Friday, November 12, 2010

friday - a bit better of a day

I am feeling a bit better today after crying pretty much all last evening and some this morning.  I talked to Richard, my older brother, at 11pm last night.  hey, I was desperate to talk to someone and he called me back!  I had left a message that I wasn't doing too well and needed to talk to him.  He reassured me I was doing just fine and it was normal to feel what I was feeling, just like everyone else said.  It calmed me down enough to have a decent night sleep for a chance.  I was a bit teary eyed this morning but I called Kathy and we talked and now I feel much better.  I think it was because we started going through mom's things in the dining room cabinet.  We aren't going to go through anymore of mom's things until I am ready which is not right now.  I need help with the paperwork and that is all right now.  I can't handle cleaning out mom's stuff, that is the bottom line, nor do I want anyone else to take care of it.  I will do it later, not right now.  It feels like I am invading her privacy going through her stuff.  I know it needs to be done, but not yet.  I need more time to get used to this being alone business.

Julie just called.  Lily will be coming over here after she gets her teeth extracted so that Julie can take her husband, Ross, to the emergency room.  He fell and hurt his wrist.  Hey, I get Lily!  So I am happy on that.  I know she won't be feeling too great after getting teeth extracted, I don't care if she sleeps or whatever, I will get to feast my eyes on her and that is good.  Lily is one of the adopted grandchildren of Mom.  She and her sisters adopted Mom many years ago since they don't have their own grandparents in their life.  Lily is very upset over mom dying too.  It is very hard for her and her sister, just like it is me.

I hope by the weekend to have some pictures ready to post of mom.  There are a couple of when she was young that I simply love and then of course, the professional pictures I got taken this past march near her birthday.  I also plan to work on the thank you notes.  I haven't even started them yet.  I would have yesterday, but we all know how that day went.  I have to be clear headed to do the notes.  There are so many people to thank.  So many of my friends came to support me which I completely appreciate.  I know I am a very lucky girl, I have family and friends who love me and that is so important.  I love them right back.  It helped a lot to talk to Kathy and Richard today and yesterday.  Sometimes just hearing a voice on the other end is very helpful to me.  I am glad that I am doing what is considered normal at this stage of the game.  I was so afraid that I wasn't adjusting well and that I was not normal with this grieving that I am doing.  I can think of mom today and smile.  I am not going to go through pictures today though, I am still feeling a bit fragile, but I want to post some this weekend so everyone can see how awesome my mom was, not just hear me say it.  Like Kathy said today, it sucks, no way around it, it just sucks.  I dread the day she has to go through this, however, she will have me, because I will have gone through it, maybe I can make her pain a bit less.  Fortunately, her parents are both very healthy.  They came to the funeral to see mom, they didn't come to the funeral because they were watching Kathy's little girls.  I was so glad we had the funeral on a day Kathy could be there, because it helped tremendously to have my best friend there with me holding my hand.

I hope you are having a good day.  Mine is better, not great, but better.  Lily will be here soon, so that should be awesome to chat with the young lady.

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