December!!!

I can't believe it is December.  Somehow I think that every month, don't I?  Well, time has a way of getting away from me.

As it is getting colder out here, my arthritis is not a happy camper.  It isn't too bad right now but I can tell that it isn't happy about being cold.  I will dress warmer and make sure that I am wearing weather appropriate clothing especially if I need a hoodie or not.  I love my hoodies.  They are the best.  I have several that are just so cute.  Three are from Disney.  One is white and says Flirt.  It is a Tinkerbell one. Another is Red and has Mickey on it.  Lastly is gray and says one world, one mouse.  I love that one.  I love my hoodies!!!  The other ones go with different jeans and outfits.  They are different colors and are really cute too.  i am definitely a hoodie girl.

I was taking some pictures of Peony yesterday.  She is my favorite subject, I think.  I have so many of her.  I am sure there are days when she is like, seriously?  Do you have to take my picture yet again?  don't you have enough of them?  I would say poor doggie, but I don't feel bad as I am the one who takes the constant pictures of her.  My new phone plan lets me post directly on to facebook so I don't have to do what I used to, so that is good.

I have been really enjoying the chair in my room at night for reading.  Peony has been coming in and vegging in my room with me.  She plays with her toys and then sleeps a bit before bedtime.  It is such a neat thing.  She is such a cute dog.  Peony will go between me and my housemates too, which I find interesting.  I love how she does that.  She also knows that I am partially deaf because when I don't go to the door to see who comes in and she does, she comes back to me to make sure I know someone came in.  It is very reassuring to know she will not let anyone in without me knowing.

I am working on puppets for my students for their Christmas gifts.  Tomorrow I will be heading to friends to work on them with them.  It will be fun, I think.  They are good kids and I think we will have fun making them.  I never realized how much pinking material really hurts my arthritis in my hands, but  boy oh boy, does it.  I was going to finish it tonight, but now I am not.  I will do it tomorrow.  I need 29 puppets.  I have 29 pieces of cloth, 30 balls for the head, and 100 sticks for the arms, so I am all set.  I have the one puppet for display to show me what I want it to look like.  I am very excited about this craft as it is totally different from anything I have ever done before and with the kids helping me, it should be lots of fun too.  A few, I am only making kits for because on Christmas Day we will be making them together.  That would be Kathy's children.  This will give us something fun to do on Christmas Day besides play play play together.  The kids are such nice kids.  The Ellers, as we call them, are the ones helping me so in fact, they are making their own presents but they won't mind as they are wonderful children.  I am excited to see them tomorrow.

I feel like my fibro is finally a bit more under control, pain wise.  I am not so sure fatigue wise, because some days I am fine, others I am not.  It all depends on the day.  It really does.  Adding in the one medicine in August when I was in the hospital really made a big difference to my headaches too.  The Gabapentin seems to help a lot with the nerve pain I didn't even know I had.  I do know now since I feel better, but I didn't then.  My neck doesn't seem to hurt as much, which is a big relief.

Well, kids will be home soon and Acer will need his lesson.  Calli and Acer are working on a duet for the concert so we will be practicing that too.  I can't believe the recital is next Saturday!  I feel so behind!

Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving was good.  I went to a friend's house with another friend in tow and we had a lot of fun.  it was a bit dicey driving home at first because it was black ice, but then it cleared up and we were fine. I got home and let the Peony girl out since she had been crated for several hours then she and I snuggled in my bed before everyone else came home.

I wanted to post new pictures of Peony I took recently, but my scan card is not working so I have to get another one.  I will do that this week.  Poor little card.  I must have these pictures!  It must have gotten damaged during the storm that damaged the phone a bit last fall.  She looks so cute in her new pictures! Okay - yes, I simply adore my dog!

This was a tough year for me, but still, I am really thankful for so many good things in my life: family, friends, pets, students and their families, and last but not the least, a roof over my head.  Thanks to the generosity of my friends, we will not lose the house.  I am floored by how they came together to help us keep the house which in fact also keeps me teaching as I teach here at home.  I know I don't teach full time, and won't until they find a cure or a medicine without massive side effects, but still, I need to teach the bit I do.

I hope your Thanksgiving was awesome too!

Fibro and the looming possible house foreclosure

We are in danger of losing the house.  We are short $2058 to stop foreclosure proceedings.  I can pay the monthly payments but I have yet to figure out how to pay the back stuff.  Yeah, that would be the issue.  I had hoped that in the safe deposit box would be some sellable jewelry, there isn't just mom's pearls, which are going to Abigail, and my necklace, and a few other things but nothing we can sell.  We did find $124 Canadian but that paid for the drilling of the safe deposit box so that brings us back to well, the beginning.

My anxiety is high, I will admit and the pain levels are high too.  I expected this because of the situation I am in.  I don't want to sell the house, which is the extremely very very very very very last resort because I will not only lose my home, but my livelihood, teaching as I teach at home.  The house is set up to teach and where else would I be able to teach?  There are no studios in the area hiring (I tried) and apartments around here are not conducive for teaching plus I don't know how I would afford an apartment on disability alone so basically, I will be homeless, literally, if I don't somehow someway come up with a plan.

So I did.  I will be talking to housemates this weekend but also I took a suggestion from a friend about setting up a gofundme.com account.  I don't have super high expectations but so far, someone has donated $50 so hey, that is $50 more than what I had earlier.  I am thrilled.  I mean, I am so thankful for this help.  I sure hope we do get more because this past summer was the worst.  First Calli got super duper sick, then I got sick, it was just a horrible cycle of bad things.  Now that things are back to normal, we stuck with this.  I didn't even know because I have been speaking to the bank this whole time and well, they led me to mistakenly believe that because I was making regular payments again, that we were fine.  I was wrong.  I didn't ask the right questions.  I know better.  I have made some changes here at home that will prevent this from ever happening again so I feel better about that.  I just need to somehow, someway get the rest of the money.

I am open to suggestions.

The Anniversary of Momma's passing

Well, the most hated day of the year has past and I survived with flying colors!  For all my paralyzing fear of the day, October 18, I was fine.  It was even a fun day as after lessons we drove to our friend's house and had dinner there.  It was really good.

My anxiety goes into overdrive when the date of October 18 rolls around and as it inches closer, well, more and more fear creeps into me causing the extreme paralyzing fear.  This year makes the 4th year since Momma passed away.  I don't think she would be happy with the paralyzing fear but I also don't think she would be surprised since she did know what my anxiety was like.  I get this way around her birthday too.  It is just insane.  It isn't like those are the only 2 days a year that I think and remember her, I think of her everyday.

I am proud that I did do well on that day.  We had things planned and that was good but I didn't feel the urge to lie down and cry all day either, which is what I did the first 2 years after Momma died.  All I did the first year, I think, was cry.

I talked to Heather BT about this paralyzing fear and she said when I feel it coming on to speak with her so I will.  She is very calm and can help me calm the fear with such good things.  I am so thankful.  Kathy is the same way.



Here is an absolutely adorable picture of the Peony girl doggie.  She makes everything bright in my life.  I never knew, until Maisy, how wonderful a dog's love could be.  Here is also a picture of Maisy.  I miss her, but she is in Heaven with Momma so Momma isn't lonely for me.  Maisy is the top picture and Peony is the bottom picture.

I love them both soooooo much!!!!!  Peony is such a friendly little one.  Maisy was friendly to kids and women.  She was so afraid of men.  Dogs just fill my heart full of love!!!!!!

headaches

It is quiet here today and I am enjoying it.  Peony is here with me on and off, depending on what she decides to do.  It is quit cute when she prances here and there.  It is fun to watch her walk because she actually prances more than walks.

I don't have lessons today because it is Sunday and most Sundays I don't have lessons.  I went to breakfast with Tilley, Lia, and Luana this morning.  It was fun.  I hadn't seen them in a while so it was nice to catch up with them.  Lia had her baby since I last saw her, Logan.  I have seen pictures and oh my, he is so cute!  I can't wait to see him in person.  I am not sure when that will be, but I am sure it will be soon.

It has been just Will (our friend who is visiting), Peony, and I this weekend.  I have enjoyed the quiet but I am ready for everyone to come home.  I read a lot yesterday with Peony next to me on the couch. I liked that a lot and then we went upstairs to my room.  She was laying on my bed for a couple of hours while I read some more.  She also spent some time with Will in the afternoon and this morning while I was at breakfast.  Peony is going back and forth between us now, which is funny.

For some odd reason, I have had a problem with my left calf/shin and my foot going numb when I am sitting in a chair.  I have a stool for my feet to sit on because otherwise both my legs go numb but this has not really happened before.  I don't get it.  When I sit on my bed, it is the right calf/shin and foot that goes numb.  It is really weird.  I know it isn't anything serious but boy is it annoying.  They don't hurt, they just go numb.

I have the yearly appointment with the kidney doctor tomorrow to check on the mass on my kidney.  A part of me is worried and a part of me is not.  Last year, I had to have a biopsy because they thought they saw cancer cells on the mass.  It hasn't changed sizes in 6 years so I don't think it will, but there is that small voice in the back of my head that says, what if?  I am trying to ignore that small voice.  So far, during the day, I can but at night, well, that sometimes is a losing battle.  I had the CT scan on Wednesday so he will have the results tomorrow.  I have not asked anyone to attend the appointment with me because I don't think it is necessary unlike last year when they thought I had kidney cancer.  I do hope to avoid the whole biopsy thing this year.  It didn't hurt too bad but I lost a whole day of teaching and I would prefer not to do that especially if the mass hasn't changed sizes.  Of course, if it has grown, that is a whole other issue and I won't complain about a biopsy.

I have an appointment with my hematologist on Wednesday.  It is really just a check up on my protime.  My blood has been up and down for about 6 weeks now so I have been having to go every week because of that.  Also, he has been doing a few other tests because of the massive amount of bruising I have been having.  So far, it is because of the medicine I take and that is okay compared to what it could be.  I haven't bruised too much in the past couple of weeks though so I think that is good.

Next Monday, I have an appointment with the tummy doctor.  In the hospital, they stopped my reglan medicine because I began to have tremors.  I haven't since.  I don't know if it is because they gave it to me directly into the IV or when they gave it to me or how often.  I just don't know but I need to speak with the doctor on that.  My stomach has not been the same since because the reglan actually helps digest my food and I do need it.  So since then my stomach has been upset more often than not.  I think that is the last of the appointments of the month.  I sure hope so!  I am so tired of doctors and I see so many.  I think I have 8 specialists (including the 2 I see once a year) and my general doctor.  It is just insane but there isn't anything I can do about it.

My headaches have been worse again at night, especially at the back of the head.  My neck is better since the starting of the gabapentin but not the headaches.  I get so discouraged at how bad they get at night and early morning.  So many mornings my best sleep starts at about 6 am.  So far nothing has worked to eliminate them or even reduce them enough to sleep better.  I wake up every 2 or 3 hours as it is to roll over from the leg pain of fibro, add the headache pain, and I don't sleep very much.  It is just awful.  At least I can function during the day and I am grateful for that.  I just want to be able to sleep better at night.  When I was in the hospital, I slept all day and night so when I came home that is what I did for 3 days.  I also was very dizzy and extremely exhausted.  I felt like I was walking through mud.  After a week, I felt better, and I am back to normal, I just wish they would have found the miracle to stop the headaches.  I don't think there is one right now.  It is really hard to do things like sleep, when your head hurts so much.

pain and life

Today has a good day.  In fact, this past couple of days have been good.  Tomorrow I go to the arthritis doctor.  I missed the doctor appointment in August because I was in the hospital so this is the make up. She should be very happy with the weight loss or I am hoping she is.  I have to speak with her about the gabapentin medicine.  I think it is helping.  I never realized, although I should have, that some of the pain was nerve pain.  My neck, shoulders, and back feel much better since the starting of taking that medicine.  It has been about a month of taking it now so I can safely say that it has helped.  I also do this one neck exercise that Calli has shown me.  I hope that helps too.

My daily headache has been just the regular amount of pain these last couple of days, which is good.  I hope it stays that way.  I haven't had the really bad headache since the hospital last month.  It was an unusually bad headache.  I have only had 2 that bad, one in 2008 and last month.  I tried to explain to the nurse how unusual the headache was.  The doctor got it but one of the nurses really didn't but that was okay because once I moved to a regular room, I didn't see her again.  After the IMITRIX, she said that that had to help and well, it didn't.  Not one bit.  She was very disappointed and surprised.  The headache was that bad.  I tried to explain that to her.  Perhaps, if I had gone to the ER on Sunday, like I had thought to, it would have helped, but I didn't until Monday and I paid for it with more pain.  Next time, I will go with the first instinct and not the second.  It definitely didn't pay to not go with my first instinct.  However, I am back to normal now and that is what is important.

School has started again so we hear the noises of the kids doing their homework and practicing.  It is a nice sound or the practicing sound is.  The piano is being played, a sound I love to hear.  Of course, the fascination with the metronome is in between the piano songs and that is NOT a sound I like to hear unless, of course, it is with the piano sound.  I don't have another lesson for 2 hours so I don't need the piano until then.  My 4:30 lesson had to cancel.

Lessons are going well.  I have room for 5 more students, whether or not I will get them, I do not know, but I have room and would like to have that many more.  We are gearing up for the busy fall.  Sammy is thinking about competition and Christmas as well as Acer.  Jessie wants to compete this year too.  I think Memphis also wishes too.  I only have about 4 or 5 who do and that is okay.  A small amount is good for me.  Anything bigger and my anxiety rises.  That would be bad.  It would also raise my pain levels, which would also be bad.  So, a small amount of students is good.

I can't believe that September is almost over and that October is almost here.  How fast time goes.  Next week at this time will be the 1st.  Then Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas!

the wiped out day

I was so wiped out today.  I didn't wake up until 2:45 pm.  Yes, that is 2:45 pm.  Even for the non-morning person like me, this is late.  I just couldn't get out of bed.  I was supposed to go to Heather BT's mom's house to make drop biscuits but I was so tired I couldn't get out of bed.  Her mom was very understanding.  I am going Monday instead.  She is teaching me how to make a lot of things.  It is fun.  My goal is to make a nice dinner for the house one day.  It should happen soon.

It has been a good week for lessons despite the 3 absences.  My students are doing well so that is good.

My headaches have been the usual, nothing new.  I haven't had the really bad one that sent me to the hospital for 6 days, which is good, but the regular one is there.  I have had a bad one a couple of days in a row but today is just the regular one.

Things have been rather busy for me.  I have been busy with students, the kids, reading, and reading.  I have been reading a lot more since I was told at the hospital to work on relaxing and calming down more so more reading for me.  I have started re-reading one of my favorite author.  It is totally chick lit but it isn't hard reading or reading that you really have to think about so that is why I picked that author.  i have about 33 of her books so it will keep me busy for a while.

I Am Finally Home Again

2 weeks ago, I was in the hospital again.  This time it was for a wicked headache.  I was in the hospital for 6 days this time.  It took about 3 days in bed to start the recovery when I got home and then resting in between lessons for the rest of the week.  I am finally feeling better.  I am not totally feeling completely 100% yet, but closer than I was last week.  I figure by the end of this week I should be back to normal.

I have spent the last 2 days resting and playing with Peony.  Heather BT also has changed the music room around and it looks really nice.  It is ready for the school year.  I am also almost ready for the school year.  It is time to get Christmas music, Competition music, and fall music out.  Time to get organized for the school year.

I am exhausted now, since it is nighttime.  I can't really think right now because this room is too loud.  I am going to read in the other room.  It is too loud in here.  Just way too loud in here.  We have 6 kids in the living room so I am going to read in the dining room.  My headache is getting worse because it is so loud in here.

A Day in the Life

A day in the life of... hmmm... me?  I don't know.  It sounded neat so that is the title for this post.  Not much is really happening tonight.  I had 3 lessons and both Calli and Tasha practiced piano so there was music all over the house.  Now, I am at my desk in the music room with Peony by my side.  She is such a tired girl today as she took a long walk to get her nails trimmed.  Peony must inspect everything so she goes from side to side instead of walking straight ahead.  It is kind of funny but it is something that has to be worked on.  Her nails are nicely trimmed now so she won't scratch us anymore.  Q's were done too.  Heather BT took Peony on a bike ride in the new basket she has for her but she jumped out and ended up hanging on by her harness.  Heather BT stopped the bike right away so Peony could get back into the bike basket.  Basically, it did not turn out as planned so on to plan B for them.

I haven't ridden a bike in so long.  I don't even think at this point I really remember how to balance myself.  I don't have a bike either so it isn't like I could try.  I used to like riding my bike everywhere, even when I could drive.  When I worked at Arby's, I would often ride my bike to work.  I really enjoyed it a lot.  Then I got in an accident and that really ended the bike riding for me.  Also, I started going straight to dance from work and couldn't ride my bike there anymore either.  I began to spend a lot more time at the dance studio.  I think at one point I was there 6 days a week for about 7 years.  Sunday was the only day I wasn't and that was the day I did my homework as I was in college at that point.

I am pretty achy in the hands today.  I am not sure exactly why but I am.  I am also really tired but that I do know why.  I was out late last night and I had an early appointment this morning for an ultrasound and blood test.  That is why I am so tired.  I did take a nap when I came home but interrupted sleep isn't always good sleep.  I was pretty awake most of the day, I am just now getting tired.  I think Peony has the right idea, sleeping.  The ultrasound was for the lump on the right calf.  It is about the size of 3/4 of a golf ball.  It doesn't really hurt or anything, it is just annoying that it is there and my legs are lumpy enough so to add that makes them even lumpier.  I don't expect it to be anything but it is best to have it checked just in case especially with my history of lumps and masses.  In September, I have to have the old right kidney checked out again to make sure it is still not cancer.  I have to have a CT scan and drink that iodine water and possible another biopsy since there are clear cells present.  Clear cells can be cancer.  At this point, mine are not, but Dr. G (the kidney one) said most likely I would have to have another biopsy to double check that they have not grown into cancer cells.  I am okay with the checking of that.  I know that it is rare for women to get kidney cancer but that doesn't mean they don't get it, they just don't get it as much as men do.

It is so peaceful here tonight.  Peony and I are the only ones home right now.  I am enjoying the peace although I do enjoy when everyone is home.  I think I am going to take advantage of the peace and quiet and go and read for a bit before heading for bed.  I foresee going to bed a bit early since I am so tired today.

I think of all the symptoms that comes with fibro, besides pain, maybe even more than pain, it is the fatigue that gets me the most.  I am so tired all the time.  I feel like I am always going against the wind.  I always feel like I need a nap even when I just wake up.  I constantly yawn.  I am never totally with it. I am never fully or wide awake, never.  I could sleep wonderfully and still need more.  I feel like I don't sleep at all most nights.  I wake up so often that sometimes I wonder why I try to sleep at all.  This constant battle with fatigue is so awful.  The pain is bad enough, I can ignore it at times, even the everyday headache, but it is so hard to ignore how tired I am.  Some days, I feel like I am walking through mud just going from my room to the bathroom.  It just shouldn't be like this.  It really shouldn't.  Nothing that should help me sleep works either.  I have tried all the sleep medications and either they did nothing or I got nightmares from them.  I do take Tylenol PM now, which helps some for the first part of the night.  I am grateful for that, but medicine that says it may make me drowsy, I laugh because they don't or rarely do.  I would love a medicine that actually put me to sleep and stayed asleep for 8 hours with waking up refreshed.  I haven't had that in so long I forgot what that is like.  Still, I know it could be worse.  I could not sleep at all and that would be worse.

Well, off to read.

Anxiety and the day off

Yesterday was not a calm day for some reason.  I do not know why, but my anxiety was through the roof.  I was so anxious and I had no reason for it.  I had 2 lessons that went well.  Tasha was here to help with my room and boy do my drawers look wonderful.  The pile of clothes that was next to the chest of drawers is gone and overall the room looks better.  Everyone was home except for Little Man who is at camp and will be home by Sunday.  So, you see, there was no real reason for high anxiety.  It just happens that way.  I don't get it but such is the life with high anxiety.  Today is a bit better, which is good.

I have had a bad headache for the last couple of days so that could explain the higher anxiety, I suppose.  I don't know.  I don't keep track of these things anymore because when I did, there were no real patterns emerging so I stopped keeping track.  I suppose I should start again just in case there is a pattern now but I don't think about it.

Calli had her first piano lesson in a few years.  She is actually quite good.  With the brain damage she has, she did brilliantly.  Calli is playing the symphony no 5 from Beethoven.  I didn't even know I had that song so it is cool that I do have it.  We aren't sure if this is where she should be, but we will know in a few weeks or so.

Peony is learning to "stay".  She just did it for Heather BT.  I am so proud of the little fuzzy doggie.  She is such a smart little girl.  We are going out in a few minutes to pick up my medicine.  I am impressed that all of them are ready as one of them had no refills and had to be approved by the doctor. Well, it must have been right away!  So great for me!  I am so pleased with her overall.  I just love that dog so much!  Calli asked today who I thought was cuter, Peony or Maisy.  I couldn't answer because both are so beautiful in their own way.  I thought Maisy was beautiful and I think Peony is really cute so it is a tough question to answer.  I know that Calli likes Peony better because she doesn't poop where Calli can step in it and she is friendlier to Q (Calli's guide dog) than Maisy was.  Peony loves Q whereas Maisy didn't.  I love how Peony loves Q.  It is so fun to watch them together.  It really is.  they play so nicely together.

I took Peony with me to pick up my prescriptions.  She loves car rides so I take her with me a lot.  Now that everyone is home, she doesn't get to go as often, but that is okay.  Peony still gets to go and that is all that matters.

Outside of Calli, I didn't have any other students today.  Sam was ill and Allison was unavailable.  Peony and I hung out while the others were out.  It was cool.  Peony was very biting today.  I am not sure why.  Sometimes, she gets like that.  She is learning not to bite but boy is it a long process for her.

Tomorrow night I have tea with my friend, Star!!!  I can't wait to see her!  It has been 6 weeks since I have physically seen her.  I have not seen her since Calli became ill and I had other duties to take care of and she was working on her show but tomorrow, we will have tea together!  It will be fun!

Well, I am rather achy tonight, especially since I forgot to take my Advil last night.  It was not a good move on my part. Whoops!  I won't do that again.  I took some earlier but I still ache a lot from last night.  I find if I don't stay on top of the pain, it takes several days to get back on top of it so I am in for a few days of extra achiness.

Off to read more in my book, "Bunheads".  I was a dancer when I was younger so I find this book very interesting.  It is about a ballet dancer in a company in New York and her struggle to get to the top and find love.  I loved ballet although I was into musical theatre.  I do not have the build for ballet, I really don't plus you can't sing in ballet and that was bad since I love to sing.  I was definitely a Broadway girl!

Saturday - a day of children!

I had 5 children spending the night last night.  My friend's 4 children that I was watching and a neighbor friend of the youngest girl, so I had 5.  It wasn't too bad.  They are good kids over all.  I was just awake every hour for some reason.  I don't know why except I was.  I had a lot of pain for some reason.  Who knows?  Anyways, yesterday the 4 children and I had some fun.  We went to Erma's for some frozen custard and then Chipotle's for dinner.  We had Tim Horton's for breakfast today.  All in all, it has been a good couple of days.  They go home tonight.

I miss Peony, she is on vacation with the rest of the family.  I miss my dog!  I miss them too, but I miss the dog.  She is such a good little companion.  I love her so much.  I will confess that it was nice not to have to get up early to take her out  but I would rather have to get up and take her out than not have her here.  She is having a good time with the family from what the videos show.  Peony barked at Lake Michigan when the water would come in.  I had to laugh.  Our poor little dog didn't know what to do with the water so she barked.  Apparently, she is not going to be a water dog.  Peony also did get out twice but Q brought her back into the cabin so she didn't get lost.  Thank goodness she loves Q and wants to be with him all the time.  It is so beautiful to see them play together.  It really is.

Calli is home now and now comes the hard work for her.  She has lots of therapies ahead of her.  I know she will do great though because she is a strong girl and a strong spirit.  We try to give her a strong support system too.  Acer is at camp and will be home soon.  I sure hope he is having a grand old time.  I am sure he is.

I have a medium bad headache today and I am so achy as well as being tired.  I am more tired than usual, I think because I was up every hour last night.  I want to go and see my friend in her show but I am afraid I won't be able to make it because of my headache.  It hurts to even brush my hair.  I tried to take a nap but I couldn't really sleep at that point.  I am going to read in a while.

I got my new contacts this week.  I also finally got my eyes dilated.  I now see an eye specialist because I have macular degeneration in both eyes.  Yes, I am in my mid 40s and I have a 60 year old and up eye disease.  Anyways, I now can read street signs and things such as that.  I still don't like to drive too much at night.  I really don't drive very much at night and usually it is to someplace I already know not a new place.  For reading though, I actually have to wear reading glasses.  Yes, over my contacts I have to wear reading glasses.  yuck.  It is better than not being able to see but still.  I am not sure if the ones I have are the right prescription though.  I will have to check on that.  I think they are but I am not sure.  I have to get new glasses too, bifocals.  Those I will get next month.  I have to order new contacts first because they are 2 week throw aways.

It is quiet now with 2 of the older children with their dad and the 2 smaller children playing with the neighbor children.  I don't mind.  There is some picking up that needs to be done, but other than that, everything is ready for them to head for home.  Their mom is on her way.  She is such a nice woman.  We get along really well.  About once or so a month I watch her children overnight so she can go and visit some friends who live farther away.  I don't mind.  They are good kids.  This month, they came here because I said they could spend the night but it didn't happen before Calli came home so with the family on vacation, it was perfect for them to come and have a special day and night here.  Next month will be at their house without treats.  This was something special.  I can hear the 2 younger ones playing in the front yard with the neighbor kids.  It will be awfully quiet when they go home but I will be able to get a good nap in that I need very much.  Everyone comes home tomorrow, thankfully!  I can't wait to hug everyone and Peony!  I never realized how much company she was until Thursday when she was gone a full day.  She really is good company.  I love playing with her.  She is 9 months now.  We think she has gone about an inch.  She still is about 10 pounds though.  I am very careful with what I feed her because people food doesn't go good with her at all.  Peony has a very sensitive stomach.  If you give her people food, she will throw it up later, I can guarantee it.  Tuesday, she got into the chocolate chip cookies that Heather BT left on her bed and Wednesday she threw it all up.  It always is the next day she throws up too, rarely on that day.  I can't believe I can calmly clean it up too because that used to gross me out like nothing!  But I just calmly get some towels and the carpet cleaner and clean it up.  Then I take her and rub her tummy and pet her so she feels okay.  Usually, Peony is very tired after that.  I miss that little doggie.

Well, I am going to read for a bit.  I don't know what book I want to read, but I will pick something.  The new Danielle Steel book doesn't come out until July 22.  I like hers mostly.  They are good, fun chick lit.  Some are better than others but overall they are decent.  It isn't hard reading or reading that requires a lot of thinking and sometimes that is exactly what I need like right now for example.  So off to reading.  (Yes, with the reading glasses on)

An Amazing Day

Today is the day we have been waiting for.  Calli came home.  Yes, she sure did!  With style too, in a beautiful dress.  I am so thankful that she is home.

I also have much anxiety today too.  I wanted everything to be just so for her.  The kids were here to help and they did a bit but Tasha did the most.  The other three really just hung out and played while Tasha and I did some work.  They irritated each other and then because my anxiety is so high today, I actually yelled at them.  Something I have never really done but I did.  I told their mom and she said they deserved it and she was fine with that.  I am glad about that.  My anxiety is going down now but my heart is still racing a bit, which will take longer to calm down.

It is supposed to get colder this week.  They said really cold for summer but so far it really is just fine.  I hope it stays that way.  We had such a cold winter that I am just enjoying the warmth of summer.  Many days it is beautiful and not too hot.  I love sitting outside with Peony and watching her play in the grass.  She has been such a major blessing.  I had thought I wanted a dog just like Maisy, another Brussels Griffon, but now I am glad she is different and doesn't look anything like Maisy.  Maisy will always have a place in my heart but Peony is her own dog and I love it.  She is such a good dog too.  Peony is learning new things all the time.  She follows me a lot.  Today, she is learning to stay off of the blue ottoman that is right next to me.  Yup, she needs to not go on it but she loves to go on it.  The next thing is going to be our beds.  She still goes on mine no matter what I say.  I figure in a few weeks of all of us being home and working with her, she won't do that anymore.  I love her so much.

My headache is worse than normal today.  I think the raised anxiety has made it higher than usual.  It happens and I get through it so I will this one too.

Here is a picture of the Peony girl.  I am not sure if I posted one yet.

P.S.  the stuff that is in behind here is no longer there!  Tasha helped me put it away so that I can get to all of my music in the filing cabinets.  This is Peony on about the 2nd day we got her.

Bruising Like Crazy!!!!

For some reason, I am bruising like crazy.  Sometimes, I bruise for no reason.  Now, I do take coumiden but I have been for 8 1/2 years and I have never bruised like this before, never.  I have had my levels checked once last week, 2 times this week.  All 3 times say the same.  I am in therapeutic range and okay.  So, why am I bruising?  On to more testing.  I saw my family doctor this week and he is checking some stuff that he will send over to my hematologist.  I also so the hematologist.  I have a lump on my right calf that I will have an ultrasound next week for it.  He thinks it is either fatty tissue or a cyst, both of which is no big deal so that is good.  The bruising, however, he is majorly concerned with.  I have to keep an eye on my back, chest, and stomach because if I am bruising there, it is a big problem.  So far, I don't think so.  I don't know about my back as I don't look but I have a mirror so I will check tonight.  Both doctors have taken blood to see what the blood counts and things say.  I should have all results by the beginning of next month.  It may mean nothing, but it is best to check it out.

I have a happy Acer today.  Yesterday, we went to the store for his first reward of being polite and good sportsmanship.  He has been working very hard on this for about 2 weeks now.  I have been on him constantly and I mean constantly.  His first reaction to most thing is no or rudeness.  He doesn't really mean to be rude, but it comes out that way a lot.  He is a nice young man and is sweet and generous and very loving.  I just decided after hearing him and his friends that I was not putting up with all of their rudeness this summer and their poor sportsmanships so I started working on it with Acer.  His friends are also working on it, the older two (15 and 12) are helping the littler ones and Acer so that is a big help to me.  It is also much more pleasant to be around them all when they are like that.  The funny thing is, is that Angus (the 15 year old) had put in his Amazon.com cart the exact same bowling set for Acer that I bought yesterday!!!!  Isn't that a hoot?  I thought so.  Acer has been playing bowling ever since we came home with the set.  He loves it and I am glad that he does.  I like a happy boy.  Overall, he IS a happy boy.  It is just sometimes hard to see underneath the grumpy boy he can also be.

My head has been aching so much more lately.  I am not sure if it is the changes in the weather or what but oh my, it is insane.  I actually had to tell Acer's friends that they couldn't come over yesterday.  I just didn't feel well enough to have them over.  I know that they understood, but still, I don't like having to say no you can't come over.  My hips and lower back have been more achy too especially the hips.  The weather has been hot and cold then hot and cold again.  I know that has a bit to do with it but I also think the stress and anxiety of worrying about Calli has a lot to do with it too.  She is getting better!  Somewhere between 3 days and 2 weeks she will be coming home.  I can't wait.  I really can't.  I want to hug her and be able to talk to her even if she can't talk back that is okay.

I am learning how to cook this summer.  Acer has decided that I need to learn how to cook.  He wants me to make Taco Soup first so tomorrow, he and I will be heading to the store to get the ingredients we need.  He will be so surprised.  I hope it tastes good.  I hope I feel well enough to make it.  It seems rather easy.  Brown the meat and onions, use taco seasoning (we have that here at home), put in ranch seasoning, add tomatoes, and use cheese.  There may be a few other things but this is what I have by memory.  I don't have the recipe right in front of me.  I got it from cooks.com.  Acer also wants me to make Apple Pie.  He is going to camp soon for a little bit so he will be having fun there.  He loves camp and I am glad that he does.  His camps sound so cool, like camps I would have love to have gone to as a child.  I did like the camps that I went to when I was a girl scout and as a teen but his sound just as fun.

I have now lost 46 pounds!!!  I am so happy about this.  I just wish it was faster!!!  I know, if it is slow, it is better, I am just impatient right now but hey, that is just me, right?  I am glad my weight is finally going in the down position instead of up, up, up, and more up.  That was so scary because no matter what I did, it didn't make a difference.  Then Momma died.  Then I stopped caring.  Then I stopped eating properly.  Then I gained more weight.  Then came the amitryptiline or however you spell it.  I gained the last of the 25 pounds from that.  Overall, I gained 80 pounds from Lyrica and 25 from Amitryptiline not to mention the weight I gained all by myself without the help of medicine.  I now will no longer take any medicine that has a side effect of weight gain no matter how good it works.  I refuse to take it.  I flat out refuse.  I just won't take the stuff.  I can't afford to gain anymore weight, not when I have about 100 more pounds to lose.

Well, Mr. Impatient, otherwise known as Acer, is waiting for me to play bowling with him so I am going to end this now.

Lonely Days?

Since Calli has been in the hospital, I have not been alone so no, I have not been lonely.  I am rarely lonely in general, just usually if I am lonely, I am lonely for a specific person or fur friend.  Today, I am  missing Maisy a lot.  However, I have Peony and that helps a lot, but I still am missing Maisy.  She is such a stinkerbutt.  She really is.

Tasha is spending the night again tonight.  She gets along very well with Acer, which is a good thing because sometimes he can be a handful, a major handful.  He was last night, but he was mostly fine today.  Tomorrow, Hayden wants to spend the night with Angus.  I said we will see what your mom says tomorrow.  I am sure that won't be a problem.  I will get to take a long nap tomorrow since my lovely Tasha is spending the night.  I am very thankful.  I have to get up at 9 to let Peony out and feed her.  Then I will be picking up Acer's grandmother to come over to help with laundry.  Tasha is going to watch Acer while I go back to sleep after I get back from picking up Pat.

I am very, very achy tonight.  I don't really know why, but boy are my legs and hips just in major pain today.  It stinks.  I have bruises that are popping up all over.  Some I know how I got but many I don't know.  They just are showing up.  I told my endo doctor and he was like, well you are on coumiden.  No kidding.  I have been for 8 1/2 years, however, I have never bruised like this before with the coumiden levels okay so yeah, can we look into this please?  I have an appointment with my hematologist for next week so that is good.  I will have them look into this.

On the Calli front!  She is walking!!!!!!!  Yes, I wrote, she is walking!!!!  She walked her guide dog, Q to do doggie business.  She needed 3 breaks on the way out and none on the way in.  It is truly a miracle.  It really is.  Calli is doing so well right now.  I am so thrilled.  Yesterday, the first day she walked, she needed help.  Today, I am not sure if she needed help or not.  I saw the picture of her sitting down with Q.  I am so proud of her fighting spirit.  Calli is such a fighter and will not let this beat her.  Yes, there will be ups and downs, but that is to be expected but overall, she fights and is winning!

I am very tired tonight.  I am glad for the company.  Tasha is such a delightful young lady.

She is getting better

Calli is slowly recovering from her brain hemorrhage and her stroke.  She is a fighter and a very strong young lady.  I have learned much from this, some of the lessons are old lessons that I should have learned long ago.  Time is precious and the people around you are too.

These last two weeks, the Ellers, as we call our friend, Elle's children, have been here pretty much everyday.  I don't mind.  It makes the day better.  Acer is back from camp so we have been doing stuff. He has discovered a new drum online game called virtual drumming.  He really like this game.  This morning when I got up, I fed the dog, got Acer breakfast, let the dog out, and set the game up for Acer, and then went back to sleep.  I slept until 1 pm when Acer came in and said it was time to wake up and he was right.  Thankfully, he woke me or I could have slept all day.  I am that tired right now.

Anxiety is a bit high today for some reason.  Not racing heart or anxiety attack high, just higher than it has been for the last few weeks.  I got a really nice picture of Calli from Heather BT today.  She was giving her mom a smirky look.  I loved it.  Calli has such a beautiful smirky smile that I simply love.  Of course, I love all her smiles.  She has such beautiful ones.

I am not feeling too well today.  It is just the way the day is.  I may need to go and lie back down for a bit until their mom comes to get us.  I think that sounds like a good plan.  I have a lovely bad headache today too so it is definitely nap time.

Heart Aches

The extra stillness and quietness in the house is so hard to get used to.  It makes my heart ache.  I ache for Calli, who is still in PICU at the hospital.  She has been heavily sedated so she won't pull things out that need to stay in.  The Little Man, Acer, comes home from camp tonight.  He has been at music camp this week.  For the past two weeks, since Calli became ill, he has been at camp.  He has seen his sister, the night he came home from one camp and was leaving the next day for another camp.  Otherwise, I have been here mostly with just Peony, the newest addition to the family.  A Yorkie terrier mix dog.  She is about a year old and is quite cute and still learning quite a bit.  We are currently working on sitting, coming when called, and doing doggie business outside.  That is the biggie, doggie business outside. So far today, she has done most of her business outside.  I want her trained by the time Calli comes home although that may not be possible.  I just don't know.  I am new to this and she is stubborn.  She has an area in the front room that she has marked as "hers" and well, she has pooped there a few times already.  At least I know where to look.  She also has been throwing up after eating grass several times.  I think it is also tension as I think she senses something is wrong in the house because Calli is ill.  I think dogs know this.  It is just hard to say.

Calli had to have another angiogram again today.  We weren't expecting this so I was surprised.  She has had one but with her brain bleed, we have to be sure that she will be okay.  They took out her chest tube and took her off the ventilator today.  Her first coherent words were "I have to go to the bathroom".  I can't wait for her to be home.  I know everyone else feels the same.  I know she may have a hard road ahead of her.  We will all be there to help and do what we can.  Tomorrow my part starts by helping with the little man.

I have ached more because of the worry with Calli.  My head hurts so much more than usual because of the worry of Calli.  Thankfully, I have Peony to occupy my mind with because I could be in much wore shape.  Peony has been very helpful.  I miss Maisy a lot but I am thankful for Peony.  I still ache for Maisy.  It doesn't mean I don't love Peony, because how could I not?  She is such a lovable dog, but I so ache for Maisy.  I have finally stopped most of the what ifs and what could I have done differently and maybe Maisy would have lived, but I don't think I will ever stop aching for her.

Shoulder Pain

Oh my, I think Peony (the new little doggie) has pulled my left shoulder too hard.  It really hurts.  When she goes outside to play, I have to put her on a leash because otherwise, she would runaway since we don't have a fenced in yard right now.  Our backyard is weird so we are not sure how to do a fenced in yard.  Well, she is a very strong dog.  Very, very strong dog.  Super duper strong comes to mind.  So for the last few days, we have spent lots of time outside and she has been jumping here, jumping there, on a leash.  She will go as far as she can, then she will go the other way as far as she can.  It has been fun, but tonight, I have noticed my left shoulder is really sore.  I am hoping it is better tomorrow.

I am also so tired.  The week of poor sleep has definitely caught up with me and with her.  She is sleeping next to me.  I think it is time to crate her and for both of us to go to bed.

Please continue to pray for Calli.  She is making slow progress, but she is still a very very very sick girl.

The Worst Week

This week is close to being the worse week of my life besides the weeks when my Momma died and before and after that.  My housemates', Bill and Heather BT, lovely, beautiful, vibrant daughter, Calli, age 14, suffered an inter cranial hemorrhage on the left side.  This happened on Monday when Bill, Calli, and I were leaving our dear friend, Elle's home from dinner.  Heather BT was taking Acer to camp and we expected her later that evening.  As we were going to leave, Calli said she felt very dizzy and had a bad headache all of a sudden.  Then, she started to cry.  At that point, she started to throw up.  It was awful.  There came a point when it was clear there was something seriously wrong so her parents took her to the ER.  The local hospital immediately helicoptered her to their main hospital for further treatment.  She is now in pediatric ICU.  Calli is heavily sedated as she moves too much when she is not and that is dangerous for her condition.  We expect some physical, mental, and emotional challenges when she recovers.  We are praying for a recovery with minimal damage to the brain.  The place where the bleed is located is right at motor skills.  There are people all over the world praying for Calli.  We need continuous prayers.  So far, she is improving but we still need prayers because she isn't out of the woods yet.  They put in a feeding tube in her today.  I have seen her and oh my, I am glad I did.  I miss her.  I am trying to do whatever her parents need here at home.  I am staying with the new little dog that arrived on Sunday.  It is a challenge but she has kept my anxiety under control so far.  I am very worried about her.  Between the grief of losing Maisy and the worry about Calli, I am surprised that my anxiety is under control as well as it is.  I have been working on breathing and living in the now, instead of the what ifs, because really, there aren't any for this.  Bill and Heather BT acted right away with this as soon as it became apparent that something was seriously wrong.  I mean, there was no hesitation.

My pain levels are higher and I am trying to stay on top of them.  I know it is because of the anxiety and the worry but since I can't stop worrying nor all my anxiety, I just do the best I can to stay on top of it.  It is the best I can do at this point.  My headache is also a bit higher but not as high as it can get so that is good.

Well, going to eat some dinner.  Please, if you can, pray for Calli.  She is an amazing young lady.  She really is.

The pain of grief - literally

We have a new family member.  Her name is Peony.  She is a mix of something but we don't know what.  We don't know what her parentage is, but that is okay.  I have mixed feelings in a way about this.  I do much better with a dog.  I need to lower my anxiety and petting and hugging her will completely help but I also grieve for Maisy.  This lovely, little, 10 pound dog needed a home and we needed her so basically, we are a good fit that way.  She has explored the house and seems to like us.  She is a furniture jumper so we will work on that.  She seems to like Heather BT and I a lot.  Tomorrow will be my first day with her by myself.  I am looking forward to it.  She is a good girl so far.  Q seems to be getting along well with her too.  Peony is learning to come when called.  She gets a treat when she does.  Eventually, she won't need this but right now she does.  I don't think I will ever get over Maisy, as she was my first love, but I think I have enough room in my aching heart for this lovely, little dog named Peony.

Painwise - grief has taken a toll on my body.  My headaches have been torturous this week.  Simply torturous.  My body aches, my head aches, I don't think there is much on me that doesn't ache.  It is so unfair.  My heart aches for Maisy and my body physically aches for Maisy.  It has been a week since our little furbaby left us and went to Heaven.  I miss her so much.

I hope someday I won't hurt so much, but I never will forget that beautiful, sweet, little Maisy girl, NEVER.  I will love her forever.

Missing Maisy

It has been 4 long days since the little lady died.  My anxiety is through the roof to say the least.  She was so good at keeping my anxiety down and now it is so up.  My mind plays tricks on me with the could of, should of, and would ofs.  What ifs, what if I didn't bring her, would she have thrown up at home?  What if she threw up on the ground and not the car seat?  Things like this.  This is what my anxiety does to me.  It was very very very bad last night but better today.  I am able to think more clearly today than I was last night.  I find the house too quiet without her snorting around even with children in the house.

I was smiling earlier remembering her ninja moves.  We called her a ninja dog because she would "ninja" food from the table so quietly, you wouldn't even know she was there.  One time, she ate my fish sticks and potatoes but left the carrots while I was teaching.  Yeah.  I came to the table to eat my dinner and it was gone.  She was sitting on the floor, wagging her tail, looking super cute and innocent.  Well, that innocent girl wasn't so innocent.  Maisy left a telltale sign, a hair on my plate.  Apparently, Acer had left his chair out and that was how she got on the table.  What a little stinker she was.  I would say though, she gave us much love and so many stories about her, just so many.

We are looking at getting a new pet.  It won't replace Maisy as no one can but we think it will be better for us.  Maisy is my first love of a dog so how could I ever forget my first love?  I think the way to honor her, is to get a new pet, another one who needs love too.  Maisy was so loved and she gave such love.  I uploaded a bunch of photos that I took of her last month on my facebook page.  Last night, when my anxiety was so high, I was looking at the pictures on my phone.  It helped a bit, but oh my, I just ache for her.  I physically ache for her just like I did when I lost Momma.  I never knew it would hurt this much but when you love so much, I guess that is the price you pay when they go to Heaven.  I would not have missed this for the world though.  Maisy taught me so much about love and life that I will never regret loving her as much as I did.  Never.  This pain is worth the price of loving her so much.  I wish everyone could have known Maisy like I did.  She was so wonderful, yes, there were times when she was frustrating, I mean, she was a dog after all, but overall, she filled me with joy and happiness.  She really helped me get out of the depression I was in after Momma died.  Between her and my housemates, that is what brought me back to life.  I so wanted to die.  I wanted to be with Momma.  I didn't want to live.  I just didn't.

I hope my anxiety calms down this evening and lets me sleep.  It hasn't let me sleep too much, add that to the missing of Maisy and you have an overly exhausted Heather.  I did sleep a bit last night after I came back down and was talking to a friend online.  I am seeing my friend, Star tonight so I hope that will help me sleep tonight.  Maisy never really slept in my bed unless the other Heather wasn't home so I don't miss her sleeping next to me, I just miss her all over.  With the new one, we are going to not let him sleep on our beds or climb on the furniture.  Of course, we did say that about Maisy and I must confess that it didn't last very long so yeah, we shall see.  Acer and Heather BT went to see a little guy on Tuesday and we find out tomorrow if we get him.  They were the only ones of the applications that went to physically see him but there are other applications for him.  If we don't, we will find someone.  I am trying not to get my hopes up.  It is hard, but I am trying.  I don't think I can handle a major disappointment on top of my grief for Maisy.

As for the fibro pain?  I totally forgot how grief can make you ache more!  Same with the everyday headache!  I am physically and mentally a mess right now, but I will get through because I know I will. I have to.  I will always love Maisy and she will always be first in my heart.  I told her everyday how much I loved her.  I know I have room in my heart to love another because of her.  It is all because of her.

An Award!!!!

I was listed as one of the top blogs for fibro this year!!!!!  thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!



Heather

My Broken Heart

Maisy died yesterday.  The faithful, beautiful, wonderful, goofy, frustrating at times, little dog.  She was such a good companion.  We had driven to visit my brother, Andrew.  I was so excited that he was finally going to meet Maisy face to face.  Little did I know what was to happen.  She started throwing up and throwing up.  She threw up in the driver's seat, the passenger's seat, and the rear driver's seat before she because lifeless.  We cleaned her up and the car and quickly headed home.  I was holding her.  We stopped at a service center on the 401 and laid her on the grass.  A nice couple came around and asked if they could help.  They went into the service center and found a vet.  He came out and tried to save Maisy, but it was too late.  She was gone.  I am trying to hold it together.  I am doing okay most times.  I have a few lessons tonight so that will be good and then I have to clean out my car as it is a mess and we had to sit on garbage bags last night on the way home.  I don't have much else to say except my heart was buried last night with Maisy.  I loved that little dog so much.  I am so thankful to my housemate Heather BT for sharing her with me.  I learned what it was like to love a dog and have a dog love me back.  I am so glad I was the crazy one who took so many pictures of her.  I have so many.  I am going to share some at the end of this post.  I will miss my sweetheart who would ride in the car with me.  Since I now know all about her and her love, I will pass it on.

I miss you Maisy.  I will love you forever and someday we will be together again.

Day 2 of doctors

I had the eye specialist yesterday.  I need new contacts and glasses.  No, this was not a surprise.  I knew I needed them.  Street signs are getting harder to read.  What I did forget is that I needed a driver because he wanted to dialate my eyes and I drove myself.  Yup, what was I thinking?  I wasn't.  Anyways, he said it wasn't any big deal, he will just do it when my contacts come in so I will need a driver that day.

Today, was the ear doctor to check on my hearing aids.  She adjusted a few things and now some levels have been turned up so I am good to go.  I am glad I got them, although I was skeptical when I first got them.  I wasn't sure they helped until the week they had to be sent to the factory for fixing.  Then I couldn't hear so I knew it was a good thing to have them.  I don't have to go back until November now.  I am glad.  That will be a year for me having these.

Tomorrow is a new doctor, the endocrinologist.  I have never seen this doctor so everything is new to me at this practice.  Because of the prolactinemia, I have to see him.  I couldn't really even tell you which one I am seeing.  I have it written down though so that is good.  I am not sure what all will happen, like will I have more blood tests tomorrow or not, but I will find out, that is for sure.

Lessons are on the low side and have been since Christmas.  I lost a few students at Christmas because of moving and such and they never got replaced so I am really on the low side.  I can only teach so much as it is.  With the amount of cancellations I have had since January, wow, it is no wonder I am not stretching my dollars as well as I was.  I have looked at my schedule and with some recent changes, I have some openings again.  I have opened up some spots on the takelessons.com page so I am hoping they get filled soon.  I need a certain amount to be able to pay the utility bills and the taxes as well as the doctor bills, which haven't been paid since March.  It is not good, but I know it will get better.  It always works out in the end.  I am just thankful for what I have.  My needs are met and my wants are few.  I am happy with what I have.  If I want something else, I save for it.  Like right now, I am going to be starting to save for a couple day trip to Kalamazoo to see Kathy.  That is on my list of things I want to do.  I like going to see her in the summer, because really, I only see her about 3 to 4 times a year at the major holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Easter, and once during the summer.  I am hoping she will be able to take a weekend and come to visit us, but if she can't, that is okay too.  With four children and a hubby, plus work inside and outside of the home, she is very busy and I totally understand that.  I like to stay in a hotel that has a pool so the kids can come and swim sometime during the visit.  Otherwise, Kathy and I spend the whole time together.  It is just so much fun to have some Kathy time.  Other than that, I foresee a couple of day trips to see my younger brother, Andrew and maybe some cousins but that is about it.  I hope to see my Aunt Michelle and Uncle John soon too.  I have many Sundays off and that is my rest and visiting day.  I am thinking of going to see Andrew on Sunday.  I am not sure yet.  It is a 2 hour drive there but that is okay.  I don't mind.  He is definitely worth the drive.  I haven't physically seen him since September and that is a long time to go for not seeing my brother.  I do text him quite a bit but that is not the same as seeing him in person but if I have to choose between texting or no contact, I will take texting.  His are short and that is okay.  I know he is doing well and that is what matters.

I am very tired tonight and I foresee myself going to bed rather early.  With having to get up early yesterday and today, it has been extra exhausting plus I have to get up early again tomorrow.  3 days in a row is very tiring for me.  What was I thinking?  I wasn't, I know.  I just wasn't.  I made these plans without consulting my planner but I won't do that again.  I will try to have my planner with me at all doctor appointments in the future.  I can sleep in on Friday and I will definitely need it by then.  I don't want to have a crash happen to me.  Most of the time when a crash happens, I end up in the hospital and I don't want that to happen.  I am working on staying healthier so I don't have to go into the hospital.

My headache is pretty bad right now since I am so exhausted.  I taught a couple more lessons than usual because of make ups too but that didn't increase my headache, the exhaustion did.  I have to be so careful about things like because my headaches can get so bad.  The rest of the pain is just the regular pain, nothing increased so that is good.

Well, time to head off to bed for a bit of light reading and then lights out!

5-23

I have 3 doctor appointments in a row next week.  What WAS I thinking?  On Tuesday I see the Eye doctor, on Wednesday, the ear doctor, and on Thursday the endocrinologist.  I will be wiped out by Friday.  I must remember to start bringing my planner to doctor appointments so I don't do this again.  I am looking forward to seeing the eye specialist as I have never have seen one and I have macular degeneration in both eyes.  I also don't think they are seeing as well as they should either.  I will wait and see what the doctor has to say.  The ear doctor is just the 6 month check up on my hearing aids.  It shouldn't be a problem at all.  They work fine and I believe they are now turned all the way up.  The endocrinologist is a new doctor for the prolactinemia.  He will let me know whether or not I need a MRI for the tumor on my gland, which causes the prolactinemia.  He will also deal with my thyroid, which doesn't work at all.  All in all, it will be an insane week but I am glad the week is finally here.

There is no school today so all the kids are home.  I do hope Emily is still coming for her lesson.  It is a holiday weekend and I haven't heard otherwise, but still, I worry because it is a holiday weekend.  Last week, Emily had an hour lesson.  She is doing very well.  A little shaky on her concert song, but it will still go well.  I have the program finished.  I never print before Saturday because of changes that can happen at the last minute.  I have really nice paper I am printing the program on.  Since there are only 16 numbers, there is only one act and no need for a fancier program.  Just a simply one pager will do.

Maisy had a bath today.  She really does well when she is getting her bath.  Maisy is very patient and let's Heather BT bathe her.  She looked so cute.  I have two pictures of her that I need to post on face book.  She has curly fur.  I never realized how curly until just now when it was wet.  It looks so cute.  She is just a cute girl to begin with.  So, I learned how to bathe her, in case I need to in the future or for when I have my own little dog.

Megan just finished her lesson.  She is singing, "I Enjoy Being a Girl", for the Spring Concert, which is Sunday.  I know it isn't the best time to have it but in reality, is there ever a weekend that everyone will ever be able to make it?  No.  This was the best for us since April and May were so crazy busy.  I still have the majority of my students attending so that is good.  I am happy about that.

I have noticed in the last few weeks that my diet coke habit is getting bigger.  I find myself drinking more of it.  Well, time to cut that down.  I am also trying to work on only eating when hungry, not just cause the clock says it is time to eat.  This is a toughy for me so it will take some work.  I have continued to lose weight, but I need to make sure it continues in the proper direction, down, not up.

Painwise, it is a normal pain day.  My headache is the same as usual, nothing more than usual.  I am more lightheaded than usual for some reason.  It might be the getting used to the new medicine.  I don't know.  My right leg still continues to plague me at night.  It is going to for a while more, I think.  At least it is only that leg and not both.  That would be bad.  One I can deal with, two is horrifying.

Well, Emily should be here soon.

Sunday, A Day of Rest?

It is a quiet Sunday for me.  I have no lessons, which in itself is not too unusual as I often don't have lessons but we have been busy for the last few Sundays so to be home on a Sunday is unusual, very unusual for me.  I am enjoying the peace and quiet, well as quiet as a house can be with a 9 year old boy and a 14 year old girl in it.

Pain level isn't too high right now including my daily headache.  It is about the average pain level.  My right knee has started with something rather weird but that was this morning and seems to be okay now.   Bodies are so weird with fibro, with how the pain migrates from area to area.  It is such a mystery to me how it does that.  I just try to go with the flow.

Yesterday, we had book club.  I try to keep my life as "normal" as I can with this fibro stuff.  I do tend to sleep more than an average person but that is because I wake up every couple hours so I never get a perfect nights sleep.  It is just the way it goes.  I am not up during the day as long as an average person because of my sleep habits but for me, that is okay.  If you don't like it, too bad.  It is my life, my illness, not yours.  So, as I was saying, I try to do interesting things in addition to teaching.  Now, I don't teach as much as I used to, no where near as much as I used to, but I am thrilled I can still teach.  It is hard to remember what I used to be able to do and what I can do now, but whatever, that is the way it has to be.  I have tried to live within my limits and that is what I am learning to do.  Sometimes, I over do it, yes, but that is the way we all learn, right?  The book this month was the Great Gatsby.  I was bored but I got the point of the book.  Star had written some very thought provoking questions that really got us some good conversation.  I like that.  We aren't the book club that talks about the book for 5 minutes and then talks about every thing else too, nope, we talk about the book.  We did talk about the shallowness of the people in the book and compared it to the shallowness of people today, which was very interesting.  Comparing the 1920s to today was interesting.  I was sad that several people had to miss, but with busy schedules these days, we will never pick a day that everyone is available or if we do, it will be a fluke.  The next book was picked by Star, "Lost Lake", by Sarah Addison Allen.  I have it and have been waiting for book club to read it.  Star has read it and loved it.  It was her choice this month.  I really want everyone to choose a book because that adds more flavor to the books we read.  Now, I have to contact everyone and let them know what book we are reading and when we are meeting.  It should be a good time, it always is.

Summer is coming and I am really hoping it isn't too slow with absences as bills must be paid.  That is the bad side of fibro and the lack of being able to work full time.  Stretching money to pay bills.  I am learning to be thrifty.  It is something that my momma tried to teach me over the years but I didn't quite get.  I get it know and I find that I don't want as much materialistic stuff as I used to.  I don't deny myself much.  If I want something, I save for it, just like if I need it.  Right now, I am saving for a couple day vacation to go and see Kathy.  It is something I want to do and I am saving money for the hotel to stay at to see her.  i think we will get pedicures again this year.  I will save for that too.  Maybe manicures too.  I don't know, we will see.  Maybe we will shop for a couple of outfits or something instead or do something we have never done.  I don't know.  It is a toss up but that is why I am saving the money so I can do something and if we don't?  That is okay because the most important thing is for us to be together.  I enjoy going to visit her and her family.  I try to choose a hotel that has a pool so the kids can come and swim.  I prefer one with a restaurant but those cost more so it is okay that I don't because to choose between the pool and the restaurant, I will choose the pool.  There are several restaurants in the area where she lives we can go to together and we do.  Generally, the kids come and swim a bit and then Kathy and I spend time together.  Last year, we borrowed Matthew's game system to watch Game of Thrones and it was a good time.  Then we went out to dinner and watched more Game of Thrones.  Maybe we will do that again, maybe we won't.  It is hard to say with us.  The important thing is being together and having fun.

So far, our weather has not been spring like.  It has either been in the 50s or high 80s.  It is such an unusual year for us, with the super cold winter and the cold spring.  We are about a month behind in the blooming in our plants and I fear the last rose bush my momma planted is dead.  There is no growth what so ever in it.  I am sad as that was one we were keeping as a memorial to my momma but if it is dead, it is dead and there is nothing I can do about it.  Nothing whatsoever.  It is just the way it is.  Heather BT is very good with flowers and plants so I am leaving the outside to her.  She just looks at a plant and it grows.  I have a plant from Maia and Tilley that I got in the hospital last year that is still alive, thanks to her.  I would have either over or under watered it so it would not have survived.  Thankfully, she is an expert and it is thriving well.  I do hope we don't go straight to the super hot weather as I tend to ache more in the extreme heat and the extreme cold.  Both are bad for me but since I am not in charge, I will just have to deal with what we get, I suppose.

Next Sunday is the spring concert.  I am not ready.  I will be by the time it arrives but right now, I am not.  Star is going to make the program, I just have to collect what everyone is playing or singing.  I have a few students who will not be in it, which I expected since it is a holiday weekend and also, there is never a concert everyone will attend.  I am excited about the concert, just not ready for it, teacher-wise yet.  I am trying to keep my anxiety down on this one too so I don't raise my anxiety or my pain level as concerts tend to do both.  i refuse to give in and not do concerts, but I must prepare for the concert a head of time to keep anxiety down.  Anxiety is so annoying at times.

Well, on to either words with friends or cleaning out my drawers.  I am not sure which.

It isn't Cancer!!!! 5-16

I am so thankful!!!  On Wednesday, I had the mammogram and the breast ultrasound and it is not cancer!  The pain that has been coming and going must be from the lovely prolactinemia.  Such a strange thing.  Also, the lightheadedness and the nausea can be caused by that too, of which, neither has gone away.  I know, I know, it takes time, but still, I am such an impatient person!  I want results now!  I will try to be patient with these things.

I woke up this morning at 5 am and I felt like I could take on the world.  Well, by 6 am, I was back asleep and when I woke up at noon, I was exhausted.  So goes my day.  Nothing new here.  I did read a bit this morning before I went back to sleep because I couldn't sleep.  I didn't really want to go downstairs and go on the computer so I read.

My daily headache is a bit worse than usual today, but definitely not as bad as yesterday when I had to lie down for a while.  It was so bad.  I have given up on break through meds because at this point, they are not helping one little bit.  Not one bit so there is no point in suffering through an awful shot if it isn't going to work, right?  If it gets super bad, I am to call my neuro and she either calls in a prescription or sends me to the ER for the IV form of the meds that finally worked when I was in the ER last fall.  I get so tired of the ER at times.  Fortunately, in 2014, I have not been in one at all!  It is a record so far this year.

I only have 2 students tonight, Acer and Emily.  Acer is finished with his lesson.  He is such a musical young man.  Emily will be here in a bit.  She plays piano.  Tonight she is coming for an hour to make up for missing last week because of traffic and other obstacles in the way.  This will work out well because next week is the spring concert and we need to work on her song a lot so an hour will be just fine for us.  Em is such a sweet girl.

Tomorrow, I am so excited because my Amy is back!  She was out of the country for about 7 months and now she is back!  She would have been back last week but we had the wedding so that was important.  It is also book club tomorrow.  I wonder what everyone thought about the book.  I will tell what I thought after book club, not before.  I do hope that everyone is able to come.  I love book club and we actually do talk about the book, which, I understand, many book clubs don't.  We are just weird that way.

I am really tired now.  It is just crazy how tired I am now.  I have a short break before my Emily will be here and then I can crash for the night.  I probably won't since I haven't had dinner yet, but I could.

It's really strange but I have had a sore throat for 5 days now.  It is only on the right side, though, which is good, but it is strange.  My right ear is starting to hurt now too.  This is not looking good.  I am not up for an ear infection or a cold or anything else right now.  However, should I end up with something like that, I will rest and do what I need to do.  I'm just hoping to pass over this.  Star is rather ill right now.  She has a bad head cold and actually had to cancel a performance tonight because of it.  I felt so bad for her.  She so wanted to perform tonight at the art show but she is just too sick.  Star is a beautiful dancer.  I haven't seen her dance in years but I am hoping to see her in some of the shows she has coming up.  Star only just recently started back to dance.  I am hoping that when I get down to a reasonable weight to be able to go back to dance.  That is my dream.  I do not, however, want to go back to pointe.  I don't think my hips will like that so that is okay.  I love contemporary ballet or lyrical jazz best anyway and you don't need toe shoes for those.  I miss dance.  I wish I hadn't quit but the fibro was so bad, I had no choice.  I just couldn't do it anymore.   I really couldn't.  The pain just got too much for me to handle.  Now that the pain is a bit more manageable at times, I am dreaming of the day I can dance.  The meds take the edge off of the pain so that helps me through the day, although my day is sooooooo much shorter than the average person, it is still my day.  I sleep a lot, or rather, I spend a lot of time trying to sleep as I wake up about every 2 or so hours.  Sometimes, my best sleep is between 6 am and 12 noon to 1 pm.  It is just the way it is.  So, sometimes, I spend 12 to 14 hours trying to sleep.  I am a 12 hour sleeper and I pretty much always have been.  I know some people say I sleep too much but I have tried sleeping less and I find after a couple of days of it, I end up crashing and burning and sleeping the whole day and night away so this way is better.

My leg pain is not doing any better.  I am thankful it is only the right leg and not both.  I don't know why it happens, I have tried many different things but nothing seems to work.  It is not coming from my back, that I have figured out.  It is my leg because it is the lower part at first and then it raises to the thigh.

Well, Emily will be here shortly and I want to get some stuff done before she gets here.

One answer to a test

I had some blood tests last week and I had to redo one because the levels were high.  I was unable to shower or touch my chest before the blood test and I had to fast for this test.  Well, the results were the same, high.  I have proactinemia.  I have to take some medicine for the rest of my life to keep the levels normal.  It is caused by a tumor in one of my glands.  Usually, the tumor is not cancerous.  I have to see a new doctor.  He/she will decide if I have to get an MRI to see if it is cancerous.  The doctor said not to worry about the tumor at all, so I am not.  I will have a mammogram and an ultrasound next week to see what the fibroids are in my breast.  I already have the thing where the lining of my lungs are inflamed.  I have pain there all the time, it is normal.  The pain I had a couple of weeks ago was something I have never had nor have had since.  I am not looking forward to the mammogram.  They hurt no matter your size.  I have come to that conclusion, it doesn't matter whether you are big or small, it hurts to be squeezed like that.  The ultrasound will hurt if they press to hard because of the lining of my lungs pain.  All in all, I am not looking forward to that day but I am looking forward to the answers.  One good thing is that I have not had the super sharp pains since those couple of days.

My normal headache is a little above normal pain levels right now.  I am tired.  I got up earlier than usual to meet my friend, Jen for lunch.  I love how we meet every 2 to 3 months to catch up on each other's life.  We had 2 wonderful hours together that were full of laughter and much chatter.  I showed the new pictures I took of Maisy, the little Brussels Griffon Dog and she showed me pictures of the kids.  She has 4 children, ages 12, 11, and 4.  The 12 year olds are twins.  It was a fun time.  Jen is also in book club with me too but she will be unable to make it next week as she will be out of town.

This Sunday is Mother's Day.  I get so sad on this day as my momma passed away in 2010.  I don't know if my younger brother is going to her grave or not but I just can't.  I don't know if I will ever be able to see it in person.  I have seen what the stone looks like in pictures.  Every year, he plants new flowers but I just can't go.  She isn't there, I know that.  But still, I just can't deal with it.  I have a hard enough time with her birthday, the anniversary of when she died, and Mother's Day that adding to go and see her grave puts me over the limit of what I can handle.  So, I will spend Mother's Day with Star and her mom.  We are going to tea and it shall be fun.  We will remember her grandmother, who passed away last year, and my momma.  I miss mine so much.  I don't think there is a day go by that I don't think how much I miss her.  I miss the momma she was before Alzheimer's and the momma she became with Alzheimer's.  I was her caregiver and I am glad was.  There was good times and bad times during my caregiver days but overall, it was good and I am really glad I got the chance to spend all that time with momma.  It is something I will never regret.  I just wish I got to spend time with her now.  Alzheimer's took so much away from her and from us but then again, is there any disease that doesn't take something away?  I don't think so.  I think all diseases take something away from the person who has it.

Saturday is my friend's wedding.  Kathy will be there!  I am so excited to see her at the wedding!  It should be lots of fun!  I think so anyway.  I am hoping that my head will be in good shape and that I will be well rested to attend the wedding and the reception.  I generally avoid receptions because of the sensory overloads but with Kathy there, I just have to go.  My wanting to spend more time with her out weighs the sensory overload watch level.  I may pay for it on Sunday but as I am going to tea later in the day, I will have time to recover and if I need to cancel, they would totally understand but I think I am planning the couple of days well.

Well, it is almost dinner time.  I have to go and pour the milks for everyone.  That is my job.

When New Pain is Not Fibro 4-28

Last Thursday morning at about 3 am, I woke to some very, very, very sharp pain on the right side of my chest.  It was simply awful.  I knew it was new and different.  I knew it was NOT fibro.  There are no muscles in that area where it hurt to have fibro pain.  I had an appointment with my arthritis doctor that morning so I went as scheduled.  I hadn't planned on saying anything because well, this was my breast, not my arthritis but when she asked if there was anything new, I told her.  She instantly became concerned and asked to see it.  There seemed to be a bit of a discharge, clear, but she saw it.  I didn't but she did.  I was told if it did not stop within 24 hours I was to call my doctor immediately for an appointment.  It didn't stop so on Friday I made an appointment for Monday.  It DID finally stop on Saturday night so that was good.  As for the discharge, it stopped on Thursday.

So this morning, bright and early, and I mean bright and early for me (9:30 am) I got out of bed to be at the doctor's for 10:30 am.  Well, Dr. J examined me and I now have to go for a mammogram and an ultrasound.  She didn't make any diagnose or guess to what it could be, for which I am thankful.  I don't know if it is anything serious or not, but she is not saying anything until the studies are done.  I really appreciate that about her.  She gets the tests done, then she diagnoses what is wrong.  I really like this doctor a lot.  She did feel some fibroids and there was some pain when she examined me but the pain could have been fibro because if you touch my sternum or my ribs or anywhere around there too hard, it hurts because the lining of my lungs are always inflamed.  It is just the way they are.

May 14th is my appointment, thankfully at a relatively later time.  It must be done at the local hospital because it is a study that must be done.

It was a nice week, last week.  I had most of my lessons, which is nice since I had sooooo many absences for the month of April that it was a tight month, financially speaking.  I had a beautiful Easter weekend with Kathy.  I saw her on the night before Easter and on Easter Sunday.  The Saturday night was just her and I.  We went out to dinner and laughed and giggled the whole time.  It was lovely.  We went to Red Robins and lets just say, boy did I eat enough for 2 meals.  We had cheese sticks, cheese burgers, fries, and oreo shakes.  Yup, definitely too much food.  Then on Sunday, I went to her parents' house with her and her family for dinner.  Her mom is a great cook so dinner was really good too.  Kathy's kids seemed happy with the bag of candy I bought them.  Acer and Calli were happy with their I-tunes cards too so all in all, children were happy.  That is the main thing, happy children.  This weekend, Bill, James, and Heather cleaned out and organized the sun porch and the garage, or at least 1/2 of the garage.  It looks so nice with the stuff on shelves and everything.  Now we have to go through my boxes to see what we really need to keep and what I don't need to keep.  Because of tax purposes, I must keep some store stuff for 7 years so we are in year 6 after losing the store so in December of 2015, the boxes can be shredded and forgotten!  I can't wait.  No more store stuff.  It seems like a million years ago that I owned a music store.  I don't miss it anymore.  I don't even miss the busyness of it.  I also don't miss the 15 times I was in the hospital from November 2007 to February 2009.  I only owned it from February 2006 to August 2008 so it did take a major toll on my health that I had not expected.  I am much better now in the way that I can rest in between lessons, and I am so much less stressed over employees who wouldn't do their jobs or listen to how to do their jobs.  I am just glad it is finally over and will be even more when the last of the paperwork can disappear.

Yesterday, I went to Windsor to see Tilley.  It was mostly a nice visit.  A few complaints from her but not too bad.  I am glad.  The plan for Mother's Day is to have a potluck at her house.  It should be rather fun.  Andrew is coming too.  I haven't seen my brother since September so I look forward to seeing him.

As far as Fibro pain goes, nothing out of the ordinary right now.  It seems the breast pain has taken over the leg pain right now or at least during the day.  I still have leg pain at night.  I find one way I can uncramp my leg is to actually get out of bed and then climb back into bed to lie on the other side instead of rolling over.  Rolling over makes my leg hurt worse so this is better even though it is rather annoying  to have to get out of bed to lie on my other side.  Oh well, it IS better than the extra pain though.

My headache pain has been a bit increased due to the weather, I think.  I see my neurologist this Thursday.  It sure seems like I see all my doctors in one month.  I think we will be starting some other medicine because this stuff isn't really helping at all so onto something new.