the coming of the end of the year

It seems so weird that it is December 20 already.  It seems like yesterday we were getting things ready for Christmas and now here we are getting ready for the New Year.  Yesterday, I spent the afternoon at my cousin, Nicole's house for dinner and boy was it good.  She is a very good cook and I really enjoyed myself at her place with her family.  My aunt and uncle were also there but they arrived late.  I did have a good time for the little time I got to spend with them.  i really love my aunt Michelle.  She is just so awesome.  I love my Uncle too but my aunt is such a great woman.  We have such fun together. I love it when she comes to visit and when I go to visit her.  We giggle a lot together too.  Nicole and I were marveling at the thought that we now live close enough to actually visit one another on a regular basis!  That is just so cool.  I am planning a cousin visitation for January for us soon.  Her children are very nice too and so is her hubby.  He works a lot.  I did have to leave a bit earlier than planned because it was freezing rain at her house and that would make very slippery roads so I needed to make sure I would be alright driving home.  The roads improved about 2/3 of the way home and the freezing rain stopped once I crossed the border so that was good.  Once I got back into town, there was no rain at all so that was even better.  I made it home with one sliding around the road.  I was pretty nervous for a bit after that but I did okay.  I drove slower than normal and that helped.  Most cars slowed down so I was glad to see that.  Anyways, it was wonderful day with my family.

This week there are only a few lessons just like last week.  Normally, I don't really have any, so to have a few is just awesome.  I have some money put aside already for the rest of the property taxes so that is good.  I feel much better about the financial situation than I did going into December.  I had a few students quit but I have a few new ones to take their places.  It is the nature of the business.  It comes and goes quite frequently so you just have to go with the flow.  I do need to check and make sure i have the CD I need for tonight for the new student.  Her name is Amanda.  I don't know anything else about her.  I will find out tonight.  She is having a lesson tonight and on Saturday.  I don't know if tonight will be her regular lesson or if Saturday will be but I will find that out too.  It is a new way take lessons is doing things so we don't have questionaires anymore and I really found them helpful.  I am going to check one more time to make sure they didn't just move them to a new area.  They didn't.  I don't even know how old she is.  In just over an hour I will meet her.  I called her mom but she emailed me instead of calling me back.  Well, I had Alyssa's lesson this morning and then I will have Bob and Faith tomorrow.  Nothing on Wednesday and a couple on Thursday and Friday with one on Saturday.

For some reason, my desktop computer was being awfully weird today.  It wouldn't let me go on the internet, no matter what I did.  Bill came home and told me what to do to fix it.  It is now fixed!  Yeah! No more looking at the internet through the little laptop.  Back to the wonderful world of desktop with the lovely bigger screen.

Every year, I choose something to work on about myself.  I spend a few days thinking about it and then I decide what I want to work on.  I am not sure what it should be this year.  I really don't.  There are many good things to pick but I just don't know what the thing should be this year.  It is something I have to also pray about because, well, without prayer and God, there is no hope of improving myself.  You know what they say?  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  So yes, that is what I need to do.  I am working on more personal space for people but that really isn't what I mean.  I need something else that is more personal than that.  Like one year I worked on attitude towards my brothers another was negativity in general, things like that.  Normally, I know what to do, but this year I am all hazy about it.  I have no clue.

Maisy is in her usual place next to me for now.  She alternates between me and Heather BT since we are her two people with Heather BT being her number 1 person and me her number 2.  I don't mind being number 2 at all.  I get a lot of time to be with Maisy and play with Maisy so I don't mind at all.  I love my time with Maisy so much.

Well, it is almost time for Amanda to arrive.  I have the CDs I need out as well as the music as far as I know anyway.  I am not sure exactly what to expect since I haven't spoken with her but I will certainly find out shortly.

Recovering from the Holidays

I am rather tired tonight.  I foresee going to bed really early as I am exhausted.  Clearly, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day have knocked me out but they were so worth it.  I spent Christmas Eve with Kathy and family.  The kids loved their gifts and so did Kathy.  I loved what she got me and what her parents got me.  (gift cards from barnes and nobles)  I was home here with Heather BT and her family for opening of presents in the morning.  Calli and Acer woke me up with sleigh bells at 9 am.  It was a pleasant way to wake up.  It was much better than the alarm that I would have had to set.  I spent the afternoon/evening with my aunt Michelle and uncle John along with my cousin, Jayson.  He seemed to like what I got him.  I did stop briefly at Lia's to give Tilley her gift and get mine and Andrew's from her.  Andrew was unable to come to Christmas after all.  That is a whole other story that I just can't handle getting into again.  It is too upsetting.

I had a good couple of days.  Tomorrow I will see Anne and David for lunch and that should be fun too.  I have 3 lessons tomorrow too.  I will hopefully see Star for tea tomorrow night.  That is the goal anyway.  On Saturday, I have just 1 lesson and then lunch with the student and her mother.  Tonight I have 2 students.  I am waiting for one right now.  I do hope she comes.  She and the following student are doing a duet for competition so I am hoping they can practice together tonight.

I was so proud of myself for getting things turned in for competition ahead of time!  Yes, I was early!  Right that down in history!  It has never happened before and I am so glad I was able to be on top of things this year.  It makes it so much easier for me.  Tomorrow, my Sarah will have an hour lesson to make up for some of the ones she has missed.  She is really doing well with her competition song.  I am really pleased with her progress.  Sarah is such a lovely pianist.  She really is.

I have a bad headache today, probably due to the excitement of the last couple of days.  I took some pain pills and I think I will be able to get through the lessons and then I will have a tea before heading for bed.

Maisy is resting beside me.  She is in her "scratch my sternum and my chin and my tummy" position so in between typing, I am scratching her.  She is such a good girl and good company.  I have decided that for me, as long as I can help it, I will never be a dogless household again.  I will always have a little dog in my house.  They are such great company and really help lower anxiety.  I can give them so much love and attention and they give me such love and attention.

Well, I am really getting rather tired.  It has been a long couple of days for me and today was pretty busy with a few lessons so I am going to have a tea and then bed.

Merry Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone enjoys the day with family and friends and less pain and fatigue!!!!!

The Bad Day Before Christmas

I don't know what it is, but every since I was a child, I always have a bad day some day before Christmas.  Today is it.  I am ready to burst into tears at any moment at the drop of the hat.  Mom used to call it my demon day or night because usually it happened at night.  Today, it is during the day too.  I am upset over other things today too but I was upset when I got up so I know it has nothing to do with this upset.  This is the before Christmas blah time.  I think later today after everyone leaves I will go and have some quiet time to myself and see if this can pass.  I so wish Kathy lived next door or in the same town because then I could talk with her about it.  It is so hard to describe this feeling.  It really is.  It brings all my anxiety feelings to the surface, not what I am anxious about just the anxiety feelings.  I feel utterly alone yet I am in the midst of people, 18 at this moment, including me in the house.  I miss Momma so much that I can barely breathe today.  It is as if it was yesterday she died.  That is how it feels today only it seems like years and years since I have seen her.  It has been 3 years and 2 months and 4 days since I last saw her, which means it has been 3 years, 2 months, 1 week, and 4 days since I last heard her speak and tell me she loved me and since I told her I loved her.  I want to hold her again and tell her how much I love her.  I want her to hold me and chase these feelings away like she used to.

I don't know why I get this feeling every year, but I do and usually it is when I am totally alone but not this year.  I know one year it was so bad that I was on the phone with my older brother all night long because I so wanted to not be here.  If there had been the medicine that is in the house now, I would have taken it all then but that was years and years ago.  I don't have that urge anymore.  I just feel like crap.  I don't ache anymore than usual, I just feel anxious and sad, very, very sad.

4 Days until Christmas! Are you Ready?

Well?  Are you?  I almost am.  I have a couple more gift certificates to get and then I will be officially done!  Just 3 more!  Finally!  I picked up 2 yesterday and will do the others this weekend.  All I have to do is print them on my computer, thankfully.

Maisy is lying down next to me on her ottoman.  She is such a loving doggie.  I love her so much.  I know, I say that all the time.  I think it is because it is such a shock to me.  I never expected that I would love a dog so much.  I really didn't but boy do I!  Here is her picture:

Yup, this is Maisy.  This is her, take the picture, Auntie, I am so done with this look.  This is her ottoman and she is also wishing it was empty for her.  She weighs about 18 or so pounds so she is a nice little lap dog.  We think she is part ninja because she can get in and out of the craziest places and things.  Last Sunday was the kids church concert and pageant.  I put Maisy in her crate.  I closed it carefully.  Well, I met up with the others at the concert and then we went out to dinner.  I was the first one home, guess who met me at the door, you guessed it, Maisy!!!!!  She ninjaed herself right out of her crate.  We don't really know how.  today, I am not putting her in one when I leave for lunch.  It will be only for an hour or so and Bill said don't bother especially since she now knows how to get out.  Anyways, this is the little princess I talk all the time about.

I realized last night that I am much better this year at this time than last year.  I believe I had meltdown after meltdown last year at this time.  I have had a couple but not too long.  I can't believe that I am spending another Christmas without Momma but I am.  She gets to spend Jesus' birthday with him, how cool is that?  I mean, really.  We get his spirit but she gets it all.

The other night my side ached so bad and I was sooooo nauseous.  It was awful.  I was, literally, awake most of the time in such pain.  It didn't matter what side I was on, it was bad and then the nausea hit.  I couldn't move then.  I finally had to get up to take something for it.  It helped a bit but man oh man, was it bad.  I was so wiped out that on Thursday, I was in bed at 9:00 and I don't remember seeing 9:30 on the clock.  I woke the next day at 12 noon.  It was a rare night that I didn't wake up too much either.  I slept right through with only a couple of wake ups.  I have felt better since but ugh.  I do have to call Doctor G and have him look at me because Heather BT thinks it could be my appendix and this does happen quite frequently just usually it is bad and then gone not like Wednesday night.  I hope not to have that type of a night happen again ever.  It was that bad.  I even contemplated going to the ER but I really couldn't move enough to go plus I would have to wake Bill or Heather and I really didn't want to do that.  As I thought more and more about it, I finally dozed off at 7 am for about an hour.  I started feeling better about 9 am so I didn't go.

My anxiety level is down now and I hope it stays down for the rest of the season.  I have a couple of lessons next week between Christmas and New Years but not many.  I expected this.  I have one on Monday, a couple Thursday and 2 on Friday with one on Saturday so really, that is a lot for the vacation.  Acer has elected not to have a lesson this Friday, which I told him was perfectly fine as it is vacation.  Speaking of little man, he is now 9!!!  Yes, today IS his birthday!  i am so excited for him!  We have a 9 year old in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, Acer has turned 9.  He is very excited about this too.  Tomorrow is Acer's birthday party and he will get his present then.  I can't wait for him to open them all from everyone.  I love watching children open presents because they look so sweet when they do.  I was nervous that the gift I got him would not be here in time, but it was so thank goodness for that!

Well, my aunt will be here soon.  Not sure exactly when, but soon.  We are going to lunch.  I probably should go to the bank too.  Nah, I will do that on Monday.

Christmas Season and anxiety

I have high anxiety.  It goes along with fibro.  Thankfully, I do not have the depression.  Yes, after Momma died, I was depressed and grieving but that depression was more of a grieving type than a fibro type.  The last few Christmases have been VERY hard on me with her gone.  She died in October 2010 so the first one was awful, simply awful.  I went to the family party and felt like a stranger in my own family.  I left early because I couldn't take the pain of it.  I cried the entire drive home.  By the way, it is not recommended to cry while driving.  It is a difficult thing to do but I did it.

This year, I find that I am not having a rough time of it.  I still miss mom, I still ache from her not being here, and I still ache from fibro, but I think having my friend, Heather BT and her family here has definitely improved my anxiety overall and I have been enjoying this season of cheer.  Calli and Acer are delightful children and they make me smile, most of the time.  When the are not misbehaving or being bratty anyway, which most of the time they are not, they are usually really good kids.  Having people in the house that I like has helped too.  Heather BT and I have known each other since we were in our early 20s and then drifted apart.  We reconnected in 2009 right after Calli came home from China.  I am so glad too.  We get along rather well as do her hubby, Bill and I do.  We each have our duties and roles in the family and it works well.  I do dishes and Calli helps when she can.  Heather BT does my laundry and it is a darn good thing too because, well, to be honest, I really suck at laundry, I just simply suck at it.  She makes my stuff come back in good condition and nice and clean and all that good stuff.

Painwise, I am still having major issues with headaches.  I did go to the arthritis doctor and the gastro doctor this week.  The pain that I thought was my hip is not my hip.  The arthritis doctor thinks it is the colon.  I asked the gastro doctor about it and she thinks it is muscular/skeletal so basically, fibro.  Yeah for that.  It isn't all the time just some of the time.  If it becomes all the time, then I will need to have it looked into because it really hurts when it comes, it is excruciating pain, simply excruciating.  Fortunately, it goes away rather quickly and then I am fine but it stops me in my tracks when it arrives.  usually, it is at night after I have been lying on that side for a while or when I have been sitting for a bit.  It is not linked to meals or anything like that so that is why the gastro doctor doesn't think it is the colon.  I do have diverticulitis though and both said that that can be painful at times.  I have to be on the lookout for infection, which I am.

Miss Maisy is here sitting next to me looking outside at a winter wonderland.  It snowed a few inches last night.  I don't need to go out until much later to return some stuff I bought that I don't need.  If I don't do it tonight, that is fine too.  I can go another day.  It looks so pretty out but I am not sure how the driving would be.  I am sure it isn't too bad though otherwise no one would be leaving their homes and my neighbors have been driving up and down our street all day.  I am on one of the main streets in our neighborhood so I would notice this and also, Maisy barks every time a car drives by.  She is such a cutie, a definitely barky girl, but super cute too.  She is standing vigilantly at the window watching for cars going by.

I think what has helped the most for my anxiety this year, after my housemates, is the furbabies.  Q is Calli's guide dog but when he is not working, he is a family dog but he does hang out with Calli most.  He was most unhappy with her today as she was outside shoveling snow while he was inside.  Not a happy dog, not at all.  Maisy is Heather BT's little 18 pound dog.  She is so adorable and while Heather BT is her number 1 person, I am her number 2 person.  Maisy has lowered my anxiety a lot too because when I get to anxious, I go and pick her up and snuggle with her.  I can feel my anxiety leaving my body when I do that.  Nothing lowers it faster than snuggling with Maisy, nothing I found yet anyway, even medicine.  I have moved a blue ottoman next to my chair at the computer for her to sit on and look outside.  She knows this is her seat and loves it.  I didn't even hear her come up and didn't know she had until she took her little paw to tell me it was time to pet her.  I did.  I snuggled up with her.  She is not always a well behaved dog too but we have to take the good with the bad, don't we?

Sammy is coming over to help decorate the tree.  I only have the little one up because I just didn't want to deal with the big one this year.  Next year I will deal with the big one, just not this year.  She should be here soon.  Sammy is a wonderful student who helps me so much.  She helps put music away, get music out, and things like that.  She is a wonderful organizer, which I so need help on.  I am not the most organized person.  I so try to be, but it just fails.  I have her to help for another year then off to college she goes!

Well, Sam should be here any minute.  I am also getting tired.  I think Maisy and I will take a brief nap until she gets here.  It is snuggle doggy time.

Hmmm, how long has it been?

I used to post daily but I find myself not posting daily.  Sometimes it is because I am so exhausted at the end of the day that I elect to go to bed instead and others I find myself hanging with the kids instead.  I look back at what my life was like a year ago and boy, what a difference a year can make!  I was lonely, scared, sick, tired, and worn out missing mom something awful last year living by myself.  Then Heather BT and crew moved in and suddenly our house was alive again.  I still miss mom horribly, but I am not lonely, scared and worn out in the same way that I was.  Now, don't get me wrong, I still am exhausted all the time and well, it isn't like the fibro took a walk, oh no, these things didn't leave, I just feel better inside as far as mentally than I did a year ago.

Right now Maisy is sitting next to me snoring away as I type.  She is definitely on of the most awesome things that have happened to me in the last year.  I had no idea how much a dog (or pet) could improve your life!  Well, she sure has.  I am her #2 person with Heather BT being her #1 person.  I love how Maisy will go in back and forth between us to make sure we are both okay.  Right now it is my turn, and also, it is time to feed her and she knows I will be feeding her so that could be it too.  I will be right back.  I have to feed the little fur baby!

She is happily eating her dinner in the laundry room.  Last night she came into my room to say goodnight.  It was quite cute.  She puts her paws on my bed so I will lift her up and she wanted me to scratch her tummy so I did.  Then Heather BT called her to go to bed in their room so she left.  I love when she coms into my room and sleeps on my bed.  When it is just a Maisy and me night, she spends all night in my room.  I have discovered for such a little dog (18 pounds) she hogs the bed and steals blankets but I would rather have the bed hogging, blanket stealing, 18 pound dog than none at all.

Lately, my right hip has been super painful at night.  It is fine when I am sitting down but the minute I stand or try to walk it is sharp pains.  I don't get it.  I do see the arthritis doctor this week so I can ask her about it.  I have had a few more neck ache headaches again.  I may have to consider the nerve block injection although I would prefer to not but if they continue, I will have to try it.  It isn't every night, thankfully, but every few nights.  Before I went to the ER, it was every night for weeks until it got so bad I just couldn't function or sleep or even move.  It hurt to walk to the car and to the ER that night.  It really did.  Thankfully, by the next day the doctor had found something to help it.  I see her again in January.

This is a busy week with doctors as both Wed and Thurs I have doctor appointments.  I see the arthritis doctor on Wed and the stomach doctor on Thurs.  Then I don't see them again until 6 or so months, or so I hope.  This time it was 4 months.  I am hoping to remember to bring my planner so I don't plan appointments on the same day, which I have done again.  I have to cancel the ear doctor appointment and reschedule it for a different day because it is on Wed. at the same time.  I really can't be in 2 places at once no matter how chub I am.  Which by the way, on Wed I will find out how much more weight I have lost and I am hoping a few more pounds.  I have had to stop wearing some of my clothes because they are too big.  Other clothes I can wear again because I am smaller and can fit into them.  It is exciting when that happens.  Right now I am into my Christmas sweatshirts that I really couldn't wear last year as they were too tight.  This year?  they are too big!  Yup!  I am loving that!  I think that it will be the last season for these Christmas sweatshirts as I am hoping to be closer to my goal weight next year and not fit into them.  That is the plan anyway!

Last week was an exhausting week for me and same with the week of Thanksgiving.  I wasn't feeling well at all the week of Thanksgiving.  At one point, Heather BT asked me if I was sure I wasn't bleeding in my stomach because my stomach was so upset all the time for the week.  It still is upset a lot, but not quite as much.  I also was sooooo exhausted, even more than usual.  I slept a lot.  I even was in bed by 8 or 9 pm some nights and didn't wake up until after noon, that is how exhausted I was.  Heather BT said I looked super pale (paler than usual, I am ghostly color) and that my eyes looked like I was in a lot of pain and extremely tired.  She is one of the few who really can tell when I am not feeling so good and when I am in either a lot of pain or extremely tired.  I did host Thanksgiving along with Will and we all had a good time.  I didn't cook.  I went and ordered from our local restaurant and that helped immensely.  My aunt and uncle, small cousin, friend Star, Will's Mom and brother all came over.  Will's mom and brother left earlier than anyone else but it was overall a good day.  Will is on his way to California now for a job.

I am hoping that since the Christmas Concert is over and the majority of Christmas presents are bought or made, that I will have a more relaxing Christmas season.  I am trying not to raise my anxiety.  I have bought things that I think people will like and I have pared down what I can and can't do.  I am going to give it my all at keeping at the can and can't do.  I know I will have some anxiety over when I decide I just can't do it, but I have to.  I just have to.  I have to accept that I can't do what I used to.  yes, it annoys and upsets me but it is a fact.  The Christmas concert for my students wipes me out.  Thankfully my friend, Star helped me a lot.  This lowered my anxiety.  I refuse to stop doing concerts for my students because I really feel that fibro has cost me so much that I just refuse to let it cost me one more thing.  I just won't.  With help from good friends like Star, it is easier.  I ask for help and I get  the help. I have a great group of parents who help me with setting up things and tearing them down.  So all in all, things work out.

Well, Heather BT and I are about to watch another episode of Once Upon a Time season one disc 3.  I love this show.  It is really good.

I think it has been a week 11-20

Wow, I am not sure how long it has been since I have posted.  I am sure it has been at least a week though.  I have not been very good on this lately.  My head has been in a major fog for a while now.  I am not sure why.  I have done some very goofy things because of it.  Fortunately I haven't done anything too goofy around students.  That would not be good.

Next week is thanksgiving.  I can't believe it.  I am actually having it here with Will and his Mom with possibly Star and her mom, Paula.  I am not sure yet.  It should be rather interesting.  I am not sure what exactly I will cook or what I will order, but I will know by Friday since that is the day I have to put the order in by.  I know I want corn bread so that will be from Boston Market along with some of their veggies.  I love their veggies.  Paula and Star are vegans so that will be an interesting mix.  I will have some salsa stuff for them to put on their potatoes.  I won't mash them because I put milk in that and they don't drink milk and for some reason soy milk doesn't sound good with mashed potatoes.  I will get a small thing of soy cream for Star's tea since I know that is what she likes.  Heather BT and family will be going to Bill's parents as their usual for the holiday.  On Friday, I will trod to Kathy's parents' house to have another Thanksgiving with her parents.  All in all, it should be rather good.  I think it will be.  I miss Kathy and her family.  I only get to see her parents on the 3 major holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter these days since they live about an hour away now.  I used to see them more often than that.  Of course, I don't see Kathy that much either.  We have a Murphy bed for her now when she comes to visit.  I am very excited to see her.  We always have a good time.

My right hip and lower back have been giving me lots of pain lately.  I am sure it is because of the weather and the redistribution of the losing of weight.  When it gets chilly like this, it starts to hurt.  It isn't as bad as two years ago because it isn't so cold yet but hopefully when it is, I will have lost even more weight.  I am very tired now after helping Acer with his homework.  Keeping him on task is harder than anything when it comes to doing his homework.  I think I am in for an early night tonight.

Amazing What I Can Now Hear 11-6

I got hearing aids today.  To say that I can hear things I never heard before or haven't heard in years, is amazing to me.  I was very nervous about these because I get headaches so easy that when I had tried them before, I got such bad headaches.  I took them out right away and vowed to never try them again.  So far, so good, no bad headaches.  It is rather weird to describe what I sound like.  I don't like how I seem to echo in my head, I am hoping that will stop or I will get used to this.  The pianos sound weird right now too, I am also hoping that will change too or I will get used to it.  This hearing through a computer is so very strange.  I am at 70% of where I should be because the hearing aid will gradually move me up to 100% percent.  They are run by computers now.  I can have my hearing aids hooked up to a computer and then they communicate to each other.  It is so strange to me.

When I was in the office, a truck drove by the window I was sitting near, I HEARD the truck go by.  I have never heard that before.  Last night Will was teasing me about being able to hear the background noises in the TV shows and movies.  I had to actually ask what background noises was he talking about?  I have never heard them.

Heather BT said that it also has changed my speaking voice a smidge.  We didn't expect that.  She thinks it is because I have to speak so loud so I can hear me and that raises up my squeaky little voice but now that I can hear me better, my voice has lowered a bit.  I also don't speak as loud since I can hear myself much better too.  I even heard Acer when he was talking to me from upstairs in the hallway when normally I would have to say, Acer come down to talk to me.  It was amazing to me.  I have been nervous and anxious about this for no reason.  I have the other two appointments for the check ups scheduled now.  i totally forgot that I needed a total of 3 appointments so I only made the 1 appointment.  Now I have the other 2 so it is fine.  I just have to check and make sure that it isn't on a day I already have an appointment since December is a busy month with appointments.  I think I have 3 in December and 1 in January so far.  They are all just check up ones, but I just have to make sure that I don't double book myself like I have been known to do.

I think it will be an adjustment with singing too.  I haven't done much singing since I just got them this afternoon so tomorrow will be a test with the singing I need to do.  Natalie and Isaac will be singing with me so it will be interesting.

I had planned on watching Law and Order but I think I am just too tired tonight.  I do need to get up early tomorrow and go to Sarah and Hannah's tomorrow so I think I will just go to sleep.  I am almost ready for it.

I think I have a really loud computer keyboard too because when I am typing, it is loud, really loud.

I also hear Maisy snort more now than I did before.  She is such a cute dog.  I could just hug her forever if she would let me.

Next to take care of are my eyes as I need new contacts and need to get my macular degeneration checked out too.

ugh. 11-1

My right leg, from the hip all the way down the back of my leg to my toes hurt.  It doesn't hurt as bad as yesterday, but it still hurts.  I don't know what I did to it.  I really don't recall doing anything to it, but it hurts a lot, and I mean, a lot.  Fortunately, it is more of a quiet day than not.  I have a couple of lessons but that is about it.  I can rest more than anything today and that is what I need.

My throat is a bit sore on the top part of it, but it isn't too bad yet.  I am hoping it isn't going to get too bad.  Acer, Calli, Heather BT, and Will are all sick.  Yup, that is 2/3 of the house.  So far, Bill and I have eluded the cold/bronchitis that is floating around our house.  I am hoping that we will not get this thing at all.  Like I said, I have just a small sore throat, which I have had for about a day or so now.

Maisy and I have been enjoying the quiet.  I plan to catch up on a couple of DVDs this evening and then head to bed early.  I have to be up for a 10 am phone call that is really important so going to bed early will be good.  I only have 2 lessons tomorrow so if I get too tired in the afternoon (like I often do), I can take a nap.  Generally, by the time Saturday rolls around, I am exhausted beyond exhausted and usually sleep the afternoon away.  There is a family get together that I am planning to go to but it will depend on whether or not I get this cold.  I am hoping I don't so I can go.  I will be able to take a brief nap before I have to leave.

I was so excited last night because I got to have Maisy in my room with me.  The only small problem was that Maisy likes to sleep right in the middle of my bed where I sleep.  I gently moved her over and crawled in.  She is such a sweet little dog.  Around 3 I had to get up for some pain meds so she came down with me.  Maisy was thirsty.  Then we went back upstairs to bed.  I did get up around 7:30 am to feed her and to let her out for doggie business.  After that, we both went back to bed.  Right now she is sitting on the big stool next to me.  She is looking out the window so she can see if anyone is coming.  I must say that Maisy has barely barked since it has just been the three of us here in the house.  She did really well with all the commotion of Halloween last night.

i didn't get to go to Star's party last night.  I wasn't feeling well enough.  Stupid fibro and throat.  Will was feeling really awful too so neither one of us could really go.  I was really looking forward to it too. We were going to watch some Harry Potter movies and Practical Magic but no, I had to not be feeling well enough.  I hope that I can see her next week and be feeling much better.

I think for dinner tonight I am going to go and get some chicken soup for Will and a salad for me.  Chicken soup is supposed to be very good for a cold and he is feeling really rather miserable so I will go get it for him.  Maisy will come with me because she is such a good companion when driving.  She is such good company.  I will have her to myself until Sunday when the rest of the family comes home.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving.  I will get to see Kathy and family!!!!  I usually spend the holidays with her and her family.  It is so much fun to do that.  It really is.  I don't know if Kathy is going to be at her parents on Thanksgiving Day or the day after or the Saturday after, but one of the days I will see her.  I just can't believe that it is almost Thanksgiving already.  Then before I know it, it will be Christmas and New Year's!  This year is really going by so fast.

Well, it is almost time for the little good girl and I to go and pick up some dinner.

10-27

Today is trunk or treat for the kids at their church.  Calli is passing out the candy while Acer is participating in the trunk or treat.  Both kids have very cute costumes.  Acer is a clown and Calli is a fairy.  I try to be up about Halloween for them, but the truth is I don't particularly like the holiday.

Anyways, today was a quite day.  Tilley and Lia, along with Esther came over to drop off the walker and my little hoodie I left at Luana's on Canadian Thanksgiving.  They stayed for a few minutes.  The walker will be a big help for me as I plan to start walking outside everyday now with Maisy.  It has a seat so when I get tired, I can sit down and rest.  Basically, if I find myself leaning on the walker, I should be sitting down and resting.  I want to only use the walker for balance and resting.  I don't have good balance so that is why I wanted one.  My rheumotologist thought it was a good idea to get one too.

Acer gave Esther a book and a toy.  That was very sweet of him.  He can be so sweet and generous.  He knows that Esther loves books so he gave her one of his old board books.  Acer is also my official present shopper assistant.  He loves helping me pick stuff out for the little cousins.  I will have to start thinking about what to get them soon as Christmas is fast approaching and I need to spread the buying of gifts out over 2 months.  I think this week I will start my list and then ask Acer what he thinks we should get.  That sounds like a good plan.  Calli may have some good ideas too.  Heather BT had a great idea and I think that I will act upon it.  It will help the foundation that gave Calli her guide dog and it will give the kids their Christmas present.  It is really a cool idea.  Tilley and Lia didn't stay too long as they have some shopping to do.  Tilley wants a new bathing suit so she can go swimming in the pool for exercise.  She seems to really enjoy it.  Acer showed Lia his drum set and some of his drums.  Esther played on the electric piano downstairs.  It was quite cute.  Acer showed Esther the drums but because she is so small, she didn't play them.  I so agree.  She is only 3.  Maisy wouldn't go to Tilley at all, although she did stop barking when we were downstairs.  Tilley took home some more books with her.  She is in the middle of a series by Bertrice Small about Rosamund.  She needed the 2nd book, which somehow got left here last time.  I don't know how, but it did.  I also gave her some other books that are really good too.  Since I have a nook, I no longer need the actual books except for the special ones like Anne of Green Gables and Harry Potter.  I got a nook last year at Thanksgiving.  I had been saving up my gift certificates from Barnes and Nobles so that I could purchase one.  At first I really wasn't sure I wanted one but Kathy kept telling me I would love it so I finally gave in and boy was she right!  I love my nook so much.  It is the best thing ever.  I can have so many books on and I can even play some games on it too.  I love words with friends.  I am not very good at it, but that is okay.  I play it to expand my vocabulary.  I have never really been good with scrabble type games but they are fun to play whether or not I win.

Speaking of Scrabble, Acer, Heather BT, and I played a bit of scrabble today.  It was fun.  Acer does a pretty good job.  I surprised myself and did pretty well too.  Heather BT is very good at scrabble so that is not a surprise.

I didn't have any lessons today so it truly was a day off for me.  I did have a bit of work to do but basically I relaxed most of the day.  I had to type the words for 4 songs for Calli for school.  They were easy to do since I know the songs really well.  She is going to try out to sing a solo at her choir concert at school.  Calli has a lovely voice and an amazing range.  She has 4 octaves, which is quite unusual to begin with but even more unusual for her age.

I had to reschedule my Muglia girls because I have a follow up doctor visit with my primary care physician tomorrow morning and I don't know how long that will be.  This way I won't have to worry about being late and missing the lesson.

Maisy is up here sitting on her stool next to me.  She is such a character.  She brings such love to my life.  I simply adore that little dog so much.  Maisy has a Halloween costume but I am not sure she is going to need it this year.  I can't remember what it was but she looked so cute in it.  She also loves to be on my desk.  I don't know why, she just does.  Her favorite place to sit is on the keyboard too.  I get a good giggle when she does that.  Right now she is lying on her comfy stool looking out the window.  Maisy loves to look out the window.  She does this all day long, especially if I am in the living room.  It is cute when Maisy comes to sit next to me or my student during lessons too.  There are some students that she seems to remember really well.  She loves Natalie a lot.  She lets Natalie pick her up and cuddle her.  She also loves Megan.  The only ones she doesn't love are Bob and Rick as she is not very fond of men.  She barks at Isabella's dad too.  We only have to keep her downstairs when Ryan is having his lesson as his brother, Nick, is afraid of both Maisy and Q.  He is only 4 so that is understandable.  I am sure as he gets older, he won't be so afraid.  I was a bit afraid of big dogs too when I was young.  Now that I live with Q, I am not so bad.  He is a friendly dog and such a sweetie too.

It isn't so cold out today so I don't ache as much as I did the other day.  I have brought out the winter coat though because it is cold enough for it for me.  Tomorrow will be the first day that Maisy and I will be going on a walk.  I am looking forward to that.  I plan to go right after I get back from the doctor so if I need to take a nap, I will be able to.  The leaves are changing colors around here.  Our Japanese maple tree is red right now.  We don't have a lot of trees in our yard but we do have a lot of shrubs.  We also have some really nice flowers too.  Heather BT is a gardener so she is in charge of the yard.  I gladly handed that over to her.  I am far from a gardener as can be.

I am getting a bit tired now.  I think it is time to play words with friends for the day.  It is an on your own dinner tonight as we think the kids are eating at the trunk or treat activity at church.  Both Heather BT and I are not really that hungry to begin with so we have both had something rather light to eat.  She had a bagel burger and I had a peanut butter and honey bagel sandwich.  I love the cinnamon raisin bagels with peanut butter and honey on it.  It is very very yummy indeed.

a Sunny Chilly Day 10-25

It looks so beautiful outside right now.  The sun is shining.  It is also a chilly 43 degrees.  I have pulled out my winter jacket.  Acer is trying out my flute right now.  He hasn't really tried this instrument before so he is a bit frustrated that the sound isn't coming out right away.  Acer will get this, of that I am sure since he is so musical.  He really is quite remarkable when it comes to music.  Acer is also playing the fife right now.  I know there is a book in the house somewhere, I just don't know where.  I know we will find.

Right now, Maisy is sitting next to me on the ottoman stool.  She is so cute when she lays down next to me.  I love when she sits or lies near me when I am on the computer.

I am feeling so much better this week than last week that is for sure!  I have my daily headache but not the terrible neck ache that went with it.  That was just awful.  It really was.  I now have a plan if it happens again.  My neurologist, Dr. R has told me that I can call her even if it is after hours.  That really set my mind at rest.  This way I won't have to go to the ER again if this happens again.  We also have another medicine that works for pain.  It comes in an oral form too not just an IV form.  Dr. R did say that if the oral form doesn't work then she would send me to the hospital for the IV form.

Acer is so full of questions about the cornet that I finally picked up on Tuesday.  He is a happy camper playing this instrument.  He is doing well with it.

I am not feeling so well right now so I am going to go and lie down now.  I took a 2 1/2 hour nap and while I am not as tired as I was before the nap, I am still very tired.  I think I have the most difficulty with the fatigue more than the pain at times although it is because of the pain that I am so tired.

Tilley and Luana are coming tomorrow for a brief visit.  They will be bringing some books home with them too.  Since I have a nook, I am getting rid of most of my books except a few that are special to me like the Anne books and the Harry Potter books.  those are my favorites so I am keeping those plus I don't think either one of them want the books to begin with.

Friday 10-25

Halloween is next week.  It is my least favorite holiday, in fact, if it disappeared completely, I would not mind a bit.  I put up 3 decorations for it.  2 are stuffed ghosts and 1 is a welcome sign that says trick or treat.  that is as close to Halloween decorations that I get.  

It has been a busy week and boy did it fly by.  All of a sudden it is Friday.  Where did the week go?  I am not so sure.  Monday, I had tea with Star and then the rest of the week I was home but I have no idea what I did outside of teach lessons.  Last night I was supposed to meet up with Wendy and Frann but Frann ended up being called into work so we are postponing our outing to next week.  It should be lots of fun.  I haven't seen either one of them in a while so we need to catch up.

I don't have too many plans for the weekend.  I have a couple of lessons and that is about it.  Tilley is planning to come over for a bit and pick up some books.  I have finished Sarah's Christmas song so that is ready for her.  She wanted to change her song to Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy so I needed to arrange it for her as the easiest arrangement I have is still a bit hard for her.  I have it done now.  I have finished Acer's Holly Jolly Christmas so that is good too.  Acer wants drums added but I can't figure out how to add a staff to the song.  I know Bill knows so I will ask him later this weekend.

Tonight was leftover night and well, I really wasn't feeling like leftovers so I went to go and get soup but I changed my mind.  I went to Chipotle instead.  I am so full now.  Their burrito bowls really can be for 2 meals but I ate it in one and boy am I one massively stuffed person.  Like super duper stuffed person.  Like, I can't believe I ate so much person.  I have learned my lesson well.

Maisy wanted some of my dinner but I didn't give her any because we don't give her people food.  If something happens to fall off the table, well, that is different, depending on what it is, but generally we don't give her people food. She has doggie treats she can have too so she is well taken care of.  I tend to be the one to give her the treats more so than anyone else.

I can't believe the holidays are coming up so fast.  I have 1/2 of Calli's, 1/2 of Jacob's, and 1/2 of Matthew's gifts done.  Acer's is up in the air of what I am going to get him.  I am debating between a few things.  The students, I am making ornaments for each of them.  My little cousins will get a little something but I am not sure yet either.  Heather and Bill, I am also not sure of.  Kathy, I know I just have to get it.  In my family, I only get stuff for the littlest ones like Esther, Phoenix, Warren, Elizabeth, Miles, Adrian, Kestral, and Jayson.  I also do get something for Andrew, my brother.  We have so many little ones now.  It is like our family is exploding.  That is what happens when my used to be little cousins grow up though and have children of their own.  It just seems weird to think that Danielle and Kayla used to be the little ones and now they are both moms to 2 children each.  Elizabeth, Danielle's oldest is now 5 and Warren, Kayla's oldest is now 6.  It seems like yesterday they were both just born.  I plan to start picking up a few things here and there for the kids next week.  I buy a little at a time so that I don't have to buy it all in December.  I am actually thinking of making something for each of the kids instead of buying something.  I don't know yet.  I am still in the thinking mode for presents.  I do like making presents a lot, which is why I make my students presents.  I started doing that in the early 90s when I only had a few students.  Fortunately, gone are the days where I had 50 to 60 students to make ornaments for.  Now I just have a few comparatively speaking.  

The students almost all have their songs for the Christmas concert.  Elizabeth is the last one to pick a song.  She will be picking tomorrow at her lesson.  I don't know if Rick is having a lesson this week or not as I have not heard from him.  I must call him tomorrow as well as my new student who doesn't have a time for their lesson yet.  This year is the earliest that I have had everyone or almost everyone having their Christmas music.  I am so glad about that since I don't know when the concert will be yet.  Bill is working on that.  He sets them up at his church.  They are really nice at his church about the concerts.  they let us use the sanctuary for the concerts and the social hall for the receptions after the concert.  That is where everyone gets their Christmas gifts from me.  Everyone has their name on the ornament that I make and the year.  Katie Rose and Danielle S. told me that they have every ornament that I have ever made them still.  I think that is pretty cool.  I know the one year I didn't do ornaments, they were disappointed but they understood why I couldn't, they were just disappointed by it.  I have awesome fabric picked out this year.  It is musically themed and the peanuts characters.  It is just super cute.  Star is going to help with the concert so that my anxiety won't be so high.  That is awfully nice of her.  She has high anxiety too.  I love the concerts but I do get very anxious about them.  I don't give in to the anxiety and cancel them because I believe they are so important to students learning but they can cause panic attacks.  I also generally am very wiped out when I am done with them and often have a bad headache.  Quite frequently, I am in bed right away when I get home after a concert.

Well, I am getting tired so I think it is time for me to get to bed.  I have to get up a bit earlier than usual tomorrow as it is Saturday and I teach in the afternoon for a bit.  My first lesson is at 12 noon and I do hope they are not late.  The last 3 weeks they have been late.  I know they asked about every other week lessons last week so I am not sure if they will be switching to that or not.  Either way, weekly or bi-weekly works for me.  Then I just have Sally's lesson and then I will be done.  Tilley is supposed to be coming over either tomorrow or Sunday.  I am not sure which day so I will find out tomorrow.  I plan on calling her in the morning to see.  I meant to do that this evening but I forgot until just now.  Whoops!  Silly me!

Tuesday 10-22

I forgot to go and pick up the freshly cleaned cornet yesterday.  Yup, I had a disappointed Acer around me.  I did NOT forget again today.  First thing I did when I went out was to go and get that cornet.  They did a nice job cleaning it.  It looks rather nice now and not so worn.  I know he will be a happy camper when he gets home.  Then my brake light came on saying my break fluid was low so I had to go and get that checked out.  It was a little low but we shall see if that light comes on again.  I hope not.  There is only 13,000 or so miles on the little car.  I got the rest of my errands done and came home.

Since I got up rather early, I tried to nap but for some strange reason I couldn't really sleep.  It was very weird but hey, what can I say?  Life is weird and so are my sleep habits.

I went to tea last night.  Acer was so cute.  He says that I have been hanging out with Star too much and I need to take a break.  I think it was because I was going out and I wasn't going to get his cornet from the store.  Either way, I had a nice evening with Star as usual.  She is such a wonderful young woman.  She would be in her biology class right now!  Star is an English major at the University right near town.

I am thoroughly enjoying pulling out the clothes that I haven't been able to fit into since 2007, the pre-Lyrica and Amitryptiline days.  I have on pink jeans, white long sleeve shirt, and the matching pink hoodie.  It is a very cute outfit and I feel very cute in it, if you know what I mean.  I am glad that Heather BT has been encouraging (okay - hiding the clothes she doesn't want me to wear) to care about what I wear and picking better clothing options.  I have several pairs of these type jeans and actually, I need to get a belt as the waist is too big and it kind of falls down when I walk.  I will do that tomorrow when I run my errands.  I would go tonight but it is NCIS night and well, I don't think after teaching I will want to go especially as NCIS will be ready to come on.  I love that show.  NCIS LA will be on tonight too.  I keep forgetting about Castle!  I just remembered that I missed it last night!  I also need to watch the finale of Project Runway online because I was in the hospital when it was on so I missed it.  Thank goodness for online watching!

One of the sewing projects I will be immersing myself into will be a new pair of pajama bottoms as well, mine are ready to fall off me!  It is exciting when that happens!  First up with be the Christmas Ornaments for the students.  I am just not sure what I want to make exactly this year.  I have the material just not the design.  I will be thinking and experimenting this week so I will have a good pattern to use when Star and I start to make them.  Star is also an artist so she may have a good idea of what to make too.  I had thought of making the ornaments in the shape of a bell or a mitten or a stocking.  It really depends on how it works with the material that I have.  I will be experimenting with all three.  I may even start tonight during NCIS.

My big computer is now in the living/music room.  I really like it in here.  It has wifi so I have Internet connection in here.  Maisy has a place where she can sit while I am on the computer if she wants to be in the room with me.  She wanders in and out a lot so it is up to her.  She also likes dark corners so she likes to be under the table too.  Goofy little doggie.  I just love her so much.

It is getting colder out so I had to go and find some socks to wear.  I have been having trouble finding some because of the swelling in my feet, ankles, and legs.  Socks dig into my skin and break open the skin.  I have new socks now to try and they seem to fit okay so I am going to need to buy some more as I only have 2 pairs of these and that won't last long in this weather.  I haven't worn socks since summer so it is kind of weird having the toes covered but they are at least warm, which they weren't earlier.

My neck ache and headache are a bit better today.  I have the usual everyday headache plus a bit of the neck ache too.  It is most definitely not the same amount of pain as it was when I was in the ER last week.  I hope to never have to go through that again but now I know what it is so I can call and make an appointment with the doctor.  I won't need to go to the ER for it.  I hope I am done with the ER this year because I have been in the hospital 2 times so far this year and I would like to think I have had all the visits I am going to have.  That is my hope anyway.

Well, my student has arrived and the call from the bank lady didn't happen so I am hoping that she will call soon because I need to set up another appointment if I can even modify this issue.

Sunday 10-20

I had a make up lesson today with Ryan.  It was my only lesson for the day.  Tomorrow is back to normal schedule with a possible make up with Natalie for Thursday.  I am not sure though as her mom will call tomorrow if Natalie can come.  I hope so.  Then the only lesson I wasn't able to make up would be Isaac's.  It is a bummer, but okay.  I am glad I could make up as many as I did.

I finally finished putting in Finale Acer's Holly Jolly Christmas so he can practice.  He helped me with some and then was timing how long it took to put the notes in the document.  It was pretty funny.  I had done a full page but for some reason it got lost.  I don't know what happened to it but it is done now and that is the important part.  Acer now has his practice CD for his Christmas song.  He is at a birthday party right now for a friend at school.  I am so glad he has lots of friends at school.  The rest of us are at home while he and Heather BT is out.  Calli and I are in the living room.  She is reading and I am on the computer.

I am feeling better now than I was.  My neck isn't sore at this moment and I slept really well (for me) last night.  I only woke up at about 3:30 for about an hour before I fell back asleep.  I did also take a nap for about 4 hours yesterday afternoon.  I meant to sleep for about an hour or two not 4 but I was so tired of not sleeping for 2 days.  I guess I needed the sleep.  I went to bed at regular time last night and woke up at regular time this morning.  Tomorrow I don't have my homeschoolers so I don't have to be up early, thankfully.  I can sleep in to my regular time.

I am so excited to be wearing clothes that I haven't worn in 6 years because they were too tight.  I have on one of my absolutely most favorite outfits.  It is really cute too.  I am looking forward to wearing my really cute jeans with their matching hoodies too.  I am still working on losing more weight, as it is needed, but I have a good start and I am happy about that.

I will be seeing the neurologist this week to follow up with the hospital visit.  I really like my neurologist a lot.  I think the medicine she has me on has helped a lot.  I don't get the super bad headaches during the day at this point, just at night, which, believe it or not, IS an improvement.  Now she is working on the bad ones at the night.  I may have to have nerve blocker injections in my neck this week if my neck continues to plague me.  Right now, it isn't too bad.  I don't know if the injections hurt or not but it is something that we have to discuss.  I am not sure why I have to see Doctor G too the following week about the hospital visit so I probably won't go and see him just Doctor R.  I do need to call Dr. J about the cellulitis as it still is there a bit, I believe.  It hurts a bit and there is still some bleeding so that is not good.  I must have this completely cleared up because it can lead to blood poisoning and well, that is not something I really want to have to deal with.  I am hoping I am finished with this bout of crazy illnesses right now.  It is just insane.  I do get tired of it.  I know with me it is always a matter of when I get sick again, not if I get sick again.  That drives me crazy but there isn't anything I can do about it.

This week's teaching schedule seems to be back to normal, thankfully.  I have about 220 more dollars to save for my hearing aids and then back to saving for the house bill.  The August payment has really thrown us for a loop with how much it jumped to.  It has been insane trying to pay it off.  I am doing the best I can but we are behind a couple of months now and this has not happened in years.  Not too mention that I have to turn in my car in March because it is a lease.  I am hoping to buy this one as I love the little car.  I don't have a lot of miles on it so that is good.

I am involved in a care package exchange on one of my fibro facebook pages and I received my package.  It was awesome.  I will be mailing my package to Connie tomorrow.  I meant to do it Thursday but it didn't happen because of the hospital.  Now I can go and do it.  I also forgot to mail a bill.  I have them taken care of now.  I hope she likes what I got her.  She is very into crafting her own cards so I bought some card stuff for her.  It was fun picking out what to get her.  It really was.  She sent me some super neat stuff too.  I love the cross stitch kit she got me.  I love cross stitching.  I was working on one but it disappeared with the rest of my craft items after mom died.  I was heart broken because it was for my mother.

Friday was the 3 year anniversary of her death.  Because of my adventure at the hospital, I didn't even think about it so I wasn't sad at all.  I am not sad now but I was earlier in the month.  I had one night where I broke down and cried really hard.  I am feeling better now.  I will always miss her that is for sure.  I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't miss her.  I think of the beautiful sky she loved so much, I think of things I am doing, and stuff like that.  I wish she were still here.  I am not saying I would want her to suffer as she was at the end with Alzheimer's, but how she was before Alzheimer's.  That is the mom I want back.  I do miss the mom she became because she was so sweet and adorable, but I also miss the mom I had always known.  The strong lady, the major, the loving mom that she was.  I wonder if she sees me and is happy with how I am doing.  These are the things I think about a lot.  I think she would be happy with how things are with the house.  Even if she was still here, it would have worked out because she would be in the living room and everyone else would be in their rooms.  Her hospital bed didn't fit anywhere else and she really couldn't do the stairs anymore.  I had things planned as best as I could but while I miss her so much, I am glad she didn't suffer too much more.  I am glad she never lost her smile or forgot who I was.  That would be so sad.  A couple of times she did forget who I was but it never lasted very long.  The first time I handled it so badly.  I cried and told her I was her daughter, which made her feel bad about forgetting.  The next time I did better, I just told her my name and in a few minutes she knew who I was.  I miss holding and snuggling with her.  I would sit next to her and snuggle her in my arms.  She was so tiny at that point.  Mom was never very tall but she was taller than me.  Her shoulders had rounded out so she shrunk a bit.  That was why I could hold her and snuggle her.  I miss telling her how much I love her.  I miss asking where is the pretty momma smile too.  I just miss her a lot.

I am going to read for a bit and play my words with friends right now.

Home Again 10-19

I am so glad to be home after an overnight visit to the hospital.  While I am truly glad we have a great hospital right near by, I dislike having to visit it too often.  I canceled lessons on Thursday because my head hurt so bad.  I went to take a nap, well, my head did not get better, in fact it got even worse because my neck was also in extreme pain too.  (more on the neck issue in a minute).  So I went downstairs to where Heather BT was and asked if she could drive me to the hospital.  I wasn't sure with the upset stomach that I could drive but if necessary, I am sure I could have.  She and I got in the van and off we went.  We didn't really have to wait that long, much to my surprise.  I was in the minor care area, a place I have never been in but hey, it was an ER room and trust me, I am not that picky of where.  I have even been in the hallway.  I saw the doctor right away too.  I had the good old check of a blood clot both by the blood test and the CT scan.  My CT scan was negative so there was no stroke or a blood clot, of which I am most thankful for.  I didn't think I had either as I didn't have sudden onset of pain, which both would require.  So I got some pain medicine.  I received something for the nausea and morphine.  The stuff for the nausea worked well, the morphine didn't work at all and I mean not one drop helped my pain.  Through out the night I went on to receive more morphine and it didn't do a thing.  I was asked whether I wanted to go home with pain meds or stay and see the neurologist, who incidentally is my neurologist, so I opted to stay and boy am I glad I did.  I went up to a hospital room about 3 am.  I slept sort of on and off until about 7:30 am when Dr. Young, my neurologists partner came in.  She checked me over and said that this headache was actually from my neck nerves being inflamed!  Whooh,  I know!  I thought my neck was super sore because of my headache when in actuality is was the opposite.  My headache was because of the neck pain.  This, of course, is on top of the regular headache that I always have.  Dr. Young prescribed me some steroids and a muscle relaxer to help stop the pain.  I received them plus another dose of morphine at about 10 am.  Yup, you guessed it, it didn't help the pain at all.  The regular doctor was floored.  This usually helps but it didn't help me.  I was in so much pain and nothing was working.  I have been in this position before so I know how to stay calm through it although at times there were some upset moments because nothing was working.  Finally, about 2 pm the nurse brought in a bag to go through the IV.  This was what she called the big guns for migraines.  The nurse also said it may put me to sleep.  Wow, it could lessen the headache and help me sleep, please put it in my IV!!!!  Hurry up!  Please!  I am so exhausted that I need some sleep and help with the pain!  Well, it WORKED!  It brought the pain down to a 7 from a 10, which is more manageable for me.  5 to 6 is what I usually have so 7 isn't too bad at all.  I was discharged after that.  I am so glad to be home that is for sure.

Today I had a couple more lessons that usual because of some makeups for the lessons I missed on Thursday and Friday.  Sarah and Ryan are making up their lessons this weekend.  Ryan is coming tomorrow.  Megan is also making up her lessons too.  She and Sarah came today.  Natalie will hopefully be coming on Monday.  I am so glad that I have such good students and parents who understand that I was ill and are willing to work with me on make up lessons.  I dislike canceling lessons a lot.  I really do.  I want to keep the flow of what the student is learning and not break it because I am ill but sometimes, you just have no choice.

I have to see my neurologist this week to discuss nerve blockers and I also need to see Doctor Gradolph for a follow up in 2 weeks.  Why I need to see Dr. G I don't know.  I can totally see about Dr. R but not Dr. G.  I will do it since the hospital says so.  I also need to call Dr. J on Monday because the cellulitis site still hurts a bit so she needs to know.  I was supposed to call on Friday but well, you know where I was.

Well, I have to pay a couple of bills and then add a magazine to a package that is going to my swap partner.  I love these swaps that we are having.  We also call them care packages for fibro fighters!  They are so fun to get and so fun to shop for.  We have a budget so we can't go over it, but wow is it fun picking things out for a new friend!  I also am way behind on my words with friends, however, I will probably not do anything with that until tomorrow.  I am on the 3rd book in a series so I am anxious to start reading it.  At first I was disappointed that I didn't bring my nook with me to the hospital but then I realized I wouldn't have been able to read anyway, I was in too much pain!  Silly me!  What was I thinking!

Have a beautiful evening or night!

Canadian Thanksgiving Dinner Day 10-13

Tomorrow is the official holiday but we had the dinner today at my cousin, Luana's house.  I brought cheese and crackers.  It was good.  The dinner was really good and there was plenty enough for everyone around.  Everyone was in a good mood so that was wonderful.  Little Warren, 6, came up to me for a big hug.  Then later he wanted a snuggle after dinner so we did.  He is such a beautiful child.  He sister, Phoenix is 2 and she can be mean at times.  Right before dinner she slapped Warren really hard for no reason, just walked up and slapped him.  Phoenix did get in trouble but she is very physical with all kids her age.  i do hope she out grows it or when she is older she will have no friends and spend a lot of time in trouble at school.  It was so lovely to finally meet my cousin, Darrin's youngest daughter, Kestral.  He hadn't seen her in 5 1/2 years and she is only 6.  Both her and her mother were at the dinner and I was so happy to see them.  I took a couple of pictures of them because I don't have any of Kestral.  Darrin is very happy to have time to see that beautiful girl again.  I am so glad it is working out for him.  Little girls need their daddies too.  Danielle didn't come, which was expected.  I tried to see her before and after but she wasn't home.  I gave the gift for her daughter to her dad and stepmom so Lizzie will get the present I bought her.  I gave Esther hers and she seemed to like them.  I bought her 2 books and a really cool card.  It was the disney fairies and it had stickers inside.  Lizzie's is the disney princesses and it also has stickers inside.

Overall, I am very happy it was a good day.  I missed my mom and I know Maia was missed.  It is the first holiday that we have had without Maia.  It is hard to have them without them, but they are in Heaven and much as we would like to, we can't bring them back here with us.  It is still rather strange for me to go to family things without Momma.  It really is.  You would think after almost 3 years it wouldn't be, but it so is.  3 years ago at this time, the little lady was in the hospice unit at the hospital.  I was sitting there with her, holding her hand, talking to her, trying to hug her, and giving her lots of kisses.  It is hard to hug someone who is lying down and can't hug back.  She was so small.  At that point she only weight 84.6 pounds and she was about 5'2" tall.  She had shrunk some with the widows lump on her back.  I remember feeling so lonely at that time even though Maia and Tilley were both at my house with me.  I was just so alone without Momma.  I still am a lot of the time.  I am not lonely in general, I am lonely for my mother.  I think of her everyday.  I miss her everyday.  Friday will be the 3 year anniversary.  I plan to get flowers for her and put them in the vase on the table in her honor.  I just miss her so much all the time.  Sometimes the pain is worse than the fibro and sometimes it is just a hole in my heart.  I will say, I am much better than I was, although I do miss her a lot, I am just not so down about it.  I know she would be kicking my behind saying what is up with this Missy????  You need to get up and at em.  That is what she would say so I do.  I think it is okay to miss her so much and still have good days.  yes, my days would be better if she were around like she was before she got sick, but she isn't sick anymore and besides, God Himself decided to bring her home.  Who am I to judge or question His decision?  I am only His child.  He is the Father with the plan.  I know that someday we will be together again and never will I be apart from my mom but that day is off into the future.  Only God knows when that will be, not me.  After all, He is the One in charge of my life.  I gave my life to Him when I was a child and I haven't looked back since.  Momma brought me up to be God's child and I am.  She would say I am God's child first and her child second.  That was just mom.

Well, I have to print some music for Sarah for tomorrow so I better get going on that.  My hip is protesting sitting here right now so I better get it some relief.  I have some words with friends games to play and I have a book to read.  I just finished clockwise angel.  Now I am on clockwise prince.

Busy Bees 10-12

We were such busy bees around here today.  Acer and I went to the music store to get some cleaning supplies for the cornet and then we had to go to a different store to take the cornet in for a good cleaning.  I want this done because it has been so long since it has had a good cleaning.  Since Acer is very serious about the trumpet, I should be serious about making sure it all works and everything.  They will take it all apart and clean it.  There is one completely frozen slide that they will unfreeze.  We tried but it didn't work.  It is just too frozen.  We got the slide grease and valve oil for it so we can continue to keep it in good working order.  I think we will leave the oiling of the valves to his dad as that would be the best thing to do.  Acer is very excited about this.  I am glad.  I love how he gets so excited about music.  We also picked out a nice jingly bracelet for his sister, Calli.  Since Acer got a treat, so should Calli.  I will say that Acer immediately started looking around for things for Calli and we both agreed the bracelet was the thing.  She loves jewelry and things that jingle.  I did have to tell him we couldn't get anything at the 2nd music store as we got things at the first one.  At first, he wanted me to leave him in the car.  I said no.  I can't do that.  He did come in with me.  I just can't leave him in the car, I really can't.  I know he is 8 1/2 but still, safety first and safety is bringing him with me.  He looked at everything he could in the store.  He found a slap stick he wanted me to buy.  Maybe for Christmas but they are about $45 so not for any treat.  That is just too much money and right now money is very tight for all of us.  

Tomorrow I am going to my cousin's house for dinner.  It should be fun.  Several of my cousins and my brother will be there.  I think my aunt and uncle will also be there too.  I am going to Tilley's house first and following her there because I can't remember how to get to Luana's.  I am planning to stop at Danielle's after to give her Elizabeth's present.  I so wish she was going.  I really do but she isn't.  I understand why, but I just want to see her longer than the short time I will have to see her tomorrow.  I miss her.

Star totally forgot about her mom's art show tonight so she couldn't come over.  We may get together on Monday or Wednesday.  I have to take pictures of the ornaments that I am selling so she can decide which ones she wants.  I know she wants some because she told me so.  

I am so excited!!!  I tried on jeans that I have not worn since 2007 because of weight gain and they fit!  yes, they fit!!!!  I am soooo excited!  I am thrilled beyond being thrilled!  I am on my way down to fitting into my super cute Elizabeth clothes by Liz Claiborne.  I have about 10 pairs of jeans that are all different colors and some have matching hoodies too.  Talk about sassiness!  I love those clothes so much.  I was very upset when they closed the Elizabeth stores.  I love the fit of those clothes a lot.  I really do.  They fit me so well.  Tomorrow I am wearing my cute black pants and a nice shirt with a black hoodie.  I will look super cute.  That is my goal.  I may be a chub girl, but I am a cute chub girl.  I will even wear make up!  That is my plan!!!!!  I don't wish to looks sloppy anymore (not that I have since Heather BT has moved in.  She doesn't like me to look sloppy for teaching at all)  I am glad she has encouraged me to look nicer for teaching and nicer in general overall.  I can't wait to start wearing my cute jeans for winter.  I need a new belt for a few of the pairs of jeans too as the waist is a bit big in the back.

My right hip is not liking me these days for some reason.  It was feeling better and then, bam!  It wasn't.  I don't get my body sometimes.  I just don't.  Random pain here and there.  I know that is just the fibro, but at time it gets so annoying.  My arthritis in my lower back seems to hurt more lately too.  I think as I lose more weight, it will lessen the pain and then I won't ache from that so much.  I know it will NOT get rid of the pain completely.  I mean, arthritis doesn't just go away, but it can help some.  I just am going to keep on working on losing the weight.  I pick up the walker tomorrow from Tilley.  I will be able to work on adding some exercise into my plan now too.  Maisy and I will be able to go on daily walks.  I am excited about that too.  The little doggie and I will start slow and not go very far.  Because there is a seat to the walker, I should be able to go a bit farther than without the seat.  I can rest if needed. That is a good thing.

Well, on to taking the little dog out for doggie business.  She is almost done eating.  I love that little dog so much.  She is such a joy to me.  We snuggled a lot this afternoon so that was fun.

It is Friday?????????? 10-11

Wow, this has been the worst week for pain.  With the cellulitis I got yet again, I have been in a lot of pain since last Saturday with Monday and Tuesday being absolutely the worst.  Fortunately, I have an antibiotic and I am soooo much better than I was.  I would have had to go to the ER if I didn't have the doctor appointment when I did.  I didn't have to go though!  Anytime the ER is avoided is definitely a good thing.  Most definitely.  I hate the ER.  I have been there just wayyyyyy toooooooooo many times.

Anyways, today was a rather decent day.  I didn't get to drop off the letter I needed to but that is okay, I can do it on Monday.  I taught a few lessons and then Acer wanted to play the trumpet.  He can now play a C major scale on the trumpet.  I am not surprised.  Show him a few notes and he does super well.  Well, that is what I did.  I taught him how to play some notes and then I left him on his own so I could do some lessons and he practiced downstairs.  He just needs to not puff his cheeks out.  Ooh, I need to get the clarinet back from Isaac since he is now playing the drums.  I just thought of that.  Back to the Little Man.  Acer is amazing at instruments.  He truly is.  I don't think he has met an instrument he hasn't wanted to play.  Right now he is waiting for his teeth to come in so he can play clarinet and saxophone.  He has to have 4 upper and 4 lower permanent teeth before he can play the instrument.  Right now he has 2 lower permanent teeth so not enough yet.  Acer is very patient though and he doesn't try to play on the sly, which is a good thing.  He is not a sly child, something I have always appreciated in him.  He is very straight forward and to the point.  Tomorrow, he and I are going to wrap the little cousins gifts and sign cards.  I also am getting my friend, Star too and we are going to do some sewing!  I am excited about this.  We are starting the Christmas presents earlier than we did last year.  I am just not sure what we are making as of yet.  I will figure it out.  I also am going to fix Calli's little stuffed animal.  Her little dog, Devon, has lost his nose and one of his ears needs to be tacked back down.  I will work on this tomorrow for her.  She got the dog at MIRA last year when she went and got her guide dog, Q.  

Right now, pain wise everything is normal.  The cellulitis still hurts but not to the extent that it did on Monday and Tuesday.  I was completely whining and complaining about it, let me tell you.  I have had some major headaches in the night though.  It was really bad last night.  I hope tonight isn't so bad.

I am off to read.  I am reading a really good book that my friend, Will put on my nook.  It is a part of a trilogy and I am on the first book.  He just finished all three.  I can't wait to read it as it is so good and one of those hard to put down books.  I love when I get one of those type books.

Hmm, good news and not so good news 10-8

Today is one of those type days where I get the good news and the not so good news all in one day.  The good news is that yesterday I went to the kidney doctor and the mass on the right kidney has not grown one bit and the clear cells are not cancer, just simply clear cells.  So this means I get to keep my kidney and I do NOT have cancer!  So whoo hoo on that one!  The not so good news is, well, the cellulitis is back and boy does it hurt like the dickens!  I can't sit, stand, lay, or walk without massive amounts of pain.  I had considered canceling lessons but that would have been dumb as I would be miserable with absolutely no diversions.  This way, at least during a lesson, I forget about the pain for a while besides, I love teaching and I would miss my kids.  I do miss them when they or I are absent.  I really do.

I bought Esther and Elizabeth their birthday presents today and I have Acer's approval of them.  He is going to help wrap the gifts on Saturday since I need them on Sunday for the family dinner.  I will be stopping by Danielle's after the dinner to give Lizzie her gift since Danielle won't be going to the party. I wish she would but I understand why she won't.  I support her decision.  If she feels this is best for her, then that is what she should do.  It just is.  I will just miss her being there.  It is hard for Danielle right now since her Mom passed away 2 months ago.  I know how hard this can be.  It was very difficult for me when my mother passed away too.  It still is at a lot of times and it has almost been 3 years.  October 18 will be the 3 year anniversary.

Today's happy memory of momma and me.  Hmm, so many to choice from.  A few years ago, my mom and I were in Disney World for vacation.  It was in 2006.  We went in May.  Momma kept looking at this particular snow globe in the store of the hotel.  I kept looking at it too.  I knew that Mom really wanted it.  It was of the evolution of Mickey Mouse and it was beautiful and really cool.  Well, Mother's Day was that weekend coming up.  Finally, on the 2nd to last day, I snuck down to the store while mom was getting ready and bought it.  I hid it in the trunk of our car so she wouldn't know it was there.  I had called Richard and he went in on it with me as it was quite expensive for me to buy alone.  Mom did notice that the snow globe was no longer in the store and just sighed.  I said nothing.  She never commented and neither did I.  We got to Richard's house on the way home from Florida and stayed over for Mother's Day and the day after.  On Mother's Day I went to the trunk of our car and I pulled out the box that had the snow globe in it.  Imagine Mom's surprise when she opened up that box! She was shocked!  Richard and I both smiled and laughed.  I told mom how I snuck down to the store to purchase it.  She said she was about to go and buy it herself when she noticed it was gone!  Talk about a close shave!  Anyways, she loved that snow globe as she loved Mickey Mouse so much.  She loved all the Disney characters although Donald Duck was her all time favorite.  He was created the year she was born.  Mom instilled in us a love for all things Disney.  She introduced us to Disney characters when we were young.  Once I met Winnie the Pooh though, I was hooked for life.  No matter what she did, I only wanted my dolls and Winnie the Pooh.  It drove her crazy because try as she may to get me to play with my Minnie mouse or Mickey Mouse, I only wanted the Pooh Bear.  Momma is the one who started me on the collecting Winnie the Poohs when I was an adult.  It was in Disney World in 2001.  I thought I was ruining her trip by having to take so many naps and resting all the time.  She said it didn't matter to her.  We were together and we were having fun and that was what was important to her.  She bought me my first Winnie the Pooh beanie baby that trip while I was napping.  Momma snuck down to the store and bought it.  When I woke up, he was looking at me on the bed.  I still have it.  It is one of my favorite treasures ever.

The weather has been rather beautiful here these past few days.  So nice that we have the windows open to let in the fresh air.  It is nice and breathable air to me.  My asthma does so much better in this weather.  I also tend to ache more, although with this cellulitis, that isn't happening right now.  I don't ache or just am sore.  I am in a lot of pain.

I am finished with lessons just in time for the pain to get worse so I am going to head for bed and pray I get some sleep tonight.  I didn't really get any last night.

Saturday 10-5

Oh my, what a busy busy day we had here.  First, I had a lesson and then Will brought up some boxes to be sorted through so I did.  Then he brought more.  I had another lesson and then I sorted some more.  All in all, Will worked for about 5 hours straight and me about 3 to 4 hours with 2 lessons sprinkled in.  I found some pictures that I have put aside that I want.  Andrew only wants me to scan pictures to him.  He doesn't want me to send him originals.  I just haven't taken the time to scan the pictures for him.  I will, just not right now.  Right now we are working on organizing the house and that has to be done first.  I will move the boxes of movies when I hear from Richard.  I don't expect to for a few days.  He is like that.  He takes forever to answer back.

Monday is my appointment with the kidney doctor.  Ugh and yeah, all at the same time.  I know, I know, how can it be both at the same time.  I am just weird like that.

We have my big computer up now in the living room.  I am rather glad about that.  It has a huge screen that I really like a lot.  It hasn't seen the light of day since 2008 when we lost the store.  We packed it up and put it in the family room where it stayed until a couple of days ago when Bill and Will brought it down.  I had forgotten how big the screen is.  I think watching a movie on here will be super cool too since the screen is so big.  I can see a Stargate SG1 marathon happening on this computer!  We even have comfy couch and chair in the room to sit on!  Maybe tomorrow I will watch something.

All in all, despite not being able to have tea with the lovely Miss Star (she wasn't feeling too well), it has been a decent day.  I got stuff done and feel like I did some work.  I am tired now, but that is to be expected.

My throat is kind of sore tonight.  Not a whole lot, just a little bit.  My headache is the normal one though so that is good.  I am hoping that it doesn't increase like it usually does at night.  I am tired of having a bad headache all night long.

When I get to 50 pounds down, I plan to purchase the Immortal Series, City of Bones, is the first book, I believe.  It has just been made into a movie, but I haven't seen it.  I don't really plan to until I read the book.  I want to read the book first.  I am also reading Game of Thrones.  I have to catch up on my reading so I can tell the differences between the TV series and the books.  However, the fact that they killed off my favorite character is annoying.  My other favorite character is Arya.  She is just amazing!  She just lands on her feet no matter what.  I can't wait to see what she does next.  I have to wait until next February for the season 3 DVDs.  I am not that patient of a person.  I really am not.  I would rather be able to watch it now but I will have to wait.

One of the authors I really like, Bertrice Small, has a new book out that I just got yesterday.  It goes to the newest series she is writing about 4 sisters.  So far it is as good as the first 2.  I like how she has very strong characters.  Her women are not weak or anything like that.  They are strong and stay strong.  I really like that a lot.  I like how strong and adventurous they are.  Anyways, it is a really good storyline and I am really enjoying it a lot.  I plan to continue to read game of thrones when I am done.

Kathy has had a cold all week.  I talked to her this afternoon.  She is feeling much better but sounds like she isn't.  She had a lot of errands to run today and took each of the girls separately to go.  I am glad she had some good time with each of the girls.

Since it is October, it is time to start thinking about Christmas presents.  Ugh, I know, it is early, but it is the only way I can get them in time for Christmas.  Kathy's boys are super easy.  I plan to get each of their presents during the month.  The girls are a bit harder.  The littlest cousins are a bit hard too but I believe they are all into books and things like that so that is the direction I am planning to go this year.  I know that they will like them.  Acer and Calli I have ideas for but theirs will be done in December.  The littlest cousins will be done in November.  This way it is spread all around and not coming out of one month's income.  It truly is the best way to go.  It should work out just fine for this year.

I will start working on the students' Christmas Ornaments this month too.  Last year, I waited until the possible moment and needed help with them in order to get them done in time for the concert.  I will NOT do that again this year.  This year I plan to be done way early, like by Halloween for instance.  Star is also going to help too.  I like sewing with someone and not doing it all by myself.  It is more fun and less stress to have a helper.  I just have to decide what I am going to make.  I already have the material, I just need the shape.  Should I make a note or a bell or what?  That is what I don't know.

Well, I think it is almost time to read for a bit before bed.  I am rather tired after working this afternoon on what we worked on.  I enjoyed the conversations that Will and I had.  He is a very nice young man and we had a couple of really good laughs.  We also like a lot of the same TV shows and movies.  He is happy that I have all the Stargate SG1 and Stargate Atlantis TV series DVDs too.  Maybe we will watch some tomorrow.  Who knows?  With this awesome screen, anything is possible.  Although, I must confess, his screen is even more awesome than mine.  Believe it or not.

Thursday 10-3

it is a much better day and evening than it was yesterday.  Last night was terrible.  I was in tears most of the evening after teaching and well, it was awful.  I ended up calling my friend, Donna and speaking with her.  She helped me and I felt better.  It is so hard on me when these type days hit me but it is over and boy am I glad about that!

Today was a quiet type day with just Isaac's lesson.  We worked on his music for Michigan Opera Theatre Children's Chorus first and then his regular piano and voice lesson.  He is such an interesting young man.  I have known him his whole life and his dad was my older brother's best childhood friend so his dad has known me, my whole life.  We both think that is quite neat.  Natalie has tentatively rescheduled to tomorrow.  I will know more tomorrow if she can come for her lesson.

I spoke with Heather BT today about feeling so sad last night and she basically said, feel sad if I feel sad and don't feel bad about it so I won't.  Today I can smile at my memories of Momma.  Here is the happy memory of the day:

I really wanted to go to Prince Edward Island.  Momma had been there for a day or so a few years earlier and I really wanted to go.  I love Anne of Green Gables so much and Lucy Maud Montgomery is my absolute favorite author ever so that was another reason I wanted to go.  Momma and I were discussing where to go on vacation for the summer.  I said that was where I wanted to go but she had already had been there.  She pointed out she only spent about a day there and that was hardly enough to see the entire island so that is where we went.  We had a grand time.  I was in grad school at the time so we had to plan this very carefully.  I had some homework that needed to be done before class started so I brought it with me.  We covered the entire island in about 8 days.  It was so awesome.  It was one of the most memorable vacations we had taken together.  I learned an awful lot about Lucy Maud Montgomery.  We learned about history in Charlottetown.  We saw the musical of Anne of Green Gables and the musical of Emily.  Both were absolutely fantastic!  We so enjoyed them so much.  It was definitely a vacation we talked about for years after.

I had started to vacation with Momma because I went on 5 vacations with my friends and with the exception of the vacation that Kathy came on, I came home and cried after all of them.  They were awful except the one when Kathy was there.  I can't describe them except to say they were pretty bad.  Now the camping trips with Laura and the kids were good but the others were not.  Momma suggested I go with her and i did.  I went every year after that with her until we couldn't go on vacation anymore both because of lack of money and because she was just too ill to go.  We tried and she was so upset that I had to bring her home.  I was able to take her to visit Kathy in 2010 in the summer and she was fine but that was for a couple of days so it wasn't too hard on her.  Mom also knew Kathy very very well.  I mean, Kathy and I have been friends for 42 years now so of course Momma knew Kathy well.  If I wasn't at Kathy's, Kathy was here.

I have a really bad headache tonight.  My whole head hurts.  As for the rest of me, well, just the normal pains.  My lower and middle back on the right side hurts at night.  It has caused me to not be able to roll over sometimes like I used to not be able to do, but generally if I just lie on my back for a few minutes, then roll over, it is okay.  Fibro can be sooooo on the annoying side of life, can't it?

I have some games on the words with friends to play.  I haven't played in 3 days.  I used to be so obsessive but now, not so much.  I will play it tomorrow afternoon.  I don't like to play it at night because I find that it keeps my mind spinning instead of calming down for sleep.