Friday, March 9, 2012

Is it really morning? 3-9

It is very strange to be up and wide awake at this hour.  I woke up at 6:30 am and I was very thirsty.  I came down had a drink and went back upstairs.  By the time I got up the stairs, I was wide awake so I went back down the stairs.  I am usually only awake at this hour on Sunday since I have to be at church by 7:30 am and I HATE being late, however, today is Friday and not Sunday.  I have no idea why I am awake.  i didn't sleep too great since I had nightmares of someone breaking in my house and hurting my mother.  It is strange when I have these nightmares because when I dream them I am in my old room and not my new room.  I don't know why but that is what happens.  I haven't had these nightmares in a while.  I had them almost every night right after mom passed away for about the first 6 to 7 months but I haven't had them in a while.  In my nightmares I can't call 911 because my phone is too complicated and I can't get it to dial, which is probably why I won't get one of those new smart phones.  I am afraid that in an emergency, I won't be able to dial 911.  I know this is not a rational fear, but it is a fear nonetheless.  I don't have as many fears as I had right after mom passed away, but I still have some fears left over.  Slowly, they are going away too.  God has taken good care of me so far, I can't imagine that he will stop.  He just isn't that type of a God.  I think some of the old fears have come back because of the new car.  My trade in paid for the entire 2 years of my lease and now I am scared I won't be able to afford a car at the end of the lease.  Another irrational fear, I think.  I am doing much better with my money than I ever have, and yet, I still have much more thriftiness to learn but I am learning.  God has been so faithful as He always has been so I have been learning to lean on Him much more than myself.  That was something Mom always tried to teach me.  Mom was a strong woman because she was so strong in her faith.  She knew that God would help her with everything and she lived that way.  Even in the midst of the horrible divorce, she was sure God would be there and He was.  My mom did not falter when it came to keeping us kids, a roof over our heads, and a way for her to make a living.  My father tried to drive her crazy and put her in a mental institution.  He did NOT win on that one.  Now that I am an adult and can look back at what happened, I just don't understand how a man can one day love his family and the next hate them.  I will never understand how he just decided one day he didn't want to be a husband and a father anymore.  Never.  I did learn a really important lesson back then though.  Be a Mommy's girl, not a Daddy's girl because Daddy left and Mommy never did.  I remember being very upset and devastated because I was a daddy's girl.  I was all about my dad unless I was sick, then I wanted Mommy and only Mommy.  After he started moving in and out, I became my mom's girl and there I stayed.  She used to call me her "gal".  I can still hear her asking where her gal is in my mind.  I haven't heard her voice in 16 or so months but in my memory, I can hear her perfectly.  I have several pictures that will be going up of us from the last few years.  I can't find the picture of Mom and I at Kathy's wedding though. Come to think of it, I can't find ANY of the pictures that were professionally taken at Kathy's wedding.  I know that they are in a box in the guest room and that is it.  I want to put up the one with Mom and I, and the one of Kathy and I.  I remember how excited Mom and I were on Kathy's wedding day.  I think my mother was as excited as I was and I was super super excited!  I loved every moment of her wedding.  It was beautiful and she looked so beautiful and happy that day.  I loved her wedding dress too.  It was a rose print white satin dress with long sleeves (she did get married in November).  I remember at her parents' house the photographer fluffing her dress and me giggling.  I had bought Kathy a bride's survival kit that contained a pair of Snoopy and Woodstock undies.  She wore them on her wedding day.  It did have some practical stuff in it too, but I loved that I bought almost ALL of the stuff right in front of her and she had NO clue!  I loved doing that to Kathy.  I could buy her Christmas present or her birthday present right in front of her, she could even pick it out, and she never realized it was for her.  This has been a major fun thing for me over the years.  I used to do that to Mom too.  One year, she tried on 2 pairs of pants at the store and I bought them for her for Christmas.  She couldn't understand how they both fit perfectly on her when she tried them on at Christmas.  Mom had totally forgotten she tried them on in the store!  It was awesome.  The other day was a totally missing mom horribly day when my friend, Vickie, sent me a message over Face book saying she felt that my mom was sending me hugs that day.  It was on her heart to tell me this.  This was on the horrible missing mom day!  How cool was that?  I thought it was really awesome.

Well, I am actually getting a bit hungry so I need to check the milk date to see if it is still good.  Something tells me it isn't though and I will need to run to Walmart to get some for breakfast.  Since I am rarely up this early, I am not sure what time the stores open but I think Walmart is a 24 hour store.  I will check online.  I hope your day is amazing and wonderful!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment