Tuesday 11-30

It is the last day of November, a month I used to dislike because it wasn't sunny out too much.  Now it is just a lonely month.  I can't believe it is almost December.  I am hoping to be with Richard in a few weeks. I really am, otherwise I don't know what I will do on Christmas.  I need to be with the big brother.  It's just the way it is.  I need to be with him.  He is missed and so is his family.  I don't know if he knows what he is doing for that Holiday though.  He didn't answer my email, so I don't know.  I plan to call him after the interview today at 1:30 pm to let him know how it went.  15 more minutes and my interview will start.  I hope they call on time.  I hate being late.  I have the phone all charged and everything waiting for them.

I was supposed to have 2 lessons today, but Dawson is ill, so he will have a make-up later this week.  Poor guy, it's tough to be ill, although the missing school part is probably not the worst for him.  I used to love missing school.  I hated school with a passion.  It was just plain awful.  I remember one time, I forgot my house key and I went home early because I was ill.  I had to go up to the high school to get Richard to get his key.  It happened to be one of the days he was there.  He told the principal he should go home and take care of his little sister.  Yeah, he made me soup, tucked me into bed and then went out with his friends.  Well, I was taken care of.  I fell asleep and he was gone.  I probably would have done the exact same thing if I was him.

I am copying all the bills for the lawyer tomorrow.  I will be heading up to Speedy printing to take care of it after the interview (which is supposed to last about 1/2 hour).  I am almost done copying everything.  I came home to get ready for the interview.  I am excited about this.  First interview I have done in about 9 years so I am a bit nervous too.  I will let you know how I do after the interview which should be any minute now.  It is almost 1:30 pm.  I am also nervous they will forget to call.  I would hope not, but one never knows in this society.

I got the job!!!!  Yes, I now also teach for Takelessons.com.  It doesn't pay as much as my students pay me but that is okay.  They do all the work getting the student and I teach.  It is fair.  At the studio we paid rent so I am used to it.  It is a bit less that I am used to, but that is alright.  I don't mind or I wouldn't have taken the job.  I need a total of 10 new students to make the house bills and my bills work.  I am not sure when I will have that many new students, but I am praying a lot about it.  I am short with just the disability and really need the money to pay all my bills.  I don't have that many, but disability isn't quite enough to live on right now.  In February, Medicare kicks in so that helps a lot.  It is just getting there between now and February.  I can get help to pay the electricity and heat if necessary, but who knows if I will need it.  Right now I am just praying for help and so far, I must say, He has been helping.  Richard is very proud of me.  He said so.  He was so excited that I got the position.  I was very pleased.  I do hope that I don't need another job on top of this one.  I really do because I would like to put my time into teaching since that is what I love to do.

Anyways, it has been an exciting day over.  I finished the paperwork, I have copied the bills, and I got a new position, just need the students to go with it.  I didn't get a chance to ask Richard about Christmas, it is looking like I will be in town for it.  I am disappointed with that.  I hope I get to go.

I hope your day is going well too.  Pain level isn't too bad either, so that is good, especially since it is raining.

Monday 11-29

Seems weird that November is almost over.  I can't believe it.  Sometimes, time flies, other times is crawls.  I can't believe it has been 7 weeks since I last spoke to Mom and 6 weeks since she died.  I am doing alright with it.  Sometimes I cry, mostly I don't.  I am just very sad most of the time.  I don't really enjoy a whole lot of stuff right now, but I am not expecting myself too though either.  I know that I will miss Mom a lot for a while, and then I will just miss her less as time goes on.  I never gave it any thought about life without Mom, I lived in a bubble.  I just expected my Mom to be there always.

It isn't so bad today.  I had a sad moment when I realized that it has been 6 weeks since I last saw her alive, but it didn't last too long.  I wonder how many more Mondays will the thoughts of Mom cross my mind?  I don't mean for it too, but it does.  I just miss the little lady a lot, even the one she turned into with Alzheimer's.  I wish Lily could have known her when she was very healthy and herself.  I am glad that Lily, Emily, and Elyse all got to know her, even if she did have Alzheimer's, but I wish they could have seen the vibrant woman she was.  She was something, let me tell you.  She was a pistol.  She laughed a lot with me.  She was very funny.  In July, when we went to see Kathy, a bit of her came out because all of a sudden Kathy looked at Mom and asked, "Are you teasing me?"  Mom smiled and nodded.  That was Mom.  She never teased meanly though, never.  She would do gently teasing because she knew that teasing could get out of hand.  She was just so much fun at times.  Yes, there were times when she wasn't, but overall, she was a lot of fun.  I have more pictures of her to scan and post.  I can't wait to do them.  I know we have more, I just have to find them.

Lily is possibly coming next weekend to decorate the house.  I am not sure exactly what we are going to do, but I know we aren't doing the outside, because I don't have the lights and I don't have the money for the electricity either so no outside lighting this year.  Perhaps another year I will, but this year is a minimum year due to the mourning I am in.  I don't wish to make mourning an excuse for anything, but I am not sure I am ready for over the top decorating I like to do.  We shall see.

I had 4 lessons today.  It was great.  I have the appointment for the lawyer on Wednesday at 11 am.  Julie, like I have said, will be coming with me.  I am excited to be so close to finishing up this.  I really am.  It has been a long 2 1/2 years that I have been working on this.  I need this to be so over so that I can move on from it.

Tomorrow is the phone interview with the other studio.  I do hope to impress them and do well.  I really need new students in order to pay my bills.  Yes, I know I have to trust that God will provide and show me the way, but so far, I think this is it.  The first parts went so smoothly so I am hopeful.  If it doesn't work out, we shall see what else is out there.

I hope your day is going well.  I am sad today.  I was fine while people are here, but I am sad when they all go home.  I am still getting used to being on my own.  It will get easier I am sure, it is just hard right now, it has only been 6 weeks.  I wonder how the boys are doing with this?

Sunday 11-28

I had lunch with Kathy today.  It was fun.  We went to one of our usuals, Red Lobster for their soup and salad combo.  It is so yummy.  Fresh shrimp on the salad, romaine lettuce (I can't eat the iceberg so I always ask for no iceberg lettuce on all my salads), cucumbers, what can I say?  The soup in a bread bowl! Yeah, just simply scrumptious!  Kathy and I always end up getting the same thing, rather weird how we have always done that, but we do.  Almost everywhere we go we get the same thing most times.  We have very similar tastes!  We do like a lot of the same things.  After lunch we went to Walmart's. I now have most of my shopping done!  Yup, I am rather glad about that.  I just have 3 more things to buy and I am done.  Richard, Jennifer and 1 more and that is it.  I also picked up a gravy boat.  Ours died many years ago unfortunately, now I have one.  I am actually very thrilled about it.  It was $5 and it is white so it goes with any set of dishes.  I don't like using measuring cups for gravy.  It is just tacky, but when you don't have a gravy boat, what can you do?  Not much, that is for sure but now I have one and that is great!

I am working on copying the rest of the paperwork for  the lawyer for the bankruptcy.  I can't wait to get this over with.  This will be the last of the remnants of the store stuff.  A new beginning with better results, I hope.  I have someone coming with me so that I have another set of ears listening to what I am being told and the answers to my questions.  I have ever so many in my head that I hope I remember them all.  I have a friend who has a few too.  I am thankful for that.

I was really missing Mom last night after everyone left.  I had a few tears because I was alone again.  Not so many tears today, almost in the car with Kathy, but I held them back after a few seconds.  I am trying to find my purpose in life now that Mom is gone.  I loved taking care of her, I really did.  I lived for that at times.  I felt important and now I don't feel so important.  Actually, I don't feel important at all right now.  I haven't since I finished taking care of stuff for Mom.  The hours that I teach I feel purposeful, but not the rest of the day, then I feel unimportant and no purpose.  I don't like this feeling.  I have to find a new purpose for the rest of my day, but I haven't yet.  It is very slow progress.  Sometimes I feel like I make some, then I feel I haven't made any.  I do hope that soon I will feel like I have made much progress and find a new purpose in life because right now, I don't feel like I have one right now.

Pain level is a bit high this afternoon for my headache this afternoon.  My neck is a bit stiff too for some odd reason.  I don't usually have a neck ache but I do today.  I think I am just stressed.  I hope your day is better.

Saturday 11-27

Cathy left this afternoon about 2ish.  Hayley arrived at about 1 and left about 4ish.  It was so fun to have Cathy here for the week.  I enjoyed the afternoon with Hayley.  It was very nice.  I am looking forward to see Kathy H tomorrow.  I pick her up and then off to brunch we go!  What fun that will be.  She will be going home tomorrow afternoon so I will only get her for a few hours, but that is okay.  I will take what I can get.

My cousins are going to my Uncle's next week too.  I am very excited about it.  I haven't had a family together with this much family except for the funeral and the burial services and that was the first time in months.  The first time in years was Mom's birthday party.

Cathy and I talked so much while we were together.  It was great to have someone to talk to that is easy going mostly.  She talked about taking my time going through Mom's stuff and not rushing into anything.  I agree.  That is what I am going to do.  I plan to start going through Mom's room in January.  I am going to take care of clothes first and then finish with what is in her drawers.  Some of the stuff that is in there is actually mine.  I need to put her bed back together with the mattress off the floor.  We moved the mattress off of the bed frame for safety for the little lady.  She needed to be lower to the bed since she had a hard time getting in her bed after a while.  Couldn't have her lying on the floor which is where I found her 2 times before we moved the mattress.  Bob was generous enough to help me.  I will clean out the end of her bed first.  There are boxes of clothes on her bed right now that I need to check and make sure nothing of mine is in there.  I don't think there is, but you never know.

I miss her so much sometimes that it still hurts.  It isn't such the gut wrenching pain that I had when she first passed away, but it is still enough to bring up tears at times.  I wrote out all the thank you notes yesterday.  I cried for the first few I did because I was sad I had to do them, I was sad at the reason I had to do them.  I mean, I want my mom. plain and simple.  At least I am comforted that I will see her again someday and then we will be together and never parted again.  She is waiting for me.  The lady at Tim Horton's told me she was so sorry about my mom.  She hasn't seen me since my mom passed so she couldn't tell me.  I think she is the owner's aunt.  She is a very nice lady.  I had tears in my eyes because I still choke up when someone tells me how sorry they are.  I don't mind though because I would rather Mom not be forgotten.  She never will by me.

All in all, it was an enjoyable week and I am so glad my cousin, Cathy was able to come and that my cousin, Hayley was able to come today.  I hope your day is good too.

the day after Thanksgiving

I survived Thanksgiving without the little Momma.  Yup, Cathy and I had a enjoyable time.  It was very nice.  I am very glad she is here.  She went shopping last night and this morning while I slept.  I don't like shopping and I can't stand in lines, so no real shopping for me.  Unless I have my scooter or they have one, forget about it, can't really do it.

I made Cornish hens for dinner last night.  We demolished those right up.  We each had one.  Boy were they good.  They were still a bit frozen so I had to cook them a bit longer and then I had to microwave them at the very end.  Next time, I will do the water way of thawing those type birds.  Lately, the last few times I made them we had this issue.  I don't get it.  You have to thaw them in the fridge, which I did, I pulled them out on Monday and they were still frozen by Thursday.  Whatever, they are gone now.  I also made a cake for dessert.  We have plenty left over for today and tomorrow.  We also had the usual, stuffing, veggies, and mashed potatoes.  I did buy scalloped potatoes, but changed my mind on that.

I can't wait to find out what all Cathy got shopping.  I am sure she will let me know when she wakes up.  I am not waking her as she was awake all day yesterday and all night last night.  I got up at 5:30 to visit mother nature and she wasn't back yet, so you know she must be exhausted.  She has a long drive home tomorrow too, so she needs her sleep.

I am missing Mom a lot today, I did yesterday too.  It seems rather unfair that I should be here having a nice Thanksgiving and she isn't here to enjoy it with us.  So unfair.  I hope this Holiday season isn't too bad for me.  I feel kind of weepy this afternoon.  I just miss her so much.  My companion is gone as well as my mother.  I don't know how my friends who have lost their moms do it, but I will learn I suppose.

We did see Harry Potter yesterday.  It was good.  I wasn't as thrilled about it as I was before Mom died, but that is to be expected, I think.  It was an enjoyable movie.  We both liked it.  What we both didn't like is we have to wait until summer to see the rest.  Unfair!  Although, I agree, it had to be split or you would miss so much.  I really do think they should have split books 4, 5, and 6 also as they were big too and you missed a lot in the movies.

Pain hasn't been too bad with the weather getting colder.  I am hopeful it will stay this way.  Today, though, I have a bad headache.  I took a pain pill so I hope it works soon because it is really bad.

I hope your day is good.

Day Before Thanksgiving

I went to Lily's school for Grandparents/Special Friends Day.  It was a cool, fun experience.  First we were in her classroom and we filled in a sheet talking about when we were in 7th grade.  Boy, it is hard remembering that long ago.  We wrote about our classes we had, what music we listened to, who were the stars of the day, what was technology like (no cell phones or VCR or DVDs), and what TV shows were like.  I vaguely remember watching Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons, Fantasy Island, and the Love Boat.  We watched those regularly, rare did we miss them because, if you did, you missed the forever.  Well, not now of course, but back then you did.  I only remembered one singer from junior high days and that was Pat Benatar.  I remember really liking her.  Kathy got her record for Christmas one year, I remember and we listened to it all the time.  Then we went to the science room for an experiment.  That was cool.  The kids had did this particular one yesterday.  We made brass.  We took a copper penny and put zinc on it and then heated it up.  It changed into brass.  It was really cool and Lily did everything expertly.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I am glad my cousin, Cathy is here for the week, although I am missing some yummy homemade food from Julie.  Another time.  She has been with me since Monday and it is nice to have someone here who doesn't have expectations of me.  We have talked a lot, especially about Mom.  She has done a bit of shopping too.  She is shopping right now.  She should be back soon which is good since I am really hungry and am waiting to go to Tim Horton's.  I am simply really hungry right now.  I won't see Kathy until Sunday which is fine, it fits her schedule.  She wants to see a movie too so that will be fun.  I think Cathy and I are going to see a movie tomorrow in the early afternoon.  I am so tired right now I could nap.  Getting up early 2 days in a row is exhausting.  I just woke up early yesterday, I don't know why.  I did sleep better since someone else was in the house with me.  I wasn't really tired all day yesterday but I am today.  I got up even earlier today.  Maybe I will take a nap while I wait for Cathy to arrive.  We shall see.

I am missing Mom a lot today.  I had to turn off the Christmas CD in the car I was listening too.  I couldn't do it.  I don't think I will have Christmas music on this year.  It makes me too sad.  Maybe a different day would be okay, but not today.

My friend, Stacey posted that today was the 9th anniversary of losing her Mom.  9 years, that is simply awful.  I can't even imagine.  She takes care of her Dad, he has Alzheimer's like Mom did only he is in the early stages.

I haven't heard from Richard so I don't know if I am going for Christmas yet or not.  I also haven't heard from the marketing company yet either.  I will follow up on that next week since it will be two weeks at that point.  Maybe I should submit another application and resume.  Hard to say what to do.

I hope your day is good.

more pictures to show of us.

me, Mom, Andrew in 1979

My Friends, Donna, Julie, Me, Mom at my birthday 1993

Me, Cinderella, Mom in 2008.  We had dinner with Cinderella to celebrate all of our birthdays.  Since I turned 40 that year, and was in the hospital on my birthday, I chose to celebrate it in Disney.

Andrew, Mom, Me in 1974 at Algonquin Park in Ontario.  Richard was on the trip too, but I think he took the picture.  Aren't I funny waving to him?

My favorite picture of Mom and I.  We have the same smile in this picture.  Mom always said I was her carbon copy.  It's kind of the family joke.  When I was younger, my brothers would always say, you aren't mom when I tried to tell them what to do.

Me, Richard, Mom around 1996 at Christmas 

Mom in Woodsleigh in Prince Edward Island.  Mom and I had a blast going to the land of Anne of Green Gables, my favorite series and the birthplace of Lucy Maud Montgomery, my favorite author.  We had so much fun on our two week trip.  I had always hope we would go back, but someday I will.

Mom and I in Mexico in 2003.  We went on a cruise to three ports on the west side of Mexico.  It was a really good trip.  Our trips usually were fun as we had so much in common.  When we went on vacation together you never know what would happen.

I started going on vacations with Mom when I came home from the 4th or 5th trip I went on with my friends and cried.  Most of the vacations I went with my friends, I cried when I got home.  My Mom asked if I would consider going on vacation with her.  I said okay, very skeptically.  The first one we went on to the Wisconsin Dells and the House on the Rock.  Mom had been there before and really wanted me to see the house on the rock.  It was the coolest thing ever.  The house was actually built on a rock.  It had the most amazing rooms as they were filled with instruments that were played automatically by robot type things.  It was just awesome.  It was the beginning of me getting sick, so walking was a bit hard as we had to walk up hill through out the house.  We were gone for about 10 days and I didn't cry once.  It was great.  We had a wonderful time.  We laughed so much and just talked about everything.  There wasn't anything I couldn't tell her.  She kept all my confidences too.  She never told a soul about anything I said.

I have more pictures that have been found that need to be scanned.  I will start this weekend after my cousin leaves to go home.  I plan to do more next week while I finish the paperwork that needs to be finished too.  I plan to finish the paperwork on Sunday so that I can make an appointment for next week to get this all taken care of.

I hope you had a good day.

fighting with the insurance day

I called the homeowner's insurance yesterday because they cancelled our policy.  When I called to tell them about Mom's death, they said all I had to do was send in her certificate and a copy of the trust and they would just switch names on the policy.  Well, apparently not.  They have totally cancelled.  Now I had thought that it was cancelled already, but apparently I do have some time.  It doesn't cancel until December 20, so yeah, for that.  So I called the insurance agent because the quote I got from the company was really high, like triple what I paid with the little lady here.  It is amazing how much stuff has to be done because my little Momma has gone.  If I wished she were here then, you can only imagine how much I wish she were here now!  So the agent is going to shop around and see about what prices we can get.  I hope to get something shortly that isn't too expensive.  Ugh, this is a nightmare that keeps on going at times.

I have to pick up 2 more certificates for Mom because I don't have any left.  I should have gone with my first instinct which was to get 4, it would have been much cheaper than getting more now and they would be paid for!

Cousin Cathy is here.  We were up until after midnight last night.  Yup, little me was up that late.  We were talking, using the computer (she brought hers to keep in contact with her children), and all around doing fine.  I would say I am enjoying myself as best as I can.  She doesn't expect me to be the happy go lucky girl I once was, which is a nice relief.  She doesn't expect me to be over my mom yet.  She wants me to take my time and do things at my own pace.  What a relief!  I don't have to put on the fake happy face.  I can be myself.  Sometimes when I am out, I feel I have to put on the fake happy face.  We are heading out in a few to go to the usual and also to Verizon Wireless to change over the account to my name only from mom's name.

I got up earlier than usual today despite my late night going to bed.  I have to get up early tomorrow because I am going to Lily's school.  Should be a good time.  I am looking forward to it.  Then who knows what Cathy and I will be doing.  She wants to do a bit of shopping for Christmas.  I already have William and Abigail's presents ready.  They just have to be shipped.  I have to get 2 gift certificates for Richard and Jennifer to add to the package, but other than that I am almost done.  The last thing I need to get are the gifts for my students.  Generally, I make their presents, some sort of homemade ornaments for them, but this year I am just not up to it.

Well, we are on our way out!  It should be a good day.  I do have 2 students later!!!!

Monday 11-22

My cousin, Cathy is on her way to see me!  I am so excited about that!  She is planning to be here for the rest of the week.  I only have a few lessons during the week so it will work out well.  I also will be at Lily's school for Wednesday morning.

For Thanksgiving I am making Cornish hens.  Ooh, I have to take them out of the freezer.  Be right back.  There, it is done.  I have been meaning to do that for about 40 minutes now.  Silly me, I would think about it, then think, just a minute, and then forget again.  Now it is all taken care of.  I bought the veggies, mashed potatoes (Bob Evans pre-made brand), and stuffing.  I bought cake mix to make the dessert.  I don't particularly like pumpkin pie, its okay, but not my favorite.  It was a favorite with mom, that is for sure, but not me.  Often, she would eat the entire thing in a few days.  I would cut big pieces for her as she was so small and would eat them.  I am both excited and sad about this holiday.  Excited, because my cousin I haven't seen in a long time (outside of the funeral and burial) will be here, and sad, because my mom isn't going to be here.  She loved the holidays and really made a big deal out of them.  She was just like a little girl with how excited she got.  When I was younger, they weren't too fun for me as she would expect a lot of me, but as I grew into adulthood and we talked about it, they became just as fun for me as they did for her, especially Christmas.  I did have the holidays planned for the year, I was so hoping Mom would last through them, although we know she didn't.  I am going to put up my little tree on Friday and decorate it with all my little Disney character ornaments.  They are so cute.  The are actually too big for this little tree, but since both Mom and I loved them so much, I have to put them up.  I don't really care that they are too big, it doesn't bother me at all and I don't care if it bothers anyone else.

I sent an email to Richard yesterday, I hope he answers it today.  Actually, the poor guy got 2 from me.  One asking about Christmas and the other asking about reviewing my resume.  I put it in a new format that I like much better and I am hoping for better results.  I have already thought of a couple of things I need to change to improve it.  I decided I am going to try for a corporate training job at Oracle (one that doesn't say you need to stand for extended periods of time) after all.  You never know, I might get one.  I am hopeful about it.  But I won't know if I don't try.  That is the bottom line of this.  I have to try.  So I am  going to try.  I am also going to look at other places too, not just Oracle.  I know they are hiring because I have checked out the job search already.  I am also waiting to hear back from the job I applied at last week.  I don't know how to follow up yet, but I will next week, if I don't hear from them.  It is weird in this new way of hiring.  HR people get bombarded by resumes and a computer program picks out the best ones.  That is just weird to me because they are missing so much.  A computer program can't really tell who is going to be good and who isn't.  I just need the interview!  That's all!

Anyways, my student should be here any minute now.  I wonder if he knows of any place that is hiring part time.  I certainly can use the job!

Thankful

Thanksgiving is coming up and every year Mom would ask, what are you thankful for?  We didn't do this the last few years as Mom was to ill to take part, but I want to do it this year.

For one thing, I am thankful that I had a Mom like I did.  She was a great Mom, even when she was sick with Alzheimer's.  When I was younger we didn't get along too well because I was a teenager and thought she just didn't understand me.  Looking back, yeah, I am surprised I survived being a teenager.  I was very angry because I felt that Mom couldn't control the boys so she was a control freak on me.  I now, of course, realize that she was just terrified that I would go down the same path as my brothers and she had such a hard time with them.  It broke her heart that her boys hurt so much that they thought drugs was the answer. How awful for a parent to watch her children go where she can't help them.  It was hard on me too, because they were so hurt and angry that I didn't connect with them either.  I felt at the time, Mom should have realized I would never do what they did because I could see how bad it was.  But, I imagine as a Mom, it was very hard for her and she lived in fear.  Fortunately, both boys have straightened themselves out and are back to being themselves again.  Richard is very successful and has a beautiful family, Andrew is just finishing school for a career he will be great in, I think.

I am also thankful for Mom because when I started to get very sick, no one knew what was wrong with me.  I had my first flare up at 17 years old.  I was a junior in high school and missed pretty much the last 6 weeks of school due to pain from Fibro.  Mom took me to the doctor but they couldn't find anything wrong.  Fortunately, the flare up ended by the end of summer and I could start my senior year.  When I was in my 20s I got sick again, only this time, it never ended.  I have been ill for over 20 years now.  I am only 42 years old.  Mom came with me time and time again to see doctor after doctor.  Like so many of us, they couldn't find out what was wrong.  I got told that it was all in my head, (like so many others that I know), I even got told I was emotionally disturbed and needed mental health help for that.  We left that office rather quickly and Mom complained to the AMA about that doctor.  Then in 2003, I came down with vasculitis.  Vasculitis is very painful, worse at times than my fibro.  It is when the blood vessels inflame.  It takes about 3 to 4 months to recover and most people start one episode as soon as the other is over.  I got lucky, mine went away and hasn't been back.  We went to the Cleveland Clinic in January of 2004 to see the specialist about vasculitis.  Mom came with me.  The Cleveland Clinic encourages families to come with you.  I wish my brother, Richard would have come too.  That was when I was finally diagnosed with fibro, in January of 2004.

Overall, Mom had been an important part of my life for all of my life.  Maybe if I wasn't sick I would have moved out and we wouldn't have been so close, but I don't know.  When you are ill, sometimes you need help being taken care of.  It has only been the last year that I have been able to do much of the stuff I can do by myself.  Until March of this year, I needed help getting dressed.  Now I can do it myself.  It was hard, and still is at times.  Socks are such a difficult thing!  but I am thankful I can now dress myself again.  I don't untie my shoes because it is hard to tie them back up.  I buy slip ons when i can.

I am so thankful Mom was my mom.  She was a really special lady and I hope to make her proud of me. I know she was, and I want to continue that.  I don't want to fall into a depression, I don't think I have.  i am sad a lot, but she has only been gone for just over a month.  It is a bit easier most of the time now than it was.  I think about her a lot, though not constantly like I was.  I have asked to stop sorting through the house until after the holidays.  I just don't want to add that to the difficulties of the holidays.  I am hoping to be with Richard for them.  I have checked some prices and I think I can squeeze it out, especially if I start work in January.  I am hopeful I will hear from them this week.  I really think I would be good at that job.

I hope you are having a good day too.

I am so tired!

I am so tired today!  I got up at 5:30, although I was awake at 5 am this morning.  I had to be up by 5:30 so that I could leave for the craft show by 6 am.  It was about 50 minutes away.  Ugh, I am so not a morning person.  I think I freaked the lady out at Tim Horton's by going through the drive through so early.  I took my drink and sandwich and headed to Redford.  It is on the west side of Detroit and I live Northeast of Detroit so I had a long way to go.  I haven't ever been to Redford so I was a bit worried about the directions, but I found it okay.  I only got turned around once which was good.  They helped unload the car and I went and set up.  The show was not well attended.  There were about 50 crafters there and very few people coming through.  It was a fundraiser for 2 elementary schools and believe me, very few people came.  I got lucky, I did sell 2 violins, but I didn't sell any books.  I did do better than Donna, she sold nothing.  The girl next to us did sell a bit, but not enough to pay herself back for the booth.  I think every crafter there was disappointment with the turnout.  I was.  At first I seriously thought of leaving early because there were so few people there.  I mean those that were commented on my violins, but didn't buy.  then about 3:30, 2 people came and bought 2.  I was so happy about that.  That will pay a bill in December.  I am definitely going to try ebay next though and another site too that sells arts and crafts.

Tillie and Maia were apparently here this afternoon.  I was not happy to drive into a dark house because I don't like that.  I left the light outside on purpose on so that I would be able to see when I got home.  I also left a light on in the dining room so the house would be lit up.  They turned everything off when they left and they also locked the bottom lock only which I don't like.  I want the top lock locked, not the bottom lock.  Please lock the deadbolt, it is harder to break into than the handle.  I have asked for this before, but it doesn't always get done.  I feel safer with the deadbolt on, not the handle lock.  It is a safety thing for me.  I am having a hard enough time being alone in the house, so I need the deadbolts locked.  Eventually I will get used to being home alone, but not right now.  Plus, I didn't know they were coming over so I was a bit freaked when I pulled into a dark house without any lights on.  I know they didn't know I left it on on purpose, but I did.  If I had known they were coming, I would have told them.

I am hoping this week will be a better overall week for me.  I have some stuff I have to fax to the state of Michigan Monday without fail!!!!  I can't forget like I have been, it is very, very important it get down.  So tomorrow I will pull all the paperwork that needs to be faxed and do it first thing Monday morning when I get up.  Then I will call the state of Michigan and let them know the stuff has been faxed so that I can finally set up my payment plan for the back sales and use tax from the store.  Such a royal pain in the bottom this has been!!!  Totally a pain!!!!

I am hoping for some new company next week for the week.  I will let you know as this happens.  Right now, I am tired of sorting stuff and need a major break from it.  It gets too upsetting for me to do.  I know people don't understand that, but they need to understand how hard this is for me.  It is very hard going through Mom's stuff and I don't want to do it right now.  I want the house to stay the way it is for a while, then go through the stuff.  I just don't want anything done right now.  I need more time to move forward, I feel like I am being rushed and ignored at times.  Like what I want doesn't always matter, it is what everyone else wants.  Well, I matter to me, and that is what counts.  I want things just left the way they are.  I am not moving anytime soon so the house doesn't have to be emptied yet.  Just leave it alone.

I hope your day has been good.  Mine was okay, not great, but not bad either.  I did sell 2 violins which is 2 more than I sold yesterday so I am happy about that.

Day before the craft show

My friend, Heather B-T's husband, Bill is coming sometime today to help me load the car up.  I am grateful for that.  She is ill so she is sending hubby to help.  Isn't that sweet of her?  I am thankful.  I have the violins in one area in the family room that are to go.  I also want a box of pictures brought up too because I want to scan them tonight and Sunday (when I am not recovering from the craft show).  I am excited about the craft show because I have never done one.  I hope to sell lots of books and lots of violins and violas.  I have about 20 of them.  I am not sure when Bill is coming, but since I am not booked for time anytime today, it doesn't matter.  Whatever fits his schedule works for mine.  Maybe he will bring the little man and the little miss!  Hm, that could be fun!  I just love their children, they are such sweethearts and they are so adorable.  I have the front door open (not the screen one, just the main one) to let him know I am home.  So anytime now he will be arriving.

I have posted 3 albums on Face Book now of Mom and the family.  I can't wait to post more.  It is a lot of fun scanning the pictures in and getting them on disc.  I think a lot of pictures will be scanned and kept instead of keeping the actual picture.  Scanning is definitely the way to go.  Saves on room and you can post them where you want.  I have a few pictures I need to scan already of Mom.  Some are from our vacations (as that is when we take the most pictures) and some from holidays.  I do hope that for Christmas I will be with Richard and his family.

I am still waiting to hear from the marketing company.  I hope to hear from them next week so that I hopefully will get an interview and get a job.  My goal is to have a job by the first of January so I will be okay.

The Detroit Legal News has published Mom's death and sent notice to creditors.  I already have one solicitation letter for real estate.  I didn't realize I would be getting them, but apparently I am.  Well, we aren't selling the house yet.  I am hoping the market picks up in a couple of years and then we will sell.  It isn't very good around here right now.  We shall see what is going to happen.

It has been a pretty decent day today.  I didn't sleep very well last night again.  Not that this is new, but now I am not sleeping because I am afraid not because of pain.  I am scared to be home alone some nights.  I have checked all the windows and doors and they are locked, but still some nights I don't sleep well until after 5 am.  I hope to sleep tonight as I am getting up at 5:30 am tomorrow for the craft show.  Ugh, is all I can say about that time, but hey, it has got to be done, so it will.  I can sleep in late again on Sunday and can take a nap on Sunday after my student, Katie has her lesson if necessary.  So, you see, I have worked out the recovery details.

I do hope you are having a good day.  I pretty much am.  I talked on the phone with my friend, went to the usual, and now am just waiting for Bill to arrive sometime this afternoon/evening.  I have some new magazines to read.  My books aren't that interesting to me right now.  I hope they improve in interest because they are by my favorite authors, I am just not into them right now.  I am trying to get interested in more stuff, but it is hard because I really don't feel very much right now.  I am still numb over losing Mom.  I can sometimes smile more now, but overall I am still numb.

I had written more, but it won't let me post it all.  I will post my thankfulness post later.  how weird.

Thursday 11-18

I had a blood test this morning for my protime.  It took 2 pokes.  Yuck, just not into that.  Then I went to the drive through for the usual.  I just wasn't up to going on in and sitting by myself.  My friend, Rosemary wasn't there so I did drive thru instead.

After that I went to the tummy doctor's.  It has been a month since I was supposed to go.  I had to tell the Physician Assistant I see about mom when she asked about mom.  She was very sad.  So was the nurse.  The nurse had tears in her eyes as I told her about mom.  It has been a month today.  It seems like forever in some ways.  I am getting used to being on my own but it is still really hard.  It has been 7 years for the nurse's mom and 14 years for the nurse's father.  She said even though she knew her parents were together, it was still really hard and it took a long time to move forward.  She said not to think about it moving on, because you never really do, it's moving forward, it isn't getting over either, just moving forward and that helped me a lot.  Moving forward is also what Richard calls it.  I am trying to move forward in my life.

I haven't heard from the direct marketing company yet.  I am hoping I hear from them soon.  I am so anxious to get this job.  I am also looking for other work too, so I am not putting all my eggs in one basket, but I know this particular company is hiring.  I will ask Phoebe about it in a couple weeks if I don't hear from them.  I know it probably takes more than 2 days, I mean, I only applied Tuesday.

I want to thank all my readers for their kind comments about yesterdays post.  I am so pleased to read that I am doing alright with grieving.  I have heard from several that have let me know that it is an individual process and I shouldn't be on anyone's schedule.  I will not worry about it anymore.  I am doing okay.  I did cry at the tummy doctors, but that was to be expected.  I am having a better day today than I have had in the last few days, especially on Sunday.

I have been looking for a new pair of running shoes for almost 6 months now.  Well, I was in Walmart and went to the shoe department, I don't usually do this, but their running shoes caught my eye.  I have ordered and tried at least 4 pairs of shoes so far and none have fit just right.  To my surprise, the shoes I looked at fit just right so I finally have a new pair of shoes.  I am very excited about this as my old ones are really looking old and the arches aren't too good.  I am hopeful for this new pair.  I will be trying them tomorrow at home to see how they feel.  I am hopeful that they will work well for me.

I went through about 24 envelopes of pictures and CDs of pictures last night, to find 5 pictures of me and mom, or just me or just mom.  I take pictures of everything but people!  Now I am sorry I didn't take more pictures of mom, but I do have quite a few too.  Not too mention she will always be in my mind and heart so I won't forget what she looked like.  I am enjoying scanning pictures too.  It is fun.  I will do more on the weekend.  I am going to have my friend, Heather B-T bring up the big box of family pictures.  Inside are many pictures of all of us.  I also am going to start bringing in a box of slides every few months to be transferred to disc.  I am excited about doing this.  Mom and I had been meaning to do it for years and then poor little Momma got sick and forgot about it.  I will do it in her place.

I have had an okay day today.  Outside of the brief tears today, it hasn't been too upsetting.  I knew the doctor would be upsetting because Momma came everywhere with me.  So now all of my doctors know and I don't have to go through that again.  I would say at this time everyone who knew Mom now knows she is gone.  I have gotten lots of sympathy, which at times I need, not all the time, but sometimes, but more importantly, I have gotten support on moving forward in my life.  It will be a hard thing, but I am not alone and that is important for me to remember even though at times I feel so alone, I really am not.  I have friends and family I can call, not to mention face book or email.  I may not be able to get a hold of someone right away, but generally, it isn't too long until I can get a hold of someone.

I hope your day was good and that you are having a good Thanksgiving Season.  I am thankful for all my friends and family.  I am also thankful that I had such a great mom who was also my best friend and companion.  I have wonderful memories of her that I do cherish even if at times they hurt right now.  I know eventually I won't the pain along with them.

family pictures

I scanned some family pictures from 1978 to 1979.  I scanned them myself.  I wasn't sure if I could scan it myself because I have never used her scanner and used a scanner with the PC.  I am not very good at computers at time.

Anyways, here is the eye candy from our family.

So some of the pictures we are in Montreal, some Niagara Falls, and Kentucky Natural Bridge.  Some of them may have posted twice, sorry.  I don't know how to fix out.

I just found out how, so I fixed it.  Thanks Missy.

Wednesday 11-17-2010

It has been almost a month, tomorrow will be one month since Mom died.  I am feeling very sad and angry today.  Sad, because Mom isn't here with me, angry because according to some family members, I am not grieving proper nor am I trying to get over Mom.  I found that out on Sunday.  I was at first shocked, then, upset, then really mad.  My Mom hadn't even been gone a month and I am supposed to be over her?  What the?  I mean, really, where is there reality?  Mine is gone!  I am learning a new life, and now I am supposed to be on their schedule?  Well, shockingly as it is, I am not.  I am doing the best that I can and too bad for them if it isn't good enough.  I didn't appreciate being told I am not working hard enough on getting OVER Mom.  I won't apologize to them for it either.  This is my life and I am working the best that I can.  Too bad it isn't good enough for them.  When I first got home I called Kathy and cried for about an hour, mixing between anger and upset.  I don't know what they expect but from what I have been told by others that have lost their moms, it could be a year until I feel normal again.  That probably doesn't fit within their schedule either.  So yeah, that has been my Sunday.  I also had family members talking about me behind my back and I could see them do it.  It was rather obvious to me.  The reason I know that they were talking behind my back is because they spoke to me right after and then conferenced again.  I did not appreciate that.  I am adult, treat me like one.  Also, Andrew gave Tillie permission to throw away anything of Mom's she wanted.  Well, I didn't.  I am the one who is going to go through her things, no one else.  I will decide what I want and what I don't.  I am the one who lives here, I am the one who took care of her so I will be the one to get rid of what is not needed.  I don't care that I am a pack rat.  I will cleanse as I see fit and when I see fit.  Which isn't right now.  I find it also annoying that outside of my friends and Richard, some members of the family haven't bother to ask me what I want.  I have been told to move back to Canada.  Not asked, told, not suggested, told.  I was also told that I can "prove" I am getting over Mom by getting a Canadian address and OHIP card.  OHIP is Ontario's health insurance.  Well, that would be fraudulent and I am not breaking a law anywhere.  I won't do it unless I decide to move and right now I am planning to stay in the house for a few years until we sell it and hopefully get more out of it then we will if we sell now.  There won't be enough to cover any equity line and commissions so I am planning to wait and see if it increases in value in the next few years.  According to the trust, I can live here for 3 years, well, I just might.  This is the home I have known forever, this is where I want to stay right now.  Maybe in a few months it will be different, but not right now.

I made an oopsie when I went to the doctor this morning.  It was for the arthritis doctor.  It was actually mom's appointment, not mine.  I threw them for a loop but when they called they said me so what was I supposed to think?  Anyways, I don't have to go on December 2 now because I went today.  I had to tell the doctor that Mom died.  She said Mom was probably happier now, well, I don't think so, I am not so don't tell me Mom is.  I miss her horribly and I would like to think she liked being with me.  I am not doing really well today and I have to go through this again tomorrow because Mom always came with me to the doctors and the doctor tomorrow will probably ask about her too.  Although it would be worse for me if they didn't ask because that would mean they forgot about my mom and that would break my already broken heart.  Either way I just can't win today, maybe tomorrow will be better.  I sure hope so because today rather sucks for me.  I either am angry or crying or both at the same time.  I should be better by the time I teach.  I have a new student tonight that I am excited about.  2 new students in one week!

I hope your day is better than mine.  I am going to nap for a bit and see if I can calm down some.  This crying and anger makes me ache more and very tired.  I hope I sleep for a bit because I didn't sleep very well last night at all.  I miss having Mom in the house at night, I really do.  I don't sleep very well sometimes by myself.

tuesday 11-16-2010

I have 2 students today.  1 is brand new to me!  I am very excited about that.  It shall be interesting.  I always enjoy teaching and am thrilled to pieces that I have 2 new students starting this week.

Tillie and Maia went home.  They were here today and yesterday.  I don't have any plans for them to come back as right now I am doing alright and can handle being alone.  I am getting used to the solitude of the house.  I have even enjoyed some TV stuff which is a first for me in several months as I was so worried about the little lady.  I really enjoyed the comments on her pictures and her story.  I miss her a lot, but that is to be expected.  The pain is not always gut wrenching like it was.  Sometimes it still is, but overall, I am slowly, very slowly, healing.  I think I will miss her forever, but I am trying to keep busy so I don't think about her all the time.

Today was the first day I went to the music store without Mom.  She was so proud that I taught music.  She would get so mad when people would ask when was I going to get a real job.  She would answer, she has a real job in a very stern tone.  She got so annoyed by people thinking I didn't have a real job.  Well, teaching is a real job!

I am not, however, looking forward to the holidays as of yet.  I do hope to get into the swing of things when they arrive.  I am going to put up our little tree on the princess table in the living room and that probably is about it.  I don't want to go all out like I had originally planned.  We all know why but I do want something Christmasy out because not celebrating Jesus' birthday is not good.  Why should he be ignored because Momma is with him?  I mean, how cool for her, she gets to celebrate his birthday with him.  I just wished she was here with me.

Not much happening this week except for 2 new students and my current students.  I plan to apply for a job today online.  I hope I get an interview.  It is the place Phoebe works and it sounds fun.  I am not looking for a new career right now, but something part time would help pay the bills and keep my disability so that is what is important.  My limited mobility shouldn't be a problem as it is a sit down at the phones all day job.  I probably won't want to talk on the phone when I get home though!  That is what happened when I worked at a call center before.  At least this will be a permanent type job not seasonal like the other.

Anyways, here is a picture of me and mom when I was at Kathy's wedding.  It was one of the best days of my life.  I think I was more excited than she was at this point.  She was so tired after months of planning.  I was so happy and excited about her wedding.  The other great days were the birth of my niece and nephew and Kathy's children's birth.  Graduation rates up there too.

I was thrilled to be one of the maid of honors.  Her friend, Karen, and I shared the honor.  It was such an awesome evening.  Doesn't Mom look simply gorgeous????  I think so.  I look pretty good too.  I can clean up well.  I still have the dress.  Doesn't fit me anymore, but I still have it.  This was in November of 1996.

I do hope this finds you doing well and having a great day!  I am having a good one, can't say great, but overall, it is pretty good.

monday - a busy day

We had a real estate lady here earlier to tell us how much the house is worth in this market.  I just want to have an idea for when we sell it.  We aren't selling anytime soon that is for sure because I am going to have a job that will keep me in it while I slowly go through it.  I am not in a rush.  I need time to really think about what I have, what I want, and what I need.

Yesterday, I was at Uncle John's.  It was mostly a good day.  I got tired and a bit of a headache at the end of the night.  I am not sure why but I did.  I left first because it was almost 9 pm and I needed to get going to drive home the hour and a half it takes.  I didn't want to be driving with a bad headache which was on its way.  Mean head.

Phoebe is coming over tonight.  I can't wait to see her.  I want to hear all about her new job.  She just started today so I am excited for her.  Also, she is going to give me information to apply for the job.  I know she went it to me before, but I accidentally erased it.  What was I thinking?

It is a bit of a sad day for me.  It has been 4 weeks since Mom died.  5 weeks since she last spoke to me.  I will always treasure the fact that the last thing she said to me and the last thing I said to her was I love you. I mean, how cool is that?  How many people actually get to say that?  Not many.  So many that I know of regret what they say to the person they love right before they die because they don't know they are going to die.  I am glad I have a beautiful memory of her saying I love you to me.  I also made sure for the last few years that I told her everyday how much I loved her.  Because she was losing her memory I really wanted her to remember that I loved her.  She remembered that until the very end as far as I know.  I would ask her, Momma do you know how much I love you?  Did I tell you today how much I love you?  She would sometimes say, yes, you told me, tell me again, other times she would say I don't know if you did.  But I made sure that everyday I told her how much I loved her even when I was mad at her.

Phoebe and I had a great time.  She made spaghetti with sausage!  Yum!  We watched the bucket list.  Surprisingly it was funny and I wasn't sad watching it like I was afraid I would be.

a Bit about Mom

Hi!  Since I posted the pictures of Mom, I am going to give a brief history of the little lady.  She was an amazing woman to me.  I know most of us feel that way about our moms.  Moms are so special, aren't they?

Anyways:

Mom was born in 1934 in Chatham, Ontario,  Canada.  Her full name is Vivian Albertha Paxton.  She was the first of 4 children born to my grandparents.  When she was small, she lived on a farm outside the city limits right next door to her grandparents.  Mom told me once when she was about 5, she decided she would rather live with her grandmother.  They were very close.  Now they are together again.  So Mom took her baby carriage and baby doll across to the fence dividing the property and toss the carriage and the doll over and hopped over the fence.  Of course, her grandmother said she had to go home.  Mom was very upset at that.  She thought that at 5 she should get to live with her grandmother.

At 8, Mom moved to Windsor, Ontario, Canada because her dad got a job at Ford Motor Company.  He worked there until he retired.  I don't know when.  Mom was culture shocked when she moved.  In the country, she went to a one room school house.  In the city, she went to a huge elementary school.   It took some time before she liked it.

Mom joined the air force at 18 years old.  I don't remember how long she said she was in it, but it was for a short while.  She left the air force and joined the army reserves in Windsor and there she served for 31 years.  She was the first woman in all of Ontario to become a major, and the 2nd in all of Canada.  She also served as an aide to the Lieutenant Governor of Ontario.  She loved doing that.  I remember one time we went to the opening of the Ontario Parliament (like their congress) and we (Andrew and I) were told do NOT run down the hall the other children were running down and scream.  Well, needless to say, I couldn't resist.  I mean, really, how would mom know, she was on the other side of the building.  So I started running, I didn't scream because that would have been to rude, people were working in the offices down that hall.  Of course, I ran right into Mom at the end of the hall.  Apparently one of her friends saw me start running and rushed to tell mom, laughing the whole time.  You see, Andrew and I were always on our best behavior when we were at official functions.  Her friends used to tease her about how we never did anything wrong.  Well, the person couldn't wait to tell mom.  I had to stand or sit next to her the rest of the day.  Mom's friends had a field day teasing her about how I messed up.  Of course, Andrew was too shy at the time to do anything so bad, only I did it.  I tried to convince him to do it and the smart little boy refused.  Good thing, we both would have been in trouble that day.

We had a lot of fun with her on the official duties at times, other times it was so boring waiting and waiting for her to be finished.  We always had toys to play with but you know kids, they want what they don't have with them.  Overall, it was kind of cool watching mom on a parade square giving orders.   (Unless she was bellowing my name, then it wasn't cool at all)  These are just some of the memories I have of mom.

pictures of the little mother

I am going to try to post some pictures of Mom.  I have created an album of them on face book of mom.  I was surprised at how easy it was to do!  I mean, even inept me could do it.

So here goes nothing!!!

So anyways, here are a few pictures of the little Mom through out the years.  I have so many to choose from that it was a lot of fun choosing.  The bottom picture is one of the ones that I am going to have enlarged and frame as I simply love the picture of mom.

Hope you liked the pictures!

saturday

I met up with Peggy today for lunch.  Boy, was it fun.  I had a really good time.  I am tired from it, but it was a good time.  I haven't seen her since the funeral.  I got up around 11:30 today and was a bit lazy while I waited for her call when she finished work.  She had to work this morning at her job.  She works in an office for a manufacturing plant.  Sounds like fun.  We were there for about 3 hours.  Yup, we sure were.

When I got home, I called Anne and talked to her a bit, that was fun too.  She and her boyfriend were making beef stew in a crock pot.  I am going to do that on Monday for dinner.  I have the kit and everything.  I love beef stew.  I also have a pork roast kit that I need to make too.  We will have that this week too since I will have company to feed.

I got a message from my friend, Missy, who warned me about playing the mind games about if I did this, would Mom still be alive type thing.  How did she know that IS exactly what my mind has been doing for the last couple of days.  If I got Mom out of the nursing home early would she still be alive, if she had not been in the hospital to recover from the UTI's would she still be alive.  Well, the truth is, is doesn't matter because my mom is in Heaven and all the wishing in the world is NOT going to bring her back to me.  Bottom line, she is in Heaven and she is healthy and happy and watching over me.  I miss her every minute of the day right now, but right now, I am alright and no trace of tears.  I had a good day and I am going to watch some TV tonight, Numbers, and try to enjoy myself.  I can watch whatever I want now so I am going to watch this show.  I have the entire season 6 to watch.  Anne loves this show too.  I had to stop watching it because it was on so late on Fridays, but also, it started scaring Mom and no show is worth Mom being scared.  She was scared enough, I didn't need TV to scare her too.  I am also going to scan some pictures of her tonight to or try to put the pictures we have on disc so that I can try to post them both on face book and on my blog so everyone can see what my little (and I mean little) Mom looked like.  I think she was simply gorgeous.  Of course, I am a bit biased, so bear with me on that.  She was the best mom ever.  I know, many of you say the same thing about your mom, but really, mine was the best!  He he he!  There was a time when we fought a lot as many moms and daughters do, but as adults we were more than just mother and daughter, we were best friends too.  We liked the same things, did the same activities, and simply enjoyed each others company.  It was a great friendship we had, I just wish my brothers had the same.  Yes, they simply adored Mom too, but they weren't as close friends as mom and I were.  Mom and I even went on vacations together.  I went on some with my friends, but I would come home and cry because something wouldn't be right or we got in a fight or something like that.  After the 3rd time I came home and cried (I was in my 20s), mom suggested I go with her.  Well, I did and we had a blast!  We had so much fun.  We giggled together, we talked and talked and talked.  We liked the same type things.  We were a lot alike in many ways.  I don't know if that is making it harder for me because we were such good pals, or if it would be just as hard anyways.  It doesn't matter, it is very hard.  I have new respect for people who have lost loved ones.  It is sheer hell, sheer hell.  Today, I am doing better though!  So I am taking it as I can.  Well, off to figure out some pictures!!!!!  Have a spectacular night!

nighttime

It seems to be bad in the nighttime before I go to bed.  I tried reading before I went to bed tonight and I started crying again.  I miss her most I think at night.  I have rarely, before she died, slept in the house on my own so I think that might be part of it.  One month ago she was alive, dying, but alive.  I don't understand why they couldn't fix this.  Wouldn't a feeding tube have worked?  The doctor said no, but still, shouldn't we have tried?  I don't know.  I just miss her most in the morning and the evening.  I have way too much time on my hands.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

friday - a bit better of a day

I am feeling a bit better today after crying pretty much all last evening and some this morning.  I talked to Richard, my older brother, at 11pm last night.  hey, I was desperate to talk to someone and he called me back!  I had left a message that I wasn't doing too well and needed to talk to him.  He reassured me I was doing just fine and it was normal to feel what I was feeling, just like everyone else said.  It calmed me down enough to have a decent night sleep for a chance.  I was a bit teary eyed this morning but I called Kathy and we talked and now I feel much better.  I think it was because we started going through mom's things in the dining room cabinet.  We aren't going to go through anymore of mom's things until I am ready which is not right now.  I need help with the paperwork and that is all right now.  I can't handle cleaning out mom's stuff, that is the bottom line, nor do I want anyone else to take care of it.  I will do it later, not right now.  It feels like I am invading her privacy going through her stuff.  I know it needs to be done, but not yet.  I need more time to get used to this being alone business.

Julie just called.  Lily will be coming over here after she gets her teeth extracted so that Julie can take her husband, Ross, to the emergency room.  He fell and hurt his wrist.  Hey, I get Lily!  So I am happy on that.  I know she won't be feeling too great after getting teeth extracted, I don't care if she sleeps or whatever, I will get to feast my eyes on her and that is good.  Lily is one of the adopted grandchildren of Mom.  She and her sisters adopted Mom many years ago since they don't have their own grandparents in their life.  Lily is very upset over mom dying too.  It is very hard for her and her sister, just like it is me.

I hope by the weekend to have some pictures ready to post of mom.  There are a couple of when she was young that I simply love and then of course, the professional pictures I got taken this past march near her birthday.  I also plan to work on the thank you notes.  I haven't even started them yet.  I would have yesterday, but we all know how that day went.  I have to be clear headed to do the notes.  There are so many people to thank.  So many of my friends came to support me which I completely appreciate.  I know I am a very lucky girl, I have family and friends who love me and that is so important.  I love them right back.  It helped a lot to talk to Kathy and Richard today and yesterday.  Sometimes just hearing a voice on the other end is very helpful to me.  I am glad that I am doing what is considered normal at this stage of the game.  I was so afraid that I wasn't adjusting well and that I was not normal with this grieving that I am doing.  I can think of mom today and smile.  I am not going to go through pictures today though, I am still feeling a bit fragile, but I want to post some this weekend so everyone can see how awesome my mom was, not just hear me say it.  Like Kathy said today, it sucks, no way around it, it just sucks.  I dread the day she has to go through this, however, she will have me, because I will have gone through it, maybe I can make her pain a bit less.  Fortunately, her parents are both very healthy.  They came to the funeral to see mom, they didn't come to the funeral because they were watching Kathy's little girls.  I was so glad we had the funeral on a day Kathy could be there, because it helped tremendously to have my best friend there with me holding my hand.

I hope you are having a good day.  Mine is better, not great, but better.  Lily will be here soon, so that should be awesome to chat with the young lady.

thursday - part 2

I am having a hard time adjusting today.  I came home from the eye doctor and was fine for a bit and then the tears started rolling.  Took a nap, was better, then a creditor for mom called and the tears started rolling again.  I can't seem to stop them so they just keep rolling on down my face.  I thought I was adjusting well, even have a possible lead for a job, but the tears are just rolling.  I even emailed my younger brother, Andrew, to see what he does when he is overwhelmed.  Is it because we started going through Mom's stuff?  Or because I am alone.  I was alone last weekend and was fine, sick with a cold, but fine.  What is up?  This grieving process has me thrown for a loop.  How on earth can people manage?  I don't seem to be doing it very well.  My head says one thing but my heart says something different.  I know Mom is not in pain anymore and she is healthy and well.  I know part of her will always be with me.  I know that, but it isn't helping me right now.  Is it because I am scared of what is going to happen?  I don't know, I have never been through anything like this before.  When my dad left, I had mom, when I got sick, I had mom, I mean, I always had Mom and now I don't.  Is this normal or I am just not handling this well?  I knew it would be hard as she was always with me, especially in the last five years, but I didn't know it would be this hard.  I had no idea.  Maybe I could have prepared for this.  I don't know.  Maybe.  Is there a good book I should read to help me, besides the bible, which sometimes helps, sometimes doesn't.  I know she is with family and friends in Heaven, but I want her here.  Am I just super selfish or what?  I don't understand  why my heart is hurting so bad.  I wish I was with her.  I just want to be with my mom, that is all, just with her because even in her bad days, it was better with her than without.  How long does this take before i don't cry a lot?  How on earth am I supposed to go on with living with this much pain?  It hurts more than fibro and arthritis and everything else I have.  Crying also makes my head hurt worse, so that makes even more pain.  I just don't get this.  I want her back now, right now so I won't hurt so bad.  I know people have gone through this before me, lots of people, how did they survive?

I am going to try to go to bed now.  I hope I sleep, this pain isn't so bad when I am sleeping.  Maybe I will be better tomorrow.  I hope so.  I need to get past this pain somehow.  It is overwhelming me so much that I feel like I am walking through mud and not going anywhere.  I think I need help for this.  Maybe counseling will help or is this normal 1 month after a parent or someone you love dies and leaves you all alone?  Am I losing my mind too?

thursday

I am getting discouraged.  I looked at the low income apartments that we have in the area and almost all them have massively long waiting lists.  yeah, that is so encouraging.  The ones that don't, well you have to be a senior for those and I am not.  62 or older you can get into one right away in some places.  The ones near my house are at least a year if not longer wait.  Where do I live in the meantime?  Out of a box somewhere?  I certainly do hope I get a job because that seems to be the only thing I can do to have a place to live.  However, there is the looming question on how well am I to work?  Well, I have major concentrating problems at time due to Fibro fog, plus there is the minor detail that I have a headache everyday not to mention the other problems with Fibromyalgia and Arthritis, etc.  Yeah, today is not my day.  I think I am going to take a nap shortly as I am exhausted from everything that has been going on lately.

We finished organizing Mom's paperwork.  Mine will start next week.  Of course I have paperwork that was due yesterday that I haven't done yet.  See what I mean about the fog?  I know sometimes that it has to be done, and then others I forget it.  I think I just want to hide from the world for the rest of today.  I am just really down this afternoon, didn't seem so this morning, but right now I am.  I don't have any dreams today.  They are all down the tube.  I hope later on is better and tomorrow is better too because this just stinks.

I miss Mom even more today, at least with her I knew where I would live and how we would live.  This limbo business is awful.  How do people do it?  I just don't know.  Today is not my day, maybe tomorrow will be better.

I don't qualify

I don't qualify for the job at oracle.  I do as far as the teaching part is, but the technical stuff, I don't know.  Also, you have to be able to stand for extended periods of time and we all know I can't.  So much for that plan.  On to plan B.  Still revamp resume, but let's see what else is out there.  I hope for 7 more students weekly, that is the goal.  7 more students.  Please pray for 7 more in the next month or two so I can stay in the house and not have to move.

Midweek

I can't believe it is Wednesday, already!  Oh my, this week has flown.  I pulled out my resume and sort of fixed it up.  I think it needs more, but my brain is slightly overloaded at this point, so I will go back to it again later tonight or tomorrow.  One or the other, who knows when.  Sometime before Friday as I want to apply for the job I would like by Friday.  I do hope I get it.  I know it will take time, but I really feel I could do this job and be good at it.  My only concern is my limited mobility but even that isn't a big concern.  I want to get my life going so I feel like I am moving forward instead of treading water.  Maybe I will miss Mom less and it will be less overwhelming if I am moving forward.  Right now, I am not doing a whole lot so it seems like every time I turn around I am bombarded with the realization that she is gone.  I need this to stop and move onward like she would want me too.

I really do think this job would be great for me.  I have years of experience in teaching and that is what the job is for, teaching, only in a corporate setting.  The travel isn't bad because there isn't any reason I can't travel, I mean, no one to come home to at this point.  I will keep the house which is one of my goals.  I don't want to move unless I have no choice, and with a job, I would have a choice because I would make enough money to keep the house!  I may even make enough in 3 years to buy the boys out of the house.  Works for me.  I don't know, that is jumping ahead of myself and I don't want to have unrealistic type goals.  I am feeling better, health wise, so I think getting a job would be good because I don't have the added stress of a family to take care of, I would be able to focus on taking care of me.  So you can see why I think a job at this point would work.  It isn't like it was when I had Mom, I needed to focus all my energies on her because she was so ill.  Now, I only have me.  I wish I had Mom, but I don't anymore.  She told me a long time ago she wanted me to be able to move forward after she had passed away.  I, of course, was horrified at that type of talk and basically changed the subject, but I know she doesn't want me pining away like I am.  It isn't good for pain, and it isn't good for the heart.  Yes, I miss her, and I miss her a lot, but I need to do something to move forward to.  I am sending my resume to Richard so he can look at it and give me some advice.  He would definitely know what the business world wants because he is in the heart of it.  Yes, part of me still wants to live with Richard, mainly out of fear and wanting to be with him because I do see him so little.  I miss him, I miss his family.  He has great kids and a wonderful wife that I enjoy being around.

I must digress!  I now have 2, yes 2 new students starting next week.  A young man name Dawson who is 12 and a young lady named Alyssa who is also 12 years old.  I am so excited about this.  This leaving everything to God is certainly working out well right now.  I am still scared to death at times, but hey, who isn't?  Most people I know get scared every so often, so I know that I am normal.  yeah, I now only need 7 new students in the next 3 months to keep me here in the house or a new job!  One or the other!!!!!

It has been a busyish day around here.  Tillie and Maia finished up with Mom's paperwork and will be starting on mine.  They are grocery shopping right now.  They have been gone for a very long time and boy am I getting hungry!!!!!  I tried to go to the Secretary of State today to cancel Mom's ID but I didn't bring in the Death Certificate and also I forgot my title to the car to take care of my car's little business so I will have to go back next week.  Not too much of a big deal.  Tomorrow we are meeting with the lawyer again and I hope he has everything I need finished because I don't want to have to make yet another trip.  I also am going to be getting my eyes checked.  Yuck, that happens at 1 pm at Walmart.  They do a good job there.  I was very happy with the doctor they have and with what I need to do so I don't become blind, (I have macular

I hope your day is going well.  Mine mostly has been okay.  I took care of some business, some I have to go and do later because of lack of the right papers.  I will be turning my attention on my room shortly.  Ugh, what a disaster that is right now.  Stuff everywhere!  Well, 1 drawer at a time, right?  That's my motto.  I thing at a time, can't do too many at a time because it will be too overwhelming.