Friday, August 30, 2013

It has been a missing Mom day Friday 8-30

With the celebration of Maia's life party coming up, I have been thinking about Mom more and more.  I miss her so much and today just seems to be a missing mom bad day.  I think about her a lot as it is but today I have thought about her more than usual.  I so wish she were here with me.  I know my cousin, Danielle feels the same way as Maia as her mother.  I know both of them are in a much better place than we are but it doesn't stop us from missing them.  My life just doesn't seem complete without her.  It is like there is a big whole in my heart and my life that is empty without her.  I spent so much time with her even before I became her caregiver.  I think because I did get so sick when I was so young that we did spend so much time together.  For a long time she was my caregiver.  There were times when I was so sick, I couldn't even dress myself because the pain was so bad.  We tried so many things before I finally got diagnosed with fibro and the other stuff.  Then when the vasculitis hit, and then the blood clot, it just seemed I didn't get a break for a while.  I am so thankful that I am better than I was then but I am working on being even better.  I know Momma would be so pleased with my losing weight.  I know that for a fact.  She was always encouraging me to eat right.  Okay - when I was a child, I did NOT take that too well and ended up with some major food issues but momma and I worked them out in my early 20s.  After that we just did what I could but with the pain level so high and the exhaustion level through the roof some days, it was hard.  At every turn, Momma was there and now she isn't.  I am glad I took care of her.  I hate that she had to suffer with Alzheimer's.  I hate that disease even more than my own illnesses.  It was awful to watch her lose herself.  At least with my illnesses, I am still me. Yes, underneath the Alzheimer's she was still herself, but she was so buried by Alzheimer's at the end.  I am so glad that I have so many memories of us doing so many things together, even just hanging out and talking or watching TV or me reading to her.  She really liked me reading to her at the end.  I just miss her, both the Momma she became with Alzheimer's and the Momma she was before hand.  I want my momma.  there is no way around it.  I just want my momma.  I want her now.  

At the top are some pictures that I took during the time of 2008 to 2010 of Momma with my phone camera.  I finally learned how to put them on the computer.  These are my favorite of the 10 or so I have of her that I took with my old phone.  I wish I had taken so many more!!!


  1. Oh Heather, I feel your heart so much right now. I am sorry you are hurting so bad. Yesterday, for no reason whatsoever I broke out sobbing, big alligator tears...I wanted my mom. She had a miserable death that I would not wish on my worst enemy (I hate that saying). I couldn't do anything to help her and she had me make promises that I was unable to keep. This haunts me quite often. I'm glad you shared some pics. Your mama was so tiny! She has a beautiful smile and I have no doubt that you share that smile. Please know I am thinking of you, will you be going to Maias memorial? You need family now, I hope you go. be safe, you are loved.

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