Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The anniversary

I was afraid of this date, very afraid of today but it isn't as bad as I thought.  It has been a year since Mom passed away.  I miss her as much as I did the day she passed away but I think I am better at coping with the grief.  There are times I feel paralyzed from it, but there are more days that are okay than not okay.  I am going to look into a support group.  I think I need a bit of help with coping with the paralyzing days.  I am thankful that I teach at least 5 to 6 days a week and some weeks everyday.  It helps me get my day going and organized.  I need the busyness of teaching not only because I love teaching so much, but it also gives me something to focus on.  Right now I am trying to get all the Christmas music together for everyone.  Almost everyone has their songs.  There are only a few students who don't and they will be choosing this week.  I am not completely not looking forward to the holidays this year.  As I don't particularly care for Halloween, I will either go out for the evening by myself or hide in the house like I did last year.  For Thanksgiving, if my cousin comes, I will cook dinner for us otherwise I hope to be at Kathy's parents house with Kathy and her family.  I am so thankful that her parents include me in the holidays.  I have known them most of my life since Kathy and I have been friends for 40 (yup, I said 40 and we are only 43) years it is like a second family to me.  I do plan to be with Kathy and family at her parents for Christmas too.  I had a good time last year and I enjoy being with her and her family so it is a good place to be.  It is nice because I think that Mom would be happy that I go there for the holidays.  Competition is still kind of weird as mom went with me every year but one since I started teaching.  She even came to several of my competitions when I was competing.  I remember the first one so well.  I was singing for the competition.  I was only 17 and it was my 2nd dance competition ever.  Mom drove me there (not that that was unusual) and I was sitting with her and the rest of my dance studio.  I had rather long hair and it was in a ponytail for the number that I was going to perform.  My dance teacher had a bad habit (as many do) of finding fault with every number but her own students.  It wasn't very nice but I didn't really think about it.  Usually I didn't say anything but this one number I made a comment.  All of a sudden my head snapped back and I was being pulled by my mother.  She heard my comment.  It wasn't super rude, but it shouldn't have been said.  It was not nice or appropriate.  Mom took me by the hair until we went outside so she could speak with me privately.  She didn't pull that hard, but she did get my attention, which was her goal.  Anyways, needless to say, I NEVER said anything rude, inappropriate or mean again at any performance whether it was a concert or a competition.  It got to the point that I started sitting away from my studio and dance teacher as once I realized what was being said, I just didn't want people to think I said those things too.  When I took students myself from the studio, we generally sat a few rows away from the rest of the studio.  Also I would talk to my students about what is nice and not nice to say.  Basically, I enforce the old "if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing" approach.  I to this day enforce that.  I only have one student's grandmother who needs to learn this because there are times I cringe when she speaks during competition.  It is quite embarrassing to the student too because she does know that it is mean to say what her grandmother says.  I won't every forget that moment with Mom though.  Ponytails come in handy to get a daughter's attention don't they?  Mom was there when I won 4th place overall in the competition the last year I competed myself.  She also took me to the nationals that summer and once again I won my category and I won 4th place overall.  We had a good time at competitions.  When I started going to AGM and then MMA, Mom went with me.  She always called herself my assistant.  It was great.  She would be in charge of music and getting it back from students so that I can do whatever duties I needed to do.  I do miss having my assistant at competitions.  Going by myself is not quite the same.

I do hope that this coming year is not so hard.  I am busier than I was when Momma first passed away.  I only had a few students and now I have a few more.  I did have my disability, but I can't pay all my bills just on my disability.  I am capable of working part time, full time no way.  That won't happen and I don't expect it to happen anytime in the future.  I have about 25 students with some every week, some every other week, and 4 once a month.  It is enough to keep me a bit busy and it is enough to pay the bills.  I have room for a few more students, but not too many.  I am happy with what I have right now.

I did have a few lessons today as usual.  Brooke started her lessons with me.  She has had one lesson, but that was more of a trial lesson.  She is a very nice girl.  Her sister will start with me on Thursday after Breanna's lesson.  It will be funny because Breanna will have her lesson and then Brianne will have hers.  After Brooke was Aaiyanna's lesson, and finally, Charlie with his lesson.  Charlie did an hour lesson this week and will do an hour next week too because we have one more lesson to make up.  It will work out really well because we have plenty of music to work on.  Brooke picked her Christmas songs this afternoon.  I have her in the piano/vocal Christmas book because it is harder.  It is the way the music was originally written and not made easier.  She was happy that I did that.  I asked her if easy piano would be good for her sister and she said yes.  I thought so and I am pleased that I have picked the right book for her.  Aaiyanna finished a few songs and is doing very well with her Christmas music.  I picked a bit of a hard one for her and she is doing really good.  She loves "Sleigh Song" and I know she practices a lot on that one.  I made the right decision in copying her music and putting it in a binder.  It is definitely better for her because she would have like 5 different books right now.  With her being so young, only 7, that is a lot of books for her to carry.  Only about 3 students have not picked Christmas Songs.

I am watching NCIS right now and then I will watch NCIS Los Angeles.

Overall, it hasn't been too sad a day.  It is better than I expected.  I have had some tears, but I expected that.  I can't believe it has been a year.  I wish she were here but I am thankful she is in Heaven without Alzheimer's Disease.  I wouldn't want her to be here and suffer that I wouldn't want but I do wish she were here.  I miss both the Mom she was before Alzheimer's and the Mom she became with Alzheimer's.  I do think that if she were still here at this point she would be a vegetable and bedridden.  I am thankful that I didn't have to see her lose her smile or for her to be bedridden despite how much I miss her.  I am also thankful for the amount of time I was able to spend with her.  My brothers did not get to spend the time with her that I did.  I feel bad that they missed so much time with her.  My friends and their children knew my mother better than her own children (except me) and grandchildren.  I wish they had the chance to spend the amount of time with her as I did.  I think they would have had a good time and a chance to see mom as a person not just as a mother.  Mom and I were more than just mother and daughter, we were also good friends.  I would have to say that she was one of my best friends.

I hope you are having a good day.


  1. Cherish your memories. It does get better.

  2. it's always hard to lose your best friend and I can tell that your mom and yourself were the best of friends. She is with you, in your heart and your wonderful memories. I'm glad you had a better day. It really does get better...never easy...just different.