Sunday, February 12, 2012

wonderings 2-12

I had such a wonderful day yesterday.  I had a couple of lessons and then headed to Barnes and Nobles to meet up with former students, Kelly Lynn and Star.  I have seen Kelly Lynn a few times as she is a new teacher and has many questions.  It is so exciting to see her all grown up and a teacher.  I was her first piano and voice teacher.  Star, I haven't seen since 2001 although I have spoke with her on face book.  The lovely thing about face book, reconnecting with people!  I arrived after them but not too late.  We had such a good time.  As a matter of fact the first time we looked at the time, it was 7:40 pm!  Yes, 5 hours after we arrived!  Well, we continued to talk and talk and talk.  We ended up closing the store at 11 pm.  So all in all, we were there visiting for 8 1/2 HOURS!  Talk about an amazing time.  Both girls have grown up to be simply wonderful young women as they are 24 and 25 respectively.  I am so thankful that I was a part of their childhoods.  I really am.  I have been so blessed to have worked with so many wonderful students over the last 25 years.  We three are planning a movie night together.  There are a couple of movies that we want to see so we are going to see them together.  I am so thankful I was with them yesterday.

On thing has been bothering me for the last 16 months.  Some days I feel I am doing pretty well going through the grieving process but other days I feel like I am sinking.  I am not lonely in general, I am lonely for Momma.  You might say I am homesick for my mother.  What question that constantly goes through my head is how to I want to want to go on.  Some days getting up is so hard because I just want to hide under the covers.  I find myself wishing that today or tonight, depending on what time of day it is, to die that night.  How do you want to want to get up in the morning?  How do you want to want to live a long and successful life?  I don't know.  I really don't.  This is very hard to admit for me.  I don't feel like I am suicidal or anything like that.  I do know Mom wanted me to have a good life and be successful.  She was proud that I was a teacher and loved listening to my students whether it was at their lessons, competition, or recitals.  I am not thinking of ways to kill myself.  Nothing like that.  I just don't know how to start wanting to want to live without my mother.  Will this come too after more time?  I don't have as many days with the physical pain of missing her.  I can talk about her now without crying, although sometimes I do still cry, but they are few.  Like I said, I don't feel lonely in general, just lonely for Momma.  I do do things that I enjoy and can find enjoyment in them such as visiting with friends, reading, watching TV and movies.  Once I am up and awake, I do okay during the rest of my day.  I enjoy my lessons.  I do love teaching.  I do have to write down everything that I plan to teach for the students, but I have been doing that for years so this is nothing new for me.

Anyways, Law and Order: SVU is on.  It is a marathon.  I love these marathons.  I hope you are having a good day.

1 comment:

  1. that's an interesting question. I understand being lonely for your mother and I don't think you are contemplating suicide but as time goes on there is that lingering question. You have such a passion for your students and you have some lovely friends could it be that the nights are just so difficult? I don't think I could bear the nights, I hate being alone. Have you considered getting a roommate?