Sunday, November 13, 2011

Sunday 11-13

We are almost in the middle of November.  Wow, how quick did this happen.  Tomorrow I have my girls, Bob, and Isaac.  I am rather exhausted today.  I made it to church though!  Unfortunately, I didn't eat a good enough breakfast so I started to get light headed with the lights by the time we sang our song right before the sermon.  I ended up mouthing some of the words.  It was a great song too.  I hope no one noticed that I didn't sing near the end.  I wasn't sure I would survive at that point.  Finally we were done and we could leave the stage for our seats in the congregation.  I grabbed my coat and went to sit down.  We had a guest minister speaker today.  It was missions weekend.  He was very interesting and it was a good sermon.  I am pretty okay now although I still feel lightheaded at times.  I have been having problems with lightheadedness for a good 2 months now.  I don't really know why.  I have been to the ER about this and there was no conclusive answer.  I truly do not believe it is from dehydration because I have since made sure that I am drinking enough water.  There are days I feel almost waterlogged from drinking so much water and that doesn't seem like it that good.

I am watching Harry Potter number 4, "Goblet of Fire" and Cedric has just been killed.  Ever since Momma passed away I tear up (sometimes even cry) whenever anyone dies whether it is one of my friends' family and friends or even TV and movies.  I teared up when Cedric was killed and I have seen this enough to know that it happens.  I also have read all the books.  Still, anyone dying makes me tear up and sometimes cry.  My cousin just lost her father and she wrote today in her face book that it was time to process and move on.  It has been one week since her father was killed.  When one of my face book friends lost her mother a week later she wrote on face book, time to get back to happiness.  I don't understand how they can so easily go back to the way it was.  How does one process and move on so fast?  Is it because they have families themselves to take care of?  I am still processing and moving on.  I can't say I am back to happiness.  I have better days than I did last year at this time, but there are still days where I miss her so much.  Is it because I took care of her and we were together all the time for the last 5 years?  I don't know.  I just know that a week after I lost Mom, I was still in shock.  Maybe they are still and just don't realize it.  The mysteries of mourning still confuse me.  I get told I am in a depression, yet I don't think I am.  Yes, I am sad at times.  I say I am in mourning, not a depression as if to mourn in these days and times is a bad thing.  I don't think so but in this world it seems at times that mourning is not acceptable, you have to process and move on immediately and not allow yourself to feel the emotions that go with losing a family member or a friend.  That is how it seems in my family.  I remember calling Richard (back when he would actually speak to me) and I was crying.  He was all "you aren't crying are you?" like it was a horrible thing.  I quickly stopped and realized that he doesn't feel the same way I do.  I thought he did, but he had moved on from missing Mom if he ever missed her at all.  I don't think I will ever understand this world that we live in.  My friends who have lost their mothers and were close to them says that the second year is easier.  So far it is a bit.  Last year at this time my chest felt like bricks on it and I don't have that feeling too much anymore.  However, I do miss her as much as I first did when she died.  I don't know, I certainly can't say I have all the answers.

I am glad that I made it to church after missing it last week.  It starts the week off right somehow to me, despite how early I have to get up.  I actually didn't yawn during church, just on the way home where I took a nap right after.  I slept for about 3 1/2 hours before Beth had her lesson.

I do hope you had a good day.

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