Sunday, February 27, 2011

back from competition

I have been gone since Friday afternoon.  It is now Sunday.  It was a semi fun weekend.  Only semi fun because it was the first one I was at without Momma.  She always came with me.  She loved going to competition with me and listening to the students.  They didn't even have to be mine, she listened to them all.  I was rather glad about that.  It gave us more to bond over.  We were a team.  She collected music afterward and then when we got home she would mark them returned in the library page on the computer and refile them.  It was nice.  I always had my music up to date.  I now longer really hand out too much original music, despite the library system I have, much music is missing and I don't have the money to rebuy most of it.  I just collected a bunch of music from Rachel and Rebecca.  I will get Katie's back next week during her lesson.  Because Rachel and Rebecca no longer have regular lessons, I needed the music right away because last year they didn't have lessons from after competition to Sept for Rachel and to November for Rebecca.  They did pretty well considering the few lessons they had.  However, I do feel Rachel would have won more 1st places had she had more lessons and we could have really polished it.  the judges really nailed her on placement of her voice at times (as they should since this is one of her problems).  I feel I would have really had her ready and have had her placement much better if I had seen her more than 3 times since fall.  I also will not do this again.  Either you have regular lessons or no competition.  It is too frustrating to me and it is unfair not only to me but to the student.  yes, practicing is important, but practicing correctly is more important which is why Rachel didn't do as well as she could have for her last year.  But, with all things considering, she did all right.

Mom's room is almost cleaned.  I caved and agreed to have things sorted.  Things were donated not just sorted.  I walked into her room and the hole just got bigger.  this was why I didn't want her room touched.  I feel like I gave my mom away and tossed her out with her stuff.  I do have the disney stuff and the hoodies left but that is about it.  I am hoping the stuff that was on her dresser is in the drawers like promised but I can't look at them right now.  I knew I wasn't ready but they don't listen to me.  Well, NEVER again.  When I say I am not ready, I mean I am not ready and anyone who doesn't understand, that is too bad.  This has been a very painful lesson to me.  I threw mom's stuff out.  I invaded her privacy and got rid of her stuff.  It is like she never lived in that room.  I feel like I lost her all over again. I know this isn't necessarily rational or even make any sense, but it is how I FEEL.  Letting go of Mom's things is very hard to do.  These are all I have left physically of her.  She touched these things and loved them.  She picked them or was given them as gifts.  Now they are gone like she is.  I have to have something left of my mom's.  I just do.  It means she was really here and not a dream.  It gives me strength to have some of her stuff.  I don't feel as lost.  Now I feel very lost again.  I won't do this with the rest of the house.  I just won't.  I can't take it.  I have to know what everything is and what is happening to it.  It didn't help me at all this.  They thought it would.  I wasn't sure, but I caved because "she is gone and not coming back" was what I was told.  Like I don't know she is gone?  I feel it everyday all day long.  I felt it this whole weekend everywhere I turned.  I had to eat by myself, drive by myself, and do everything by myself.  I know she isn't coming back but that doesn't mean we have to toss her out with her things.  I want part of her with me and her things are a part of her.

I will be seeing the doctor this week about the new pain medicine.  It isn't helping at all and I am having even more trouble sleeping because of the leg pain.  It is mostly the right leg and knee right now.  I have the bankruptcy hearing on Wednesday.  I am driving downtown on Tuesday to check where it is at because I have never been there and I don't know where parking will be or anything.  I don't want to be late on Wednesday.  I am very nervous about this.  I really am.  I do hope everything goes well.

1 comment:

  1. "They" should just butt out and let you grieve on your own terms. Just because you do it at a different pace than they do doesn't mean you are wrong or should be pushed into something you are not ready for. My mom's been gone fifteen years and I still have mementos of her, things she touched and loved, and they still give me comfort.

    I hope things go well for you this week, pain-wise and at the hearing. take care dear one..;j