie just called.  Lily will be coming over here after she gets her teeth extracted so that Julie can take her husband, Ross, to the emergency room.  He fell and hurt his wrist.  Hey, I get Lily!  So I am happy on that.  I know she won't be feeling too great after getting teeth extracted, I don't care if she sleeps or whatever, I will get to feast my eyes on her and that is good.  Lily is one of the adopted grandchildren of Mom.  She and her sisters adopted Mom many years ago since they don't have their own grandparents in their life.  Lily is very upset over mom dying too.  It is very hard for her and her sister, just like it is me.

I hope by the weekend to have some pictures ready to post of mom.  There are a couple of when she was young that I simply love and then of course, the professional pictures I got taken this past march near her birthday.  I also plan to work on the thank you notes.  I haven't even started them yet.  I would have yesterday, but we all know how that day went.  I have to be clear headed to do the notes.  There are so many people to thank.  So many of my friends came to support me which I completely appreciate.  I know I am a very lucky girl, I have family and friends who love me and that is so important.  I love them right back.  It helped a lot to talk to Kathy and Richard today and yesterday.  Sometimes just hearing a voice on the other end is very helpful to me.  I am glad that I am doing what is considered normal at this stage of the game.  I was so afraid that I wasn't adjusting well and that I was not normal with this grieving that I am doing.  I can think of mom today and smile.  I am not going to go through pictures today though, I am still feeling a bit fragile, but I want to post some this weekend so everyone can see how awesome my mom was, not just hear me say it.  Like Kathy said today, it sucks, no way around it, it just sucks.  I dread the day she has to go through this, however, she will have me, because I will have gone through it, maybe I can make her pain a bit less.  Fortunately, her parents are both very healthy.  They came to the funeral to see mom, they didn't come to the funeral because they were watching Kathy's little girls.  I was so glad we had the funeral on a day Kathy could be there, because it helped tremendously to have my best friend there with me holding my hand.

I hope you are having a good day.  Mine is better, not great, but better.  Lily will be here soon, so that should be awesome to chat with the young lady.

thursday - part 2

I am having a hard time adjusting today.  I came home from the eye doctor and was fine for a bit and then the tears started rolling.  Took a nap, was better, then a creditor for mom called and the tears started rolling again.  I can't seem to stop them so they just keep rolling on down my face.  I thought I was adjusting well, even have a possible lead for a job, but the tears are just rolling.  I even emailed my younger brother, Andrew, to see what he does when he is overwhelmed.  Is it because we started going through Mom's stuff?  Or because I am alone.  I was alone last weekend and was fine, sick with a cold, but fine.  What is up?  This grieving process has me thrown for a loop.  How on earth can people manage?  I don't seem to be doing it very well.  My head says one thing but my heart says something different.  I know Mom is not in pain anymore and she is healthy and well.  I know part of her will always be with me.  I know that, but it isn't helping me right now.  Is it because I am scared of what is going to happen?  I don't know, I have never been through anything like this before.  When my dad left, I had mom, when I got sick, I had mom, I mean, I always had Mom and now I don't.  Is this normal or I am just not handling this well?  I knew it would be hard as she was always with me, especially in the last five years, but I didn't know it would be this hard.  I had no idea.  Maybe I could have prepared for this.  I don't know.  Maybe.  Is there a good book I should read to help me, besides the bible, which sometimes helps, sometimes doesn't.  I know she is with family and friends in Heaven, but I want her here.  Am I just super selfish or what?  I don't understand  why my heart is hurting so bad.  I wish I was with her.  I just want to be with my mom, that is all, just with her because even in her bad days, it was better with her than without.  How long does this take before i don't cry a lot?  How on earth am I supposed to go on with living with this much pain?  It hurts more than fibro and arthritis and everything else I have.  Crying also makes my head hurt worse, so that makes even more pain.  I just don't get this.  I want her back now, right now so I won't hurt so bad.  I know people have gone through this before me, lots of people, how did they survive?

I am going to try to go to bed now.  I hope I sleep, this pain isn't so bad when I am sleeping.  Maybe I will be better tomorrow.  I hope so.  I need to get past this pain somehow.  It is overwhelming me so much that I feel like I am walking through mud and not going anywhere.  I think I need help for this.  Maybe counseling will help or is this normal 1 month after a parent or someone you love dies and leaves you all alone?  Am I losing my mind too?

thursday

I am getting discouraged.  I looked at the low income apartments that we have in the area and almost all them have massively long waiting lists.  yeah, that is so encouraging.  The ones that don't, well you have to be a senior for those and I am not.  62 or older you can get into one right away in some places.  The ones near my house are at least a year if not longer wait.  Where do I live in the meantime?  Out of a box somewhere?  I certainly do hope I get a job because that seems to be the only thing I can do to have a place to live.  However, there is the looming question on how well am I to work?  Well, I have major concentrating problems at time due to Fibro fog, plus there is the minor detail that I have a headache everyday not to mention the other problems with Fibromyalgia and Arthritis, etc.  Yeah, today is not my day.  I think I am going to take a nap shortly as I am exhausted from everything that has been going on lately.

We finished organizing Mom's paperwork.  Mine will start next week.  Of course I have paperwork that was due yesterday that I haven't done yet.  See what I mean about the fog?  I know sometimes that it has to be done, and then others I forget it.  I think I just want to hide from the world for the rest of today.  I am just really down this afternoon, didn't seem so this morning, but right now I am.  I don't have any dreams today.  They are all down the tube.  I hope later on is better and tomorrow is better too because this just stinks.

I miss Mom even more today, at least with her I knew where I would live and how we would live.  This limbo business is awful.  How do people do it?  I just don't know.  Today is not my day, maybe tomorrow will be better.

I don't qualify

I don't qualify for the job at oracle.  I do as far as the teaching part is, but the technical stuff, I don't know.  Also, you have to be able to stand for extended periods of time and we all know I can't.  So much for that plan.  On to plan B.  Still revamp resume, but let's see what else is out there.  I hope for 7 more students weekly, that is the goal.  7 more students.  Please pray for 7 more in the next month or two so I can stay in the house and not have to move.

Midweek

I can't believe it is Wednesday, already!  Oh my, this week has flown.  I pulled out my resume and sort of fixed it up.  I think it needs more, but my brain is slightly overloaded at this point, so I will go back to it again later tonight or tomorrow.  One or the other, who knows when.  Sometime before Friday as I want to apply for the job I would like by Friday.  I do hope I get it.  I know it will take time, but I really feel I could do this job and be good at it.  My only concern is my limited mobility but even that isn't a big concern.  I want to get my life going so I feel like I am moving forward instead of treading water.  Maybe I will miss Mom less and it will be less overwhelming if I am moving forward.  Right now, I am not doing a whole lot so it seems like every time I turn around I am bombarded with the realization that she is gone.  I need this to stop and move onward like she would want me too.

I really do think this job would be great for me.  I have years of experience in teaching and that is what the job is for, teaching, only in a corporate setting.  The travel isn't bad because there isn't any reason I can't travel, I mean, no one to come home to at this point.  I will keep the house which is one of my goals.  I don't want to move unless I have no choice, and with a job, I would have a choice because I would make enough money to keep the house!  I may even make enough in 3 years to buy the boys out of the house.  Works for me.  I don't know, that is jumping ahead of myself and I don't want to have unrealistic type goals.  I am feeling better, health wise, so I think getting a job would be good because I don't have the added stress of a family to take care of, I would be able to focus on taking care of me.  So you can see why I think a job at this point would work.  It isn't like it was when I had Mom, I needed to focus all my energies on her because she was so ill.  Now, I only have me.  I wish I had Mom, but I don't anymore.  She told me a long time ago she wanted me to be able to move forward after she had passed away.  I, of course, was horrified at that type of talk and basically changed the subject, but I know she doesn't want me pining away like I am.  It isn't good for pain, and it isn't good for the heart.  Yes, I miss her, and I miss her a lot, but I need to do something to move forward to.  I am sending my resume to Richard so he can look at it and give me some advice.  He would definitely know what the business world wants because he is in the heart of it.  Yes, part of me still wants to live with Richard, mainly out of fear and wanting to be with him because I do see him so little.  I miss him, I miss his family.  He has great kids and a wonderful wife that I enjoy being around.

I must digress!  I now have 2, yes 2 new students starting next week.  A young man name Dawson who is 12 and a young lady named Alyssa who is also 12 years old.  I am so excited about this.  This leaving everything to God is certainly working out well right now.  I am still scared to death at times, but hey, who isn't?  Most people I know get scared every so often, so I know that I am normal.  yeah, I now only need 7 new students in the next 3 months to keep me here in the house or a new job!  One or the other!!!!!

It has been a busyish day around here.  Tillie and Maia finished up with Mom's paperwork and will be starting on mine.  They are grocery shopping right now.  They have been gone for a very long time and boy am I getting hungry!!!!!  I tried to go to the Secretary of State today to cancel Mom's ID but I didn't bring in the Death Certificate and also I forgot my title to the car to take care of my car's little business so I will have to go back next week.  Not too much of a big deal.  Tomorrow we are meeting with the lawyer again and I hope he has everything I need finished because I don't want to have to make yet another trip.  I also am going to be getting my eyes checked.  Yuck, that happens at 1 pm at Walmart.  They do a good job there.  I was very happy with the doctor they have and with what I need to do so I don't become blind, (I have macular

I hope your day is going well.  Mine mostly has been okay.  I took care of some business, some I have to go and do later because of lack of the right papers.  I will be turning my attention on my room shortly.  Ugh, what a disaster that is right now.  Stuff everywhere!  Well, 1 drawer at a time, right?  That's my motto.  I thing at a time, can't do too many at a time because it will be too overwhelming.

paperwork day

We are doing major paperwork today.  Well, okay, Maia and Tillie are doing major paperwork.  I am just the bystander saying yes or no to whatever they are doing.  Tillie and I went to the lawyer's today only to discover he didn't do anything he was supposed to so we have to go back on Thursday at 10 am.  Yeah, I wasn't pleased about this at all.  We did get some questions answered but not by him by his assistant which was fine because I didn't know that I should have contacted the insurance last month for the house to be transferred over into the trust.  I mean, really, shouldn't that have been mentioned last week of things I need to do?  I am new at this and he is not.  I was not happy with the lawyer after finding that out.  The utilities are fine because mom's house is in a trust right now.  The house insurance will be transferred into her trust's name as soon as I fax the paperwork to them which will be tomorrow.

We have paperwork all over the table in the living room right now plus some in boxes and a couple of bags.  Biggest question, where to begin with everything.  Do we start with my bankruptcy stuff or with all mom's paperwork?  I just don't exactly know.  My head is swimming from everything that I waited forever to do and now have to do because I procrastinated way too long on.  I mean really, some of this stuff could have been taken care of a while ago if I just would have done that, but I didn't.  This summer I really got lazy on paperwork because I was so dealing with mom and all her issues that she had.  I really should have done better with my time and now I am sorry for it.  I am very sorry for that.

It has been a bit of a busy day since I had to open a bank account in my name, pick up medicine, go see the lawyer, and then go through more paperwork.  I wish I could magically get rid of all of this and it would be done but hey, we don't live in Harry Potter's world now do we?

We were looking at pictures of Mom that we found in her top drawer today.  There is even one of Mom in a bathing suit.  I would have love to have seen her in one.  I think I can count the number of times on 1 hand that I have seen her in a bathing suit as a child.  We found pictures of her in one.  She looked very cute.  Some of the pictures were rather old but were fun to look at.  The only sad part of the day was when the lady at the bank asked how Mom was doing.  Now, most of the people of the bank know Mom died because they froze her account and many have said they were sorry.  So, of course, I got teary eyed and she was upset because she didn't know.  I know she didn't mean anything by it, it just made me sad to have to say Mom died last month.

More paperwork for tomorrow is on the agenda for us and then Thursday the lawyer's office again, hopefully with paperwork ready for me this time.  I don't like wasting my time, I mean, he didn't come out to talk to us, his assistant did.  What does that say to us?  His time is more precious than ours?  I mean, really come out and talk to me directly please to explain why I have to come out again and then answer my questions.  I am paying you good money for all this.

Anyways, not a bad day, somewhat productive for a change.  I hope your day has gone well too.

Monday

It has been a month since my life changed drastically all with one phone call.  The phone call I got at 9:15 am October 10, one month ago.  The speech pathologist told me mom failed the swallowing test and they couldn't do anything about that.  She said there were more tests they could do but it would only confirm what they already knew, that she was aspirating on food and drink.  I said no more tests.  A couple of hours later the doctor called and wanted to know what I wanted to do for mom.  Did I want to take her home or place in the hospital hospice unit.  What did i want?  I want them to fix my mom.  Of course I wanted her home, but not to die, to live.  I chose her to be placed in the hospice unit.  I wasn't sure I was capable of giving her the care she would need in her final days.  It seems impossible to me that one month ago I could speak to my mom and she could speak to me.  Now there is only silence.  That week was the worse of my life.  I have never had anything worse.  How do you watch someone you love die?  Someone you need?  It is hard, yet, I was lucky because I did get to say goodbye and I love you.  Others aren't so lucky.  My heart broke that day and it hasn't healed yet.  I don't know if it ever will, but this hole is so empty at times without her.  I wish I had other things to keep me busy, but I don't and I think that is part of the problem.  I have way too much time on my hands.  I think of her a lot, I know she isn't suffering, but I am.  I don't want her to suffer, but I don't want to suffer either.  I want us to be together, like we were.  Happy.  I know the last year was so hard for her at times, but she was still here.  I did everything I could to take care of her.  I have no reason to get up except on the teaching days or if I have company.  I can sleep all I want and no one would notice least of all me.  When does the heart stop hurting so much?  It is overwhelming me at times, not all the time, but some of the time.  I don't cry all the time like I did when she first died.  I do feel lonely which is something that is new for me.  I have had horrible things happen to me before like so many others, but Mom was always there to help me through.  Now she is gone, who is going to help me through it because I don't think I can make it on my own.  I am scared a lot now which is also new.  How will I support myself?  Can I go back to work?  Will I be able to get enough students so that I can live?  These are the things that go through my mind today.  Not always, but some of the time.  They don't flip me out as easily as they did a couple of weeks ago.  I have done somethings to begin looking for a job.  I may have one new student which is possible to gain more.  If I have 11 students regularly each week, I will be okay and I will have enough money to live and pay my bills.  Right now I have 2 regularly each week with several who are once a month, every other week, but 11 regular would work good for me.  I have some time to figure it out.

I have printed my resume and am in the process of updating it.  It sounds like a lot of mumbo jumbo to me.  I have seen a position that would be good for me.  I just have to finish up my resume and then send it in.  It is a start anyway.  That is all I can ask for, is just a start.

I do hope you are having a good day.  My day did improve when Calli and Acer arrived.  They brightened up my day.  Bob also helped with that.  It got my mind on other things besides missing mom so much.  It just seems impossible that this has happened.

turning the corner on the cold

I think I have turned the corner and finally am getting better.  I am still simply exhausted, but I do feel a bit better today.  I have so much to do this week that I just don't have time to be ill.  I really don't.  Not that I think anyone has time to be ill, you know.  I have so much paperwork I need to fill out and copy to send in to places.  Tillie is planning to come tomorrow and I think so is Maia.  I need their help with this so that i get it done and done right.  It is too important to miss any papers.

I was supposed to go to my uncle's today but Michelle is ill too so it is a good thing she cancelled.  I wouldn't have been able to go either so I would have cancelled too.  She has a small son so I hope he didn't get it.  Colds are hard enough on adults let alone little boys.  I am, however, extremely glad I can't give this one to Mom.  That is about the only good thing I can say about her being gone.  Other than that, it really sucks to have your Mom gone.  I miss all the stuff we did together, even in this last year which wasn't her best.  We used to have such fun all the time together but now it is up to me.  I will be strong, she would want me to be.

I have to meet with the lawyer again this week for some paperwork.  I need to let him know he has to take care of the bank account too.  Silly bank, if they would have only let me make a deposit then Mom's account wouldn't be in the hole!  But they wouldn't!  Their problem for now.  Yup, because they wouldn't let me make a deposit that would have covered the check that I had written, they paid it and now the account is overdrawn.  Oh well, I won't worry about that one.

I am still resting for the most part today.  It looks pretty out but I don't know what the weather is like since I haven't been outside yet and am not planning to go outside at all.  I will pick up my medicine tomorrow.  I have 4 students tomorrow.  I will be well enough to teach since the cold is on the downside now.

I hope to have more interesting stuff to post in the next few days besides this miserable cold.  I hope you are healthy and doing well too!

saturday, and the cold is still here

I haven't been down by a cold in so long I forgot how miserable they can be.  i think I slept most of yesterday away, and it is looking like that will be the case again today.  However, if it makes me feel better, I am all for it.  It seems my uncle's girlfriend, Michelle, now has it too.  So that makes about 4 of us in the family who are sick.  She has the runny eyes too, which I have never had before, but boy do I look awful with runny eyes.  Not that I am sure anyone would look great with them, but I look awful.  I was told this morning I look like I am hungover.  Now, I have only had 1 drink in my entire life and it tasted awful so I don't think I am hungover.  I know that it is hard to believe, but I get sick at the smell of alcohol, simply sick to my tummy.  When I was younger and Mom would have wine, I got sick before I even took a drink of it, so no more tasting for me.  When I turned 21 I had the 1 drink and really, I only drank about 1/5 of it and then was ill, so you can see why I wouldn't be hungover.  Either way, i look absolutely horrifying.  I do hope this thing disappears rather quickly like it arrived.

I finally got my antibiotic.  I drank the entire dose like it said, so let's hope it is working!  It is a one dose medicine that stays in your system for about a week so hey, no drinking more medicine, although it didn't taste that bad.  I was happy about that.

Since I have been doing a lot of sleeping, not much has been done.  Tillie and Maia will be here Monday so then we will get the paperwork I need done here and ready to go.  I have been alone for most of the week and it hasn't been too bad.  I have my bad moments where I really want my mom, but others I am okay with her in Heaven.  I don't think I will ever get over her, I mean, she was my Mom and my best friend, but I am feeling more confident that I can do things on my own.  I am still nervous of what is going to happen, but I am working on trusting God more and more.  When you have no idea where you are going to be living in 6 months, it is hard work trusting God to provide and show the way.  He took care of Mom and showed me how to do that when I wasn't sure I could do it, so I know he will do the same for me.  This cold just has back tracked a few things that I will work on next week when I am as healthy as I can be.

Mom's friend, Jose, was here this morning with workout DVDs for us to do.  Yeah, I can't do any of them, not to mention I am sick with a cold right now.  I watched them with him, and let me tell you, I can't do anything they were doing.  Not one bit.  I mean, I can't walk very far, stand very long, or move my arms over my head very much either but he has me being able to do these exercises soon.  I wanted to cry.  He doesn't get it.  I have arthritis and Fibromyalgia.  How on earth does he expect me to do these?  I have no idea.  The next time he wants to come over for exercise I will be busy, I just will find something else to do.  this is crazy, I can't do it and I won't hurt myself trying to either.  He is so clueless on these illnesses.

Anyways, I am getting tired again.  Time to go and lay down some more.  I hope you are having a great day and enjoying good weather!

Still sick

I am still rather sick.  My throat still hurts although it isn't extreme, so that is good.  I am able to swallow without too much pain.  The over the counter medicines do help with that.  In about 10 minutes I can take some pain medicine.  I pick up my antibiotic after 5, which I am looking forward to because it should help a lot with the throat and the nose and eyes.  My eyes aren't watering like they were yesterday, although they are as red as yesterday and it looks quite funny.  I am glad about the fact they aren't watering so much today.

I have a lot to work on next week and I think with Maia and Tillie's help I will accomplish a lot.  I just need some help, that's all.  I don't see the point of not admitting when I need it and right now I do.  So they are coming on Monday to help with the State of Michigan stuff and the bankruptcy stuff.  I can't wait until this is all finished and taken care of and I don't have to think about it anymore!  Yeah!  Won't that be nice?  I think so.

I hope to talk to Richard today to see how he is doing.  I know he is working super hard right now for his family.  The kids, I think, are doing well.  I haven't seen them in 2 years though.  It seems like forever since I have last seen them.  I hope to see them at Christmas at least.  It feels like so far away from now to me though, even though it is only less than 2 months.  What can I say?  I have no concept of time right now because of this cold and everything that has been happening.

I think I am going to go and lay back down.  I am simply exhausted and can't seem to stay awake much longer.  I don't care if I sleep the day away as long as I get my medicine after 5, that is all that is important.  I am sure tomorrow will be a better day for this!

I am missing mom.  I can't say if it is more than usual or not, but I am missing her.  I am, however, glad I can't pass this cold to her as she was a horrible patient when she had a cold the last few years.  The tough little lady would turn into someone I never recognized.  She is where there is no sickness or anything like that.  I just wish she were here with me.

I do hope this finds you doing well and healthy, unlike me.  I hope you do not have a fall cold and that you are enjoying the weather whatever it is at your place!