Mom is 79 today. I think she is probably having a big celebration up in Heaven. It hasn't been a horrible day for me, just a slightly bad day. I miss her so much. I always will. I speak to her at times too. Sometimes, I can even still feel her here with me. I am thankful that I got to spend so much time with her. I shudder to think how sometimes it drove me crazy that she wanted to be with me all the time. Now I am grateful. I just wish I appreciated her more when I was younger. I remember when I was about 25 or 26 I asked Mom if I could speak with her. We had a very, very, very long conversation. I also apologized for my behavior as a teenager and when I was in college. She apologized for some of the mistakes she made with me. Momma also explained some of the reasons she did what she did. How she was afraid every single time I walked out the door that I would start using drugs. Both of my brothers used drugs as teens, so that is why she was so afraid for me. When I was in high school she would wait until the last minute to tell me I had a job to do before I went out. I would get so angry. I later learned she did it on purpose to see if I would change my mind and stay home. It didn't work. It made me want to go out even more. I never did try drugs. I also do not drink. The most I have ever had was about an inch of a wine cooler. I can't get past the smell of the alcohol to try something else. I have been that way since I was a child. I don't expect I will ever change. I am still afraid, at times, of people when they drink too much. I am getting much better with that. It doesn't bother me at all when Kathy and her family have wine at dinner because they don't drink too much. I can't wait to see Kathy. It seems so weird (in a good way) to be able to say that I have known her for about 42 years now.
I was afraid of today because I was so sad last year and the year before. I am starting to finally feel okay about missing mom. Sometimes it hurts worse than others and sometimes I am okay. I have started to feel like me again. I have begun to take better care of myself instead of just going through the motions. I am happier with people in the house on a full time basis. I think it is really going well. The kids seem to be adjusting well. Calli and Acer are joys and bring much sunshine to my life. Heather and Bill are also very good friends too. I am just thankful that we are all getting along and that everything is going pretty well.
I went and got the Easter gifts today. I got a stuffed bunny and a coloring book for each of Kathy's girls and for her boys, I got them each a itunes card. I am making coupons for Acer and Calli for Easter. I got stickers for the coupons. I also saw a Curious George book for about $10. It had 8 stories in it. I have already read 2 to Acer. Calli was listening too. Heather and family went to go and listen to some music tonight at a coffee shop. I am sure they are all having a good time. Both kids took a rest this afternoon so they could stay out late tonight. My headache was too bad to go to choir tonight. I had hoped to be able to go, but I couldn't. We will see what happens on Sunday.
Last night Bill put the breakfast nook together. It is in the family room. I will be able to use it for sewing. I am hoping that Star and I will start sewing together. I still have trouble sewing by myself. I am glad I know how to so. I have made some really nice clothes. I want to start sewing again. I am going to teach Calli how to sew this summer. She is just so busy with school and studying as well as her activities that she doesn't have time. Summer will be here soon enough. Calli and Acer will be very busy in the summer too with all the camps they go to. There are so many things that the Lions Club do for the visually impaired. I donate when the have the fundraising people in the intersections.
I am a bit more achy tonight than usual. My knees have been rather achy a lot lately. I am hoping that with the warmer weather coming I will not have such achy knees. I do have a medium bad headache tonight so I didn't go to choir. I have missed so much church and choir practice. Tomorrow I have Physical Therapy and then a few lessons. Acer will have his and I also have a new little one starting tomorrow. I have all his books so that is good. The one I had to order just came in yesterday so I went and picked it up this afternoon. I also have Ellie's new Hymn Book. I need to email her mom and let her know how much they were. I will do the same for Ryan.
Time to read some more and then off to bed.
Happy Birthday to your mom. She died 'young' just as my mom did, which the anniversary of is on Saturday. You do sound much better in the last few months, I think you must be in a good place spiritually. take care Heather and sleep well.
ReplyDelete