Wednesday, June 1, 2011

It's June!

It's June!  It is hard to believe that it is, but it is.  Today is beautiful out with a nice cool breeze unlike the really hot day we had yesterday.  This is nice springy type weather that I love.  The sun is out and the temperature is beautiful.  I do hope the A/C on but it isn't running right now since the house is now cool enough.

As usual, I am exhausted today and I haven't done anything yet except eat lunch!  I am waiting for Bob to call to tell me he is on his way.  He is waiting for a repair person to come and fix something in the house.  It is looking like we may be having his lesson tomorrow instead which will work for me if it works for him.  Either way works for me.  I don't have Breanna tomorrow again as she is trying very hard to finish up the school year.  She is homeschooled and does a lot of schooling online.  It is pretty neat because when she finishes she will also have college credit too.  That is pretty neat, I think.

Other than lessons not too much going on here.  I was recently reading a year ago's posts.  Boy it is hard to believe what was going on a year ago.  Mom was still here (wish she still was) but she was in the nursing home for rehab.  That, clearly, was a mistake on my part.  No, I don't think it would have ultimately changed her future, but she may have been lesson scared and upset for 2 1/2 weeks and that is something.  She may have been able to be more with it for the summer.  I remember taking care of her with almost everything.  At that point she had slid into stage 6 of Alzheimer's.  We would go to my Uncle's so he could see her and so could my brother.  Most of the time she did well, only near the end was it hard on the little lady.  It hurts at times to think back of how her last summer was.  I know at times I was not patient, and a little upset at things, but I did try to take good care of her.  I really did try.  My one brother wants me to only look forward and not look back at all.  How can I do that when looking ahead means living without Momma?  I do try but sometimes it is overwhelming to think I have a life without her.  I can't even begin to imagine my world where she is not there.  I don't get as upset as I did. I often wonder how my friends do this.  How do you look forward to a world with out the person you love?  Mothers are so important and I do get upset at how some people don't take good care of their moms.  I wonder if they realize that someday that mom will not be there and then what will they do?  I miss mine all the time.  I have friends who miss their moms all the time too and it has been years.  how do they do it?  Is it easier if you have a family of your own?  I don't know.  I don't have a family of my own.  My extended family gets upset with me because I miss her so much at times.  My brothers get upset too but none of these people lived with her and were her caregiver.  Is it harder because I was the caregiver?  I loved taking care of Mom.  I know when I was younger and even a few years ago declared that if she needed 24/7 care then she would have to go into a home.  Well, we all know that when she needed the care she stayed with me and I did it.  It didn't bother me like I imagined it would  I can't imagine not taking care of her.  We still had good chuckles last summer even though her memory was practically gone.  Most of the time she knew me although the few times she didn't it broke my heart.  She called out for Richard and Andrew and sometimes I was able to have them call her.  Even the day we brought to the hospital for the last time she was asking where my brothers were.  The hospice nurse and I just told her they had to go home.  She seemed fine with that.  Today is just a sad day for me, I think in general.  I miss my old life and want to go back to it.  I had to call yet another doctor who just sent me his bill for Mom to tell him Mom is gone.  I think that is what brings it all back.  The reality of having to tell people she is gone.  It makes me sad and cry.  I want my mom back.


  1. Honey my heart goes out to you and your sadness! I am sending you a gentle hug since I know those of us with Fibro can't take much pressure! Blessings for a better day tomorrow...Bevie

  2. I'm so sorry. But looking forward to the future is possible, because she's always with you. She made you the person you are, and in that way she's part of you. We live on in the people whose lives we touch.

    That doesn't take the pain away though. Thinking of you. And don't beat yourself up over what you would do if you had the time over. You had her best interests at heart, and that's what counts. Hindsight is 20/20. Thinking of you.