Wednesday, January 26, 2011
A blog I read, a Place called Simplicity, reminded me again today how consumed with fear I am. I have been ever since the start of summer when Mom went downhill. I am literally, at times, consumed by it. I am afraid of so many things now that I am alone and on my own. I am trying to really trust that God will take care of me, and I have much proof that He is, but still I am afraid. I needed new students to pay my bills, I got new students (I got another new one today that will start next week), I needed a way to stay in the house, I am able to stay in the house. I have been afraid to be alone, I now can sleep in the house comfortably alone, yet I am still consumed at times by fear. I need to break the chains of fear. I don't know how other than praying for that which I have done consistently for the last 3 months. I was afraid after Momma passed away I would get sicker than I already am, I didn't get sicker. I was so afraid that I would go into a flare or that the vasculitis that has been dormant for 7 years now, would show up again. It didn't. I have proof after proof that I am not alone, yet still, I am consumed by fear. I am at a loss of how to get out of this fear. I know that fear is not from God, but I can't get up from under it. When I get scared, I go and take a nap because then I don't focus on it. I sleep way to much at times. I am glad that I am getting to teach more lessons because that brings me out of fear while I am teaching and sometimes even after I am done teaching. I am afraid to stop missing Mom because will that mean I will forget Mom? I don't know. I just know I am completely, most of the time, consumed by fear. I need help in breaking this cycle. I have never been such a fearful person as I am right now. I feel like I am walking in mud and fear is holding me back. I don't like this feeling. I want to stop being afraid of everything all the time. I don't remember how to stop being afraid, it has been here since May when I first took Mom to the hospital and it hasn't left me yet. What do I do? I have been praying about it a lot. I ask God to take the fear away every night, and it is still here. I need to stop being afraid and start living again, right now, I am just existing.