Thursday, November 11, 2010

thursday - part 2

I am having a hard time adjusting today.  I came home from the eye doctor and was fine for a bit and then the tears started rolling.  Took a nap, was better, then a creditor for mom called and the tears started rolling again.  I can't seem to stop them so they just keep rolling on down my face.  I thought I was adjusting well, even have a possible lead for a job, but the tears are just rolling.  I even emailed my younger brother, Andrew, to see what he does when he is overwhelmed.  Is it because we started going through Mom's stuff?  Or because I am alone.  I was alone last weekend and was fine, sick with a cold, but fine.  What is up?  This grieving process has me thrown for a loop.  How on earth can people manage?  I don't seem to be doing it very well.  My head says one thing but my heart says something different.  I know Mom is not in pain anymore and she is healthy and well.  I know part of her will always be with me.  I know that, but it isn't helping me right now.  Is it because I am scared of what is going to happen?  I don't know, I have never been through anything like this before.  When my dad left, I had mom, when I got sick, I had mom, I mean, I always had Mom and now I don't.  Is this normal or I am just not handling this well?  I knew it would be hard as she was always with me, especially in the last five years, but I didn't know it would be this hard.  I had no idea.  Maybe I could have prepared for this.  I don't know.  Maybe.  Is there a good book I should read to help me, besides the bible, which sometimes helps, sometimes doesn't.  I know she is with family and friends in Heaven, but I want her here.  Am I just super selfish or what?  I don't understand  why my heart is hurting so bad.  I wish I was with her.  I just want to be with my mom, that is all, just with her because even in her bad days, it was better with her than without.  How long does this take before i don't cry a lot?  How on earth am I supposed to go on with living with this much pain?  It hurts more than fibro and arthritis and everything else I have.  Crying also makes my head hurt worse, so that makes even more pain.  I just don't get this.  I want her back now, right now so I won't hurt so bad.  I know people have gone through this before me, lots of people, how did they survive?

I am going to try to go to bed now.  I hope I sleep, this pain isn't so bad when I am sleeping.  Maybe I will be better tomorrow.  I hope so.  I need to get past this pain somehow.  It is overwhelming me so much that I feel like I am walking through mud and not going anywhere.  I think I need help for this.  Maybe counseling will help or is this normal 1 month after a parent or someone you love dies and leaves you all alone?  Am I losing my mind too?


  1. Heather, what you ae going through is perfectly normal. Grief doesnt have a time frame, it doesnt have rules..I have an idea for you, tho..check with Hospice and I can bet they have some counseling for you an also alist of reading material. this is the business they are in. Please call them, for me. My mother in law was cared for by hospice at the end and we had also gone through hospice when my FIL passed away many years was wonderful and these people are kind and giving and caring.

    I knw this this redundant, one day at a time rules in this..and try to keep yourself busy, I find, even when I a in a lot of pain, that cleaning out a drawer, or trashing some stuff feels really really good.
    hugs and love

  2. Heather,
    I wanted you to know I am thinking of you. It is such a hard thing to go through and it will take awhile to feel less sad. One of these days though you will start to remember the good times and be filled with happy memories and this will ease your pain. Try to focus on those things and keep busy, I know how hard that is when you don't feel well. Are there other family members or friends that you can call? I am here for you, just send me an e-mail and we can talk some more.
    It will get better I promise, but it won't be quick or easy. I think it's a great idea to contact Hospice. My son is a Hospice nurse and they are wonderful in these situations. It might be worth a try.
    I will check in with you in the morning, get some rest and sweet dreams sweetpea...