meeting for tea

I met Donna this afternoon for tea at the local borders music and book store.  It was fun.  We were there for about 2 hours before we both started getting a bit tired and had to leave.  It is nice to see her out of the house and out and about.  She had spine surgery last spring and has been recovering ever since.  She is doing pretty amazingly well.  I hope it continues for her.

Today is Halloween.  I am just not into Halloween.  I don't particularly like this holiday.  It isn't like it was when we were small.  I don't do scary very well.  I get nightmares pretty easy and so I tend to shy away from scary stuff.  Normally I would have bought candy this week and Mom would pass it out but this year I am hiding in the house, maybe taking a nap as I am so tired today.  I slept in too but I feel like I could go to sleep some more right now.  Maybe I will go and take a nap.  Hm, I think I will.  More later.

I am back.  I went and took a nap, I just couldn't stay awake anymore.  It is now trick or treating time and I am in the dining room with only the kitchen light on.  Kind of weird being in the dark, but I don't want to turn lights on and have people think I am home or passing out candy.  Kids are definitely out.  I hope no one comes to my door because I won't answer it.  Maybe I should have bought some candy, but I really don't like Halloween, that was Mom's holiday.

Thanksgiving will be next.  I am unsure on whether or not I will cook a dinner or go to someone's house for it.  I will wait and see how it goes.  Kathy thinks I can go to her parents, she is checking for me.  With Richard and I being the only family in USA, all our relatives already had their Thanksgiving earlier this month.

I have been on my own now for 2 days without someone staying the night.  Make that 3 days because Friday night I was alone too.  I think I am doing alright, not great, but okay.  Maia will be here briefly tomorrow and Tillie will be here on Tuesday.  The garage looks good and mostly empty.  My room is partly organized, not completely yet.  I have to find a box for some of the original teaching CDs.  I have a big container for most of them, but not all the new ones fit in it so I need another.  Maybe Tuesday I will go and get one.

I have to work on Calli's Christmas music.  I almost forgot all about that.  Her lesson is tomorrow and I need to arrange her Christmas piano piece because it is too hard, and make an accompaniment to her vocal piece.  Glad I thought of that now and not tomorrow.  I should have been doing this on Tuesday last week when I was home.

I am going to hang a blanket at the downstairs hallway.  I have to get some tacks so that I can hang it.  I am going to block off the downstairs so the heat stays more upstairs than downstairs.  Also, I don't use the family room right now, so I am not going to heat it.  It will help on the heating bill this winter.  Next week I am going to look at the state of my finances so I will know how long I can stay in the house without a job.  I am hoping to have a job by Christmas so that I won't have to worry about finances.  I will be calling my social worker tomorrow and I have to find my ticket to work info from disability.  Each may have a program that will help me.  It is very scary not knowing what is going to happen and I have never been in this position before, so I am a bit scared of it.  I do know that something will work out and I won't be homeless or starving.  I don't know what there is out there for disabled people as far as housing issues are and stuff like that but that is my job this week is to figure it out.  I will, I have people who will be helping me.  I need to also call Richard's friend, Dave, because he may be able to help me out to.  I will take what help I can get at this point because I am in uncharted waters so to speak.



Well, try to have a good Halloween.  I am having a better day.  I hope the weather man is wrong and the white stuff stays away for a bit longer.  I think it is time to pull out the old winter jacket.  Ugh, that time of year again!  So, stay warm and Happy Halloween!

last goodbye

Today was the day we buried Mom's ashes in the cemetery in Chatham, Ontario, Canada.  Most of my cousins and my 2 uncles were there.  Andrew was there too.  Tillie had brought the ashes over Thursday thinking I would spend the night last night and then leave from there.  Well, I ended up staying home and leaving from here.  I am very tired today as I got up at 7 am and we all know how that is just the middle of the night to me.  I am a 10 to 12 get up girl.  It was a quick service.  Andrew and Tillie spoke, I couldn't.  I was just too upset.  It seems like I have said goodbye to Mom for so long now.  I can't believe it is over.  Our house is so quiet.  She wasn't very noisy but she was here.  I could feel her in the house.  Now I don't feel her in our house anymore.  I did the week she was in the hospital, but I don't know.  Sometimes I am lonely, sometimes I am not.  I have never really felt lonely before except for the few times as a teenager as many teenagers do.  It is weird to me to think I can go to sleep anytime I want and that I can get up at anytime that I want.  I have much work planned for the week.  Monday, I have either 7 or 4 lessons depending on the Muglia schedule.  Because it is the 1st, sometimes we wait until the 8th.  Whatever works for them, works for me.  Tuesday, I am meeting with Mom's lawyer to go over the trust.  Wednesday, I am going to Job Works and see what is available for me as far as programs go, being disabled, there might be something for me.  I also have a lesson on Tuesday.  Thursday is my tummy doctor's appointment check up.  I go every 3 months to make sure the medicine is working well.  Friday, I have nothing concrete planned.  Saturday, I hope to have a lesson and perhaps Sunday too.  I don't have any concrete plans for tomorrow except for hiding during trick or treat time.  Mom was big on passing out candy and I am just not up for it this year.  If Mom were here, then we would, but since she is gone, I am going to hide.

I am going to dinner with the Emertons.  I have to remember to bring the pictures.  Lily and Emily will giggle a lot at them.  I did.  I can't believe how big my hair got.  Oh well, it was the style.

I hope this finds you doing well.  Overall, I would say I am doing better than last week and definitely better than yesterday.  I still miss Mom a lot, and I expect I will for a while.  She was such a big part of my life.  I know that she would be so disappointed in me if I just shrivel up and hide from the world.  She wanted me to have a good life and I will, just will take some time to get that way.  I want to thank all my bloggy friends for the support you have given me the last few difficult weeks.  I have never lost anyone so close to me before and I am glad I have friends who support and care about me.  It makes everything so much easier.  I really appreciate all the comments I have gotten.  Thank you!

missing

I am missing Mom a lot right now.  Tomorrow we have to go and bury her ashes in Canada.  I want my mom back right now.  I don't want to bury her, I want her with me.  I am not feeling very strong right now.

back from K-zoo

I went to Kalamazoo for a few days to see Kathy and her family.  It was a lot of fun.  Tomorrow is the service at the cemetery where Mom's ashes are going to be buried.  I am not looking forward to that.  I am tired and kind of cranky right now.  When I left, Tillie and Maia were still here and they turned off the heat, which is fine, but they forgot to turn it back on!  Oh my!  It is like so cold in here right now.  I turned it back on that is for sure.  Thank goodness it didn't get too cold at night or I would have been in big trouble. I am glad I came home instead of going straight to Windsor as it is supposed to get super cold tonight.  I know I get colder than everyone else, that is for sure but heat must be turned back on.

I bought me 2 hoodies in Kalamazoo.  I have a cute blue one and a cute gray one, they aren't pink like I wanted, but I will be just fine with these.  I have other hoodies, but the problem is they belong to other outfits and well, they have to be worn with those outfits or eventually one part of the outfit will fade before the other and I don't want that to happen.  They are quite cute outfits and I love them.

Kathy's youngest son, Jacob, turned 9 on Wednesday so I got to be there for the birthday dinner and cake and ice cream!  How cool was that?  I was pretty excited about that.  I saw the twins put their Halloween costumes on in time for the preschool party.  Alicia was Ariel and Samantha was Belle.  Both girls looked really adorable.  I will be changing the picture on my phone to them so when their Mom calls, the picture will pop up.

I haven't heard anything more about the 2 new potential students.  The one lady who called said she was going to call about 6 other people and then let me know.  That can take a few days.  The email, I haven't heard back from either, so I am still hopeful about that.

Well, that is about it for the day.  My head is sore because of the long drive by myself.  I definitely prefer driving with someone else in the car.  Not fun driving by oneself.  Not fun at all.  I tried not to remember the last time I drove out that way was when Mom and I went to Kalamazoo this summer to see Kathy and family.  We had such a good time and Mom did so good during that whole trip.  She slept nicely in the hotel, she was chatting away, and then playing with the girls.  It was just fun.  I try not to think about her all the time but it is so hard right now.  She is always with me.  I miss her so much, and tomorrow will be difficult but somehow I will muddle through and then come home and rest.  I am so tired today too, just completely exhausted.  I was supposed to go and spend the night in Windsor, but I am so exhausted, I think I am turning in extremely early and then get up super early.  I will be in Windsor by 8 am to leave for the cemetery.  I think that is what I am going to do.  I have to get my stuff out of the car now.

I hope this finds you having a good day.

Keeping Faith

Today I was reading one of the blogs I read, and it hit me.  I have to let this money situation go and let God take care of it.  That is what I believe, so now is the time to act upon it.  I am praying.  I know somehow the financial situation will work out and I will be living where I am supposed to be.  Today, I am more hopeful.  Mom is also watching out for me.  I know she is.  It is a bit easier right now for me.  Earlier in the doctor office it was hard because it was the first time since Mom died that I had been in there and the nurses all wanted to let me know how sorry they were.  I was thankful.  So many people have been so kind to me.  I miss her all the time.  How could I not?  She was my whole life for the last few years, and before that she came with me to my store everyday.  Yup, everyday, the little Mom would get up and get ready to go to work with me.  It was awesome.  Some days she would help a bit, but others she would sit and talk to the students or the customers or just do her puzzle books.  Everyone loved her especially the little ones.  She was very friendly to everyone.  She grieved with me when the economy took my beloved store.  But once again, God provides.  He showed me a way to pay our bills.  He showed me He wanted me to take care of Mom.  We may have been late on some bills, but not very often.  He provided.  I can see that now.  Now I need to trust Him again.

Many relatives will be at the burial on Saturday.  I hope to see them again afterward.  With the family so scattered, as many families are, it is important to get together.  The last time I saw all of them, before this past weekend, was Momma's party in March.  It was nice to see so many of them there.  Then we had the friend party, wow, so many of our friends and neighbors came to that too.  I am truly blessed to have the family and friends that I have.  I have been feeling much better this afternoon.  Mom is still with me.  I won't ever forget her, but she wanted me to go on even if she wasn't here.  That was her wish.  She told me so years ago when she first became ill.  She wanted me to be strong.  Well, I will be, because she will always be in my heart.

I received an email today from a woman who wants voice lessons and wanted to know if I taught adults. Well, I do.  Then, I received a phone call from a woman who wants piano lessons!  Talk about God's timing!  I do hope that I will soon have 2 more students.  I will also be looking for a job, but hey, if I get enough students, then that is the job.

It is raining and windy today here.  It down poured for a while this afternoon.  We are under a tornado watch in our area until about 6 pm.  I do hope it passes over us and no one gets hurt.  So far, tears are under control today.  It is definitely a better day than yesterday.  I hope your day is good too.

Monday

I am doing okay today.  I did almost break down a couple of times, but one was when someone called and asked to talk to Mom and the other was buying the thank you notes for the visitation and the funeral.  It is very strange to do errands without the little Momma with me.  I mean, up until summer, I took her everywhere with me.  She was always with me and has been for about 5 years so you can see why it is so strange for me.  I took the Deed to the house to the Registry of Deeds to change over the house from Mom to her trust.  I paid for the funeral and the meat for the church luncheon.  One more activity for us and then Mom will be resting in peace.  I have to pick up her ashes tomorrow.  That will seem very weird too because she will be in a small box.  I am glad I have company because it is creepy to have someone's ashes in the house I think.  I will be taking them across the border on Friday when I head to Tillie's for the night.  I am spending the night because I don't know how early I have to get up to get there on Saturday.  You never know with the border.  It could be a breeze or it could be an hour.  One just never knows.

Pain wise, I am doing okay.  My hips don't hurt so much at night anymore since I am not pulling Mom across the dining room and kitchen to the back bathroom nor am I struggling to get her upstairs.  I sleep a bit better when someone is in the house with me than I do when I am alone.  I know I will get used to it, but right now I am not.  Rare has been the time I have been alone at night in the house.  When I am by myself I leave the kitchen light on because it comforts me.  I don't feel so alone with the light on.  I have a night light in the bathroom now, I will see if that will be enough light for me when I am alone.

I have 4 lessons today, 2 for Calli, then Acer and Bob.  I am glad.  It gives me something to look forward to and something to do with my time.  I contacted a friend of mine who's place of work has some openings.  I will find out about hopefully tonight or sometime this week.

My friend, Donna, has assured me that the pain of losing Mom will get easier.  I sure hope so because right now it hurts a lot, more than my fibro pain.  I feel tears all the time just below the surface.  I can't get a job and be a wreck so I am hoping by next week or so I am a little better.  I just can't believe this happened now.  Deep down I have known all summer she was dying, but still, I thought I could be better prepared for the actuality of it.  I now know, I can't, no one can.  Even when it is expected, it still hurts so much.  I am thankful for the time we had together, even with the Alzheimer's.  I got to take care of her and I didn't have to miss spending time with her like my brothers did.  They missed out on a lot of stuff.  I was with her all day, everyday.  Like I said, she came everywhere with me.  She liked going out with me.  She loved going to lessons with me.  She loved music and sewing.  Listening to the students, no matter the level, made her smile and gave her enjoyment.  She loved going to the movies with me.  I loved having her with me, all the time, most of the time.  She would help me at competitions and at recitals with holding stuff for me or getting something ready for me so I could focus on the kids.  That was just Mom.  She had come to competition with me for 20 years of my students competing.  She simply loved going and I loved having her because she was so helpful and my companion.

I hope you are having a good day.  It is beautiful out.  A nice, lovely October day.  We all know what I wish, but I am hoping Mom is smiling down from Heaven enjoying the weather with me.

It is finished

The funeral for Mom was yesterday.  The minister did a really nice job although she only just met Mom.  She would have liked Mom had she been able to get to know her.   The luncheon was really nice too.  There were a lot of people there.  I was thankful.  The opening music was the Canadian National Anthem and as they brought Mom's casket down, I lost it.  It was so moving to me.  I composed myself and did better after that.  I even managed to sing (with Katie) pretty well so I was pleased I got through that nicely. I think Mom would have liked it a lot.  She would have not been happy about being the center of attention, but she would have liked the song I sang.  I sang "You Raise Me Up", the Celtic Woman version.

I dropped Richard off today so he could go for another week of work.  I don't know how he is handling this because he keeps things to himself.  I was glad to finally see him after more than 2 years of not being able to see him.  He just called.  He arrived safely and is heading to the hotel to get ready for tomorrow's day of work.  I miss him already but not as much as mom.

It is very strange and quiet in the house.  Tillie is coming back over tonight to stay for a few days.  I am glad.  I don't want to be alone right now.  In a week or so it will be okay, but right now I cry at the drop of a hat it seems.  The quiet is so loud to me.  I look out the window and I hope that Mom is enjoying herself in Heaven.  I miss her so much.  I miss the woman she was and the woman she became with Alzheimer's.  It is very weird not having her to take care of.  I can go where I want, when I want.  Yet, I would give almost anything to have her back.  I know it is impossible, but I want her back right her where she belongs, with me.  We were a team, that's what I used to tell her.  She would smile at that.  I supposed I should be thankful she never got totally into stage 7.  She never lost her smile or her communication skills totally, but I am not, because she is gone.  I feel her around me and sometimes I talk to her.  I tell her I will be okay, even though the tears are right below the surface.  I cry very easy today.  I hope that eventually goes away because you can't go through life with tears all the time.

I am going to be working on my list of things to do.  I have so much that has to be done.  First thing tomorrow I have some errands to run.  I have 4 lessons tomorrow that I am so grateful that I have.  I love teaching, it gives me such joy.  Mom enjoyed listening to the lessons too.  I will miss that.  There is so much that I will miss.  Still, I have so many memories to think of that will eventually make me smile.

I hope you had a good weekend.  It has been tough for me, but I did get through it, maybe not with flying colors, but I think Mom would have been happy with how well things went and how many people came to see her.

Viewing Day

Today is the viewing from 2 to 9.  I am kind of nervous about it because we don't know how many people will be coming.  I know some are, but I don't know how many or mostly who.  I only know about a few of them.  I hope Mom looks okay, I know they can't add extra pounds on her but I hope she looks okay.

I am picking up Richard in a few minutes.  I am going to leave a bit early so I can get some food along the way and make sure I am not late.  He arrives at 11:35.  I am very excited to see him.  I haven't physically seen him in 2 years.  I am bringing a book with me to read so I won't be bored waiting for him.  Well, I will be, but not as much with a book in hand.  Then we will head straight home and then to the viewing.  It will be a long day for me.  I have a bit of a headache right now which is probably not the best way to start the day.  It hurts more than the usual headache.  I will be taking medicine for it right before I leave.

Mom will have an open casket.  Yes, I know, some family members wanted it closed, but I want it open so it will be.  Everything is mostly my choice for Mom.  I picked out everything for her.  I planned everything for her tomorrow too.  It was a few of the last things I could do for her.

I am heading out now to go and pick up the big brother.

day before everything happens

Today will be another quiet day.  I don't have much to do today because everything happens tomorrow.  Tomorrow morning I go and pick up Richard then we race back to be back in time for the showing.  Then, of course, Saturday is the funeral at church.  They called today to ask if the menu was okay.  I said yes, it was fine, because 1 - it was fine and 2 - I don't really care about food right now.  Richard wants to talk to me on the way to the viewing.  Works for me as I haven't really talked to much to him in the last few months.  We have both been so busy, me with Mom and he with his family.  We do need to talk about my future.  It is looking a bit bleak after a few months, but I am not thinking about that right now.  I will deal with all that next week.  Maia is working on copying the slideshow she made of Mom onto DVDs right now.  Tillie is in the shower.  One of them is picking up Danielle tomorrow for the viewing and then Danielle will be going home with Tillie and coming back for the funeral on Saturday.

It is slowly sinking in that she is really gone.  It seems so impossible to me that just a couple of weeks ago she was perfectly fine (well, as perfect as someone gets with Alzheimer's) and now she is gone.  I had been expecting it, but still, when it happened it was a shock.  I want my Mom back.  I want her now.  Right now.  I know it isn't going to happen, but still I can wish even if the wish will not come true.

I think I will make cookies for dessert on Saturday.  I am not sure, we will see.  Maybe I will order a cake instead.  I don't know.  what is proper for these things?  I have never been in charge of one before so I don't know.

I wish this weekend was over already.  It is going to be really hard.

wednesday

The man from the hospital bed company is here removing the special hospital bed Mom had.  It was an air type bed to help heal her sores.  They never got worse while she slept in the bed, but since she couldn't eat, they didn't heal either.

I am alone right now for the first time since she died.  It seems so unreal at times to me because I have always lived with her.  When I was healthier and younger all my friends were having issues with their roommates and roommates boyfriends, so I didn't want to get into that situation.  I was able to just pay Mom rent and stay home.  Then when I could afford my own apartment, Mom became ill so I was needed to stay home with her.  I never minded, I mean, it isn't like she could tell me what to do or ground me or anything.  We were just roommates.  I liked living here.  The choice of an apartment over a house was not even thought of.  Our house had room to entertain if we wanted to, which we did when she was healthier a lot.  My friends would come over and we would play board games.  I love board games.  They are so much fun.  Mom and I were able to play board games up until about a year ago.  She loved moving everyone around on the board.  It was quite cute to see her do that.

The PowerPoint is finished.  Maia did a nice job with it.  The dress uniform is on mom's dressmaker form.  We had to get a different blouse because it got donated with the rest of mom's stuff in March.  If I had seen what they were doing I think a few more military stuff would not have been donated but they were and it is too late to get them back now.  I did try but they either went to a different store or they were put out a long time after they were donated.  I emailed the war museum in Ottawa, Ontario yesterday letting them know Mom has passed away so they can get her military record for them.  I am donating all Mom's military stuff to them.  They don't have a lot of post WWII on display so this will add to their displays plus Mom was one of the first women to become a major in all of Canada.  She was the first in Ontario.  I am so proud of what she accomplished while she was in the military there.  Although I remember as a child being afraid that Canada and the USA would go to war at each other and then we would be sent to concentration camps.  Amazing what children can fear isn't it?

It is a quiet day for me.  I plan to read and get some papers together to send to the State of Michigan.  I just don't plan to do much for the day right now.  It is beautiful out so I do plan to take my scooter and go for a walk after I get it together.  Mom loved going for walks so I am going to go for a scooter ride and remember all the good times we had going for walks.

plans

I have all the plans all ready.  There will be a viewing on Friday from 2 to 9 at the Gramer Funeral Home with the funeral service on Saturday at 11 am with a luncheon right after.  I think I am going to have Richard read the Eulogy.  I wrote one, but he can write his own, whatever he wants.  I am singing with Katie.  We are singing "You Raise Me Up", the Celtic Woman version.  It has a verse that we are both unfamiliar with, but it fits nicely with the song.  I didn't think I could sing alone and well, I didn't want to mess up either so Katie is singing with me.  I have called or face booked so many people that I lost count.  I have had people already tell me that they are coming either Friday or Saturday.  One of my cousins will be there Friday but not Saturday because she is planning to go to the burial which is close to her home.  It will be a nice service, I think she would be happy with it.  I hope so.  We have one of her military uniforms ready to be on display next to her.  We are working on getting a Canadian Flag to drape over her coffin like they do with American Flags.  All of the military stuff, except the pictures that I want, will be going to a museum in Ottawa, Ontario.  That is where the Military Museum is at.  I couldn't send her stuff a few years ago because they couldn't get a copy of her Military Record.  Now that she has passed they can.  I have to email them today.  I will do it in a few minutes.

I miss her a lot already although I am handling it okay.  I have my bad moments, like when Margaret, the No One Dies Alone volunteer, called to tell me that Mom passed quietly and without any pain.  She was with Mom at that time she died.  I was glad I was not with her because I don't think I could have handled it very well.  Mom wasn't alone and that is what matters.  Mom waited for me to go home for the night.  I was with her most of the day.  She slipped away 15 minutes after I left.