Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A realization

A blog I read, a Place called Simplicity, reminded me again today how consumed with fear I am.  I have been ever since the start of summer when Mom went downhill.  I am literally, at times, consumed by it.  I am afraid of so many things now that I am alone and on my own.  I am trying to really trust that God will take care of me, and I have much proof that He is, but still I am afraid.  I needed new students to pay my bills, I got new students (I got another new one today that will start next week), I needed a way to stay in the house, I am able to stay in the house.  I have been afraid to be alone, I now can sleep in the house comfortably alone, yet I am still consumed at times by fear.  I need to break the chains of fear.  I don't know how other than praying for that which I have done consistently for the last 3 months.  I was afraid after Momma passed away I would get sicker than I already am, I didn't get sicker.  I was so afraid that I would go into a flare or that the vasculitis that has been dormant for 7 years now, would show up again.  It didn't.  I have proof after proof that I am not alone, yet still, I am consumed by fear.  I am at a loss of how to get out of this fear.  I know that fear is not from God, but I can't get up from under it.  When I get scared, I go and take a nap because then I don't focus on it.  I sleep way to much at times.  I am glad that I am getting to teach more lessons because that brings me out of fear while I am teaching and sometimes even after I am done teaching.  I am afraid to stop missing Mom because will that mean I will forget Mom?  I don't know.  I just know I am completely, most of the time, consumed by fear.  I need help in breaking this cycle.  I have never been such a fearful person as I am right now.  I feel like I am walking in mud and fear is holding me back.  I don't like this feeling.  I want to stop being afraid of everything all the time.  I don't remember how to stop being afraid, it has been here since May when I first took Mom to the hospital and it hasn't left me yet.  What do I do?  I have been praying about it a lot.  I ask God to take the fear away every night, and it is still here.  I need to stop being afraid and start living again, right now, I am just existing.


  1. Heather,
    You will NEVER forget your mom. I guarantee it. And I went through the fearful stage, too. You just have to learn to NOT keep taking it back from God. Give your fear TO God and let Him KEEP it for you forever. He will do that. You just have to learn to trust Him. Look at all the blessings that are in your life - your family, your friends, new students, you get to stay in your house. All blessings to enjoy, not fear. And don't be afraid that you will stop missing your mom or you will forget her. She is UNFORGETABLE. That's how I think of my mom. And so far, it's working. I pray for you, my friend.

  2. Heather, you will not ever forget your mom..And keep trusting..sounds like the fear has a real you think it would help to talk to a pastor or your doctor about your fears..sometimes just talking about it out loud helps and might get you over that hump...or maybe a medication to tone down that are doing so well you have no idea..

  3. I sometimes get stuck in fear...and I can never really put into words what exactly it is that I fear so much, nevertheless, it remains. It helps sometimes to have someone to talk to and the blog helps me alot. I hope and pray you find the answer and the peace that you need Heather. You have been through so much in this last year and you have survived so many changes, I am sure you will get a handle on this.

    p.s. I sleep a lot too, it's not that I'm tired but it keeps me from dwelling on the what if's. I think it is a normal stage of grieving and the dark days of winter. take care. j

  4. Heather,
    I think I have a pretty good understanding of where you are coming from. That said, I really don't know how to "fix" how your feeling. I do know that, in the big picture, it hasn't really been that long since your mom died. So, I still think what you are feeling is totally normal. Trust me, you will never forget your mom..even when you are feeling like "you've moved on." Don't feel guilt..guilt, like fear, is not from God.
    Hang in there, Heather. You are going to be just fine.

  5. Hi
    Just stopping by to say hi and I'm a new follower